November.

It’s a month no one talks about.

There’s a famous saying among college students that it is the very month that everything goes down the drain. Relationships that once seemed so real in high school are met with disaster. Couples that thought the world had been established for them, found their way away.

And for them, each one of them, something changed – just a bit.

Just enough to make you think…”What happened?”

But no one enjoys thinking about it.

No one wants to share it. Why would they? The heartbreak stings the first time – it crushes you the first time. It’s the lowest point a human can hit, that is, when they think the figurative heart has been shattered.

But it repairs. It almost always repairs with the needy hands of another person who is most often times the very worst person.

It’s like a rebound, if the rebound came before the initial strike. They tear couples apart, but in reality, they don’t really. They’re just there. What they do and what you do are so different because of how those heartstrings are interlaced with the right or wrong people.

Destructive and incomprehensible by nature, but also gentle and sweet by coercion; that is what a relationship means, both the bad and good ones. The ones that you think will last more than a lifetime and the ones you know will end before the sun rises.

That was why Kyuhyun sat alone, with pen and paper, on the very last day of November – after everything has been said and done – the clock striking 11:40 at night, nearly the dawn of a new month and a new year to come. But he was getting ahead of himself.

The tissue box sat empty in the trash, crowning the glory mound of wadded balls covered in his soggy tears and blown out despair.

Because that’s how people feel when they lose someone. They cry and cry and try to end the pain which seems to suffocate until you pass out and realize that maybe you shouldn’t have held your breath. Kyuhyun chewed on his already chewed bottom lip, knowing perfectly well that he had nothing left to cry about.

There was closure. Somewhere in there, he had found closure.

For anyone who said you cannot experience death prior to death, clearly never knew one Cho Kyuhyun who mourned his own heart’s death for what was less than thirty days but felt like an agonizing Hell nonetheless.

But after death comes rebirth. Rebirth as the world fades and shrivels up beneath the fresh white snowfall.

The year had yet to see anything though. That is, until the last day of November. It was the very day Kyuhyun had summoned up the courage to claw his way back out of Hell, his reborn heart lifting him up like a hot air balloon with the ambition to rise higher than any skies.

He would lift up more and more, gaining speed with each marker past.

But it wouldn’t last forever. Eventually someone else among the countless hot air balloons would tangle their threads with his – perhaps purposefully, and if that happened, he would know for sure it was the wrong person. Definitely the wrong person, because the right person wouldn’t latch onto him; rather, they would be popped by the stars, destined to crash into Kyuhyun at full speed until they went falling in reverse, never touching the ground as the world flips upside down where gravity dictates no one and the falling becomes endless.

They were romantic notions but invaluable when his very sanity was on the line and quickly diminishing.

 So he sat there, time ticking away as he tried to gather his jumbled thoughts on love and loss and lust and limits.

And with great hesitancy, he pressed his pen to paper, recalling the people around him, recalling that woman, recalling the screams and shouts and knowing very well in his heart that he still had no escape from those charms.

30 November 2013 – 11:56 P.M.

I don’t know what I want to do now.

I really don’t know what the future has in store. It seems like the world has fallen apart and I’ve been watching it come together again. Everything looks different to me.

Maybe it’s because he’s gone and she was never really here.

Whatever. I’m so done. I’m done with this .

Things will get better. Somehow.