Album No. 14

:: Track 01 ::

“Where’s your boyfriend?!” I asked once I got to school the next morning, my hands gripping my knapsack straps, ready to strangle someone.

I had thought about calling LiYin last night to call Junsu about the whole issue – in which Kim JaeJoong won’t tell me – but I figured that it was too late and it’d be better to ask in person. At least this way he won’t be able to hang up on me with some lame excuse.

“Wha- why do you look so anxious to see him?” LiYin looked half scared and half confused. She had her eyebrow raised and her left eye narrowed. “What did you do to Junsu?”

Boys over friends again?

I looked away with a pout. “Nothing! I haven’t even seen him since yesterday …it’s not Junsu.” I crossed my arms and let my face do the talking.
“Oh~” LiYin sounded calmer and even a tad playful, not that I wasn’t expecting it.

“So it’s JaeJoong.”

Like it wasn’t obvious.

I snapped at her, maybe even letting out a low growl. She immediately laughed in an attempt to make things better but let me tell you it didn’t exactly make the sun shine through this storm.

“What happened between you two last night anyway?” she asked, hand slipping around my shoulder. She smiled.

“Yah! Zhang LiYin! Don’t say things like that!” I yelled at her; my cheeks were probably already bright red. “I, the jerk and the word ‘last night’ do not belong in the same sentence!”

“It was a question…” I heard her mutter and I shot her a glare. I then brushed off her hand and walked ahead without her. “Ya-yah! I was just wondering, Unni! Okay, okay! No more teasing~”

I stopped in my tracks and let her catch up to me with a small hug. I turned to her; my eyes still narrowed, and put my hands on my hips.
“I only stopped because I still have to find that boyfriend of yours. Where is he?” I questioned but to my disappointment, LiYin frowned.

She scratched her earlobe, playing with the dangling piece of silver jewelry and answered, “I actually don’t know. Su should have been here already…”

“LiYin!” A familiar uniquely-high-pitched-but-not-high-enough-to-be-a-girl’s voice called out.

Yes! Just the man I was looking for!

“Junsu!” I yelled back and waved just like he did; his expression turning confused when he realized that I answered instead of LiYin, heh. My bad for being the third wheel.

When he approached us LiYin beamed shyly and gave him a wave.
“Good morning~” she greeted and Junsu patted her on the head with a smile.
“Hey you,” he answered with a beam and then turned to me. His smile suddenly fell and he looked back to LiYin instead.
“H-hey BoA…” he said, nervous and avoiding eye contact.

What the heck? He usually always says hi to me with the brightest smile but now he was ignoring me like I was a nerd that grossed him out or something. I scrunched up my nose and poked Junsu on the shoulder. He slowly gazed at me from the corner of his eye.

“Yah! Kim Junsu. What’s with you?” I yelled at him and LiYin didn’t say a word. She was probably wondering the same thing. He seemed to be acting strange today and it wasn’t even first period yet.

“N-nothing…” he stammered and rubbed the back of his neck in nervousness. Obviously a Kim Junsu ‘nothing’ is more like a very big ‘something’. Hm… it must be because– oh my God.

“What did Kim JaeJoong say to you?!” I asked, jabbing my finger into his cheek. He spun around, trying to run away from my attack.
“What do you mean Unni?” LiYin asked innocently, while she also tried to pry me off of her boyfriend. “What happened to you and JaeJoong?”

“Nothing~” Junsu said in a whiny voice with his cheeks flushing red.
“Nothing!” I repeated anxiously and put my hands on my hips.
LiYin eyed the both of us strangely, wanting to know what was going on. Well I wanted to know too! If only I knew, none of this would be happening right now.

“Excuse us for a moment,” I told my best friend and was about to drag Junsu off to the side to ask him more privately but Junsu flicked my hands off of his arm and hung his head low in apology.

“Mianhae BoA-sshi,” Junsu told me. This was getting super weird now. He was even using honorifics to address me!
“I’m not allowed to talk to you…” he confessed but I didn’t understand.
“What? Why not?” I questioned and he, avoiding my eyes again, bit his lower lip.

“YoungWoongie Hyung forbids it,” Junsu said and I snickered, eventually breaking into a more wild laughter.
“Oh come on Junsu!” I exclaimed in between giggles and slapped him playfully on the forearm. “You’re kidding right?”
Junsu finally stared at me very seriously and shook his head. LiYin linked arms with him and looked at him with concern.

“Junsu, you’re not five. And Kim JaeJoong isn’t even your real Hyung! Why do you have to listen to him?” I asked but he shied away again. This was like slavery or dictatorship or whatever-you-call-it!

“We pinky swore on it,” he whispered and I rolled my eyes. That jerk – he can’t even keep a pinky promise but he makes other people do it.

“I’m sorry BoA,” Junsu continued and slipped his hands in his front pockets. “No matter what, YoungWoongie Hyung is my best friend so… I can’t tell you.”

