17 September 2013

Henry glared at Jiyoung who stood calmly on the other side of the table. They had been in the midst of a stare-off for the past several minutes. Between them, spread out on the table, were numerous sheets of paper covered in lines upon lines of lyrics. The older of the two had his arms crossed, sunglasses pushed high up on his head. “We know who’s going to win this,” Jiyoung stated smoothly.

“No!” he snapped, “I have been working my off. Is this not enough yet?” Henry curled his hands into fists.

“You’re still not doing your best,” he responded.

“I’ve been writing and writing and writing all day, every day,” he sighed, breaths shuddery. “What am I doing wrong? Help me.”

Jiyoung slowly looked away from the boy, eyes drifting down to the sheets of paper. “Henry, when you’re writing these lyrics, what are you feeling?” He picked up one of the pages. “You’re writing about things like painful love and other topics that just don’t….suit you. They don’t express your feelings and you can’t express their feelings. Do you get that?” Jiyoung set the paper down, seeing the discomfort on the boy’s face. “I’m not saying that you’ll never be able to write those things, but right now, what’s believable and natural is innocence. You’re very innocent and that’s not something to be ashamed of.”

His face colored. “I’m eighteen,” he spoke quietly, curling his hands into his shirt hem. “I’ve had relationships before. I’m not some…loser.”

“I didn’t say you were,” he replied, walking around the table. Jiyoung took Henry’s hands, squeezing them, “Hey, look at me.”

He shook his head.

“Don’t write what you think I want to see. Write what you feel. That’s more important.” His gaze lingered on the young man, watching him closely for any signs of relenting stubbornness. A minute passed, but there was still no change in Henry’s stiff disposition.

Slowly releasing him, Jiyoung pushed his sunglasses down and ruffled Henry’s hair. “I have an interview, so I have to go. I’ll see you later tonight.”

“…okay.”

The moment the door shut behind his caretaker, Henry slumped into the chair, burying his face in his arms. He clenched his teeth painfully, fighting back the hot tears of humiliation trying to spill over. It was embarrassing. Jiyoung had a way of seeing through any bull when it came to music. Henry had taken the task too lightly and now he was being scolded. He knew it was his own fault, but that didn’t change the twisted feelings hurting his stomach.

Taking a shuddering breath, Henry looked around the high-end apartment and wondered when he had last left. The past weeks had been spent cooped up in there writing music. Jiyoung, for his part, had been out most of the time doing who knew what. It was probably involving his idol life or whatever. Henry scoffed bitterly.

He didn’t even want to become an idol. All he had wanted to was to play music. Everything was just ty. If he thought about it rationally though, there were limited chances and other people would kill to be in his position.

After all, Henry wasn’t dumb. He had seen the news and the entertainment channels and the hoards of fans that were always cheering “G-Dragon” everywhere online, in pictures, and on the television. Sometimes he even saw fans waiting outside of the apartment building. The fact that Henry was living with G-Dragon put everything into perspective in terms of his musical opportunity, considering no one ended up in situations like his own.

Furthermore, Henry was being given musical freedom, free classes, free tuition, free everything, really. So why was he so unhappy? Why couldn’t he meet their expectations?

Abruptly standing up, he grabbed his hat, music player, keys, phone and train pass. Slipping his sneakers on, Henry pushed out of the apartment, breathing in deeply before striding down the hallway, phone pressed to his ear.

***

Ryeowook towel dried his hair before replacing the damp cloth back over the metal rail. Pulling the door open, he stepped into his dorm room just as his door flew open loudly. Jumping back, he stared at the pair standing just over the threshold, spilling over one another in their haste to talk.

“What?” he raised an eyebrow.

Kibum shoved them aside, looking tired. “They’re freaking out over nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” Eunhyuk snapped, “you’re cousin – G-Dragon’s personal prodigy – is on his way here right now!” He straightened up, looking at Ryeowook expectantly.

The latter frowned, crossing his arms worriedly. “It’s really late. Is your cousin okay? That doesn’t sound like a normal thing…especially if he’s supposed to be under G-Dragon’s care.”

Kibum nodded, eyes clouded with concern. “Yeah I know, I’ve been thinking about that. He’s not irresponsible, so I don’t really understand what’s going through his head. It’s about a two hour trip on the high-speed train, so he should be getting here soon. Hopefully nothing has happened.”

Eunhyuk and Donghae seemed to sober at those words. They had come over to the dorm mainly to bug their favorite underclassmen, but had come across a pacing Kibum when they got to the lounge of their floor. After the words “My cousin is coming” spilled from those lips, it was just one big scramble to see who could yell the loudest in excitement.

“I’m sure it’s fine…,” Eunhyuk tried to reassure the younger.

“He’s not running away. He’s running to you,” Donghae smiled, patting Kibum’s back, “that means he’s not being completely crazy. Maybe the pressure is getting to be too much over at SME. I’ve heard about their students having a hard time dealing with the stress.”

Kibum looked at him, warmth entering his eyes softly. “Guess that’s true.”

Eunhyuk tried to hide his smile. It was almost a little depressing to see Donghae’s obliviousness. Maybe they would have to have an intervention soon.

