Chapter 4

“How are you today?”

Sometimes, Taeyeon is convinced that she will never forgive Jessica.

“I’m fine,” she replies dismissively. “You can see that I’m fine. Can I leave now?” She asks, exasperated, still hopeful even after countless rejections.

“Do you remember why you came here in the first place?”

2012 had been a difficult year for Taeyeon. She doesn’t remember a particular stressful life event or how it was significantly different from every other year since they debuted. She just remembers that it got to her – the lack of sleep, the phoniness of the industry, the loneliness associated with being away from home, the pressure of being part of Korea’s no. 1 girl group, the burden of being the leader of said girl group etc. It was everything, and it was cumulative.

“Why are you always here nowadays? You can’t hide in here forever, you know.” Jessica’s eyes are closed, her head is resting on the arch of a tilted chair.

Taeyeon is sat on the floor at the corner of the room, arms hugging her legs. She rhythmically rocks back and forth out of restlessness. This is how she spends most of her breaks now – with Jessica.  She chooses not to reply because she knows that she doesn’t have to. Perhaps that is the reason why she’s always with Jessica lately.

“Tiffany is worried sick. She is somehow under the impression that I know what’s going on with you. I don’t, by the way. Also, she is getting insanely jealous of this. Whatever this is.”  

Jessica’s voice is velvety and she leaves a pause between each sentence, as if coaxing a response from Taeyeon. She sighs in defeat when Taeyeon fails to take the bait. Taeyeon catches Jessica opening an eye to sneak a peek.

“I’m worried too. I’m just relatively cool about it.”  

This room, unlike most rooms in the building, is isolated and quiet, which is probably why Jessica chose this room for her breaks in the first place. But being in this room with another person makes the stillness deafening.

“Taeyeon-ah, you have to give me something. Is it the company?” Jessica is sitting up now, her calm exterior has faded into a mix of annoyance and concern.

 “Is something going on back home?”

“Are you going to step down from being a leader again?” 

“Did Tiffany do something?”

“No! I just really don’t want to talk to her. Or anyone. You can tell her that, in a nice way.” Taeyeon finally snaps and Jessica seems oddly relieved.

“Okay.”

They continue this for weeks. Taeyeon answers one question, whichever she feels like, and Jessica leaves her alone.

Soon, she starts telling Jessica things she’s never told anyone, not even her brother or Tiffany, about her fears, her insecurities, and her deepest, darkest thoughts. Jessica seldom comments. The lack of a follow up question acts as a silent acknowledgment. 

It works.

It worked until one evening after practice when Taeyeon returned to the dorm to find her parents, her brother, Tiffany, and her manager waiting for her. They looked gravely solemn and it scared her. Taeyeon had never seen them like this before, not all at the same time at least. This image would haunt her for a long time, invading her thoughts at random without permission.

Her heart sank as a dozen scenarios ran through her head. But she never expected what came next.

“Jessica called us. She told us everything.”

“If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you have done the same?”

Taeyeon scoffs and rolls her eyes. She is feeling juvenile, like a teenager, but being put in this situation is making her instinctively rebellious.

“No one is forcing you to be here, you know. No one can.”

Except they can, Taeyeon thinks bitterly. She agreed to see a doctor, a psychiatrist, because it would put the people around her at ease. She reasoned that this could stop their incessant worrying; since this officially makes her someone else’s problem. She wasn’t doing this for herself, that was what she was certain of. These sessions only brought out parts of herself that she did not like. 

“I’m sorry.”  

It had become habitual for her to apologise at least a dozen times during each session. She knows she’s being difficult; she just can’t help it. For some reason, her mind drifts to the thought of Jessica and Taeyeon starts missing her terribly. She then spends the remaining time trying to convince herself that these sessions are helping her more than Jessica ever did.  

Sometimes, she brings chocolate and cupcakes for her doctor. It can’t be easy having a patient as stubborn as her.

__________________________________________________________________________________

The producers are discussing the direction of her upcoming album and Taeyeon is trying hard not to look or sound disinterested. She nods enthusiastically at each suggestion and pretends to be deep in thought most of the time. She passes every question, tosses every what do you think to another person in the meeting room and echoes the opinion of the majority.

After her meeting, her manager pulls her aside to remind her that the only opinion that matters in that room is yours and she tries to remember the last time her opinion weighed more than a third or a ninth.

Taeyeon is an hour late for dance rehearsal but the members seem too preoccupied to notice her walk in. Jessica, Sunny, and Sooyoung are absent from the practice and the other five are struggling to carry the choreography. The formation looks sloppy due to the lack of members and individual positions keep getting mixed up.

The practice comes to a sudden halt when Yuri and Tiffany bump into each other and Tiffany falls on her side. Taeyeon rushes towards Tiffany’s to help her up along with Yuri and Seohyun.

Tiffany glances to her right and chuckles when she realises who it is.

“I swear this is the first time I messed up today,” Tiffany jokes defensively as she finds her footing.

“Or it might have been me. I honestly can’t tell anymore,” Yuri says apologetically while lightly scratching her head.

Taeyeon covers her eyes with her palm for a moment and then pushes her fringe backwards. They fall forward again defiantly.

“Unnie, is something wrong?” Seohyun tilts her head sideways to catch Taeyeon’s gaze.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I couldn’t skip this meeting. You girls should have cancelled this rehearsal.”

They look at each other knowingly, as if waiting for someone to speak up.

“We tried,” Tiffany finally says and links Taeyeon’s arm with hers. “But they said that it might be like this for a while so we decided to get some practice anyway.”

For some reason, Taeyeon feels like this is all her fault and she can’t shake the feeling. The air gets thinner around her and it’s suffocating.  She squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt to stop herself from hyperventilating.

Breathe.

 “Taeyeon?”

Tiffany pulls the hem of her sleeve lightly and this breaks her out of her trance. Taeyeon watches Tiffany mouth the words are you okay and she nods gently, a few seconds too late, not easing the worry that is evident on Tiffany’s face.

She glances across the room. Yoona and Seohyun are sitting cross-legged, vibrantly chatting to each other while occasionally shooting Taeyeon concerned looks. Hyoyeon is lying flat on her back with Yuri resting on her stomach. Both of them are laughing about how Hyoyeon can’t seem to drink bottled water in her position without spilling or choking.

She smiles, genuinely this time, and wonders if they need her as much as she needs them.

Tiffany unhooks herself and trails her fingers down Taeyeon’s arm, finally settling when she reaches the fingers, pulling on them slightly as she sat down on the floor. She pats the spot next to her and Taeyeon complies.

Taeyeon gives Tiffany a thumbs up accompanied by the brightest smile her tired self could muster.

“I heard about your plans regarding the upcoming music video. It’s great!”

Tiffany scoffs mockingly, then tilts her head backwards while rolling her eyes for dramatic effect.

“This is what I mean. My best friend has to hear about my plans about the music video that mind you, she is going to be in, from someone else. You’re too busy. I hate it. “

“I’m here now.”

“Still hate it.”

“I hate it too.”

“Good. Because we used to busy together. Now we’re all busy… alone. Jessica is starting her own company for crying out loud.”

“Have you spoken to her lately?”

Tiffany shakes her head, scrunching up her face to show disapproval.

“Hate it.”

“Stop using the word hate!”

She shoves Tiffany playfully on the head and Tiffany retaliates by elbowing her arm. She winces, surprised by how forceful the hit was.

“I’ll keep using it until all nine of us are in the same room again.”