Chapter 18

(Present)

“You’re going to lose.”

“It’s not a game to me.”

“That’s exactly why you’re going to lose.”

Tyler Kwon offers Taeyeon the drink he had accidentally ordered for her, testing her resolve. She politely declines and takes a sip of her iced lemon tea instead, as if the temptation never existed.

“I can’t believe you gave up the only thing we had in common.” He scoffs, shooting her a repulsed look. “You used to be much more fun. I liked you better then.” It was a lie - Tyler liked how much Taeyeon has matured and he often indulged himself in the notion that he had played a part. Though he did miss being friends with the petite girl. The girl currently sitting next to him was like an old friend who outgrew him, someone who will eventually leave when he had nothing left to offer.

“I liked you better when I was drunk too.” She jokes, but it hurts just the same. Tyler had bumped into Taeyeon at James’s bar a while ago, the last place he was expecting to see someone who’s avoiding alcohol like the plague. She clearly did not come for drinks, but Tyler gave up trying to figure out her intentions, like he often does.  

“You know they cancelled that rehearsal out of spite right? It’s just to show you who’s boss. Don’t let it faze you.” He tells himself never to encourage her, but he forgets when he sees how affected she is by these little things.  The nickname “kid leader” has proven to be extremely apt. “You are so stupidly sentimental. I taught you how to be indispensable as a solo artist. You made all the right moves and what do you do with all that power?” He takes the final swig of his drink and slams down the empty glass harder than he intended. “You piss the board off by bringing back Girls’ Generation at the height of all your members’ solo activities.”

Taeyeon flinches at his harsh tone and he regrets not sugar-coating his words. Sometimes, he feels a sudden urge to hug the girl, but they were never that kind of friends. He was worried about Taeyeon and he had no way of expressing it.

“How are you?” He attempts feebly, feeling slightly foolish. Unlike Taeyeon, Tyler Kwon was definitely not a sentimental person.

Taeyeon recognises his efforts (maybe they were better friends than he thought) and grins cheekily at him. “I am floating above all the drama. If I lean into any to it, it’ll pull me under and I’ll drown.”

“You’re so goddamn poetic sometimes. Ever thought of writing your own songs?” He chuckles, flashing his signature half-smile. “At least you have Tiffany back. You hardly talk about her, but you call her name when you’re completely wasted. God you were such a mess! It must be much easier now having your best friend around.” Tyler felt a tinge of jealousy – he never had a best friend. He can’t imagine having the same someone to rely on for more than a decade of your life. It probably changes a person in subtle but significant ways, slowly but surely.

“But she isn’t my best friend anymore.” Taeyeon’s voice shakes, as if she’s admitting something for the first time. “…and it’s not easy having her around.”

“Wait, it is!” Taeyeon contradicts herself before Tyler could respond. “It is when she acts like my best friend. When she doesn’t, I’m mostly scared to death and I… I try really hard not to think about it.” She rests her head on the bar counter and exhales deeply. “I can’t lose Tiffany. I know I’ve survived the past two years without her but now that she’s back I feel like I’ve lived the past two years wrong. If she ever leaves again, I’ll feel like I’m living my life wrong.”

Tyler’s hand hovers above Taeyeon’s head for a few moments before he allows himself to her hair, feeling incredibly awkward. “You worry too much,” he says softly. “Friendships are resilient. They can survive in many ways that love can’t. So just hold on to your friendship.”

Taeyeon starts sobbing and Tyler clenches his fist mid-air, unsure of what to do. He is afraid that if he touches her, she might break.

He had never seen Taeyeon cry.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone looks forward to the pink coloured columns in their schedule, which meant that all 9 members would be present. It was rare, but momentous. Whenever they were reunited as 9, the sheer adoration they had towards each other would be palpable in the air - in the slight spring in their steps, smiles directed to no one in particular, affectionate stolen glances, and excessive skinship.

Hence, Tiffany was properly cross when their rehearsal got cancelled at the very last minute.

“I’ll fix this,” Taeyeon had said before she ran off hastily, leaving the 8 of them outside the dance studio that was double booked. After Taeyeon left, their manager showed up, apologized, and told them to take the day off.  It would have been a blessing in disguise – the rest of them had decided to hang out at the dorm together - but Taeyeon never returned.

“What is that girl doing? I hope she hasn’t committed murder or something.” Hyoyeon comments as Taeyeon’s phone goes to voicemail again.

“Taengoo is too cool for murder.” Sunny says as she wraps her arms around Tiffany, accidentally tickling the other girl. “Too cool,” she emphasizes while shaking her head, as if it was a terrible trait to possess.

“Should we be worried?” Tiffany finally asks, after driving herself crazy for the past four hours. She had been checking her phone every few seconds, unable to fully enjoy the company of the others. She would send out a search party, but Seohyun reasoned that whenever Taeyeon disappeared like that, she often did not wish to be found.

“We’re always worried. We have just learnt to live with it, like parents.” Yuri rests her chin on Tiffany’s head from behind the couch and pokes Tiffany’s cheeks with her thumbs. “Besides, we’re less worried now that you’re back.”

“Well, Sunny isn’t. She felt the need to move back in.” Sooyoung, who is lying on the floor with her feet resting against the coffee table, chips in. Tiffany’s breath hitches as she feels the panic settling in again.

“Our Taengoo is going through a lot okay! I wouldn’t feel the need to stalk her if she just talked to me about it but no, I have to learn about all the crap the company is putting her through from my uncle.” Sunny releases Tiffany from her embrace and crosses her arms exasperatedly.

