04. #BTS1stWin
Hold Me Tight
Chapter Four: Memoirs
I was awoken by a loud banging of door in the middle of the night, the loud voices told me it was my parents- arguing again. I got out of bed and walked out my room to find where they are.
“I’m tired of this, Byunghun.” Said my mom, the door of their bedroom was slightly open so I could see them, sitting on both edges of the bed. “We’ve been like this all this time.”
“You’re at fault, Mirae.” Dad said, “You’re always accusing me of having another woman when I really don’t. You’re not the only one who find this tiring.”
“You can’t blame me.”
“Goodness, Mirae!” dad blurted, he stood up and raked his hair with his hands. “Are we going to bring up our marriage again? I married you because I love you, it is not because of the freaking marriage contract!”
My mom cried, she did not speak, but it is obvious that it was her trust that has been their issue all along. She cannot trust my dad, she cannot believe that my dad married her because he loves her. Their marriage was pursued all because of the contract. If it wasn’t for their grandparents’ agreement, and the birth of me, it was never going to happen. It was my mom who loved my dad at first and she only pushed herself on him by using the contract. It was not nice to hear but I knew my dad loves my mom now, he may not before but now was different.
“It has been twenty three years,” dad said as he walked to my mom and kneeled in front of her. “Why do you still think that I have never loved you? I am always here beside you, I have been with you all this time. What else do you need for you to know that I love you?”
My mom looked at him, “You were always here but your heart never was. You never made me feel loved, you never made me feel that I was yours. Your family only needed me because of Hye Soo. If it wasn’t for her, they would’ve pushed through with the divorce.”
“No, Mirae. No.” dad spoke, trying to hold her hands, but she slipped her hand away.
“Divorce was what you want, right? It was what you want!” mom shouted.
“Damn it, Mirae!” dad retorted, “I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t believe you are still acting immature over this, we already have a seventeen year-old daughter for you to act like that!” he sighed. “If a divorce is what you want, a divorce you will get.” Dad walked out of the room furiously. I leaned on the wall next the door, he didn’t notice me as he furiously barged out of the room. A few minutes after, I heard the engine roared to life and slowly faded. Dad left, mom was still crying. I don’t know what to do. But the sight of my mother crying made me want to pull her into a tight hug. I don’t want her to feel alone, at least right at this moment.
“Mom?” I spoke as I went in the room. She spoke nothing and continued to cry. I sat beside her and hugged her, tight and warm as I can.
“The preliminary exam results were in the lobby!” one of our classmates announced as everyone started to run out of the room and head to the lobby. I was one of the excited students who immediately went out of the rooms to look at the results. The exams ended three days ago and I hoped I did pretty well. I was quite nervous with the results, everyone was. I studied all the exam week and almost mastered all the notes and formulas in order to get high grades. At this moment, I can’t just pass the exams, I need to get high enough for Seoul University.
“Excuse me, excuse me.” I spoke as I tried my best to get in front of the bulletin board. I looked carefully for my name in the list of the seniors and I was totally depressed to see that my name was not on the top list. That means I did not do well this term. Not that I was a very intelligent student but I knew I understood the lessons well so I knew what to answer in the exam. I didn’t expect I expected too much from myself.
“Oh, there you are!” a familiar voice called. I turned to see Eun Mi and In Hye making a way from the crowd as they found me and pulled me away.
“Where are you taking me?” I asked, alarmed. Everyone else was starting to look at us and that was a bit embarrassing.
“Guess who’s in the competition.” In Hye said in a teasing manner as I faced the bulletin board with a piece of paper. It read:
Bangtan High School
Preliminary Examinations
Top Ten Outstanding Students
Senior Highschool
It was Jungkook’s name that I first noticed, he was not bad afterall. “Jungkook is one of them.” I looked at them.
“What?” In Hye asked, “Look at the chart carefully!” I gave them a confused look as I looked at the chart again.
“Lim Tae Hyong, Cha Hye-” my eyes widened in shock. “What the hell?”
“Yes, Hye Soo! You’re running for salutatorian! Isn’t that great?” Eun Mi spoke as she pulled me and In Hye for a group hug. I was so surprised with the results. I thought I was down below but then I never thought I would make it to the top! I was so glad I would like to keep that piece of paper and keep it.
