I’ve been holding on to these chapter excerpts for quite a while (ones set in the past), but I decided to just put all cards on the table because I really want to end this story. Also, before everyone starts hating Tiffany, I'm just gonna casually knock Taeyeon off her pedestal… or not. Might go either way depending on the reader.

Thank you <3

Chapter 16

6 November 2014

(2 days before Tiffany left)

“You have completely lost your mind.”

Tiffany is the loudest person she knows, but when Tiffany whispers this faintly – it ricochets off the walls and the force of Tiffany’s words multiplies as seconds pass, hitting her again and again. 

Taeyeon keeps her gaze cemented to the ground. She focuses on her breathing, just to make sure that her lungs are working. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. In.  She can’t look at Tiffany, or any of them.

After a month, she had finally found the courage to convey her thoughts to the members - that all the best things have turned bittersweet; all the milestones they had achieved had been shadowed with guilt; all that they are have been tainted by Jessica’s absence.

Taeyeon wanted to be rid of the blood on her hands.

“What about our fans?”

Taeyeon did not have an answer to Seohyun’s question. She had thought about the fans the whole time, but came up with no justifications. The fans would be heartbroken, without a doubt, and their grief would soon be expressed as anger. Maybe I’m selfish, Taeyeon thought, but her confidence in her decision did not waver.

“There are still 8 of us.” Sooyoung’s voice breaks at the end of her short sentence and Taeyeon watches as drops of her own tears land next to her feet, like the beginning of a drizzle.

She swallows her fear and delivers the final blow that will seal her argument. “That’s the thing – I would do the same for every single one of you. Not one of us deserves to get left behind. If this is the first and last decision I make as a leader, so be it.” Her voice is steady, resolute - final.

A thick fog of silence enveloped the room, trapping all their thoughts. Taeyeon worries that her knees might buckle under the weight of all that is unspoken.

“So this is it, huh?” Hyoyeon asks rhetorically, just to confirm that all of this, was in fact happening. 

She nods and watches as more tears pool next to her feet. Taeyeon feels a hand on her shoulder and she is initially unsure of its intentions, until it pulls her into a hug. Surprised by the kind gesture, she starts sobbing into Yuri’s chest, her cries being the only sound that filled the room.

Girls’ Generation did not end with a bang, but a whimper.

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Present

“You have completely lost your mind.”

“I agree. Are you going to yell at me now?”

“The moment’s over,” Jessica replies coolly as she twirls her hair.

Tiffany had watched as Jessica’s jaw drop, watched as Jessica clenched her fists, watched as Jessica repeatedly slammed her fists against the table (then her head), watched as Jessica covered to prevent herself from screaming, and watched as Jessica strangled the air as Tiffany told her everything.

Tiffany was worried about Taeyeon (about what she was doing to Taeyeon).  Taeyeon would give her everything and Tiffany would take it without hesitation, partly out of habit. She wondered if that made her a bad person, especially now when she wanted all of Taeyeon.

Telling Jessica was an obvious choice. She felt like the other 6 have grown overly protective of Taeyeon, like friends taking sides in a breakup that did not exist. Then Tiffany recalls how she had left them too.

“So… what do you think?” Her heartbeat quickens as she waits for Jessica’s verdict.

“It’s hot.” Jessica winks at her teasingly, without a trace of her previous exasperation. She then stares at a point in space, zoning out in a way that is purely… Jessica. After a few minutes, she lets out a resigned sigh and rests her chin on her palm, weary from her thoughts. “You should have told me earlier. I would have made you two keep your distances, instead of doing the opposite. We all thought that you left because of that big fight you and Taeyeon had. Now I have to disassemble the story in my head and rearrange it with this missing piece of the puzzle. Anyway, Taeyeon has spent the past two years rebuilding a life that didn’t include you…”

“…and you’re worried that I’ll loosen the screws that all of you have carefully placed?” Tiffany interrupted, before Jessica’s words could pierce her heart.

Jessica is taken aback, her back is straightened and her eyes, narrow. “Stephanie Hwang Miyoung, I am not worried that you’ll break Taeyeon, I’m afraid that you’ll break yourself. When Taeyeon was desperately rebuilding her life, you were busy running away from yours.” She sighs, pushing a hand through her hair. “Your relationship with Taeyeon has always been special. But now, Taeyeon can no longer treat you the way she’s used to without you taking it to heart.”

Jessica takes a deep breath before speaking again, this time barely above a whisper.

“You’re going to freefall, Steph, and I’m so scared for you.”