Darn Junsu for being such a kind, loyal friend unlike that monkey-of-a-jerk.

I noticed that Junsu blushed. “He didn’t even want to tell me~” he said while looking around as if he wanted to make sure that Kim JaeJoong wasn’t near to hear it. I must admit it made me feel a bit better and yet – all the more curious to find out why he left my house that day.

“And if I tell you…” Junsu continued and I leaned in closer to hear him out. “He won’t let me see LiYin anymore.”

LiYin gasped and shook her head repeatedly. I could tell from her eye language that she was begging me not to bother Junsu anymore. Silly girl~

I grumbled and let out a long sigh. “Gosh! Fine!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air.
I nearly smiled seeing how happy the two of them looked when I gave up on the interrogation. It didn’t mean that I was going to give up on the idea all together though—

“I will find out why if it’s the last thing I do!” I claimed, wagging my finger in front of Junsu’s face. He seemed to gulp when I gave him a mean glare. "You watch, 2Kim. I will find out your secret…”

“2Kim?” LiYin said in a cute questioning voice and tilted her head to the side. “What’s 2Kim?”
“…Uh I think he means me and YoungWoongie Hyung. Kim Junsu and Kim JaeJoong… 2Kim,” Junsu explained correctly and I nodded slowly but still glaring as I left.

:: Track 02 ::

I slowly walked away to go the long way to music history figuring that I still had some time before class. It really crushed my hopes that my-source-for-all-things-Kim-JaeJoong was no longer of good use. He has gone to the dark side and now I needed to find a new one – someone more reliable, understanding and trustworthy.

But who?

“Hey BoA,” a voice greeted as I breezed down the hallway. I abruptly skidded to a stop and chased it, tugging the person by the sleeve of the jacket.

“Yah DongHae DongHae DongHae!” I yelled, almost a little too excitedly upon seeing him.
He smiled his million-dollar smile and looked at me cutely and curiously.

For the second time of the day, I say:
Just the man I was looking for!

:: Track 03 ::

DongHae and I went to a place on the rooftop where the autumn breeze was cool and the air was somehow cleaner or fresher – one or the either. I couldn’t tell.
Both of us sat down, knees curled to our bodies, leaning against the wall and looking up to the sky.

“You cold?” DongHae broke the comfortable silence, about to take off his Ongaku jacket but I put my hand over his and shook my head.
“I’m fine,” I answered and then we both smiled. “Anyway, I have a question that I think you might be able to help me with,” I continued, crawling a little closer to him.

He laughed. “I thought so.” I stopped moving and sat down. How did he know?
“I mean why else would you drag me all the way up here? To sit with you and daydream?”
“Oh right,” I replied shyly with a wince. “But seriously – I need your advice.”
“Okay. Shoot,” DongHae said, giving me a stare that showed he would definitely help if he could.

“Um well,” I started off slow and tried my best not to get caught. “I have this friend—“
“BoA,” DongHae said firmly and I looked up at him, gazing back into his narrowed eyes.
“I know it’s you.”

There was a moment of silence and staring, almost like the ones Kim JaeJoong and I – ahem never mind. This felt completely different.

I shook my head and grumbled. “Fine! So it’s me~”
He laughed again – reminding me more and more of Kim JaeJoong every time.
“Okay, go on,” he insisted and I sighed.
“So I~” I put emphasis on the “I”.
“I’ve been having this problem with this guy—“
“JaeJoong Sunbae,” DongHae interjected and I faked a smile. Why must he ruin my fun?
“… So I’ve been having this problem with Kim JaeJoong and basically –“
“He’s been ignoring you.”
“Yah, can you stop doing that?!” I screamed at him, getting annoyed, probably with the fact that he was totally hitting the nail with each response.

DongHae put his hands up in front of his chest defensively. “Hahaha, okay okay. Please continue, Miss Kwon.”

I took in a deep breath and spat it out before he can interrupt me again.
“Kim JaeJoong has been avoiding me ever since the day that he went to my house and we were in my room and he accidentally fell on me and it was awkward but at the same time it wasn’t really a big deal but after that my mom dragged me out of my room and when I went back inside he wasn’t there anymore so the other day I asked him why he left and he wouldn’t tell me and when I went to ask Junsu, Junsu told me that it’s a secret that he can’t tell so I was just wondering since you’re a guy and from a guy’s point of view, do you know why he would be avoiding me because I really hate it when he does that and especially since he’s making the whole thing secretive which it should not be!”

When I stopped my rant, DongHae had his eyes opened wide and his face was somehow a little pinker. I guessed that it was the wind. He simply stared at me, slightly shocked and not speaking. It so wasn’t like him. He always spoke his mind making me wonder if he even heard a word I said; even one word would be nice.

“Wait…” he finally spoke and my heart jerked, anxious to hear what he had to say.
“JaeJoong Sunbae fell on top of you?”

“Gah!” I screamed and buried my face into my bended knees, feeling both defeated and disappointed. Was that all he got out of that?!