“I can’t believe you saw Jungkook’s name first before yours.” In Hye said as we decided to head back to our classroom.
“Perhaps, she’s starting to feel a little crush on the guy?” Eun Mi teased.
I rolled my eyes as I nudged their waists, “Of course not.”
It has been two weeks since I started to avoid Jungkook again. I can’t believe it, our relationship has been like this since the beginning. We’re never going to be friends for real. It was my decision to avoid him, though. I had to keep my word for not minding him anymore. But I was still worried about him. Every single day his condition seems to get worse and that’s not good. He seems to look like he doesn’t get any sleep and that life has been slowly being taken away from him. He looks lifeless, dull, and depressed. Letting your anger out by shouting all your disappointment must make you feel more pleasant, but why does things seem to be opposite for him?
“Earth to Hye Soo!” snapped both Eun Mi and In Hye as they slammed their food trays on the table during lunch. “Do you have any problem?” Eun Mi asked.
I shook my head and stood up, “I’m actually done eating. Are you?”
“Almost, but you seem to be in a hurry. Where are you going?” In Hye asked.
“I have to make a phone call, catch you later!” I told them as I ran out the cafeteria. I don’t really think this would be a good idea but my mind has been telling me to go to the roof top. Jungkook has been all my mind and I wonder what he’s doing. Of course, the roof top will be the only place he will be in because I could remember that he told me he was always at the roof top at lunch.
Walking upstairs, I remembered the last time we talked. It was when he let out all the kept anger he had, all the disappointment he had with Hae Ra. It was when all I can do was hug him, it was never against my will, I thought it was nice. To be honest, it was my first time to hug someone other than my mom, specifically a man, to comfort. I don’t know, I had the urge to do that because he was crying, and when someone cries, someone has to make them feel secured. Someone has to make them feel that they are not alone in this world and that everything will be alright. If there is anything that I know in this world, it is that no matter how painful things can get, when you know you’re not alone, you know things will get better soon.
I was afraid to see Jungkook. We might be seatmates but in that two weeks I never dared to look at him. I recalled our staring game during the first day of school and I suddenly felt my cheeks burning. Why do I feel so embarrassed all of a sudden? Why is my heart suddenly beating so fast? I shook all my thoughts off, I am here to look for Jungkook- if he’s doing well or what. Nothing more, nothing less.
“I can’t.” I suddenly leaned on the wall a few steps next to the door that will lead me to the roof top. Why do I feel like seeing him will give me funny feelings on my stomach? “This is disgusting, ugh.”
“What is?”
I almost fell down the stairs as I heard the voice. It was Jungkook and he held on my waist to prevent me from falling down. Our faces were few inches from each other as I reflexively held onto his firm arms. We were staring at each other’s eyes, my cheeks felt like burning few seconds after. Damn, I knew it. “Are you alright?” he asked.
“I-I…” I wasn’t able to utter a word as I immediately moved away from him and ran downstairs, as fast as I could. That was embarrassing. “You are so disgusting, idiot!” I arrived at the empty hallway and sat on one of the pavements. I held onto my chest as I gasped for dear air and sighed, why did I feel so uneasy? That is definitely not me. My phone rang, bringing me back to reality. I took it out my pocket and answered, “Hello?”
“Hello! This is Park Joo Hyun from Sky Café.” Said the voice on the other line, “Can I confirm if this is Miss Cha Hye Soo?”
“Yes, this is her.” I answered.
“Great!” she beamed, “I called to tell you that your application for being a part timer in Sky Café is approved. You can start you work today, starting 4:30pm until 10:30pm. Will that be okay?”
“Of course!” I said in delight. I decided to apply for a job since the house is just near my school, and that the café is in between the places. My shift is also flexible, whenever I have exams I can take the weekdays off and pay the working hours the whole day for weekends. Plus, they will pay me right. I have always wanted to work in a café and now’s the right time.
I ended the conversation with Ms. Park and smiled as I leaned on the post next to the pavement. I was so happy and still tired at th
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