I stare at Mark stunned to see him so soon after our talk. I don’t ask him to leave or blow him off. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around him. I’m not sure what it is about seeing him standing there looking at me unsure of his surroundings or perhaps of me, but I suddenly am able to make a choice.

“We’re good.” I mumble into his shoulder.

Mark wraps his arms around me and I feel nothing but relief flood me. The little bit of anxiety I had when we last saw each other is completely gone. As I pull apart I stare at Mark and find that I really do feel like Mark and I are good, that things while different they are not for the worse.

“Then is it alright if I tell you something?” Mark asks seriously. “To tell you a truth?” I shake my head and let out a long breath, I give Mark a sympathetic smile when he gives me a troubled look. “Why?”

“Don’t tell me, don’t.” I tell him seriously. “I’m not ready for anything beyond what I already have on my plate. I’m still trying to get over my first real hurdle. My first real struggle here in what I’ve picked. I can’t have any more risks right now. And you are a huge risk that I can’t afford right now.”

“So then I have to wait?” Mark asks frowning looking at me like I’ve delivered this horrible news. Though I suppose I have. “Melody, I have to tell you.”

I shake my head. “No, Mark you don’t.” I say seriously. “It’ll be okay.”

Mark’s frown deepens and he walks over to me, “Why can’t I say it? Why do I need to wait?” He asks while grabbing my hand and pulling me closer to him. “Why can’t I just tell you?”

I smile and give Mark a peck on the lips, the first real intimate act we’ve had since the night we made out on the couch. “Because right now, I’m not ready, I’m not ready to change what we have.” I say sighing a bit sadly. “I’m not sure I could make what we both want last very long. I want for when the time comes to be healthy for both of us and right now I think it’d just blow up in our faces after everything that’s been going on. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“You do realize, everyone has told me not to take any excuse that you dish out that pushes me away, right?” Mark says. “For me to keep trying.”

I smile and nod my head. “Well, not until now, but it does make sense.” I say chuckling slightly. I let out a small sigh and smile at Mark. “I’m not making an excuse to push you away, I promise.” I say while placing my hand on Mark’s face. “I just can’t risk anything else right now.”

Mark leans forward and rests his head on my shoulder. “So we just go on pretending?” He mumbles.

“No, we break up.” I answer while rubbing his back. “I think the worst is over and honestly, I shouldn’t have let you fake all this for me.” I say quietly.

“I’d do it all over again for you.” Mark says in his usual gentle tone. Letting out a heavy sigh he rocks back and forth. “So we go back to being friends.”

“We’ve never stopped being friends.” I point out gently. “We just ease off the whole something more for a little.” I answer as Mark wraps his arms around me.

“I’m not gonna let anyone else have you,” Mark declares. “I don’t care.” He mutters protectively. “I’ll wait.”

I want to tell Mark he doesn’t have to, but I have a feeling he’ll just reject the idea entirely. “I don’t want you to wait,” I tell him carefully. “But if you are going to wait, I just think that right now I’m not at a place where I can give myself up so easily.”

“Since I think we both know I’m going to wait, I’ll just wait until you’re sure.” Mark answers firmly.

Mark lets go of me and gives me a small smile. “I’ll see you around then.” I say walking him to the door, both of us a little bit awkward.

“Yup,” He mutters as we reach the door. “See you later.” Mark says turning to give me a hug. I hug him back, tightly wrapping my arms around him. “This isn’t an I’ll-see-you-later-hug.” Mark says sounding a bit amused.

“It’s a thank-you-for-everything-hug.” I tell him as we pull apart. Mark leaves and I turn back into the dorm. I unpack my clothes and put them away. My thoughts drift to how easy it would have been to just let Mark tell me how he feels, to tell him how I feel, but things still aren’t quite complacent with everything going on. Besides it isn’t exactly like my relationships have been healthy as of late.

“You know, you’re such a space cadet when you clean.” Julia says, startling me. “Not to mention, easy to read.”

“What?” I ask confused as I turn around to see her smiling at me.

Julia comes and sits next to me. “I’m pretty sure you made the right choice here this time.” She says gently taking my hand away from my now empty suitcase. “Had you decided to stay and not move on from some places or people I think you’d have settled down already.” She says gently. “You’d have had a family; you would have been loved in a way that would last for you.” Julia says quietly. “But you still weren’t quite happy back then.”

“Back with Nichkhun and Junhyung…” I say leading off as I look down at my lap. “What was wrong with Nichkhun back then? Why couldn’t I stay?”

“Nothing, I bet he was everything you could have hoped for, but you knew you’d always get what you wanted with him.” Julia smirks at me. “Which of course made you want more, something he couldn’t give you.”

“So then Junhyung?” I ask frowning wondering what had gone wrong there, why I’d want more than relationship I had with him.

