I was a big, fat idiot. It really was sad how big and fat my idiocy truely was, honestly.

I had somehow managed to completely forget about my theory that Jong In was in love with me.

How could I forget something like that, you might be asking yourself. Well, it's really quite simple; I'm a big, fat idiot.

Before I had even processesed his words, he had pulled back, whirled around, and was walking the other direction. I didn't even catch a glimpse of his face, he was walking so fast. Part of me wondered for a moment if he did it because he thought I wouldn't say it back, and so he was saving me the trouble of coming up with a reply. The thing was, if that was true, he probably would have just said so, instead of leaving like he was fleeing a crime scene.

I thought about why he might run away after saying something like that as I walked to the elevator, and the only logical explanation I came to wasn't much different than my first thought. He may have said it without thinking it entirely through, and was scared I wouldn't say it back, so he ran away. I had no idea what he could have been thinking about on our walk here, what had been going through his mind, so I had no idea what might have caused him to act like that.

Except, maybe I did have an idea. I had spent quite a bit of the walk thinking about Hye Rim and Suho and their situation and how Hye Rim's thoughts applied to couples in general. Maybe Jong In's thoughts had started at a similar spot, but had taken a different path. Or maybe it was the same path, but he had somehow reached a different destination.

I hated not knowing what was going on inside his head. I couldn't ask him, though, because I was too scared he would ask what was going on in mine.

Still, the fact remained that Jong In had just admitted to loving me. The only problem was I still wasn't sure what I thought of that because I wasn't sure of my own feelings towards him. It had taken me so long to realize that I liked him romantically, and I was still getting used to just that level. The thing was, though, that it was my brain trying to adjust, trying to adapt and familiarize, while my heart was moving on ahead alone.

Did I feel the same? 

Logically, I didn't feel like I should. We had only been dating for about a month, which was pretty much the entire time that I had known him. I didn't think that was long enough to fall in love with someone. Not that I doubted Jong In's feelings since he had apparently had a crush on me for at least a little while before I had even known he existed. He had known about me longer, his feelings had more time to take root and grow.

I was beginning to get the idea that logic held little power over emotions these days, though. 

Time was a factor, not a guarantor. Feelings didn't bother playing by any rules, they just did what they wanted. We just had to manage them properly. The problem for me, though, was that I couldn't even figure out what my feelings were so I had no idea what to do with them.

Did I love Jong In?

I liked him very much. I knew that for a fact. But was there anymore? I couldn't even understand my reaction when he had said the words out loud. My stomach had dropped, my chest tightened, and my eyes watered. My reaction had been so strong that before I even registered what exactly it was I began panicking. Maybe that was my reaction, panic. Maybe hearing him say that would make me anxious.

It wasn't exactly suprising, really.

Did I want him to love me? Did I want to love him? Or did I want the thing that I had been contemplating since Saturday night, the easy way out of all of this. The thing that would hurt so much now, but so much worse later. Did I want it all, or did I want to let it all go?

I hadn't reached a conclusion that night, and ended up not sleeping well. The next day at school neither of us mentioned his declaration to eachother. In fact, we didn't talk much at all, at least not to eachother. Suho and Hye Rim both stopped by the table at the same time to say "hello", and they didn't fight, but they weren't very friendly. They treated eachother with an awkward and cold civility, like they couldn't even remember how to be nice to eachother anymore. Later, when he walked me home, I kept my hands on my bag straps again, but when we reached my place he gave me a quick kiss good bye and that was it. 

I wasn't sure what he was thinking. I could tell something was off with him. Was he upset that I hadn't said it back? Or was he still embarrassed about the fact that he said it? Or was it something else?

I hated not knowing.

The rest of the week went by in mostly the same way. Nothing much really happened, but that was actually one of the things that had me worried. Jong In didn't ask me about hanging out this weekend, he didn't even ask me what my plans were. On Friday he just walked me home like it was any other day of the week, kissed me good bye, and that was it.

I didn't know what to think, and I didn't know what to do.

By Saturday afternoon I couldn't hardly stand being at home anymore and had to get out, get some fresh air, and try hard not to think because that's mostly all I'd been doing that past week and it was starting to give me a head ache. I made my way to a tea shop with a book I hadn't started yet, hoping that would help distract me. When I got there and started reading, though, I found my mind continuously wondering. 

