28 September 2013

Kyuhyun took a deep breath, head dropping. “You know what, just forget it.”

“No, I want to talk about this,” Sungmin argued, gripping his boyfriend’s arm. They lied in bed together, Kyuhyun’s roommate gone for the weekend. Outside, the blinds were drawn, blocking out the late afternoon sun spilling through the cracks. As usual, they had spent their time indoors, away from the rest of the world, cuddling and watching movies like an old couple.

Not wanting to spoil the evening, Kyuhyun hadn’t brought up the issue with G-Dragon and SME. He had been fully prepared to say something to Sungmin, but when he saw him…things just went too fast. Soon they were touching and holding and whispering because Kyuhyun hadn’t felt someone’s warmth like that in a long time. This person actually cared about him, unlike all those bodies he clung to on lonely nights. All of the bitter thoughts he had about Sungmin prior to their meeting again faded faster than light, simply because when they were together, he was too happy to care about their problems.

While in the moment, why did he have to worry about the future? Just gazing upon this man who clearly adored him, despite all their relationship’s dysfunctional quirks, was enough to cease the storm of indifference.

However, the weekend was ending for them soon. Tomorrow morning, Sungmin would be driving back to school. After the hype of seeing one another again wore off, Kyuhyun had decided to bring up the most important issue at hand.

“Look, I’m not saying that you can’t,” Sungmin squeezed the younger one’s wrist, “will you look at me?”

“We’ve been talking about this for at least an hour already. I really don’t want to argue anymore.”

He sighed. “Please, just hear me out. Really listen, Kyuhyun. That sort of lifestyle is really difficult. Being a musician isn’t steady and stable. You could be on the street anytime. People in the entertainment industry always make promises like G-Dragon did, but how many of his trainees are actually going to be successful? Not all of them can make it. Have you thought of that?”

Kyuhyun stared down at his blanket, tracing the weave of the maroon material. “I have,” he ground out, trying to keep himself contained, “but is that really so important?”

“Yes it is!” Sungmin cried, as if it was obvious.

“Why?” he snapped, glowering. “Why is it so important? I’m only going to be young once. They’re practically begging me to train with them. Don’t you know how much I love singing? That’s the only thing I really like. Am I supposed to just dismiss it because of fear?”

“It isn’t fear. It’s being realistic. Not everyone is supposed to be a celebrity or entertainer.” He shrugged and smiled sympathetically.

Kyuhyun shoved off his arm, wanting to scream at the pity he saw in his lover’s eyes. If Sungmin didn’t believe in him, then who would? “You’re supposed to support me. Why can’t you do that?”

“Because I don’t want to give you false hope like those people,” Sungmin stated patiently.

“You don’t believe in me that much?” He spoke quietly, eyes narrowed with hurt. Kyuhyun ignored the flood of guilt pouring over Sungmin’s features. Scooting slightly away, he turned his head back down. “Look, I’m not going to say that I’m some prodigy. I know I’m not Henry Lau or G-Dragon. I know that I’m not an amazing musician. But my voice is the best. There’s no one else that sings a ballad as wonderfully as me. G-Dragon and SME’s President both agree that I have something special and I’m willing to pursue that…I think. Or at least, I’m not dismissing it yet.”

Sungmin exhaled as if exasperated with the whole world. Leaning back against the headboard, he folded his hands. “I can’t give you my support when there’s a chance you’ll fail. It’s better to live a life that’s safe and just enjoy those times when you can indulge in your passion. Living for your passion is dangerous. Eventually, that passion will burn too much and destroy you. I don’t want to see that happen.”

“But all you do is talk about my failures. I don’t think I’m going to fail. Henry told me what he thinks every time he fails or someone tells him he’ll fail.” Kyuhyun chewed his lip, feeling oddly childish. “Failing is the same as giving up. And if I don’t want to get back up, someone will come to pick me up.”

“Who?” Sungmin demanded flatly, “Who is going to pick you up?”

“Someone,” Kyuhyun retorted, black eyes cold as he glared at the unrelenting male, “a friend, a colleague, a mentor, maybe even a stranger. If my passion burns brightly, then someone will notice if my signal fire goes out. I’m not going to give up if I go this way. There is no career that’s fool-proof.”

“Whatever,” he shook his head, “I don’t even know why we’re arguing about this when you’ve made up your mind.” Sungmin climbed out of bed, grabbing his clothes and getting dressed.

“What are you doing?” Kyuhyun frowned, sliding over on the bed.

“I got a call earlier when you were getting us food. I forgot to tell you since we got into this whole mess,” Sungmin waved his hand vaguely, looking tired as he did so. Tugging his pants on, he zipped them up. “My professor sent me an email asking if I could come in early tomorrow to help him sort through some files he needs for a new research project. I have to head back.”

“Alright then.”

Sungmin stared at Kyuhyun. “Don’t give me that.”

“What?”

“That pissy attitude,” he shot back, fingers curling into his wrinkled shirt. “I’m not leaving you behind. I just need to go.”

“Okay, whatever,” he muttered, pulling out his phone.

