Class was boring, as per usual.

The teacher for my last period of the day was going on about something that I should probably be listening to, but I couldn't focus. I wanted to read.

I live a pretty mundane life, in a good way, but it still has its flaws. So I like to read. Books let me experience drama, adventure, and even some romance, none of which are typical occurrences for me. I'm not unhappy with my life by any means. I'm pretty blessed, and I am fully aware of that. I have two loving parents who are still together and an older sister, all of whom I get along well with. I have one friend, but she goes to another school, so I don't get to see her that often, but all in all, I live a good life.

I just have problems enjoying it.

Which is another reason I read. I like to read stories to learn about the world and people and what kind of person I want to be and how best to treat and interact with people. The big problem there is I spend so much time reading about it I don't get much real practice in, and therefore have become even more socially awkward than I am naturally. It's why I haven't made any new friends since elementary school, and Ga In and I only got a chance to get close because our parents are.

The teacher suddenly made eye contact with me, startling me out of my thoughts. Had he just been talking to me? Oh crap. Oh crap. Thankfully, he looked away and continued with what he was saying. I listened to him for a few minutes after that; might as well get a few notes while my attention is focused. I scribbled a few things down and then, quite majestically, managed to lose the grip on my pencil, fumbling with it for a moment before dropping it.

I sat there for a second, staring at my desk, somewhere between shocked and impressed at my skills with a pencil. By the time I decided I should pick it up (the teacher had said something that sounded like it could be vital or a throw away piece of information, sometimes it was hard to tell, like all the time) and leaned over to do just that, I saw a hand had already reached out and grabbed it. I leaned back and looked up at the person sitting next to me who had been so kind as to pick up my pencil for me, and I was surprised at who I saw.

Shame crept up at the realization that I was surprised as it was already a couple of weeks into the school year. I'm typically an unobservant person, and I have a habit of pulling out a book at any opportunity and wind up reading before school starts, and between every period, but I didn't think I had actually missed the person who sat right next to me. 

"Thanks," I said, recovering from my initial surprise and taking my pencil back, careful not to accidentally touch his hand. Skin-to-skin contact always seemed so intimate to me, I always try to avoid it with pretty much everyone, unless I'm in an unusually affectionate mood.

His eyes were large as he looked back at me. They were widened, for reasons I couldn't even begin to guess at, making them look even larger than they already were. The rest of his face was just as baffling; straight nose, high cheeks, full, soft lips, and a jaw that wasn't quite strong, but definitely was not weak either.

How had I not noticed that I was sitting next to such a good looking guy?

My friend, Ga In, joked that I wasn't heteroual or homoual, but actually aual since I never seemed interested in anyone. This wasn't the case, of course, but I never confided anything her because I knew none of my crushes would ever come to fruition; the more I liked a boy, the more I avoided him, and the more I avoided him, the more I cemented my non-existence in his world. This eventually became my defense plan every time the butterflies invaded. I always knew I would get over the guys eventually, anyways. Most of my crushes were pretty shallow, so there was never anything for my feelings to hold onto.

Ga In, on the other hand, was a pretty much a model, just without the job, and couldn't make herself invisible if she tried. She was tall and beautiful and one of the friendliest, magnetic people you will ever meet. Boys practically flock to her, so she gets to know a good number of guys, and if she winds up liking them, there isn't as much worry on her end over if he would like her back or anything like that. She's already had a couple of boyfriends, kissed a few guys. She likes romance, and knows I do to, so she wants me to get a boyfriend too (as I am very much heteroual, all jokes aside) which is why I know it'd be hard for her to understand when I don't want to go for the guy I like.

My reasoning is pretty stupid, honestly, which is most of the problem, and as most of my social problems can be traced back to, I'm pretty sure this has to do with my reading habits. I like romances, especially the kind where the guy falls for the girl first, and chases her no matter what anyone says, and I always dreamed something like this would happen to me. This probably also partly stems from my lack of self-esteem, but I've been working on it by making myself just not care, which is a lot easier than building it up. It surprisingly works. To an extent.

All this to say I like this boy sitting next to me? No. Am I attracted to him? Definitely. But it's not love at first sight by any means.

He gives a small nod, acknowledging my thanks, the surprised look not leaving his face.

I was about to turn back to face the teacher so I could pretend to listen again, but decided to give him a quick smile before. I had made a resolution to smile more at people a while ago, especially cashiers and the like. Smiling at them was the most fun, because some would seem so surprised and their smile would be so big and real. It was really quite cute, how bright some of their faces got. And it always made me feel good when people smiled at me, so I wanted to do that more for other people, including this guy who picked up my pencil for me.

Apparently, he didn't feel the same way about smiles as I did. His head whipped around so fast, not even facing the front, but the other side of the room where I couldn't see his face at all.

I guess not everyone appreciates being smiled at?

It's a real shame, because I was sure his smile would have been beautiful. Maybe it isn't and he's embarrassed by it? No, that can't be it. He wouldn't need to turn away from me so much.

Oh well. It doesn't really matter.

But I did want to see it.

After a few minutes, I can't help but sneak a glance in his direction. He really was good looking. His head was turned back in my direction again, and I thought he was looking at me, but it was only for a moment. As soon as I looked his eyes flickered and were on the front of the room. He fidgeted in his seat and tilted his head a bit in the other direction again.

Did this guy not like me? I don't know what I would have done to make him dislike me, but I'm not sure how else to think of his behavior. Maybe I was bothering him somehow? But I had no idea what I was doing.

I focused my eyes on the teacher again, sitting as properly in my seat as I could. I grabbed my pencil to take some more notes, but It was hard to pay attention, even harder than before. I glanced at the clock and noticed school was almost over, thank goodness. I could go home, read, and maybe by tomorrow all of this could reset to the way it was before. Except with me actually being aware that he was sitting next to me. For some reason, that didn't seem possible, though.

For some reason, it felt like something important had changed, but I couldn't be sure what.