Chapter 1

She could see that the light of the dorm was on from the other side of the door. She knows that they are waiting up for her and she feels incredibly selfish making them wait a little while longer. A feeling of dread weighed upon her.  It will take a lot of effort convincing them that they have nothing to worry about.

 And Kim Taeyeon is exhausted.

She feels an instant wave of relief (and a slight shade of disappointment), when she realises that it was just Tiffany.

Just Tiffany.

“They didn’t want to overwhelm you, so they sent me as a representative.” Tiffany explains as she puts away her laptop.

“What are they saying?”

 “I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to look at the forums. I was too busy writing an angry email to the company.”

Tiffany smiles (not quite reaching her eyes this time) and walks over to embrace Taeyeon in a tight hug.

Taeyeon wants to return the gesture, but her arms fall limb at her sides. Instead, she rests her head on Tiffany’s shoulder. This made her feel light-headed, as if half the weight of her thoughts were now on Tiffany’s shoulders. She gazes into the distance, staring at Tiffany’s laptop, pondering the contents of Tiffany’s email and fan reactions all over the Internet.

“I didn’t send it,” Tiffany sighs apologetically. “I was too angry. The email would be too unprofessional for them to take me seriously. Maybe I should show up at their board meeting and yell at them instead. They can’t do this to you. I’ll...”

Taeyeon could feel Tiffany’s heartbeat quicken as she vented. After her long rant, Tiffany goes silent for a minute and soon after, Taeyeon feels a dampness on her cheek. It takes her awhile to realise that the tears are not hers.

“You’re awful at this Hwang Miyoung,” says a familiar voice.

Sunny is leaning against the door frame of their room. Her arms are crossed and she looks unimpressed and amused at the same time. Taeyeon smiles and nods in agreement. Sunny always had great comedic timing.

Tiffany releases Taeyeon from her embrace and starts walking threateningly towards Sunny. Before Tiffany could say (or do) anything, Sunny’s phone starts beeping and vibrating furiously.

Sunny starts chuckling while scrolling through her messages.

“They all agree that you’re awful.”

They?  

“Give me that!” Tiffany snatches the phone from Sunny and begins reading the messages while the phone continues beeping.

“Taeyeon-ah, they’re being mean to me!” Tiffany pouts while trying to hide a smile.

“Except Juhyun.” Tiffany corrects herself.

All Taeyeon got was a glimpse at the title of the group chat before Sunny grabbed the phone back from Tiffany.

“Kid leader support group”

Each member has a tendency to take life too seriously at some point. Taeyeon is grateful that it never happens to them all at the same time. In this business, sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it. Or rather, have people around who will remind you to laugh about it.

“Taeyeon my love, what’s on your mind?” Tiffany prods her playfully.

“I think all of you should go to bed. No amount of makeup can cover up how ugly you look when you’re tired,” Taeyeon jokes loudly and hears Sunny’s phone beeping rapidly in protest.

“Jessica thanks you for your blessing. She says that choosing between her love for you and her love for sleep has been tearing her apart. And now Yuri says she’s snoring. Already? Sooyoung says that she has been wanting to get a snack for the longest time but was afraid to ruin the moment and now Hyoyeon is asking me to stop reading all of this… out… loud…” Sunny’s smile fades as the realisation hits her.

They used to be more subtle in the past. Now they feel fully justified talking about Taeyeon whenever Taeyeon wouldn’t talk to them. This used to bother Taeyeon. They really should save their time and energy. I’m fine. But it was comforting to know that they cared for her that much. She wished she could express that the feeling was mutual, but she always assumed they knew.

Sunny leaves her and Tiffany alone in the living room after declaring that she had set Tiffany on the right path.

“Now that you are no longer crying or homicidal, I am going to give you full custody of our kid leader. Try not to look too ugly in the morning” Sunny gave Taeyeon a hug and headed to bed.

“Do you want to talk?” Tiffany asks. In the past, Tiffany would try to force truths and confessions out of her. But soon Tiffany realised that talking did not necessarily make Taeyeon feel any better.

“Or not talk.” Tiffany smirks.

“Fany-ah, are you trying to seduce me?”

“I have a boyfriend now, TaeTae”

“So do I. Apparently.”

Tiffany’s expression darkens and Taeyeon still finds it amusing how Tiffany seems to always feel emotions on her behalf.

“Miyoung-ah, I’m okay. Really. I’m more worried for the boy. He’s just a kid.”

“Says the kid.” mutters Tiffany softly.  

Taeyeon hugs Tiffany because she doesn’t know what to say. She feels so empty that she is convinced her words will come out hollow.

“I love you,” she whispers.