“Too casual, Junhyung was more focused on his career, and in turn that made you more focused on wanting to do something too.” Julia answers simply. “Mel, it’s alright to not know what you want, it’s okay to just kinda sit back for a little bit and try to figure things out. I know it’s kinda scary and something you’re really not used to, but not everyone has it all figured out.”

“Mark doesn’t need to have me half in a relationship.” I tell Julia quietly. “I just, I can’t go all in.” I say frowning and wondering why. “I like him a lot and I’m thankful for everything, but I don’t want it to be what I’ve been in already. Mark deserves better and so do I.”

“Well so long as you deserve it too.” Julia says smiling at me rather relieved. “Alright so, the guys want to see you.”

“Dinner?” I ask hoping Julia convinced them to do something low key. “Here?”

Julia chuckles and nods her head. “They’ll be here with food at eight.” Julia says easily. “Anyways, tell me about the trip. How was it?”

I let out a long breath feeling a bit uneasy about it still. “It was pretty calm, I didn’t really do much.” I say while shrugging my shoulders and Julia tugs me to follow her into the kitchen. I watch for a moment as she starts prepping the kitchen. “I actually went out of my way to talk to James.” I say while hopping onto the counter.

“James?” Julia asks looking over her shoulder, a frown very evident on her face. “Who is he?”

“Theo’s best friend, well, James used to be Theo’s best friend.” I explain easily. “We talked about how Theo changed me and that I should get back here and talk things out with Mark.”

Julia smiles at me as she begins chopping vegetables and then some chicken. She sighs and gives me a very kind look. “James sounds like a very intelligent sort of person, someone you regard rather highly.” She says calmly. “Did you have to talk to your parents to stay there at that apartment?” Julia asks curiously.

“Yeah, my mom expressed her distain at my private life being broadcasted publicly.” I say while rolling my eyes. “She acts like I was the one to go and write all those articles.” I say while shaking my head.

“She didn’t ask if you were okay or anything, or why you were staying in New York.” Julia asks while frowning again. “Your own mother wasn’t concerned about anything about you?”

I shrug my shoulders; I’m already used to it. “She’s always been like that; to be honest I think she stopped caring after she found out about me not being a anymore.” I say simply. “After she found out that a lot of my friends and I weren’t exactly up to the most savory of things. A lot changed when I refused to conform to what she wanted.”

“That’s a bit messed up.” Julia says callously. “You shouldn’t have to play some part, you should just be you and that should be more than enough for anyone.”

I chuckle a bit and nod my head. “My parents were always concerned about climbing the social ladder.” I tell her not really caring at this point. It’s something I just grew up with and it really doesn’t matter to me. “It’s why I rarely talk to them, I don’t need to be into it and they don’t need anything to hold against me. We’re estranged and it’s probably how things are going to be for a while.”

“How can it not bother you?” Julia asks me. “I know it bothers me that my parents don’t give a damn about me now since I left China and my grandmother’s house.”

For a moment I consider this. “I guess part of it is; I know that I could say anything to them and it wouldn’t change their minds. I could tell them that what the tabloids are saying are lies, but they’d still be ashamed and lash out at me. I don’t need the negative influence in my life. Besides if they’re only criticizing me then it isn’t exactly like I need them, they aren’t contributing anything positive to me.”

“You’re really strong.” Julia says setting her knife down. “Cheonmi was saying a while back, when you were still dating Nichkhun and I thought it’d end badly that you’ve always been the strong one.” She says affectionately. “You’ve always been the one keeping us calm, grounding us, putting it all in the right perspective, and showing us just how great things really are.”

“I lost sight of that, after all the relationship problems and the drama with the scandals I kind of forgot what was really important. I was so focused on trying to be that picture perfect Melody…I just let go of a lot of things I shouldn’t have, I compromised on parts of who I was and had been, to accommodate what so many people expected of me.” I say feeling ashamed of that.

“You’re back on track now, you’re looking to be you verses what you think everyone is expecting.” Julia says simply. “I’m proud to be your friend, I’m proud to know you, Mel; you know that a lot of people are too right?” She says giving me a hug.

Hopping off the counter I simply help Julia prep for dinner and then promptly shooed out of the kitchen when it comes time to cook, mostly because I burn everything.

I enjoy the simple get together with our friends, I chat, and even explain a bit about why I left so suddenly, what coming back here means, and that some of us will be spurred back into the spotlight after Mark and I ‘publicly’ break up. Everyone says their see you tomorrows, everyone eventually goes home, and things are back to normal. I go to bed and I feel fine, I feel a different sense of comfort from being back and seeing everyone, from drawing the line with Mark.

I've gone back and fourth on this chapter and the next one
endlessly while writing it and finally decided to stick with it. 
I've tried a few different ways for this chapter to play out but I couldn't
stand them.
Anyways, so the next chapter is the last one.
Enjoy my ducks~!