Chapter 26

“Please don’t fight.”

Sunny stands between Taeyeon and Tiffany, her arms outstretched, defining a physical barricade between the two.

“Why are you telling me?” Tiffany asks, her voice raised to the height of her passion, something she feels she has no control over.

“I’m not.” Sunny replies, lowering her own volume in response.

“You’re facing me.” Tiffany states, holding Sunny’s gaze with an unwarranted intensity. She can’t help but be trivial. Tiffany is seated at the furthest corner of the table, hence it makes sense that the rest of the girls have turned their chairs to face her, but she feels it. She can’t identify what it is – it feels like an imaginary bubble rising up from her stomach, taunting her, threatening to burst as it travels upwards, crushing her insides into mush.

“Fine.” Sunny surrenders and turns around.

“Please don’t fight.” she says to Taeyeon, sounding almost mechanical, as if she’s repeated this phrase too many times in her lifetime.

Taeyeon sinks against her seat and stares at her hands, like a child reprimanded, indicating that she has no intention of responding.  The girls seated behind Taeyeon have their eyes glued to the back of Taeyeon’s head, waiting for a reply that will never come.

Seconds drag to minutes and Jessica becomes the first to make a move. She leaves her seat abruptly and marches towards Tiffany, so assertively that Tiffany instinctively stands, but Sunny manages to take a quick side step just before they’re face to face, once again drawing a line.

“Please don’t fight.” Sunny repeats, voice completely drained, a side the girls rarely witnessed.

“Jessica, if you would kindly take two steps backwards and…” Yuri stops midsentence, sensing the futility of her effort - the stubborn atmosphere was unwilling to budge.

“You have to make a choice.” Jessica finally demands.  

“We’re on the same side, Jessica.” Tiffany replies, despite being unsure of the question. Her eyes find Taeyeon, who smiles, weakly, but it’s enough to disarm Tiffany.

“Girls’ Generation or BLANC?” Jessica breaks the silence, seizing the attention of the room. As if in sync, the remaining girls find themselves on their feet, each calling out Jessica’s name.

“Jessica, what are you doing?” Taeyeon asks, almost rhetorically, tugging at Jessica’s sleeve - but Jessica’s eyes’ never leave Tiffany’s, both engaging in some silent battle of will.

“Why are you so afraid of admitting what you want?” Jessica presses on forcefully, ignoring the hardening tension in the room.

What are you doing?  Tiffany’s eyes try to convey her confusion that is rapidly morphing into frustration. Jessica’s gaze held no answers, and Tiffany starts to wonder if they are on the same side after all.

“I get it, Steph.” Jessica says, gently, her voice melting from the initial iciness. “You held onto Girls’ Generation the longest, watched as each of us moved on seemingly unscathed - and now you want to be the first to let go.”

It was then that the current of emotions that flooded Tiffany senses converged into a single one – anger.

“BLANC.” Tiffany manages to utter, voice devoid of emotion, the word seemingly dragged from deep within. Shock cascades across the room, and Tiffany watches as the emotion struck each of the members, including Jessica. Sunny turns her head slowly towards Tiffany - as if afraid to see the honesty in Tiffany’s eyes, shakes her head right before their eyes meet. Sooyoung slumps against her seat, her defeated gaze directed towards the ceiling while Yoona links arms with Seohyun, who appeared increasingly confused.

“She doesn’t mean that.” Yuri tells Hyoyeon, in a higher tone than usual, voice shaking.

Tiffany bites her lip, refusing to continue saying things she wasn’t sure she meant. She feels fingers intertwine with hers and tightens her grip immediately for support. She glances at the members once more before bolting out the room that was filled with suffocating expectations, somewhat surprised that the hand in hers offered no resistance, but was pulling her along too, heading in the same direction.

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“You didn’t mean that.” Taeyeon concludes, her thoughts lingering on this morning’s incident.

“Shhhh…” Tiffany places a finger to Taeyeon’s lips without looking, barely touching the edge. “I really like this singer.” Tiffany whispers, leans her head against Taeyeon’s shoulder, and stares attentively at the TV screen. Her thoughts are equally scattered, but she is confident that the dust will settle in time and her feelings will re-emerge with clarity, as they often do.

“You have bad taste.” Taeyeon jokes, covering her own eyes, still feeling awkward seeing herself on a screen.

“I have the best taste.” Tiffany murmurs to herself and descends into a more comfortable position, with her head resting on Taeyeon’s thigh, feeling her heart swell with pride, then melt with adoration as Taeyeon reaches a difficult note during an award show filmed a week ago. Tiffany hates that she missed it live.

The song ends and Tiffany turns her head to face the ceiling, failing to stifle her giggles when she noticed that Taeyeon still had her hand over her eyes. Tiffany places her hand gently on top of Taeyeon’s, forming an additional barrier, and sighs deeply.

“Jessica started it.” Tiffany breathes, but her thoughts, said aloud, did little to lessen the guilt she felt.

“Don’t be sorry.” Taeyeon replies, as if having read Tiffany’ thoughts. “Even if you choose BLANC & ECLARE over Girls’ Generation, you shouldn’t feel guilty.” Taeyeon pauses for a few seconds, allowing her words to reach Tiffany.

“At all.” she stresses, gesturing with her free hand. “After giving it a lot of thought, I think that was primarily what Jessica was trying to convey this morning. Not just to you, but to all of us. We’ve all been dancing around the pink elephant in the room – but ultimately, we might have to make a choice and it’s better if we are certain about our priorities – just so we know how far we can take things.”