Sungmin gritted his teeth, yanking his shirt on. “Fine, be like that. I don’t care.” He stopped by the door, though. Turning around, he walked back over, leaning down to gently kiss Kyuhyun. “I mean, I don’t care about your attitude. I care about you. I love you,” he murmured softly, “…I’ll text you when I’m home.”

Kyuhyun didn’t say anything, simply nodding. He bit his lip as the door closed. Quickly, he dialed Eunhyuk’s number.

A moment later, there was an answer. “We won the competition!” Eunhyuk exclaimed through the receiver.

“Oh, that’s awesome. You recorded it for me, right?” Kyuhyun grinned, leaning back. His heart was slowing down, relaxing at the sound of his best friend.

“Ah, we did. Come and spend the weekend with me sometime! Actually, there’s homecoming week on October 5 through the 7, so just come then,” Eunhyuk explained, “It’ll be a blast.”

“Really? That’s okay?” He was already checking his calendar, making sure to leave that space open. St. Angela’s wasn’t his dream school or anything, but he was also quickly learning that dream schools aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Sometimes they fall short, proving to be different from all the brochures and what you believed were intensive research and scouting sessions.

There is no way to assure success or failure. No one can be fully prepared for something they have yet to experience and Kyuhyun understood that better than anyone he knew. It seemed like all of his friends were perfectly content where they were, so why couldn’t he be happy at SME? Sure, this recent development with G-Dragon was making things better, but after a little over a month of going to school, he had come to the conclusion that the people , the professors were , and the parties were overrated.

All he wanted was to find a way to be happy. That would mean no more loneliness and late nights of studying and thinking about ways to end it all. He didn’t want to go scavenging for warmth every night. So why couldn’t he just be happy? Why couldn’t Sungmin just make him happy all the time?

“It should be fine. I have plenty of room in my apartment.”

“By the way,” Kyuhyun swallowed softly, “I…got offered a full scholarship to the music program at SME. They heard my singing on Henry’s new demo and G-Dragon recommended me for the program.”

Eunhyuk was quiet for barely a second, before Kyuhyun had to rip the phone away from his ear, wincing at the screaming. “Holy ing , Kyu!” he breathed enthusiastically, calming down, “Do you realize how amazing that is? Are you going to take it? Congratulations!”

“You don’t….you don’t think it’s stupid?”

“What? Why?” he snorted. “You love singing and you’re ambitious. I’ve never seen you passionate about anything else. Plus, what’s the worry? If you get free tuition, it’s not like you’re wasting anything. And if you decide that you don’t want to be a singer, then you can just go get that law degree. There are lots of old lawyers.”

Kyuhyun couldn’t stop the smile forming on his lips. “I love you.”

Eunhyuk laughed. “Love you too, Kyu. But why don’t you sound more excited?”

“Sungmin basically told me that it’s stupid and I’m gonna fail,” he deadpanned, shaking off the irritation that came with repeating the statement. “I get where he’s coming from, really I do. But…it’s just aggravating. I don’t want to deal with it. He’s just throwing mud in my face. He doesn’t believe in me.”

“Maybe it’s because you guys don’t have the same viewpoint on life,” Eunhyuk offered, clearly practiced in this topic of conversation, “I mean, Sungmin isn’t really showy. He wants simplicity. You’re not…simple.”

Kyuhyun grimaced. “I know that, but…he’s just the person I’m with. When I’m with him, I’ll be with him.”

“Unless you’re cheating on him,” Eunhyuk remarked.

“Well, yeah,” he sighed, “anyway, you think I should do it? I have the rest of the week to think about it, so there’s no rush…but I don’t know.”

“You’re being hesitant for no reason. You live for your passion. You have one life. Why play it safe and be rich, when you can play the game you want to play and be fulfilled? Isn’t that a better option?”

Kyuhyun was quiet. He pressed his lips together, thinking carefully. There were a lot of things he needed to consider, or well, should consider. However, he also knew very well that he was already sold on the decision. He didn’t want anything else more than the ability to sing for the rest of his life. Nothing else brought him joy like singing could. Wasn’t it too stupid to just give it up?

“So how are you and Sungmin?” Eunhyuk broke his thoughts.

“Same as usual,” he mumbled, “volatile and bumming. But it was nice to see him.”

“I guess that’s good to hear?”

Kyuhyun cracked a smile, adjusting the phone in his hand. “I’m not sure if I’m ready to break up with him yet. We’ll see.”

Eunhyuk heaved the heaviest sigh Kyuhyun had probably ever heard. In fact, it was probably more like a groan of anguish. He tried not to laugh, knowing full well how disapproving Eunhyuk was of everything he and Sungmin stood for in terms of romantic relationships. They were a ed up mess of lies and distrust and dependency. But how do you break that?

“You know,” Eunhyuk began slowly, “if you don’t plan on being together forever, then why are you still dating him? Is there any merit in that? You’re driving full-speed toward a brick wall. Things won’t be pretty when they end.”

Kyuhyun played with his blankets, looking around the dark and empty dorm room. There were sounds of people partying down below, but he ignored them. “That’s probably true, but what can I do? It’s better than being alone.”