The problem is now longer 'where to begin', but 'how to begin'.

I woke up the next day feeling less than determined, but with my conscious bent on trying to reach out to people today, to try to make friends. Those really were my intentions. By the time I got to school, though, my intentions faded to fear. I don't know why, but I was suddenly nervous every time I got too near someone. It was worse if I had thought of talking to them, but decided not to. As in I was still nervous even after I had decided not to speak to them. Like I was nervous that they would find out just from being too close to me that I had thought about speaking to them. So I spent most of the day nervous and scared, trying to avoid people who I never interacted with anyway.

Maybe I did have a problem...

Why is this so hard? It never seems that hard in movies or T.V. or in books. Thinking about it now, most of the main characters had people gravitating towards them, they didn't really have to go out and fined new friends on their own. Nobody has ever been drawn enough to me to try and make friends before, so I highly doubt they're going to do anything now that I suddenly need to make friends. Thank you T.V. for teaching nothing useful about making friends.

What had Jin Ri told me? Compliment them? Compliment people how? Compliment on what? I don't know these people, so I don't know how to compliment them. That doesn't help me at all.

On the bright side, all this worrying about talking to other people has made me less worried about the boy I sit next to. I had actually completely forgotten about him until I saw him in class, but he didn't seem bothered by me when I sat down next to him. He didn't react at all when I took my seat, which really isn't surprising since we had never acknowledged each other before yesterday.

Should I talk to him?

No, I thought as my face flushed a bit. Besides, he doesn't seem to like me much, so I don't think I should try with him. Then again, if I talked to him I could figure out what it was I did. Maybe I could even fix it. If it was something I had done then I could apologize, and if not then I could clear up the misunderstanding. Even if we didn't become friends, it would be nice to have him not dislike me. People like to go on about how you shouldn't care what people think and if people don't like you then that's their problem, but it's still a pretty bad feeling knowing that someone feels that way about you. It's such a waste too, if it can be avoided.

But how do I talk to him?

The more I thought about it, of course, the more nervous I got. The whole school day passed with me not talking to him, or anyone. I could probably get away with not having done anything yet, so I long as I told my parents that I was planning to, but then again they may also be upset that I didn't talk to a single person. I'll have to say something to him, just to appease my parents.

Is there anyone else who has this problem? Do I feel like I'm the only one because I don't talk to other people? I guess I'll get the opportunity to find out.

But what do I say to him?

I guess I could compliment him. Get the conversation started off nicely. Maybe that will help smooth over any bad feelings? I can't imagine I've done something so bad that a good, sincere compliment couldn't help with.

Decision made, I tried desperately not to think too hard about it. I tried hard to focus on the lecture that day to keep my mind from wondering, taking notes diligently. By the time the bell rang, I was definitely nervous, but had managed to build enough determination to say:

"Hey."

I had already gotten everything shoved into my bag, not caring that my papers were already crumpling as I stood up and heaved my bag up on top of my desk. He was still putting his work away, standing as well, and he tensed at my words, but didn't turn around.

Either he really didn't like me, or I had done a really good job of making myself invisible to the class.

"Hey," I said again, leaning closer to him, hoping he would notice out of his peripheral vision.

He turned and looked at me then, his eyes locking with mine. My heart fluttered in my chest as I stared back for a moment, surprised, and I realized then how un-used to this kind of thing I was, people I didn't know well actually looking me in the eye when I talked to them. In all fairness, I'm pretty bad at making eye contact myself, but most other people are usually focusing on other things, like they aren't that interested in what I'm saying.

It was really nice, much nicer than I would have thought it'd be.

And then I also realized that I had not actually come up with something to say to him. I had gotten as far as 'compliment' but I had no idea what I was going to compliment on. Panicking, I said the first thing that came to mind.

"You have a nice face."

You have a nice face.

You have a nice face.

I said, "You have a nice face."

Why in the world would I say, "You have a nice face"?

His eyes widened in surprise, and my face turned red as what I had said really set into my brain.

You have a nice face.

"That's all!" I said, my voice raising an octave as I rushed the words out, as if I was hoping that if I filled the current silence between us with new words, I could push the old ones out and we wouldn't have to remember them. "I don't really have anything else to say so I'll head home first! Goodbye!"

I swung my bag over my shoulder, glad I had put off speaking to him by packing it so I didn't have to stay any longer after I humiliated myself. I rushed out of the classroom without looking back, my heart pounding and face flushed almost until I reached home, more embarrassed than I had been in a long time.

As I walked through the front door to my home I couldn't call out a greeting to my mom; apparently I couldn't be trusted to speak.

"Soo Young? Is that you?" she called from the kitchen.

"Yes!" I let out as I by passed the kitchen and ran up to my room so I could wallow in my embarrassment alone.

"Wait," she called, following me.

I had already reached my bedroom and dropped my bag on the ground as I flopped on my bed, not bothering to turn my head to the side, wondering if it was possible for me to die from lack of oxygen if I kept my face smashed into the bed like this.

Probably not.

"What's wrong?" my mom asked, reaching my bedroom.

"I talked to someone today." I answered, not really wanting to relive it.

"I take that it didn't go well?" she asked, and from her voice I could tell she had moved to sit at my desk chair.

"No," I answered, not moving my face and not caring that my voice probably sounded muffled to her. This all happened because her and dad tried to force me to socialize. "I tried the compliment thing and I ended up saying something weird. Now he probably thinks that I'm weird and I have to sit next to him knowing that he thinks I'm weird and I can't even be offended because it's my own fault for being weird!"

"It can't have been that bad. What did you say?"

"I told him he has a 'nice face'."

My mom didn't respond immediately, so I turned my head to get a look at her face. To my horror, she was grimacing with the effort not to laugh.

"It's not funny!" I said, feeling the embarrassment closing in on me.

"Oh Soo Young, it's really not that bad," she said, still smiling. "It really is kind of funny, though."

"Oh my gosh," I said, turning my face back into my bed, revisiting thoughts of death.

"It's going to be hard the first couple of times, but you'll get better!" she tried to comfort, but it only built horror on top of my embarrassment as I remembered my parents weren't going to give up on this until I had a friend. "Besides, it was still a compliment, no matter how oddly worded. Even if he does think you're weird, he'll think you're a nice, weird person, which isn't so bad. If it bothers you so much, you don't have to talk to him anymore. You don't have to be so upset by it. We all say embarrassing things to people."

"He sits next to me in class," I say, refusing to feel better. "I'm going to have to see him and sit next to him everyday for the next couple of months. Unless one of us is sick. Or one of us transfers schools."

"Now you're just being ridiculous," Mom says, seeing where I was going with that train of thought. "I'm really proud of you for trying, though."

I turn my head to look at her and she's smiling. I feel fractionally better.

"I've got to finish making dinner. Don't forget to do you're homework," she says as she gets up and leaves me alone with myself.

It was easy for her to be positive about it, it wasn't her that messed up. She's really social and good with people, she doesn't make mistakes like this, despite what she may have said.

I play the scene over in my mind again, unable to help myself. I cringe at my own weirdness, but then remember something that I didn't have much time to dwell on earlier. I couldn't tell for sure, his skin is tan which makes it hard, but I thought I saw his cheeks tinged pink. So does that mean he was blushing? Maybe I embarrassed him. I did say something weird out of the blue.

That thought only made me feel worse, that I troubled someone else. If he already disliked me, and I embarrassed him, then he probably dislikes me even more now.

Why am I so bad at this?