15 January 2014

Ryeowook trips over himself getting to the receptionist desk. The attendant looks less than pleased at his disheveled appearance, but otherwise doesn’t comment. He stutters out Kyuhyun’s name and barely registers anything beyond the words: “I’m sorry, sir. Patient Cho is in the ICU. Visitors are not allowed.”

When he slumps back into a waiting room chair, he wonders who brought him over. Looking up, he sees Kibum’s pained face watching him with worry. Ryeowook drops his gaze, a flood of guilty memories replaying over and over again in his mind. Why had he said any of those things to Kyuhyun? He should’ve been there with them. Why did he let him go?

“Hey, breathe.”

Ryeowook obediently in a breath, surprised at how good it felt. Had he been holding it? Two arms wrapped around his shoulders, and then he was being tugged into a hug. It smelled like Kibum. It had to be him. Closing his eyes, he latched onto the familiar scent. Anything familiar was good.

Time passed too slowly and too quickly. Ryeowook wasn’t even sure if time was passing. He felt himself stuck in that moment. In a hallway. In the midst of a petty argument. When had he become someone who could leave on such bad terms with a friend? When had he decided it was acceptable to walk away angry at anyone? Was this punishment for negligence?

“Ryeowook.”

Pulling away from Kibum’s warm embrace, he peered at the voice, seeing Jiyoung coming toward them. He wore a medical mask and dark clothes, but was otherwise recognizable. A set of forms was clutched in one of his hands. “Do you...Do you know anything?” Ryeowook croaked, clearing his throat and standing. He kept his fingers tight around Kibum’s hand, relieved to feel the man return the grip.

Nodding a bit, Jiyoung explained, “They couldn’t provide me with details, but Lee Donghae was conscious.”

Kibum tensed at the name.

“He said they were returning from a bar around 10:30 last night. A drunk driver collided with them in an intersection. Kyuhyun and Henry were sitting on the side that was hit. I wasn’t told of Kyuhyun’s condition, but the doctors said he and Henry sustained the greatest injuries out of the passengers.” Despite the clarity with which he spoke, Ryeowook could see the barely concealed tremor in his fingers. Jiyoung coughed softly behind the mask, eyes peering at them but nowhere near seeing them. “Henry received 20 stitches along his hairline, and they’re running tests to see the extent of his concussion.” Turning away rather abruptly, he waved the medical forms. “I need to submit these. Please excuse me.”

Ryeowook and Kibum exchanged a look. Were any of them going to be okay? As they prepared to settle back into their seats, Donghae’s familiar figure limped down the hall toward them. Kibum was immediately moving forward, catching the injured male in a delicate hug. Although Ryeowook couldn’t see his expression, he knew what it must’ve looked like. After all, they were all wearing the same face that morning.

Donghae glanced over at Ryeowook who was slowly making his way toward them. Smiling a little, he waved him closer. “Don’t look so down. I’m alive. We’re all alive,” he assured, voice a little hoarse.

“Always the optimist,” he responded wryly, carefully squeezing Donghae’s uninjured hand. “Sorry.”

“You didn’t do this to us,” he shook his head, frowning. “Don’t be like that.”

Ryeowook didn’t respond.

“Are you sure you should be up and walking?” Kibum demanded urgently, guiding Donghae toward a seat.

“It’s fine,” he shook his head, taking the seat anyway. Lifting one arm, he indicated the gauze wrapped around it. “I only had a couple stitches and some bruises.” Donghae looked down at his leg, “My right thigh is bruised up to the hip, so I’m walking a little funny for a while. Compared to me, the others are worse off.”

“Eunhyuk?” Ryeowook prompted softly.

Donghae nodded firmly. “He has a mild concussion, so they’re running precautionary tests. Other than that, he broke his left wrist and has some scratches and bruises. They told me he’ll be discharged by noon.”

“…and there’s no news on Kyuhyun?”

The look he gave Ryeowook did nothing to comfort him.

Across the room, they caught sight of Jiyoung once more, but this time he was bowing at the waist to an older man and woman. The pair looked more exhausted than any of them, which gave Ryeowook the feeling that they had been here since the accident was reported six hours ago. He had never seen any of his friends’ parents, so he couldn’t be sure whose they were, but given that Jiyoung was apologizing to them so severely, it had to be Kyuhyun’s or Henry’s.

