15 October 2013

Saeng il chuk ha ham ni da!
Saeng il chuk ha ham ni da!
Sarang ha neun Donghae shi…
Saeng il chuk ha ham ni da!

And then his face was unceremoniously shoved into the cake. He waved his arms, hearing the muffled laughter of his friends as he tried to gather his bearings. Vanilla and strawberry coated his lips and his them, grinning widely as he wiped away whipped cream from his eyes and joined the raucous laughter.

“We ruined a perfectly good cake,” Hyungsik remarked, despite the fact that he couldn’t stop himself from joining in the merriment.

The entire apartment was booming with voices and music and cheap snacks. There were empty liters of soda carelessly lying around the kitchen counters and table. People sat on the couch, around the birthday boy, and everywhere in between. Ryeowook was snapping pictures all over the place, grabbing selfies right and left while making sure to record Donghae’s entire birthday ritual.

Kibum was sitting at the table, surrounded by the ones he had come to consider very close friends. Despite meeting only a month and a half ago, it felt as if they were life-long buddies already. Then again, if he counted the amount of time he actually spent with all of them, it probably added up to a lot.

His eyes trailed over to Eunhyuk who was interviewing Donghae like a news reporter, his phone shoved near the cake spattered male. The latter was still trying to catch his breath, answering the random questions with as much grace as someone like Donghae knew how. Kibum smiled. That’s what made him so cute though. His sweetness and childishness were too much to ignore and then add in his dancing and fashion sense which were absolutely irresistible. No one should’ve been legally allowed to look that gorgeous in a button down and some pants.

Although he knew it was probably stupid of him to still be thinking about what he did with Kyuhyun, he couldn’t help it. As heartless as Kibum wanted to pretend he was, hooking up with a near-complete stranger was still a difficult memory to let go of. Not to mention, he felt even dumber that guilt managed to seep into his heart.

What was there to be guilty about? Donghae clearly didn’t have any romantic feelings for him, so it was probably hopeless no matter what he did. With that being the situation, a one-night-stand with an incredibly hot and incredibly experienced man was nothing to be ashamed of. He was single, after all.

His eyes flitted over to Ryeowook. A sharp pang of guilt attacked him then. It wasn’t that big of a deal and yet he was having such terrible whiplash. Ryeowook was happy with Hyungsik, it seemed. They were getting closer day by day – probably because they were always practicing for that musical together. Kibum could only see them going up from here.

Despite what appeared to be a rather normal situation, he couldn’t shake the feeling that everything was…off.

Kibum frowned faintly, but hid it behind the lip of his drink. For starters, although he told Kyuhyun he was obligated to root for Hyungsik and Ryeowook’s happiness, he couldn’t support them from the bottom of his heart.

They were good together – very good – practically perfect. So why was it wrong?

Although Kibum had gotten what he wanted from Kyuhyun, even that isolated situation felt like it should’ve never happened. It couldn’t be because Kyuhyun was already dating someone since that was an even bigger joke than their hook-up.

And even though he praised Henry and G-Dragon for their ability to spur each other on, well, G-Dragon’s ability to push Henry – he couldn’t shake the feeling that if the weird tension between them didn’t lessen, everything might just explode.

To top it off, the worst conclusion he had come to was that maybe he and Donghae weren’t made for each other. Was finding the right person that difficult? Did it require so much trial and error? If not Donghae, who was he supposed to be with? Moreover, was he just thinking too much? Were college students allowed to mull over these issues?

Kibum smiled tiredly to himself, mentally reorganizing all of the people in his life to fit where he thought they would best fit. Sure, some of them were going to be off, but there were some that he just had a feeling were…meant to be.

Currently, there was really only one couple that he knew, just knew was going to be the end game for one another. No matter what happened, Kibum would bet his future as an actor on them. That’s how much that mystical force people called fate were pulling these two individuals toward one another. He had a hunch that others thought the same thing, but no one really wanted to admit it. After all, nobody really wanted them to be together, not now at least.

There was still some time and some feelings to sort out before they could even start. The bridge was long, the spectrum wide.

But for now, he figured it would be okay to just watch them. Watch them race toward their start line, because that’s how far they were from being anywhere close to their fated future.

A hand covered in cake was suddenly shoved in Kibum’s face. He spluttered and choked on frosting, looking up to see Donghae laughing at him. “You were being so quiet! It’s my birthday, so let’s go play!” He tugged the male out of his chair, pointing to the living room where Ryeowook and Eunhyuk were making bets on who would lose the first round of their Twister Tournament.

“Really, this game?” Kibum made a face, but he couldn’t help the humor tugging at his lips.

“Scared?” Donghae cocked an eyebrow.

“Never,” he grinned, some of the cake off his own face. “Your cake monster hand scared me more.”

“Hey!”

Perhaps, for now, it was alright to just pretend that destiny wanted them to be together. Feelings, even the smallest crushes, are hard to erase. They’re always imprinted on your heart, saved like a computer file in the facets of your brain for a rainy day when you’re reminiscing about the old days. When you want to recall your first crush, it’s not bitter, it’s normally sweet. When you recall the first time you thought you were in love, it’s sometimes embarrassing, but there’s always a tinge of amusement – maybe accompanied by thoughtfulness.

For Kibum, he wanted to pretend and embrace that youth which told him it was okay to keep pining after Lee Donghae…just for a while longer.