22 January 2014

“He woke up.”

As ironic as it was, Ryeowook suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion that threatened to knock him out right then and there. He knew that the news was all he had wanted for days, but to finally receive it was almost unbelievable.

“Hey? You there?”

Ryeowook fumbled to respond. “Y-Yeah! Sorry, Eunhyuk. I just…can’t believe it.” 7 days…7 days without your voice, your laugh, your smile. Your everything.

“I was at the hospital early this morning just to check on him since he’s been out of the ICU for a couple days now, and suddenly he was opening his eyes,” Eunhyuk explained, “I honestly…I thought I was dreaming too.”

“When will he be free to move around?” Ryeowook walked faster, wanting to spread the news to anyone that would listen as soon as possible. The first would be Kibum if the guy was in their room.

The silence that met him was nearly deafening.

Ryeowook slowed his steps, the icy bite of winter seeping through his jacket. “Eunhyuk?”

“Actually,” he began, voice slightly strangled, “the doctors don’t think he’ll be leaving for a while. A few months at least. But there’s another problem. Uhm, I just didn’t know if it was my place to tell you. Don’t you think you should just come see him yourself? Ryeowook, you haven’t come by at all since that first morning, right?”

“What are you avoiding telling me?”

Eunhyuk shut his mouth almost audibly through the phone. Ryeowook waited patiently, no longer cursing the cold around him, but rather praising it for cooling his boiling blood.

“He…can’t speak.” The admission was soft, barely a whisper.

Ryeowook didn’t understand. What did that mean? He asked as much.

“I mean just that. The doctors said it must have to do with the shock from the accident and possibly from damage to his vocal cords, but he’s not able to talk,” Eunhyuk stated quickly, growing more anxious with each word but unable to stop now. “They aren’t sure if it’ll come back now or, well, later. He also seems to be having some trouble with remembering things. They say it’s just temporary amnesia though. Hey? Ryeowook? …Ryeowook?”

The world blurred. At first, Ryeowook thought maybe the snow had kicked up and a flurry had blinded him, but soon enough, warm tears were slicing streaks down his cheeks. A gasp broke from between his lips, and he quickly stifled it. Suddenly walking faster, Ryeowook made a rush for his dormitory, needing something—anything stable.

“Hey, hey, it’s not your fault,” Eunhyuk urged as firmly as he could. “It’s not, Ryeowook. Not one bit. He’s alive. He’ll get better. Don’t let yourself—”

“—he wants to be a singer. A performer. And he would be the best at it,” Ryeowook cut him off harshly. “And now what? Now it’s like this? I’m the petty one. I picked a pointless fight. I spat disgusting words at him for the last time and I’m the one who gets my dream?” He barked out a laugh. “He’s the one who got me the chance to fulfill my goals. And how do I repay him?”

“Ryeowook…,” Eunhyuk’s voice was soft, more pitying than caring.

“I know others might not understand, but for me, Kyuhyun was the start of it all. He…He’s irreplaceable. And I can’t even do anything for him now.” Ryeowook found his way up to his dorm room, slamming the door shut behind him and barely taking notice of Kibum’s absence.

Eunhyuk was silent.

“I…sorry. I shouldn’t have unloaded all of that on you,” he sighed, “I’ll talk you later. Please watch over Kyuhyun.”

There was a long pause—long enough that Ryeowook worried Eunhyuk had already hung up, but then a quiet voice finally spoke. “Ah. Got it.”

Barely a moment had passed before Hyungsik’s familiar icon popped up on the screen of Ryeowook’s phone. Any news on Kyuhyun?

It was the same question he had been asking for the past week, and Ryeowook was thankful and frustrated by it. Although he knew the line of inquiry was sincere, he also knew that Hyungsik had better things to be focusing on. In the whirlwind of the past several days, Ryeowook had learned that Hyungsik’s team passed the audition. Rather than hearing it from the man himself though, he had come across it in school-wide email from St. Angela’s weekly newsletter.