To her surprise, Tiffany immediately breaks away from the hug and proceeds to flick her on the forehead. “Yah! That was my moment. I was going to say it but you beat me too it. Now it just seems like you love me more!”

Trust Tiffany to make this into a competition.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Nobody was in the mood to joke that morning.

“How many death threats have I received so far?”

Except Taeyeon of course.

“Unnie, please don’t say things like that. And Tiffany unnie, you should stop reading these comments. They are rarely constructive.” says the sensible maknae.

“Sometimes, I wish… I wish we could choose our fans.” Yuri stands up from Tiffany’s side and walks towards the kitchen.  “Coffee anyone?”

The girls are too stunned by Yuri’s confession to respond. Sure, the thought has crossed each of their minds, but they have never dared voice it out loud. Ultimately, they were grateful for the sheer amount of love and adoration they constantly received. Regardless of the (sometimes ridiculous) expectations that comes with it.    

“Always” Jessica yawns while replying.

Taeyeon is about to check her phone but Sunny manages to grab it right before she unlocks it.

“From today onwards, I am your personal assistant. I shall answer all your messages and calls. You will stay away from the internet and… passionate fans. You’re now in a bubble of positivity.” Sunny uses her finger to draw an invisible circle around Taeyeon then closes her eyes to mimic the expression of a meditating monk.

Taeyeon appreciates the gesture, but the company definitely wouldn’t. She would love to hide from the world, but it’s going to be a crazy week and Taeyeon would need to be reachable at all times. Her train of thought is interrupted by Tiffany repeatedly hitting the “Enter” button on her laptop.

After sensing that the whole room was looking at her, Tiffany smiles wryly and apologises.

“I was refreshing the page to down vote a particular comment. It was just too… stupid. On the bright side, that post now has 72 thumbs down.” Tiffany beams proudly.

“Wow.” Hyoyeon starts clapping slowing. “How would Taeyeon ever survive without you? Fighting internet trolls is so important. I’m glad she has you.” Hyoyeon mocks playfully.

Before they could start their bickering, Taeyeon’s phone starts ringing. Sunny looks at the screen and contemplates for a moment. She then hands the phone over to Taeyeon.

“I think you should take this.”

__________________________________________________________________________________

“Do you understand why we’re doing this?”

Does it even matter?

She gazes over to Baekhyun. He nods slowly, his eyes never leaving the floor. He looks so defeated that when his eyes rose to meet hers, she had to look away.  She starts staring at his shoes, then hers, then settles on trying to decipher the odd patterns on the tiles.

“Taeyeon?”

“Noona?”

“Taeyeon, what are you thinking?” says a slightly raised voice.

Does it even matter?

They brought both Baekhyun and her in today to gauge their emotional states. This scandal had generated so much fan hate towards the both of them that the company was starting to worry about them coming clean. The company makes it a point to constantly remind them why they are being forced to lie to their fans. “It’s for the greater good,” they said. “Helping the company will only benefit you and your group,” they said. She believed them for years. It is hard not to when you grew up within a company. But now she finally sees it for what it is – emotional blackmail.

“You shouldn’t worry about me,” she says, finally breaking the silence.

 “Good. Because we wouldn’t just ask this of you without giving you something back in return.”

Perhaps a bribe would be slightly better than blackmail. The thought was appalling. But maybe she would be able to ask for a bigger dorm for the group. It would be nice if each of the members had a room to themselves. 

Taeyeon could be very naïve sometimes.

_________________________________________________________________________________

“How was couples counselling?” Hyoyeon asks before taking a sip of her coffee. She cringes at the taste, sticking her tongue out at the same time as if waiting for the taste of bad coffee to evaporate. They couldn’t have their coffee date at their usual place, just in case some fans were waiting there with axes and pitchforks.

Taeyeon allows the events of the day to flood her mind. A solo contract. It’s not like she had never wanted it. Badly. She had just stopped wanting it for a really long time. Once she joined Girls Generation, there was no turning back. Thinking about a solo career now feels like some kind of betrayal, even though she knows that the members would be more than supportive.

“You’re taking too long. It’s making me feel so awkward that I feel the need to drink this awful coffee to fill the silence,” Hyoyeon lifts her coffee cup, nods to herself, and takes a big gulp.

 She covers , as if trying hard to prevent herself from spitting it all out again.

“Really? You have nothing to say to me?” Hyoyeon gives a disgusted look while staring at her coffee. She was holding her cup with two hands this time, preparing herself. “Think about what you’re about to make me do, Kim Taeyeon. Bad coffee should be illegal.”

“They are offering me and Baekhyun solo contracts.”

Taeyeon spent hours thinking about how she would break the news, or if she should in the first place. With Hyoyeon, it comes out much easier than she expected.