Even though my mind kept pulling me back to mull over things with Jong In since I had yet to come up with an answer for anything, my mind only worked in circles around the issues. I never got anything figured out. It was extremely frustrating.

"Hey," I heard someone say, startling me out of my thoughts.

I was seated at one of the tables by a window and had been staring out of it while holding the book open and I was supposed to be reading. I turned to look at the person who had greeted me, and was suprised to see Kyungsoo standing by the chair next to me, smiling down at me. 

"Hey," I answered back, still trying to pull my mind out of myself and pushing it back into reality.

"Waiting for someone?" he asked, glancing at the table and noticing there was only one drink.

"No, I'm here alone," I responded, feeling guilty. 

It took me a second to realize I was feeling guilty because I wasn't here with Jong In. This sounds strange at first, but the guilt didn't come from doing something without him necessarily, like I felt I wasn't allowed to have a life without him. the guilt came from the fact that I had wanted to spend time with him, but couldn't pluck up the nerve to ask him. There were a lot of reasons contributing to this; the fact that I had never had to ask him to hang out being one of them, the awkwardness of the past week between us being another.

"Mind if I join you?" Kyungsoo asked, already reaching out to the chair.

"Sure," I said, shrugging.

"What are you reading?"

"Oh, uh." I said, fumbling to turn the book over so I could see the title, ashamed that I didn't even remember what it was. I had only read about five pages of it after sitting here for over thirty minutes, and I honestly don't even remember what they were about.

"Not really in the mood to read?" he asked after I showed him the title.

"Not really." I closed the book and stared down at it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I looked up at him and saw he was giving me a sympathetic smile, and for a wild second I wondered if he knew about all of the things I'd been thinking about for the past week. I berated myself for having such a stupid thought, that he couldn't possibly know exactly what I was thinking, but before I could think much beyond that, he was already speaking again. "I noticed something's been off with you and Kai lately, so I was just wondering if there was anything going on that you needed to talk to someone about."

I thought about the way Jong In and I had been acting and frowned. Had it really been apparent to other people that there was something off with us? Maybe. I guess to someone who knew us both well, and Kyungsoo definitely falls into that category. But did I want to open up to him about it? It felt a little strange since I barely even understood everything that was going on in my head, forget Jong In's. Plus, this was all very personal. I hadn't even mentioned any of it to Ga In or Jin Ri. The idea of opening up about it to Kyungsoo, whom I have never done something like that with before, made me uncomfortable. I wasn't sure if I could, even if I wanted to.

"You don't have to, if you don't want to." Kyungsoo took a drink before setting it down on the table. "I just wanted you to know you could."

"It's just," I said, unsure of where I was going with it. "Have you ever had a girlfriend?"

He shook his head. I sighed and rested my head against my knuckles.

"Do you want one?" I asked.

"Not particularly?" 

"Why? Do you not want to bother?" I perked up at that. "Do you think it's not worth it?"

"Not worth it?" he asked, looking at me confused.

"Well," I hedged, realizing that I may have accidentally lead the conversation straight to the heart of the problem without meaning to. "It's a lot of work to get a relationship started, and then there's always the possibility that something could go wrong."

"So?"

"So what if you go through everything and get really close and then something happens and it all ends?"

He studied me for a moment, his brows creased.

"Has something happened?"

"What? No," I hurried to say. "Nothing's happened."

"So you're just worried something will?"

"That was just hypothetical, not about me," I found myself saying, suprised by how easily the lie slipped out to hide my embarrassment.

"Soo Young," Kyungsoo said, resting this arms on the table and leaning forward on them. "Tell me the truth."

I looked at him for a moment, debating saying that I was, but I could tell he knew I wasn't. I could tell he was genuinely concerned for me, and I didn't want to trample on that.

Maybe talking about it would actually help.

"I'm worried something might happen," I said, and was immediately struck by how flimsy the words were in comparison to how much anxiety they had caused me over the past week. I knew immediately after saying the words that the fear was more like being constantly terrified of being struck by lighting even if you don't live in an area that gets a lot of thunder storms. I was embarrassed and ashamed and wanted to immediately take the words back and not let Kyungsoo know that I could be so affected by something like that.

"Have you been pulling back from Kai because of that?" he asked, his expression unreadable.

I could only stare at a space on the table in front of me as I nodded my head.