Things weren’t great. He knew it too. But what was there to do?

Ryeowook: He woke up. Sorry for being so absent these days.

Hyungsik: That’s great news! And no, I understand. Don’t worry about it at all. Just let me know how I can help. It must be difficult.

He knew that continuing the conversation was expected, but he couldn’t summon even a speck of motivation to do so. Of course, he didn’t blame Hyungsik. Not at all. But he blamed himself enough to be at a loss on how to treat the man now. Being happy…gallivanting around with his lover…being carefree…those things didn’t suit his mood nor his mindset.

And so, he sent message alerts to silent, and walked over to his laptop. Opening it, he began composing a letter.  

If Ryeowook had thought he looked like a wreck, then G-Dragon looked otherworldly. The studio was surprisingly empty for the time of day, but perhaps his superior’s appearance could speak to a revised schedule. Considering the host of issues concerning Henry and Kyuhyun, it was no wonder that the office was a mess as well. Ryeowook knew there were other idols and musicians were worked with G-Dragon, but he also knew that this recent trainee pet project was the focal point of the man’s current career.

Part of Ryeowook thought it was a bit rash to be there, but another part of him new that it would happen eventually. Ryeowook had found a resolve over the last seven days.

His fate was tied to Kyuhyun’s. If Kyuhyun no longer had the chance to grasp his dream, then Ryeowook didn’t want his either.

“You too, I see.”

Ryeowook blinked, surprised by the statement. “What?”

“Henry has also withdrawn his participation,” Jiyoung explained mildly. His tone of voice was such a stark contrast to the state of disarray in his clothing and demeanor that Ryeowook wasn’t sure how to react. The older man held out his hand, waving slightly at the letter clutched tightly in Ryeowook’s hand.

Kicking himself to attention, he handed over the slightly crumpled resignation letter. “I’m sorry.”

“Honestly, you’re a bit too good for this industry,” Jiyoung remarked, setting the letter aside and returning his gaze to the stiffly standing boy. “I think I can guess what made you decide to do this.”

Ryeowook shrugged slightly. “It’s not worth it without him. And I don’t deserve it without him, either.”

The producer looked thoughtful for a moment, eyes calculating. Slowly, he leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms. “Tying yourself to Kyuhyun so closely…doesn’t it scare you? Don’t you worry at all that it won’t end well?”

“It already hasn’t ended well,” he responded, chuckling awkwardly. “I…don’t plan on seeing Kyuhyun again. Even if I wasn’t in the car or driving the car that hit them, I should’ve done better in protecting him. I should’ve treasured him.”

“I wasn’t sure if you two were together, but I see now,” Jiyoung remarked, nodded in understanding.

Ryeowook blushed scarlet. “N-No! No, we’re not.” He shook his head fervently. “We have a bond through our music. I wouldn’t have made it this far without his help. His success is my success. I don’t feel right moving forward without him.”

“…And you plan to separate yourself from him completely too?”

He pursed his lips. “He…will have a long recovery time. I don’t want to cause him anymore pain and he has people who are much closer to him who can take better care of him. I would be a burden in the room.”

Jiyoung made a soft humming noise, as if agreeing. “If this was any other time, I would call you a coward for running away, however, I believe we are too similar for comfort right now.” He smiled a ghost of a smile that held more emotion than he had ever seen on the man’s face.

Whatever it was, Ryeowook didn’t think it was his place to know. “Thank you for accepting my resignation.” He bowed deeply, holding the position until Jiyoung urged him up. As he turned to leave the office though, quiet, but firm words caught him.

“The offer is always open, Ryeowook.” He turned around, watching G-Dragon who now waved the flimsy letter in his hand. “Don’t severe your fate just yet. Kyuhyun is strong and vengeful.” A grin briefly crossed his lips. “He’ll be back before you realize it.”