Forewords 10/10
- Good. It summarizes what the story is going to be about, and pulls in the readers by making them wonder how Mia and JaeJoong are going to influence each others’ lives.


Plot 13/20
- Fan getting to meet their idols because of a terminal illness is not exactly the most original plot out there.

- Even though you portray Mia as a logical, cheerful teen, and not a crazy, stalker fangirl in the story, the fact that she’s actually broken-hearted when she knows that JaeJoong has a girlfriend is quite… stalker-ish. So there’s a bit of an inconsistency in characterization here.

- JaeJoong getting jealous so easily and quickly over Mia? He’s not a very constant man, is he? Or your plot is just moving too fast.

- I like the symbolism of the blue rose – very central to the relationship between Mia and JaeJoong.

- I’m confused about the school. You said she’s in college, which considering that she’s 18, she should be. But you also said she wears uniform, and there’s a school bus? That makes it seems like she’s going to high school. Plus the whole atmosphere (with the whole popular girl, the ‘Queen Bee’ and all) FEELS like high school.

- Young Min’s plot doesn’t make sense – how he’s still in college (probably 2nd or 3rd year being 19 years old) yet he’s allowed to take shifts AS a doctor in the hospital EVEN if his dad owns it. I don’t think ANYONE would be allowed to practice medicine and have their own patients unless they’ve gone through medical school and some years of internship. (By the way, hospitals aren’t necessarily own by the government; private hospitals do exist, but of course, they cost much more as well.)

- What happened at Ch.18?! Did I miss something? Why are JaeJoong and Mia suddenly became lovers? When did that happen?

- It’s strange that Donghae got so attached to Mia so quickly and so intensely as well (i.e. he actually have nightmares and break-down because she turned him down?). It’s too… dramatic, I guess you can say – to a point that it’s unrealistic.

- I enjoy the tiny family scene in Ch. 34; it shows just how much the illness is taking a toll on both the one who’s physically suffering from it, and her parents, who are emotionally affected it.

- I also liked how you showed the readers behind-the-scenes of a famous pop group – the rehearsals, music awards and the like – as well as the fact that they’re just like normal people and deserve to be treated as such.

- I see you’re planning 2 endings, although I wish you’d just finish the endings in one take instead of splitting them into parts. However, the sweet ending with the confession is very sweet.


Originality 1/5
- As I’ve said above, a dying fan getting to meet idols isn’t very original; hiding the disease from everybody because she wants to suffer alone is used so many times in dramas that it can count as a cliché.


Grammar/Spellings/Transitions 10/15
- Make sure you stick with one tense (past or present) in your narrations. A lot of times you mixed up the 2 tenses in a single sentence.
Eg. Yes, this HAD happened to her before and she hated it.

- Run-on sentences – This is your main problem since you’ve got loads of those. So make sure you use the right punctuations and / or transitions to correct it.
Eg1. She sang along with him and peeled carrots, just then a sudden pain panged inside her chest, Mia held her upper body and dropped the peeler on to the floor. [Try: She sang along with him while peeling carrots. Just then, a sudden pain panged inside her chest; Mia held her upper body and dropped the peeler onto the floor.]
Eg2. “Ah!” she screamed, her lungs slowly shrinking and her breathing was decreasing its count, Mia’s eyes were getting blurry as she sank down to the cold tiled floor, het top was almost ripped from her body from the tightness of her grip. [Try: “Ah!” She screamed, her lungs slowly shrinking as her breathing decreased its count. Mia’s eyes were getting blurry as she sank down to the cold tiled floor. Her top was almost ripped from her body from the tightness of her grip.]

- When you write numbers (except for years and time, i.e. 2009, 6:00 a.m.), write the word out.
Eg. 1 in a billion chance [one in a billion chance]

- You’re missing punctuations in sentences inside quotations marks (except for questions and exclamations), and even just normal sentences in your narration.
Eg1. “I’ve got it all dad, don’t worry” [Add a period “.” like a normal sentence.]
Eg2. ‘Just when I thought this apartment is already full, another intruder must come’ JaeJoong thought. [Add a comma “,” at the end if there is a speaker that immediately follows the speech.]

- Sound effects like phone ringing should be in your narration since you’re not writing in script-form.
Eg. *Ring Ring* (CH2) – for this, you already mentioned that ‘JaeJoong’s phone rang…’, so there’s no need to put the sound effect in.

- Were vs. We’re. You always mixed up the two. ‘Were’ is past tense of ‘are’; ‘we’re’ is contraction of ‘we are’.

- What’s with the sudden change of point of view randomly (at the end of Ch.2) without any kind of warning? It’s third person and then it becomes second person (i.e. you)?


Flow 8/10
- It’s a bit unrealistic for JaeJoong to get so attached to Mia so fast, especially since he already has a girlfriend. Same thing with Donghae’s case. Otherwise, it’s good.


Choice of Words/Idioms/Quotes 7/10
- Awkward choice of words
Eg1. Unpaintable (Ch.7) [I think you meant ‘inscrutable’?]
Eg2. …while JaeJoong dumped his body on the bed. (Ch.8) [It sounds like he’s dumping/getting rid of a dead body. Try: JaeJoong collapsed onto the bed tiredly.]
Eg3. catched (Ch.8) [Past tense of catch should be ‘caught’.]
Eg4. …shutting the door hardly. (Ch.11) [‘Hardly’ means ‘barely’; I think you meant he shut his door with a loud bang.]
Eg5. animal love (Ch.11) [Did you mean actual love for animals? Cuz I don’t think that’d count as a significant human emotion… unless you have a pet, or you’re zoologist or something. Just wondering.]
Eg6. I’ve grown into her (Ch.13) [He’s not growing into / becoming her. Try: he’s grown used to her.]
Eg7. …worried for Mia (Ch17.) [It should be worried about Mia.]

- You’ve used quotes that somewhat match the mood/theme for every chapter, so that’s good.

Details/Settings/Characterization 13/15
- You tried to describe the settings, which is good. Of course, a little more detail wouldn’t hurt, but at least I can picture the scene in my head. Try using the 5 senses (sight, smell, touch, sound, taste) when you describe settings.

- Characterization – not bad. Though Mia’s personality is a bit flat (too perfect, no?), you showed her kindness and positive qualities through her actions (esp. during the Changmin scene in Ch.5). Towards the end, I think the readers do feel for Mia’s character – her pain and hopelessness – so that’s definitely a good thing. Readers also get glimpses of the other members’ personalities – like the insecurity of Changmin, the leadership of Yunho, and the brave honesty of Donghae.


Enjoyable 7/10
- It took awhile but I got quite into it once I got around the run-on sentences and the occasional awkward sentence structures. It may not be the most original storyline but I see effort in trying to put some twists into them. Perhaps getting a beta to correct your grammar would make the entire story more enjoyable.
- On a side note (and I’m usually not bother by this), maybe changing your text into a darker color would be easier on your readers’ eyes, because after spending the entire day reading such a light-color text against a light background is making my eyes burn.


Over All Score 74/100

-=-=-=-=-
at least this is better than the first one. and don't worry...
I'm in the midst of doing the chapter now so..
a little more patience.
i'll finish it sooner than you think...
so i can start a new one and hopefully improve ^^
something VERY original. HAHA