Jiyoung listened attentively to Mr. and Mrs. Cho as they described their son’s condition as best they could. He knew it was a privilege to be receiving this information and worse yet, he knew he didn’t deserve it. If anything, they should have been furious with him. Kyuhyun had been under his watch. Kyuhyun had left his studio and soon after been involved in a full-on wreck. He had no right to be treated with care by these people.

“They aren’t sure when he’ll wake up, but they’ve mostly stabilized his condition,” Mr. Cho explained, the lines of his face deeper and darker than they had ever been. “A specialist is flying in this afternoon to check his vitals. They said there were several broken bones and some internal bleeding. They said they’ll provide more information as it comes.” He rubbed his tired face, squeezing the bridge of his nose as if in pain.

“Thank you for letting me know,” Jiyoung bowed once more, keeping his head as low as possible. He kept the position far past being polite and only rose when Mr. Cho’s firm hand clapped him gently on the shoulder. “I’m sorry,” Jiyoung murmured, head still down. “I’m so sorry.”

“This was not your fault,” Mrs. Cho shook her head, wiping at red eyes. “The only one at fault was that drunkard. Please don’t apologize anymore, Jiyoung. I’m happy Kyuhyun has such a caring supervisor.”

Mr. Cho made no comment, instead offering a single nod as Jiyoung lifted his gaze to them. It wasn’t enough to ease the guilt, but he would accept it for now. Without a doubt, he would make it up to them when Kyuhyun woke up.

When evening fell and there was still no news to announce about Kyuhyun, both Kibum and Ryeowook decided to return to school. Eunhyuk’s mother had come to get him at noon, and Donghae’s mother had arrived shortly before 7am. The couple in the corner had never left and Ryeowook couldn’t shake the desire to know who they were. However, what would that do for him? Would he shamelessly approach them and apologize for not being to able Kyuhyun or Henry? What words could he offer parents with a child fighting for his life?

Ryeowook mechanically went through his routine, unable to rid himself of thoughts concerning Kyuhyun. When midnight rolled by and he still hadn’t been able to calm down, he climbed out of bed and packed a sports bag. The studio was open 24/7 for trainees and company staff. He had never made use of it at this hour, but it seemed like a godsend in that moment.

“You going out?”

He paused at the door, glancing back to see Kibum equally awake and exhausted. “Yeah, I’m going to the studio. Maybe practice dancing until I can’t stay awake any longer,” Ryeowook attempted to make his tone light, but it just sounded severe.

“Just…be careful. It’s late.” The warning was heavy.

Ryeowook nodded. “I’ll take the bus.”

Kibum didn’t seem to be comforted by that, but he nodded anyway. “Message me when you arrive.”

The trip took 40 minutes and another 10 minutes on foot from the bus stop. Ryeowook wasn’t even sure if he would be able to sit still through classes in the morning. Would he even attend class? It seemed so silly all of a sudden. What were his reasons for attending class? Did it teach him how to make the right choices when friends were involved? Did it teach him how to keep his mouth shut instead of saying cruel words in a moment of panic?

Why?

Ryeowook passed his access card through the scanner, relieved when it beeped and disengaged the lock. The hallways were mostly closed except for the singular path to the dance rooms. He shouldn’t have been surprised to find that someone else also couldn’t sleep. Pausing at the door, he peeked in, feeling almost like a voyeur as he watched G-Dragon meticulously going through dance steps.

Even from a distance, it was clear that he was drenched in sweat. Ryeowook wondered if it would bring him that much pleasure to work his muscles so hard. Or would it just make him frustrated? He watched for another moment before turning and opened the door of a smaller practice room. It was clear that neither of them wanted to be disturbed.

Shooting a text to Kibum once he was settled, Ryeowook went through the stretches his instructor taught him. Like the fool he was, his mind wandered to Kyuhyun who was normally right beside him during these practices. His whispered jokes and smirks and mistakes always made things better.

Stop. He’s not dead.

Ryeowook shook himself, trying to disperse the despair. It would be okay, right?

Kyuhyun would recover soon.

And then they would train together.

And laugh together.

And sing together.

And Ryeowook would never say another cold, spiteful thing again.