14 January 2014

Henry went straight to the studio from St. Angela’s. It had never been in his plans to return to the apartment first before attending early morning dance practice, and early meant the break of dawn. Before he faced Jiyoung, he needed to work off some of the stress. Although running away had been a solid temporary solution, it hadn’t eased much of the tension. He still couldn’t get the incident from the previous night out of his mind and he only had until 8am to figure out a way to face his mentor.

A sigh fell from his lips, and he wondered how much he had been doing that recently. Wasn’t he still too young to be so exhausted? His body was in the best condition of his life, but his mental state felt frayed and fuzzy. Nothing was going how he wanted it to. Although he knew this had been his decision, training to become an idol hadn’t originally entailed grappling with feelings.

He tossed his bag on the floor of the practice room, immediately beginning to go through a set of warm ups. The monotony of the actions calmed him slightly, focusing his mind on something digestible. Henry rolled both wrists carefully, counting off. Same with his ankles. Neck. Shoulders. Knees. Five minutes passed quietly, and then he started up the music, counting beats in his head before doing a full run through.

Starting the song again, he got into position.

Sometimes life was full of repeat situations. Those repeats often held minor differences though, just like a dance routine. A flexible pocket made in the music to allow an extra flare of fingers, sway of hips, shoulder roll…

Turn. Stop. Jump. Land. Look at audience. Smile.

And so there he stood again at the entrance of their shared apartment watching his mentor lip locked with a beautiful woman. They were always beautiful though. Men. Women. Not one was ugly. Not too old or too young either. Perfect.

Free style. Count. Spin. Fist pump. One, two, three. Smile.

Were there always going to be a string of gorgeous celebrities falling into the arms of this man? Was it more foolish to be surprised, though? A celebrity like him had all the rights in the world of live his life as he chose. There was no room for the fantasies of a childish romantic. Nonetheless, he found himself slamming the door shut a little too loud.

Hop. One, two. Sweep. Turn. Arms up. Down. Smile.

They broke apart slowly. One amused. One upset. Henry ignored them both though, striding to the staircase with all the neutrality he could muster. The woman muttered something dirty in Korean under her breath. He wasn’t sure. She spoke too rapidly for him to catch. Whatever.

Step. Step. Stomp. Stomp. Arms out. Jump. Spin. Smile.

The door to his bedroom opened only a minute after he shut it. Jiyoung stood in the threshold, that coy smile hiding all the frustrating truths Henry wanted to obtain. What was this? Who was she? What were they? What was Henry?

Smile.

“She’s an actress in a popular drama airing right now. Things got out of hand after I invited her back for some drinks.” Amused. Always amused. Always mysterious. Except once.

Smile.

“Is that right. Well, it doesn’t matter to me.” Lies. Irritation. Denial.

Smile.

“I told you before that I will give you anything you ask for. Even me.” Lies? Truth? Pity?

Smile.

“I don’t need anything.” Sanity. Distance. No more feelings.

Smile.

A kiss. Searing. Burning. Everything he wanted. Everything he didn’t want. Pathetic.

Smile. Smile. Smile.

“Anytime. I’ll give you these as many times as you want. So, don’t be upset.” Coddling. Bribing. Disgusting.

Smile. Always smile.

Henry stumbled to a halt as the music faded. Blinking, he looked around, taking back in his surroundings. What was he doing? That seemed to be the golden question—the only important question anymore. What did he want? If he could understand the feelings coursing through his veins and sending his heart soaring, then maybe this would all be easier.

What appealed to him about Jiyoung?

Everything. Nothing. Henry gritted his teeth. This was the pain of being young and stupid. If he was older…if he was Jiyoung’s age, would this all make more sense? He seemed so put together. So calm and calculating. Totally in control of the mess of emotions that came with infatuation. Henry wasn’t too far gone yet. He knew this wasn’t love. Far from it. Right?

Did he really know for sure? At least, Henry knew he didn’t want a love as painful as this one. The uncertainty and confusion would send him to an early grave. How could anyone want this sort of complicated feeling in their lives?

Or was it just something about Jiyoung that made this difficult? Wasn’t he the one who kept playing games? Or was Henry playing along? He didn’t think he was, but what did it look like to his mentor?

