I keep forgetting that I have this. If I didn't post it today, I probably never will.

Chapter 27

2017

Even with her eyes closed, Taeyeon sees lights. They move in sync with the music in her head, piercing her eyelids with different intensity, keeping her at the brink of sleep. The crew is testing the lighting on stage and it’s strangely calming without the explosive music – the kind of peace that accompanies a muted scene. Taeyeon is almost afraid that she would inadvertently drift into slumber - the feeling of perfect contentment envelops her snugly, making her forget the cold hardness of the ground she's lying on. She smiles - for no one but herself – and the swelling of her heart stops, as if the pressure of overwhelming joy had somehow leaked through her lips.

A sharp white light penetrates her eyelids and Taeyeon instinctively shuts her eyes more forcefully, assuming that it is a spotlight. She lets out a chuckle – imagining the confusion of the lighting director when he notices a tiny shadow at the middle of the stage. She raises her hand to give a thumbs up, just in case her stillness worries him.

“You have completely lost it, haven’t you?”

Taeyeon manages to glimpse the blurry outline of Tiffany standing over her before her eyes lose the battle to Tiffany’s penlight. The light disappears with a clicking sound and Tiffany’s crisp and loud laughter invades the silence of the arena.

“I was getting upset that you left without me - only to find you asleep at the middle of the stage.” Tiffany explains after catching her breath, kneels down, and lifts Taeyeon’s head onto her knees.

“I wasn’t asleep.” Taeyeon mumbles, seizing Tiffany’s gaze.

With the stage lights dancing behind Tiffany, Taeyeon slips into a daze, mesmerized from her vantage point. It is only when Tiffany’s face is inches away from hers that Taeyeon snaps out of her reverie and immediately rolls to her side, bumping her head on the ground.

“Ow.” Taeyeon exclaims, with one hand rubbing her head and the other propping herself up. When her eyes meet Tiffany’s again, they are not greeted with the same warmth and affection.

“We’re in public.” Taeyeon explains, with a tight smile, shuffling to Tiffany’s side.

“I often forget.” Tiffany whispers in response, absently, and takes in Taeyeon’s expression – reality shifting back into focus.

“Do you want to go home?” Taeyeon asks, yawning at the thought. It had been a long day.

“No.” Tiffany replies as she rests her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder. She takes a deep breath and wraps her arms around Taeyeon.

“This is nice.” she says and Taeyeon relaxes in Tiffany’s embrace, her head resting against Tiffany’s, silencing all thoughts regarding this open display of affection. These affectionate gestures seem to come more and more naturally to the both of them, challenging the boundaries of what is socially acceptable among best friends.

“What if we get caught?”  Taeyeon had asked once, after pictures of them falling asleep next to each other at an airport surfaced. That was the first time Taeyeon noticed how their body language had grown in sync – often unconsciously mirroring each other, even during sleep.

“Then we wouldn’t have to hide anymore.” Tiffany responded, saving the pictures to her computer.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Taeyeon asks, having given this a lot of thought recently. She had everything she wanted held together in a fragile balance - it was prudent to remind herself that she didn’t need most of what she has.

“As a member of Girls’ Generation.” Tiffany answers the same way she did five years ago, sounding as hopeful as before.

“We’ll always be members of Girls’ Generation.” Taeyeon states, basking in the thought. “Even if we don’t produce albums or perform – Girls’ Generation will always be part of our identity. No one can take that away from us.”

“Then I have nothing to worry about.” Tiffany concludes, releasing Taeyeon from her embrace to link arms with her instead, flashing the loveliest smile.

“It’s your turn to answer.” Tiffany points out, after a few seconds of contemplative silence.

“Married.” Taeyeon replies and feels Tiffany’s posture stiffen beside her.

“To me?” Tiffany asks and Taeyeon can’t help but roll her eyes in response.

“To you.” Taeyeon clarifies, discarding all sarcastic answers beforehand.

As if the universe was conspiring against her, the lights in the stadium go off, bathing them in darkness, giving her words much more weight than intended.

“This isn’t a proposal.” Taeyeon expresses, timidly, wanting to escape this awkward mess.

“Good.” Tiffany replies, letting out a nervous breath, seeming so relieved that Taeyeon couldn’t help but feel slightly offended. It was a blessing that her expression was cloaked in darkness.

“Because I have the best proposal plan and you’re going to ruin everything by proposing first.” Tiffany explains hastily, with no space between words - and places a kiss on the edge of Taeyeon’s lips before the impact of her proclamation hits. Taeyeon turns towards Tiffany, feels a smile against her lips, and forgets to breathe.

“I can’t believe they turned off the lights the moment I stepped on stage. This is just like my many nightmares.” Jessica’s voice reaches them from a distance. One by one, flashlights from phones get , illuminating pairs of feet shuffling forward.

“Seohyun, elbows.” Yoona hisses, sounding pained.

“Sorry, unnie.” Seohyun replies and the huddle comes to an abrupt halt, bodies running into each other, accompanied by a few groans.

“I’m so sorry!” Seohyun apologises again.

“Who put Seo-Monster in charge after Kid Leader and Ti-Manager left?” Hyoyeon asks - a light is brought up to Seohyun’s face and the younger girl pouts with squinted eyes, her innocent charm diffusing the insult.    

“Why is ‘Seo-Monster’ a catchphrase now?” Seohyun asks, exasperated, and a series of giggles erupts, a pair of arms hugging the girl and a few ruffling her hair.

“It’s because your scheduling is insane.” Hyoyeon replies, her tone somewhere between impressed and annoyed.

