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Chapter 19

“Your idea of a getaway is to hide in the next room? What is wrong with you?” Jessica whispers indignantly in the scantily lit room, shooting Tiffany a disconcerted glare. Jessica shakes her head and proceeds to tenderly drape her duvet over Yoona, who is sound asleep on Jessica’s bed. The other bed is occupied too and Tiffany silently curses her fate.

“It’s not like my escape was premeditated. My keys and phone are in my room. I couldn’t leave the dorm.” Tiffany repeatedly hits her head (lightly) against the door, desperately needing an outlet to express her utter frustration, but afraid of waking the other two in the room.

Jessica shuffles across the room and s her desk in the dark, gathering the necessary items. “Let’s go.” She reaches for the doorknob but Tiffany grabs her hand before contact.

“We can’t. I didn’t shut the room door. What if Taeyeon sees me leave? What if she stops me? What if she looks at me with those sad pretty eyes and I…”

Jessica places a finger on Tiffany’s lips, effectively silencing her.

“Do you want the whole room to know?” Jessica slowly lowers her finger and quickly scans the room.

“That’s the least of my concerns right now. They will find out eventually anyway, I just really need…”

Tiffany is interrupted yet again - this time by the sudden change in light intensity, hurting her eyes. After blinking a few times to adjust her vision, she notices Sunny sitting upright on her bed with her legs crossed, smiling back at her smugly.

“Turn off the lights! You’ll wake Yoona!” Jessica grumbles, gesturing wildly.

“Oh please,” Sunny drawls. “Yoona is a light sleeper and Fany did slam the door and curse just as loudly.” The two girls follow Sunny’s gaze towards the resting figure. As if on cue, Yoona’s eyes flutter open, her lips pressed into a thin line.

“Sorry.” Yoona apologises for no apparent reason.

Tiffany flops onto the space next to Yoona’s legs, resignedly waiting for an interrogation and fearing the impending judgement. Her mind is fuzzy from frustration, exhaustion and a whole tangled mess of other emotions that she is currently incapable of identifying. She feels the need to lie down.

“I told Sunny.” Jessica confesses, unapologetic. “She was filling the blanks with worse things, so I kind of had to. Also, we have this special bond now that we’re roommates.”  Jessica winks and Sunny sends a flying kiss in response.

“Now we’ll just have to scar our little Yoona,” Sunny grins, rubbing her palms together mischievously, and Tiffany is strangely relieved that she wouldn’t need to tell the whole story herself. Just thinking about it gave her a migraine.

“Actually, you don’t need to.” Yoona clenches her teeth and darts her eyes around uneasily.

“It wasn’t me.” Jessica raises her hands defensively. “Wait, did you?” Jessica questions Tiffany and Tiffany mouths the word “no”, failing to reach the obvious conclusion.

“Taeyeon unnie told me,” Yoona explains, sending the room into shock. A million questions raced through Tiffany’s mind, and she didn’t know where to start. Yoona lets out a nervous chuckle and props herself up to lean against the headboard. “I feel like I’m in the wrong room right now. Can I go check on Taeyeon unnie?” she asks sheepishly.

“Why did she tell you?” Sunny answers Yoona’s question with another one, curiosity mixed with a slight hint of envy.

“Well, out of all of us, Yoona has been in a relationship the longest.” Jessica reasoned.

“It’s not like that. I happened to visit the dorm to collect some belongings on the day that Fany unnie left so Taeyeon unnie told me everything. I’ve been in the loop ever since.” Yoona kicks the duvet aside and swings her feet onto the ground.

“You kept this from all of us for two years?” Jessica asks, impressed.

“It wasn’t hard when everyone assumed they knew the whole story.” Yoona shrugs.

“What does she… What should I… What do you think we… I…” Tiffany struggles to string a coherent sentence, the questions rolling over each other like casualties of a stampede.

“Fany unnie,” Yoona calls out firmly and faces Tiffany towards her. “I can’t speak on behalf of Taeyeon unnie because I don’t want to accidentally misinterpret things or allow words to get lost in translation.” She inhales deeply and Tiffany does the same. “Besides, it’s not like we have heartfelt conversations about this all the time. I’m more like…” Yoona purses her lips, searching for the right word. “…a failsafe. I promised I’d let her know when I think the situation is getting out of hand. She doesn’t recount feelings, purely facts- like ‘Tiffany did this and said that…’ I mostly nod along and stop her from thinking too much. I don’t know what to say most of the time anyway. It’s kind of weird, you know. We all grew up together.”  Yoona laughs, probably as awkwardly as she feels.

“So you don’t think the situation has gotten out of control yet?” Tiffany asks, feeling her anxiety ebb away. In some ways, Yoona was being her failsafe too.

“We’re not there yet, don’t worry.” Yoona pats Tiffany on the head, ironically reminding Tiffany of her older sister. ‘You are both kind of cute.” Another awkward laugh. “Weirdly cute.” Yoona adds, clearing .   

“I’m going back.” Tiffany decides and nods to herself, determined. “She’s probably driving herself crazy right now.”

“She’ll survive. Did you develop sudden amnesia and forget why you left in the first place?” Jessica asks, now exasperated.  If anyone was going to lose their mind first, it was Jessica.

“I panicked.”

“That we got. But why?” Sunny asks, equally confused. Tiffany had stormed into the room melodramatically just to casually take a bow.