Someone as perceptive as Jiyoung already knew about his crush. There was no way he didn’t know. Therefore, all of this teasing, all of these offers, were just responses to his feelings, right? Then…wasn’t it also Henry’s fault for making his desires so obvious, but refusing to clarify what he wanted? Even if his words were a refusal, was his expression, body language, and heart refusing?

He ran a hand over his face, exhausted. “This is…”

“…is what?”

Henry whipped around, warily eyeing Kyuhyun who leaned against the open doorway. “Oh. Hi,” he breathed, having nearly lost his mind from fear. “Good morning, Kyu-hyung.”

“Morning to you too,” he responded, “but it doesn’t look too good. Ryeowook told me you slept over last night in their dorm. Did G-Dragon do something to you?”

“Not…exactly.” Henry fidgeted, feeling a little less self-conscious about telling Kyuhyun the truth. Although his cousin meant well, Kibum wasn’t as close to him as Kyuhyun. Ryeowook was also a good friend, but somehow, the one he had grown closest to was the man in the doorway. “Can you come in? I don’t want anyone to overhear.”

Silently moving into the room, he shut and locked the door. “Just so you know, I have dance practice with Ryeowook in an hour, so this better not be the longest story in the world.”

“That’s fine,” Henry shook his head, “it’s not a long story. It’s also just…hard to explain.” He paused, backtracking, “Wait. Why are you an hour early for dance practice?”

“Because I came looking for you,” Kyuhyun scoffed, “why else? I knew you’d be here moping if you weren’t still at the dorm. I figured I would check.”

Warmth blossomed in Henry’s chest and he sank to the floor, suddenly relieved to have someone to talk to. “Okay, thanks hyung,” he murmured, watching Kyuhyun settled down next to him. After a short, rather tense, moment, Henry began, “I have…feelings for Jiyoung-hyung.”

“What’s new?”

Blood rushed to his face. “You knew?”

“Henry, the world would probably know if they saw you two together,” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “You’re also a young, aspiring entertainer living with G-Dragon. Man or woman, you’d be getting butterflies for someone like him. It’s normal.”

“Okay,” he his lips, “but then, what if I said he’s been…responding to my feelings?”

“You mean like the other day?” He raised an eyebrow.

Henry nodded a bit, eyes lowered. “He…uhm, he kissed me last night. Again. The first time was on Christmas when he got angry at me. I was stupid and…yeah, I don’t want to get into that.”

Kyuhyun kept quiet this time, scrutinizing the boy.

“He told me that he’ll respond to my feelings if that’s what I want. I…felt horrible after that, so I ran away. I told him where I was going before I left, and he only reminded me to be here at the studio for a recording at 8am.”

“I see.”

Henry looked up, noticing Kyuhyun’s perturbed expression. “What do you think?”

“Well, you didn’t respond to his offer, right?”

He shook his head no.

“Do you want to take his offer?”

“No!” Henry exclaimed, offended.

Kyuhyun smirked. “You have more pride than I expected. Okay, well then that’s your answer. Face him and tell him that you don’t want him to respond to your feelings with obligation or pity. If you want to hold onto these feelings for him a bit longer, then just ensure that it doesn’t affect your work and that he doesn’t notice you mooning over him.” He paused, seeming to mull over something before continuing. “And if he persists, then maybe he has feelings for you, too.”

The very thought had never crossed Henry’s mind, and even after the idea had been spoken aloud, he couldn’t believe it. What did he have to offer someone like Jiyoung? A few fun nights in bed, and then emotional baggage if he remained a trainee under his tutelage? It would never feasibly or logically result in a satisfactory relationship.

Henry knew that. Love, despite the irony, was not in his future. Being an entertainer in South Korea meant he would lose any semblance of privacy and agency over his affairs. Further, it was unthinkable that Jiyoung had the intention to start a scandal involving the two of them—because that’s what it would become. If Kyuhyun could tell from a few interactions that Henry had feelings for his mentor, then the world would definitely be able to see it too.

“I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” Henry clenched his fists. “It’s troublesome.”

“Then find someone else,” Kyuhyun shrugged. “That’s the fastest way to distract yourself while letting those feelings fade. You don’t even have to be serious. Just pick someone and stop thinking about Jiyoung.”

“You make it sound too easy, hyung,” Henry whined. The playfulness he meant to convey in his tone was sorely lacking, though.

The older man smirked. “It is easy. Let’s hit a club tonight. Or a bar. Or find a friend you think is cute. Take your pick.”