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7 November 2014

(The night before Tiffany left)

The dorm is scarily silent, her heels making a clicking sound that echoes with each step. She doesn’t bother turning on the lights. At least in the dark, she can pretend that she isn’t utterly alone.

She removes her shoes, tired from standing her ground after the board of directors tried to grill her into submission. They were not happy, to put it lightly. They had a timeline, a plan, and Taeyeon had brought it forward by a few months. Girls Generation wasn’t supposed to end this early. The girls had taken a hit, and Taeyeon had turned a bullet into a bomb.

It was over now.

Taeyeon felt like a soldier returning from war, broken from the outside in.

The door to her room was open, the faint light from the streetlamp outside seeping dimly through the window. There is another presence, the blurry outline of her figure exposed by the weak lighting.

Tiffany is sitting on her bed, completely still, with her back against Taeyeon. She pats the space next to hers and Taeyeon complies. They had been arguing over the past two days about the fate of Girls’ Generation. The other members kept quiet most of the time, conflicted and torn between how much sense both of them were making. They were both right in a lose-lose situation.

Tiffany turns and cups Taeyeon’s face with both her hands, making sure that Taeyeon eyes met hers. Her expression is no longer hostile like Taeyeon remembered. Instead, her gaze is kind and loving. Taeyeon realised that the more she hurts Tiffany, the kinder Tiffany’s eyes became. Perhaps Taeyeon was like sandpaper to Tiffany’s soul. 

“I’m going to forget about everything for a moment and just be here for you, okay?” Tiffany murmurs as she envelops Taeyeon in a hug.

They sit in silence for minutes, holding each other tightly. “I love you,” Taeyeon whispers into Tiffany’s ear like a secret. “You’re the only thing in my life that make sense.” And she meant it with every fibre of her being.

Tiffany stirs, and Taeyeon loosens her hold slightly. She feels a light kiss at the nape of her neck, then her jawline, and before these actions could register coherently in Taeyeon’s head, Tiffany’s lips crashes forcefully onto hers, the air out of her lungs. Taeyeon places her hands on Tiffany’s shoulder, wanting to shove the other girl away, but loses her strength halfway.

To hell with it, Taeyeon decides and kisses Tiffany back hungrily, feeling Tiffany smile against her lips. She prods Tiffany’s mouth open with her tongue, tasting a slight hint of alcohol. Blood rushes to Taeyeon’s head and her eyes dilate in alarm. She finally finds the strength to push Tiffany backwards.

Tiffany’s eyes open dreamily, a smile still plastered on her face. She tilts her head to the side and brushes a strand of hair behind Taeyeon’s ear. “You look like you’ve just killed a puppy,” she giggles and it rings in Taeyeon’s ear. “It’s cute. Not the dead puppy. You’re cute. You.” Tiffany flicks Taeyeon’s nose and places a light peck where it stung. “Am I allowed to fall in love with you? Because I think I already have.” She leans her forehead against Taeyeon’s, close enough to feel her breath.

“You fall in love with everyone and everything.” Taeyeon chuckles, trying not to let Tiffany’s words reach her. Being best friends with Tiffany, this was a particular skill she had developed. Tiffany could make anyone feel like they were the centre of the universe. The trick wasn’t to stop oneself from feeling it (because why deny one of the best feelings in the world)…

…the trick was to never believe it.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”  

“It’s not. You’ve just given away too many pieces of your heart.” . 

“I don’t understand.”

Taeyeon takes a deep breath, and once again uses her hands to create a safe distance between her and Tiffany.

“My love’s too big for you, Miyoung.”

It would just be a burden.

“I still don’t understand.” Tiffany looks more confused than ever, blinking back tears this time. “I packed my bags today, fully intent on leaving before you came home. Girls’ Generation was my life, my family. Now that it’s gone, I no longer have a sense of belonging. Even this room feels alien. But then I thought of you, and it’s the reason why I’m still here.”

Taeyeon had never seen Tiffany this lost before - the strings that were keeping her together were breaking one-by-one under the sheer weight of hopelessness. Taeyeon felt a few of her own snap. They were falling apart and falling in love. It was the most terrible thing. 

“I can’t be the only reason you’re still here.” Taeyeon retorts, almost coldly. Tiffany needed something to hold on to, and it couldn’t be her. As much as she wanted it to be, Taeyeon wasn’t enough. She knew it and soon, Tiffany would know it too.  Taeyeon was weak and a coward and everything Tiffany was not.

“I’m just asking you to be the reason I stay,” Tiffany pleads and Taeyeon feels weaker, more afraid as a couple more of her strings snap.   

“I can’t.”

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Ps: I was genuinely scared to post this chapter. Effing terrified.