Tiffany starts with “I don’t know” and infuriated groans follow. Jessica pulls a chair from the desk, faces it away from Tiffany, and slumps against it.  

“There’s this girl…”

“Taeyeon.” Sunny chimes.

“Taeyeon.” Tiffany repeats.

“Whom you love.” Sunny fills in the blanks again, leading her thoughts astray.

“Stop it.”

“You’re blushing.”

“Shut up.”

“Admit it, Taeyeon was too hot for you to handle. That’s why you couldn’t stand being in the same room as her.” Sunny laughs at her own stupid joke and it’s contagious. Yoona hides her face while Jessica’s suppressed laughter ends up sounding more like fits of coughs.  

“I hate you.” Tiffany feels her lips curving upwards, betraying her. Sunny’s reaction was so much better than she dared hope. She would take teasing over berating any day.

“That’s because all your love is for Taeyeon unnie.” Yoona chips in boldly and Sunny loses it – she falls backwards, clapping fervently and kicking the air.  Even Jessica had spun her chair around, her eyes widened.

“I’m sorry.” Yoona wraps her arms around Tiffany, emanating a big sister vibe again.  Tiffany buries her face in Yoona’s shoulder, feeling small. She doesn’t allow Yoona to let go. This night would have been infinitely darker and more intense if Tiffany had left the dorm. There would probably be tears, not laughter.

“Don’t worry, you are still my favourite.” Tiffany whispers loudly, drawing out each word.

“Funny, I’ve been hearing that a lot lately.” Yoona boasts but Tiffany finds it extremely easy to believe.

“Do you think Taeny is hotter, or Yoontiff?” Jessica wonders aloud, making their lengthy hug uncomfortable.

“Don’t start.” Tiffany leans away from Yoona and points a threatening finger at Jessica, still blushing, slightly amused. 

“Start your story then.” Jessica retorts. “Don’t interrupt her, Sunny. I’d love to be asleep within the hour.”

Sunny yawns, giving consent.

“There’s this girl…” Yoona reminds Tiffany where she left off, making her feel oddly self-conscious. She cringes - it sounded less tacky in her head. The people in the room were finally taking her seriously and it was unsettling, but love was an unsettling thing.

Tiffany takes a deep breath, the kind one takes before diving underwater.

“Call it intuition, confidence or delusion, but in that moment - after she had told me she loved me – I truly felt like I had her. If I had kissed her there and then, she would reciprocate and it would all be over. But then the smoke cleared and I saw this girl who’s absolutely terrified of me leaving, who would never push me away, and I keep closing the distance between us, backing her into a tight corner. It’s selfish, it’s unfair, it’s manipulative - All around a truly horrible thing to do to a person.”

I can’t believe I’m giving them reasons to hate me, she thinks, but it was not like she didn’t deserve it. Tiffany had always been most protective of Taeyeon, and in a way this part of her had resurfaced temporarily, desperately flailing its feeble arms - hoping to pass the baton to someone else before it got swallowed whole by this ugly thing Tiffany called love.

She can’t read their faces and they don’t share their thoughts.

“I know I’m taking a step back now, but chances are I’ll take two steps forward tomorrow because everything leads to her. I mean, here I am, talking to all of you about what a terrible person I am as if I’ve learnt my lesson, but in fact - I haven’t. It’s crazy, when I think about it. It’s like I no longer care about who I am or who I become because at the end of the day - I want her, and that’s the only part of me that’s constant.” 

Silence.

Deafening, crushing silence.

Perhaps Tiffany had backed them all into a corner too.

The other three exchange glances, as if they were having a private conversation with their eyes.

“Say something, please.” Tiffany pleads.

Jessica straightens her posture, appearing somewhat business-like. “I know you expect us to flock towards Taeyeon and form a human barricade, but that’s not going to happen. We're here for you. Period. The same applies to Taeyeon. You need to know that this isn’t some kind of war where the rest of us will be choosing sides. We’re all a team – the same team - and…”

“We love you and all your crazy.” Sunny hijack’s Jessica’s sentence and Jessica tilts her head from side to side, agreeing with the general direction of Sunny’s words. They both break into an earnest smile and Tiffany feels a huge weight roll off her chest. “We’ve accepted a lot of crazy throughout the years - that’s how we bond. This isn’t nearly as bad as you think. Like Yoona said, it’s weirdly cute. I love it!” Sunny grabs a pillow and crushes it with a hug.

Yoona raises her hand hesitantly, seeking permission to speak.

“Yoona is going to disagree.” Jessica sniggers.

“I’m not!”

“Then just say what you want to say.”

“I’m not supposed to, but I really want to.”

“Say it.” The other three chant concurrently.

“It’s not about Taeyeon unnie. Well, it kind of is. But you have to promise that you won’t dig deeper into this, or if you’re Fany unnie - read too much into it.”

“Just tell us.” Sunny flings a pillow at Yoona, who casually knocks it away in one fluid movement, unfazed. Yoona sighs, already giving in. 

“I know for a fact that Taeyeon unnie doesn’t just allow anyone to kiss her, even if it’s one of the members.”

“That’s true.” Jessica agrees in a heartbeat while Sunny shrugs nonchalantly.

Yoona seemed confused and slightly disappointed by the lack of a reaction, having broken one of her principles unnecessarily. Tiffany, on the other hand, has her palm to her chest, wondering if this all meant what she thought it meant.

“What? Hasn’t everyone tried to kiss Taeyeon at some point?”

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