The bathroom door clicked open again and Ryeowook turned to see Jongwoon hovering in the doorway, just out of sight of the others. Confused, he walked toward the older male. “Is something wrong?” he asked slowly, suddenly noticing the swollen eyes and quiet sniffling. “Wait, what’s wrong?” Ryeowook hurried over, touching Jongwoon’s arms, rubbing them.

Kibum glanced into the bathroom, eyes widening. “Did something happen?” he questioned quickly.

Jongwoon shook his head gently. “No, no it’s nothing. Sorry. I…,” he trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. “I just came in for some tissues.” He grabbed a roll of toilet paper, ready to leave.

“I’m going with him,” Ryeowook mouthed to his roommate. The latter nodded slightly, closing the bathroom door silently.

“Is everyone falling apart tonight or something?” Eunhyuk muttered.

Donghae smacked him.

It wasn’t everyday that you saw your elders crying. Watching Jongwoon shed tears was particularly off-putting, though. The dorm room was rather sparse. A few posters, a television and fridge were the only major eye-catching aspects of the room, aside from the bed and desk. Ryeowook only looked around for a second though, surprised when Jongwoon sank down on his bed, pulling the younger down with him.

His heart jumped into his throat as he sat stiffly on the edge of the bed, trying not to appear completely self-conscious. Thankfully, it seemed like Jongwoon wasn’t minding it very much. He gripped the toilet paper in one hand, the other one running over his jeans in a slow, repetitive way.

“I’m sorry, I just…I don’t do this a lot,” he sighed miserably, not looking at Ryeowook. “My girlfriend broke up with me and she was so…I don’t know.” Jongwoon took a deep breath. “She’s really harsh and cold sometimes, but also really sweet and cute to me. Just…is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Why did she end things like that?” He shook his head, waving his hands quickly. “You don’t have to answer or anything. I’m just rambling.”

“No, well, I mean,” Ryeowook stuttered, “I want to help. I can listen.” He paused. “I don’t know much about this stuff, but I know that you’re a really great person, hyung. You’re the best, really. So that girl is definitely making a mistake. Anyone who doesn’t see how amazing you are doesn’t deserve you, right?”

Jongwoon cracked a small smile, but it faded almost immediately. “She said the nicest things. She always knew what to say. But then everyone warned me too. They said she just dates to get what she wants. I thought they were lying because she was so kind. She listened and spoke sweetly.” His jaw twitched. “I’m an idiot. I’m so stupid.” He shut his eyes, laughing uncomfortably, “This is so pathetic. I hate myself for being like this. I’m supposed to be stronger than this.”

“Loving someone is special,” Ryeowook insisted, knowing that his heart wasn’t in it. How was he supposed to know anything? He had barely ever dated. He had no idea what it meant to fall for someone. Then again, looking at Jongwoon, he wondered if his RA had ever really loved the girl. Rather than talking it out, if the emotions were deep enough, wouldn’t it be much harder to talk about – especially with someone you barely met a month ago?

You are so very far, so very far

To be honest I miss you every day

Even the very small, very small trivial things

make me think of you every day

Ryeowook blinked, confused. Why had those words come to mind? It was the closest he had ever come to knowing what yearning for love meant. Those lines were a reflection of his only romantic notions. “Love is really special,” he repeated slowly, “even thinking that you’re in love is special. It’s not logical. It makes your head hurt. It makes everything hurt, but it also makes everything better. That’s all I know though.”

It was quiet for a long time and Ryeowook panicked, wondering if he had said the wrong thing. He opened his mouth to take back the presumptuous statement, but then he felt a soft hair brushed against his neck and shoulder. Looking down, he saw Jongwoon leaning on him, one of those small hands reaching out to hold his.

Focusing on his breathing, Ryeowook squeezed back when he felt the fingers trembling in his own. Although many things should’ve been running through his mind then, including things like Jongwoon’s well-being – none of that was prevalent.

There was really only one thought occupying his mind. He’s not the one.

Although he had probably unconsciously figured that out already, the confirmation made it all the more real. He nodded to himself, leaning his head back against the top of the older male. Ryeowook closed his eyes. Jongwoon drew out his greatest admiration, but that wasn’t love in the special sense. There was still someone out there more perfect for him than the already perfect person he was letting cry on his shoulder.

Maybe I should stop looking. It’s probably better that way. Ryeowook nodded to himself, making his decision. Love would come in time. For now, he would improve himself – become someone so perfectly Ryeowook-like, that when that destine person finally found him, he would be ready for anything.

The things that make relationships so hard, as far as Ryeowook could tell, was a lack of self. He refused to fall apart without someone in his life. There were many things waiting for him beyond that perfect person, and he wasn’t going to simply waste away the days that he was apart from that person. For now, as he had promised in that long-standing proposal, he would grow and form a solid foundation on his end of the spectrum.

Eunhyuk stared at the soaking wet pair standing in the lounge. They were covered in mud and debris, looking exhausted. Beside him, Kibum rushed over to the shorter of the two, a boy with a baby-face who immediately hugged his older cousin.

The other one was blinking and wiping at the mud on his cheek, eyes wandering up to Eunhyuk. Kyuhyun waved at his friend. “Hey, Hyuk. Long time no see.”