"Have you really been trying to end things now just because you're scared of them ending later?" A sound of irritation was coming through his usual calm tone.

I flinched when he was said the words. I didn't respond at first, but he reamined silent, clearly waiting for me to say something.

"I was never planning on doing that," here I paused, "but I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind."

"You do realize how rediculous that sounds, right?" he asked, the annoyance coming out stronger. "You're scared of something happening later, so you're just going to make it happen now?"

I chanced a glance up at him, and saw his expression reflected his voice.

"I realize it now," I said in a small voice.

He sighed again, crossed his arms and continued to lean on them. His expression softened as he looked at me.

"Good. Now are you going to stop acting like you have been and go back to normal?"

I nodded my head, but then rememered the other thing that I had been thinking about. I figured I should go ahead and mention it since we were already talking and it had helped, and I was already so embarrassed that I didn't figure this would make the matters much worse. 

"Kyungsoo, have you ever been in love?" I asked.

Just because he hasn't dated anyone doesn't mean he's never been in love, right?

When I saw the look in his eyes I knew I was right.

"Why do you want to know?" he asked.

"I just want to know how you know," I explained. "How you know when you feel it."

He seemed to hesitate, but then began speaking despite whatever was holding him back at first.

"Love isn't a feeling, it's a collection of them," he started, his brow creased again, but this time in thought rather than annoyance. "Love is a bunch of different things all at once; always wanting to be with the other person, wanting their happiness even if it hurts you because just seeing them happy makes you happy, thinking about them a lot. A lot of things..." he trailed off. "I have loved someone, but I'm not sure I can really give you a good explanation. I'm not all that good with words."

We sat in silence for a moment as I processed what he had said, but he started talking again.

"Love for me," he began, "is wanting to be with that person so badly that I would do anything to ensure it. Even if that meant never telling them my feelings just so I could be their friend. That way I'd have an excuse to help them when they were down, and be happy with them when they were up. Love for me is sacrificing myself so they don't have to sacrifice anything."

He turned to look at me as he said the last words, the look in his eyes so intense I felt he must still be in love with that person.

"Can I ask... ?" I began, dying of curiosity, but already prepared for him to deny me.

"Are you sure you want to know?" he asked, the intensity still there.

"If you don't mind sharing."

He seemed to size me up for a second, trying to gauge my reaction before he even said the words, I'd say.

"I used to be in love with Kai."

I was in shock. My mind went blank. I think I forgot to breathe.

My brain had never considered that Kyungsoo could be gay, forget that he could have feelings for any of the guys, including Jong In. My brain was having issues processing this new information, as it was so far outside of anything that had been flittering around inside my brain over the past couple of weeks.

Kyungsoo was gay.

Kyungsoo liked Jong In.

Kyungsoo loved Jong In.

Or, at least, used to to be in love with Jong In.

Kyungsoo was gay. Should I have noticed? Had he done anything to indicate that he was gay? He didn't have a girlfriend, and I didn't think anyone had ever mentioned that he'd had a girlfriend before. Not that his lack of a girlfriend dictated his uality, clearly. I never had a boyfriend until recently. Although, people did think that meant I was gay, but I am straight.

How had I not noticed?

"I get that that makes you uncomfortable... in a lot of ways," Kyungsoo said. "It would make a lot of people uncomfortable if they knew."

"No!" I said once I realized what he was thinking. "No. It's not... it's not that. I'm just suprised. And mad at myself."

"You're made at yourself?" he asked, completely shocked.

"Well, yeah. I never noticed, and it's kind of an important thing for me to miss."

"It's not exactly something I make obvious."

"Who all knows?"

"So far, just you."

I was silent again, suprised in a different way now.

"So Jong In-"

"Doesn't know," Kyungsoo cut in firmly. "And I'd rather he didn't. I'm over him now, but I'd still feel pretty pathetic if he found out, especially if I'm still in the closet."

He took another drink as I started accepting everything that he had just said to me, and calmed down from the shock.

"I care about you both," Kyungsoo set down his drink, "although I might be a bit more biased towards Kai." Here he gave a wry smile. "But I want you both to be happy."

I stared down at my drink, thinking. We sat in silence for a moment before I came to a resolution.

"Thank you, Kyungsoo, for trusting me. I won't tell anyone."

"So what will you do?"

"First, I need to call Jong In."