I *think* I'm finally starting to understand what most of you have been saying for quite sometime now, so I'm annoyingly changing the style again. (Omgosh can I rewrite everything? Cutting and adding scenes and moving chapters around and sticking to a style? How does one do that at this stage? I feel like I wasted a good story trying to get my writing act together.) Now I'm currently trying to figure out why the chapters feel shorter, even though they're not. 

Also, this story was supposed to end at Chapter 14 so I'm currently also strangling the air in front of me out of frustration.

Thank you for your patience  <3

Chapter 22

Tiffany finally cracks, but not in a way that anyone, not even herself, expected.

“Sunny told me what happened. You really scared everyone, including me. I honestly thought that you had changed your mind about me.” Taeyeon exhales again, rushed, as though she had accumulated her recent breaths and was releasing them all at once before she imploded. “I was at the studio and my voice just died. The recording session was cut short.” Taeyeon is gripping Tiffany’s hand so tightly, it trembles. 

“Nobody changes their mind that quickly.” Tiffany says gently, then brings their hands up to her lips and kisses Taeyeon’s until her hold loosens – until her confidence, like her hand, stops shaking. “I don’t see myself changing my mind about you.” She couldn’t promise forever – it would only reflect her naivety – but she saw Taeyeon as a constant. Losing Taeyeon – if she ever did – would be as sudden and as unimaginable as losing a limb.

“What was this afternoon about then?” Taeyeon asks, voice drained of vigour.

“I changed my mind about something else.”

She remembered avoiding their gazes, subduing a smile, not wanting to give anything away. They were Taeyeon’s friends too, she reminded herself, and she didn’t think it was fair robbing Taeyeon of sharing something this significant. Not that Taeyeon was the sharing type, but just in case. Sooyoung and Yuri decided, surprisingly, that Tiffany was not going to budge and pestered Sunny instead, who still had a smug I know something you don’t expression plastered on her face.

Tiffany remembered focusing on the stack of files sitting on the table in front of her – thinking wishfully that it would be fun to send the 8 solo contracts back to the company, shredded. Subsequently, her mind wandered to thoughts of Taeyeon and Girls’ Generation – how much she missed them, how lovely it’d be to work with the members and Taeyeon, how odd it’d feel to be into the spotlight once more, how she’ll be giving up this relatively normal life she’s built… 

That was when she felt a fiercely protective, rapidly solid reluctance to part with the life she currently had. Girls’ Generation had been her number one priority for 8 years – it was so simple back then. Now she had a job she loved and relationships she treasured and they made her so perfectly content that being in Girls’ Generation seemed like a threat to all of the above – like a third ball thrown at her, turning her firm grasp into a juggle, risking it all.

Her thoughts overwhelmed her – she felt like she couldn’t possibly have it all, yet she couldn’t stop all her wants from breaking her heart.

So she ended up sobbing on Yuri’s shoulder, like a petulant child. She couldn’t talk about it then – she felt too much like a traitor when Girls’ Generation took a plunge from her list of priorities. Perhaps it was her 15 year old self that was crying.

“About what?”

She realises that she’s now the one who’s hurting Taeyeon’s hand so she lets go and wraps her arms around Taeyeon’s shoulder instead, bringing them closer until Taeyeon’s head rested on her collarbone. She wonders why they’re seated on the ground, instead of a bed, but that was how she found Taeyeon – leaning against the side of her bed, head buried in her knees. For a moment, she feared that Taeyeon had changed her mind about their relationship. Finally getting what you want can warp the mind in frightening, paranoid ways. 

“At the end of the day, I’m choosing you and I’m not sure what that means yet.”

She hopes that Taeyeon, being Taeyeon, had thought about all of this beforehand. Perhaps that was the reason she took so long to reciprocate.

“Basically, no kissing in public.” Taeyeon answers simply, like it was the only clause.

“What if I want to?” she presses.

“Then we’ll move to the mountains in Canada or something.”

Again, an effortless reply.

“Would you?”

“If kissing me in public becomes the most important thing to you, we’ll go someplace that allows us to. Until then, stop driving yourself crazy. You’re going to drive me crazy too.” Taeyeon sighs, tracing her fingers down Tiffany’s arm.

It was true. Tiffany had been having some sort of nervous breakdown every day since they’ve been together, which was - she counted with her fingers, because it was hard to be sure when it’s equally dark the moment you fall asleep and wake up – three days. She didn’t even have to use her second hand. It felt a lot longer. More like three thousand days – the approximate number of days they have spent together.

“Is it that simple for you?” she wonders aloud.

“It can be.” Taeyeon replies in a heartbeat.

“You’re making this so easy for me.” she murmurs gratefully, etching Taeyeon’s words into her heart.

***

By Day 11, Tiffany had forgotten why she was ever worried in the first place.

Taeyeon became her new favourite hiding place. Within the confines of their bedroom, that was where stressful deadlines, baseless doubts, wandering nervous tension and the dull throbbing of fatigue would dissipate – remedied by intoxicating kisses and melodic declarations of love. They were moving too fast - leaning on each other to a potentially destructive degree – but the fall felt so natural that resisting it felt almost criminal.

Tiffany is constantly torn from shouting from the rooftops and keeping Taeyeon as a secret belonging only to her.

They wanted to tell the girls – all 7 of them – together, but that day kept getting postponed by scheduling mishaps and general busyness. The closest they have ever gotten to having full attendance was during a rehearsal two days ago where 8 members were present, but that was a sensitive number. Tiffany started getting impatient. Letting the girls know would be as official as it gets and Tiffany tried not to allow the thought to constantly tug at her mind.