“Girls’ Generation or me?” Tiffany asks, her sudden curiosity overcoming her fear of rejection.

“You.” Taeyeon responds, without a moment of hesitation. “To be honest, I was kind of hoping you’d pick Girls’ Generation -- so I wouldn’t have to.” Taeyeon chuckles in an attempt to hide her disappointment, but it is painfully evident.

“I didn’t choose BLANC.” Tiffany admits, feeling lighter from her confession. “Words get jumbled up in my head and they never come out in the right order.” she struggles to explain, uncertain if she is making any sense.

“What I wanted to say all along was --” she pauses, assembling the courage to continue. But she looks up to Taeyeon and feels safe. Taeyeon accepts her completely, flaws and all - and that is the best thing one can ever do for another human being.

“-- Jessica started it. She chose BLANC first.” Tiffany explains, feeling the ridiculous prickling of overdue tears. “People often forget that she was going to leave Girls’ Generation before the rest of us. I was being petty, but when she said I was the last to let go of Girls’ Generation – all I could think about was how she was the first.”

Taeyeon grabs hold of Tiffany’s hand to remove them from her eyes, blinks multiple times to adjust to the lighting, and then allows her gaze to settle on Tiffany.

“It’s really okay.” Taeyeon assures her. “We’re allowed to feel what we feel and think what we think. It’s not petty - it’s human.” she adds, with eyes that shone with so much kindness, it neutralised every tense nerve in Tiffany’s body.

“I love you.” Tiffany mouths, with a complete disregard of timing.

“Even though I was the second person to let go of Girls’ Generation?” Taeyeon grins widely, with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

“You’re all overcompensating now. I find that very endearing.” Tiffany murmurs, moments before falling asleep.

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What Tiffany came to realise, eventually, after spending years as a member of Korea’s number one girl group - is that most of the members’ cognitive failings or declines in patience can often be attributed to sleep deprivation. Hence, the members rarely took things personally whenever any of them uncharacteristically lashed out - a blessing Tiffany never took for granted.

“Can I skip group therapy? I’m the only sane one here.” Hyoyeon complains, banging her head against the table.

“Stop being a baby, Hyo.” Jessica says before a pink envelope and sealing it. “I wrote you the most touching letter, I would be very upset if I didn’t receive one with similar sentiments.” she utters as she slides the letter across the table to Tiffany, who gently kisses the envelope before adding it to her pile.

“This is fun.” Sunny claims as she folds paper hearts to accompany each of her letters.

“This is the worst.” Taeyeon exclaims, crumbling up her fourth draft.

“That’s because you’re writing to Tiffany.” Sooyoung teases and receives a ball of crushed paper to the head.

“I read that this is very helpful in improving group dynamics, especially after a conflict.” Seohyun explains, not lifting her eyes from her book. She was the only person sitting cross-legged on the couch, no longer needing the coffee table after being first to complete her task.

“I don’t think I really understood the ‘conflict’.” Yuri mumbles, with a pen in . Both she and Sooyoung were lying horizontally on the floor with their heads rested on their hands, spending most of their time doodling on their coloured papers, taking the aesthetic side of the task more seriously than the rest.  

“Tiffany chose BLANC.” Hyoyeon reminds them, sending a cheeky wink towards Tiffany.

“No, she didn’t.” Yuri asserts, holding up her phone. “Jessica texted saying that Tiffany didn’t mean it.”

“Jessica doesn’t speak for Tiffany.” Taeyeon says, oddly defensive, as the pen that she was spinning slips through her fingers.

“It’s completely fine if she meant it though.” Yoona adds, shrugging. She draws a heart on Tiffany’s arm with a red marker, earning an appreciative nod from Tiffany.

“But she didn’t.” Sunny clarifies, with a finger up in the air.

“I’m right here.” Tiffany says, feeling increasingly amused.

“You tell them, Tiffany.” Yuri orders, sounding smug.

“Need I remind you that your boss is literally sitting right across you?” Hyoyeon whispers loudly and mockingly, elbowing Jessica, who looks as though she had missed most of the conversation. 

“I have nothing to worry about.” Jessica reassures them, unfazed. “Girls’ Generation or BLANC & ECLARE. However Tiffany chooses, it’s a win-win for me.”

“Then why make her choose?” Taeyeon asks, with widened eyes, looking a bit too enthusiastic, and Jessica shoots her a bored look that seemed to scream “You know why”, accompanied by an eye roll. She clears dramatically and rests her hand on top of one another, shifting to adjust her posture.

“Because--” she drags out the word. “Somewhere along the line, all of us will have to choose the thing that is most important to us at that point in time - be it health, relationships, or new experiences - and we shouldn’t feel guilty to admit that our priorities have changed, because they will…”

“But we can’t ever hold it against one another when that happens.” Tiffany interrupts Jessica with a passage she had most recently written, tracing the line with the tip of her pink pen. “Because our friendship still matters – above all. And that is the only thing that we will be able to take with us till the very end. We didn’t choose each other, like how we didn’t choose our family, but given the chance I would choose all 8 of you every time.”

The words felt foreign as it left her lips, but when Tiffany glanced up and met the adoring gazes of her friends, she understood why - those words didn’t just belong to her, they were shared by all of them.

“I can’t believe this actually worked.” Seohyun ends the silence, finally putting down her book, causing an uproar of laughter in the dorm - the most familiar setting. 

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