“What are you talking about?” Tiffany sits up just as rigidly, causing Yuri’s head to fall forward from losing its support. The rest of the girls are listening attentively, their postures and intensity of their gazes reflecting their newfound concern. If this is news to all of them, Tiffany wonders who Taeyeon confides in.

“The board still feels the same way about Girls’ Generation as they did two years ago. They still think it’s a distraction, even more so now when our solo activities are thriving. Taeyeon just wouldn’t let Girls’ Generation go and since she’s one of the most successful solo artists they’ve ever had, they can’t refuse her. They’re still trying to pull the plug on our album. They want her to give up.”

Sunny slumps against the couch, letting a thick cloud of worry circle the room.

Just then, the door opens and Taeyeon walks in, waving her phone. “I’m sorry. I just saw your miss calls and messages.” She glances across the room and her eyes light up after realising that all 8 of them were there.

Before Taeyeon could sense the tension in the atmosphere, the members rush towards her and envelop her in a crushing group hug.

__________________________________________________________________________________

“Would it be easier for you if I switch rooms with Sunny?” Tiffany suggests as she lies next to Taeyeon on her single bed. She had been thinking about it ever since the girls left and no matter how hard she tried to shake the feeling, it always came back to her in waves of increasing intensity. Taeyeon needed a friend, and Tiffany was not acting like one.

Taeyeon takes the pillow that was leaning against the headboard and covers her own face with it, avoiding the question. Tiffany wishes she could do the same.

“No.” Taeyeon talks into the pillow, her voice muffled. “Why do you want to leave me? It’s never easier, it’s never better, and it’s my worst nightmare.” She raises her voice, but it’s still barely audible as she pushes the pillow further down against her face.  

Tiffany links their arms together, pulling Taeyeon’s hand away to stop her from smothering herself. Tiffany is feeling an array of emotions, unable to decide which one to latch on to. She feels closer to Taeyeon now - when the other girl is vulnerable, rather than aloof. Taeyeon was Tiffany’s anchor and Tiffany felt lost whenever Taeyeon drifted lightly on air. “I’ll never want to leave you,” she replies. That was something she knew for sure.

“Would it be easier for you if you switch rooms with Sunny?” Taeyeon directs the question back to Tiffany, who had not thought about it at that point.

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t unless you ask me to. If I make you uncomfortable...”

“You can’t think like that.”

“Like what?”

“You know how there are colours you can’t stand? Olive green, indigo, orange, bronze, most shades of brown… Your face scrunches up in disgust when you see them. It’s adorable.”

Tiffany couldn’t help but smile. She wouldn’t have been able to list out her own least favourite colours the way Taeyeon just did.

“… So imagine being trapped in a room with objects of only those colours - olive green walls and tacky orange furniture for example – Even if it hurts your eyes, repulses you to the core, and drives you completely crazy, you would never ever wish you were colour blind. That thought would have never crossed your mind.”

“Are you saying that I am all your hated colours rolled up in one?” Tiffany chuckles, feigning ignorance. She sees where Taeyeon is heading, but it would be so easy to take it the wrong way.

Taeyeon exhales forcefully through her nose and holds her breath, reluctant to elaborate. “I am saying that you are colour in a grayscale world.” Taeyeon bites her lip, unsure of the weight of her words.

Tiffany flips herself over and props her head using her elbows, locking her eyes with Taeyeon’s. “That sounds an awful lot like a love confession.”  Tiffany searches Taeyeon’s eyes for answers and it seems like Taeyeon is doing the same.

Taeyeon is the first to break eye contact, tilting her head backwards and covering her eyes with both her palms, as if Tiffany’s burning gaze had somehow damaged her eyes. “You have to understand. I didn’t think you would come back. I had to reassemble pieces of my broken heart to cover the gaping hole you left. Now that you’re here, I am breaking myself apart again and reassembling the scattered pieces of my heart around you, and I have no idea how they fit. Does that make sense?”

Tiffany’s elbows start feeling weak. They shake under the gravity of her thoughts so Tiffany rests her head on Taeyeon’s abdomen instead. “It does on some level,” she sighs. “I’m going to admit something for the first time and it’s going to sound really stupid. So please don’t laugh, because it will actually hurt like hell if you do.”

Taeyeon nods slowly, her eyes still covered.

“I always thought that you would show up in LA and bring me home. I didn’t actually fill the hole you left, it just got bigger and bigger with each passing day. Perhaps that is why I knew exactly where you’d fit.”

Taeyeon removes her hands from her eyes, uncertain of where she should put it. “I’m sorry,” she says, with her hands still in the air. Tiffany has her pinned in an uncomfortable position, both figuratively and literally, and Taeyeon does not know how to cope.

Taeyeon sits up suddenly and Tiffany is forced to do the same.

“I’m sorry. I really am. For everything. I am so, so sorry.” Taeyeon says as she pulls Tiffany into a hug, holding the other girl tightly, as if all their broken parts would be able to merge back together by sheer force.

“I love you, Tiffany.” Taeyeon murmurs and for the first time since she’s been back, Tiffany stops questioning which kind of love Taeyeon means. It feels like the right kind – the kind of love one can consume, the kind Tiffany could live off for the rest of her life.

Tiffany breaks away from the hug, suddenly feeling a shortness of breath.  

“Are you okay?” Taeyeon asks, confusion and concern glazing her eyes.

“I love you too.” Tiffany breathes, the vines around her heart tightening.

“Okay...” Taeyeon drags the word out like a question.

“Sometimes it’s not.” Tiffany manages to blurt out before scuttling out of the room, feeling the air get thinner with each step she takes away from Taeyeon.