When faced the rest of the world, they kept their interactions to the minimum. Simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, each other’s hair etc., held too much meaning for normalcy to contain. Tiffany would find herself unknowingly drawing circles at the back of Taeyeon’s hand with her thumb when they joined hands, or leaning in for a kiss after every hug – every step they took towards each other brought them two steps closer to getting caught. Hence they decided to remove the risk altogether. It felt unnatural at first, but Tiffany was excellent at being professional.

“Are you and Taeyeon unnie fighting?”

Seohyun shuts her book and drums her thumbs on the hardcover – the question had evidently suspended heavily above her head for quite some time. It was uncommon to see the younger girl this agitated.

Tiffany was driving Seohyun to one of her musical rehearsals on the way to work. This carpooling arrangement was not done purely out of convenience - the location that Seohyun was heading to was slightly out of the way - but as an opportunity to spend time together. Furthermore, Tiffany was hoping that Seohyun would be moved by her sincerity and decide to live in the dorm with the rest of them. She would only have to convince Yoona and Hyoyeon next, which she suspected would be relatively easier.

“What made you think that?” Tiffany chuckles, oblivious to how her actions, or lack thereof, would appear to the rest of the members.

“I’m not blind. None of us are, unnie.” Seohyun sighs, stopping the tapping of her book. “Is it about the solo contract?”

It was a sound guess. If they were anywhere remotely close to having their first fight, it would probably be about the contracts. Taeyeon had somehow become convinced that the solo contracts are the greatest good that could ever come out of this mess. It was terrifying when Taeyeon was this adamant - Tiffany realised that Taeyeon had the power to choose their solo careers for them and it reminded her of the first time Taeyeon chose to disband Girls’ Generation.

“It’s not. Don’t worry about us, Juhyun. We’re closer than we’ve ever been.” She bites her lip, preventing herself from saying more. She shouldn’t be enjoying this, but playing with double meanings gave her a sudden thrill.  

“It’s not fair. I’m usually the first to notice things, but nobody wants to tell me anything.” She flips her book repeatedly on her knees, unusually fidgety. “Why do you think that is?”

Tiffany isn’t looking at Seohyun, but she can almost imagine her steady, contemplative gaze.

“You’re our baby. We want to protect you from as much unnecessary drama as possible. You’re too precious.” She lightly tousles Seohyun’s hair and receives a reserved grunt in response.

“Is the thing that’s happening between you and Taeyeon unnie another unnecessary drama?”

“No.” Tiffany asserts immediately, sounding more defensive than she intended. She half-wishes that she had lied.

“I’m good at keeping secrets, unnie. The best by a mile.”

They were 5 minutes away from their destination. She reminds herself that she had survived the deadly trio for hours (mostly because she started crying, but that was beside the point) – surely she could handle being in the car with the maknae for a mere 5 minutes.

“Can I trade with you? One secret for another.” Tiffany jokes nervously, searching her memory for some inconsequential tale about one of the members.  

“I’m the best at keeping secrets, Fany unnie, not giving them away.” Seohyun states logically, undeterred. “Don’t you think it’s quite a paradox? That people won’t know exactly how good I am with secrets, because none of them ever gets out. To prove that I am good, I will have to reveal everything - but that simultaneously discredits me.”

“You win.” Tiffany slumps against her seat, giving up without a fight. Taeyeon did say that she was allowed to tell anyone she wanted - at her discretion. Waiting for all 9 of them to be together seemed like an indefinite delay. “If I tell you what’s going on, will you move back into the dorm?”

“Deal.” Seohyun agrees instantly, as if moving back in was her intention all along.

Tiffany parks at the front of the building and turns to face the younger girl, wondering why she’s surrendering at the very last moment. Seohyun is pouting with her eyes narrowed, wary that Tiffany might suddenly change her mind. They lock gazes for seconds – a silent battle of wills. Tiffany finally sighs in defeat. If Taeyeon ever asks, Tiffany would argue that it’s because the maknae is too adorable.

Tiffany places her hand lightly on Seohyun’s shoulder, trying to find the right words.

“Taeyeon and I…”

She tries again.

“I lov…”

No, that wouldn’t tell her anything.

“We’re kind of…”

“Together?” Seohyun’s tone is hopeful, her pout fading into a smile.

“You’re happy.” Tiffany states, more like a question.

“I am happy that I was right. All the other unnie’s have been so clueless trying to guess what was going on. But I managed to piece it all together. It was the most plausible explanation. Don’t worry, I didn’t share my conclusion.” Seohyun grins from ear-to-ear, like she had just won some kind of prize. Tiffany was honestly tempted to award her one.

“I’m happy for the both of you too.” Seohyun adds moments later, like an afterthought. “I’m quite surprised it took you both this long, but it gave me lots of time to get used to the idea.”

“Was it hard to get used to the idea?” Tiffany asks, concerned, as she tucks Seohyun’s hair behind her ear. She wanted to know how Seohyun truly felt before she had to learn to cope with the inevitable.

“I wasn’t talking about the idea of you two being together. That didn’t faze me at all.” Seohyun insists by shaking her head. “I don’t actually know a whole lot about love so I never judge. It just took me a long time to get used to the idea that I was actually the third wheel in Taetiseo. I wasn’t imagining things then.” She stares ahead into space and chuckles at some distant memory. “I was so right.”  she mouths silently, nodding.

Tiffany suppresses a laugh, amused by Seohyun’s antics.

“You’re going to be late, kid.” Tiffany snaps her fingers twice, breaking Seohyun out of her trance.

Seohyun gives Tiffany a quick hug and warm “thank you” before stepping out of the car. With one foot out of the car and one hand on the doorframe, Seohyun pops her head back in with a smile.

“I’m happy for you, Fany unnie. I really am. Thank you for telling me. I don’t actually know that many secrets. Like I said, nobody tells me anything.”

***