“Insanely good.” Yuri claps enthusiastically and Taeyeon expresses her agreement with fervent nodding, her approval and gratitude hidden from sight. Seohyun had volunteered to manage the groups’ schedules after the release of Taeyeon’s second album, after noticing that the demands of the leader’s solo promotional activities were taking a toll on her health. Seohyun’s ability to organise and coordinate – to reconcile conflicts in schedules based on varying priorities – surpassed even the highest of expectations.

“Excuse me.” Sooyoung utters and authoritative footsteps are heard striding forward. The flashlights shift their focus towards Sooyoung’s back, giving her the appearance of an angel from where Tiffany and Taeyeon is seated, causing them both to sneer ironically.

“Oppa, please turn on the lights!” Sooyoung screams and her voice travels forcefully across the stadium.

Just as Sooyoung’s voice fades into the distance, a loud clank is heard and the stadium is brilliantly lit up, temporary blinding the girls. They shield their eyes with their hands, occasionally peeking at one another through gaps in their fingers, tittering.

“More low-key please.” Yuri shouts and a softer clank reverberates across the space, leaving only the lights outlining the stage.

“Thank you.” Yoona yells and the stage’s backdrop lights up - the pink logo of Girls’ Generation appearing majestically, causing a few members squeal in response.

“I think you’re his bias.” Sunny nudges Yoona in a jovial manner.

“I love you Tokyo Dome!” Jessica throws her hands in the air while twirling around, and Yuri tackles her with a hug, resulting in both of them falling to the ground, a cue for another laughing fit.

“There they are!” Sunny exclaims and points towards Taeyeon’s and Tiffany’s direction, as if noticing their presence for the first time. She skips towards them and almost slides into a seating position.

“They sneaked off to the middle of the stage. That’s subtle.” Hyoyeon expresses as she joins the three of them in a newly half-formed circle.

“Why aren’t you all back at the dorm?” Taeyeon asks, certain that they had left when rehearsals ended an hour ago.

“To interrupt all your couple moments.”  Sooyoung takes a seat next to Tiffany, and continues loudly sipping on her juice box. Yoona kneels next to Sooyoung and the beverage changes hands. 

“We felt bad letting Tiffany unnie sort out our costumes alone.” Seohyun explains, sitting next to Sunny, head facing the ground, sincerely apologetic.

“So all of you decided to come back after she had finished?” Taeyeon asks, with two fingers cupping her chin, amused.

“She was much more efficient than we expected.” Yoona responds guiltily, partly because the girls had underestimated Tiffany once again, who crosses her arms with an eyebrow raised, faking annoyance.

“Don’t pretend you helped, Kim Taeyeon.” Sooyoung states with a knowing smirk.

“Speaking of, come work for me again.” Jessica says as she and Yuri complete the circle.

“Maybe in a few months. Technically, you’re not working for you right now.” Tiffany replies, changing the direction of the topic. Tiffany struggled with her mounting responsibilities for a few months before finally deciding to quit her editorial duties at BLANC & ECLARE, taking the role of visual director for Girls’ Generation instead. Tiffany often likens her resignation to the worst breakup in her life.

“I can’t believe you’re letting your boyfriend run your company.” Hyoyeon shakes her head in feigned disapproval.

“It’s only temporary - until the tour is over.” Jessica insists, even though she appears to be enjoying her hiatus much more than she should.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” she adds, as an afterthought – her assertion promptly dismissed by the rest of the girls.

“Save that for the media.” Yoona suggests, grinning widely.

“Why were you both here anyway? Extra practice?”  Sunny asks, winking in their direction. Tiffany turns to Taeyeon, her head tilted to her side, curiosity suddenly taking hold.

“I was saying goodbye to the stage.” Taeyeon answers, reluctantly, looking at the ground to avoid the members’ disapproving gazes.

“That is depressing.” Hyoyeon utters, the light atmosphere taking a dive towards the deep end.

“I think it’s important to say goodbye before the actual goodbye.” Taeyeon explains, in attempts to remedy the mood. Taeyeon finds it harder to express sentiments in words lately – though she is regularly surprised to discover that she rarely needs to.

“We don’t even know when the actual goodbye is.” Sunny says, her chirpy voice alone succeeds in lifting the ambiance. She flicks Taeyeon on the forehead – snap out of it - her eyes seem to say, emanating positivity from just a glance.

“That’s the point.” Tiffany breathes, backing Taeyeon’s considerations, all the while combing her fingers through Taeyeon’s hair.

“We probably wouldn’t know when the actual goodbye will be, especially when we refuse to continue group activities as anything less than 9.” Jessica continues to explain, voice laced with warm traces of gratitude.

“As long as it’s not tomorrow.” Yuri emphasises, bringing them all back to the present.

“Definitely not.” Taeyeon agrees, her confidence returning. She offers her hands to the two people next to her and soon all of the members are holding hands, smiles gracing their features, sheer adoration radiating from their very presence.

Seohyun starts humming their debut song and the members join in one by one, harmonies blending in a familiar but original fashion, voice echoing through the empty stadium, forming ripples in their hearts. 

Tomorrow, the arena will belong to their fans – but tonight, the stage is just for them.

***

I hope you liked it!

I started writing stories here to help me make sense of real life - so this can be a metaphor for closing the darkest chapters of my life. 

Thank you for reading - 

and goodbye. 

ps: I remember writing the background score for these scenes, which was basically a stripped down medley of their songs - and then it hit me that I wasn't writing Girls' Generation - the Musical. Damn, I had more fun writing that! :P