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Chapter 5

“Have your ears started bleeding yet?”

Taeyeon lifts one side of Yuri’s headphone, inspecting her ear for possible damages. Yuri slaps Taeyeon’s hands away, removes her headphones and leaves them hanging on her neck.

“They’re honestly not that bad! Also, your voice can make any song sound great so you don’t have to worry so much. Pick whichever you feel like.”

Taeyeon blushes and alternates between looking at each corner of the room to avoid Yuri’s adoring gaze. Yuri was like a proud parent who bragged about their child too often, making Taeyeon feel both loved and incredibly awkward at the same time. Sometimes, after Taeyeon’s solo performance, Yuri would rush to meet her backstage just to pat her on the head and say “You did well, kid.” 

“Just don’t choose track 3, 5, 6, 11, 17, and 19.  They don’t deserve your voice.” Yuri adds big, bolded crosses on the track list sheet, just in case.

She leans her chin onto Yuri’s shoulder to peek at the comments Yuri meticulously scribbled next to each song title.

“Why don’t you write a song for my album? You won’t have to jump through unnecessary hoops. I’ll definitely put it in. “

In any possible way, Taeyeon desperately wants to share this album with all of her members.

Yuri cups Taeyeon’s chin with two fingers and bobs her head slowly.

“Look at this kid abusing her power,” Yuri teases.

“I mean it. It doesn’t even have to be good.”

Yuri swings her chair around to face Taeyeon. The movement is so rapid that Taeyeon’s head jerks forward from the sudden loss of its support. Yuri’s face carries a frown and for a moment, Taeyeon worries that she might have insulted Yuri’s songwriting abilities.

Yuri points a finger at Taeyeon accusingly.

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing, Kim Taeyeon.”

Taeyeon releases the breath she’s been holding at the sight of Yuri’s smile. She keeps forgetting that the members always know her better than she thinks.

“It’s not a bad thing.” Taeyeon drawls and flashes a mischievous smirk.

“Also, your songs are great. I’m as big of a fan of your songwriting abilities as you are of my vocal skills. If you wanted a duet partner, would you make me audition?” 

She bites Yuri’s pointed finger playfully and waits for a reply, knowing she has made a strong argument.

Yuri’s face light up and Taeyeon makes a mental note to give compliments more freely to the members.

“Of course not.” Yuri says gently and places her hand on her chest.

“So you’ll do it?”

“Taengoo, are you sure?”

Taeyeon throws her hands in the air in frustration.

“Seriously, do you want me to beg? Because I would.”

She gets down on one knee and takes Yuri’s hand.

“Would you, Kwon Yuri, do me the honour of being my songwriter?”

Yuri laughs heartily in response and Taeyeon knows she’s already won.

 “Don’t ever change, Kim Taeyeon.”

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“Would you choose a solo career over us?”

Taeyeon raises her eyebrow, evidently bored by this question. It’s the first time the girls are together in weeks and Taeyeon feels that their time with each other is too precious to be wasted on her answering the same question she has been answering for a decade. Granted, their circumstances have changed, but she hasn’t.

She gets hit squarely on the face with a cushion. The perpetrator was clearly annoyed at her slow response.

“She wouldn’t.”

Tiffany answers on her behalf, throwing the cushion back at Jessica, missing her by a mile.

She flashes a brief smile to Tiffany and sighs.

“I might,” Taeyeon says, surprising everyone in the room. Judging by their expressions, Taeyeon suspects that they are taking her answer more seriously than she did. Tiffany’s lips are pressed together in a tight line, trying to hide the hurt and confusion.

“It depends on all of you,” she adds quickly. “If any of you would like to have a life out of Girls’ Generation, I will not stand in your way. And if you need me to take the first step to setting each of you free, I would.”

 “How poetic. You should release a book with that solo album.”

With Hyoyeon’s comment, the mood is lightened once again.

Sunny runs her fingers through Taeyeon’s hair and pats her on the head, obviously delighted by her answer.

“Would you choose your company over us then?” Yuri asks hesitantly, eyes avoiding Jessica’s. That is probably why she didn’t see the cushion flying towards her face.

Jessica does have superior aim.

“You just asked Taengoo the same thing!” Yuri punches the cushion in feigned annoyance.

“I'll always want to be in Girls' Generation. But it depends on who’s making me choose.” Jessica shrugs while Taeyeon’s heart sinks. She suspects that there is a ‘yes’ buried somewhere deep within that answer, and she can’t help but replay this conversation in her head for the next few weeks.

__________________________________________________________________________________

With the wind in her hair, she confesses her love to this city.

Tiffany chuckles next to her and tries sneaking glances whilst keeping her own eyes on the road.

“Well, I’m glad you like it.”

This is the third time Taeyeon has been to California. Tiffany has always wanted to share this part of her life with the members, but never got the opportunity to. Taeyeon wanted to see this city, love this city, because of Tiffany. It reminds her of how much Tiffany has given up to be part of Girls’ Generation.

“Would you move back to LA?”

Taeyeon has been thinking about the future a lot lately. It invades her thoughts, scatters her concentration, and leaves her hollow. She sees the members’ future – Jessica with her company, Yoona with her acting, Hyoyeon with her dance academy, Seohyun finally becoming a politician and changing the world etc. She wishes she felt as confident about her future as she did with theirs.

She realises that she doesn’t want to be alone.

Taeyeon is a mess of contradictions when it comes to people. She likes being alone, yet she doesn’t want to. It confuses her, scares her, annoys her and she can’t figure out what she truly craves.

“I don’t know, to be honest.”

Tiffany continues to ponder the question after replying. She purses her lips and taps the steering wheel with her thumbs, staring attentively at the road, as if imagining the future ahead.

“It’s like I have two families and two homes. I’ve been in Korea for so long that it would feel weird moving back to LA, but I’m not sure I would stay in Korea if we disband.”

“Why not?” Taeyeon thinks she understands, but the question comes out sharper than intended.

“I don’t want to stay just to get left behind.” Tiffany mutters under her breath, barely audible.

“I will never leave you behind.”

Taeyeon feels the burden of her promise, but the weight of her words do not register on Tiffany’s face. 

She holds her pinkie up in the air and it takes six excruciatingly long seconds till Tiffany hooks it with her own.

“I won’t let you,” Tiffany replies, adding a promise of her own.