DongHae laughed out of embarrassment and patted me on the shoulder. “I’m sorry BoA~”
“Wahh—forget it! No one can help me!” I said and wailed at the sky. DongHae kept patting me on the shoulder but it wasn’t very comforting.

“BoA. Kwon BoA, BoA listen to me. Kwon BoA—hey!” DongHae exclaimed and I looked up, immediately shutting up. Without wanting to, I thought of Kim JaeJoong again. He always screamed at me like that, yelling ‘yah!’ and calling me pabo and –

Gosh why do I always think of him?! And why does DongHae have to do things that he does to remind me of him?! I guess it’s how I remind Kim JaeJoong of that girl Stephanie… does this make us even?

DongHae had his hands on my shoulders and spun my body around to face him.
“Calm down.” The two words made me resort to slow down my breathing. I don’t know why but my head started to feel dizzy. I just wanted to know why… so badly that I didn’t even know why I wanted to know why anymore. Was I really going crazy? For him? Kim JaeJoong?!

DongHae smiled at me. “I know why.”
My eyes grew large and I stared at him with utmost innocence and curiosity. Did he really?
He then let go of my shoulders and reclined towards the wall again, looking somewhere ahead rather at my eyes.

“JaeJoong Sunbae probably… um…”
I hope he wasn’t going to make up something on the spot. DongHae then coughed into his fist and blushed a little wilder than I’d ever thought he would.

I moved my hands around in a forward circle, silently asking him to continue.

“I think he probably got…” DongHae leaned in near my ear and I tilted my head to the side to make sure I would hear this clearly.
.
.

“.”

Whoa! SAY WHAT?!

My entire body grew hot and I bounced back from DongHae, creating a two-feet distance between us. I couldn’t stop my ridiculous heartbeat from picking up like the wind.

Was that really the reason? Kim JaeJoong – was he attracted to me? Like that?
Somehow it didn’t make me feel uneasy. I was actually – happy.
Omo. What am I thinking? I’m not creepy!

“I mean,” DongHae spoke up again. “If I fell on top of you, I’d get –“
“Oh my god! DongHae!” I screamed and pushed him so he fell on his side, lightly laughing. Talk about too much info!
“Haha, sorry sorry~” he apologized and scratched his head, embarrassed. “I’m just saying~ It’s what happens to guys when they’re around pretty girls like you. We can’t control it.”

I can’t say that this conversation wasn’t the least bit awkward.

“Um…” I made a noise. It was too quiet all of a sudden. “Thanks for the insight… I think.”
DongHae cleared his throat and slipped his hands into his jacket pockets. “No problem.”

Guys are interesting and yet slightly disgusting.

:: Track 04 ::

When I arrived to music history, most of the people were already in class seated, waiting for Ms. Lee to come in.

I saw LiYin texting in her seat like the majority of my classmates, probably to Junsu – who else – but Kim JaeJoong was simply staring at the window, looking like he was thinking very deeply about something. God he looked gorgeous. Stupid Kim JaeJoong.

I quietly walked up the steps to the level of our seats but hoping to catch Kim JaeJoong’s attention when I walked by him. Gah. He didn’t even blink!

Should I call him? I thought. Nah maybe not. It would only make me seem desperate to talk to him, after all I’m still supposed to be angry – somewhat.

“Hi BoA,” LiYin greeted when she felt me sit down at my desk next to hers. She tucked her phone away in her bag and gave me a smile. I wasn’t paying much attention to her though. I wanted to know if Kim JaeJoong looked my way yet. Heh, I think I’m understanding the whole boy-over-friends thing now.

I wanted to do a victory dance when Kim JaeJoong perked up and suddenly turned his head towards me probably after he heard LiYin say my name. I was staring at him with my face getting hot and my heart beating fast, now that I knew his so-called secret but again, he still thinks I’m mad at him, so he quickly snapped his head away pretending that he wasn’t just looking at me a few seconds ago

I opened my mouth to say something but shut it once our teacher walked in.

“Class, sit,” she commanded and I did so. I quickly pulled out my notebook from my knapsack and set it on my desk. I stole a glance at the dummy, who had a single sheet of paper on his table. At least he was prepared but – god why do I care?

“Listen, everybody, pay attention here,” Ms. Lee directed the class, and banged the end of her ruler against her podium, silencing the room. “Good. I have an important announcement to make.”

Why do teachers always have to announce that they have an announcement to make?

“We’re going to have a project,” she continued and the entire class let out a harmonizing groan. “I don’t want to hear any complaints. This project is simple so just listen.”

One of Kim JaeJoong’s fan girls who were sitting behind us raised her hand. I think it was Nicole.
“Ms. Lee do we get to work with partners?” she asked and I bet she asked because she wanted to work with Kim JaeJoong. Grr…

“Actually yes,” Ms. Lee answered. Nicole and her friends squealed. “But don’t get excited yet. I’ll be choosing the duos.”

“Awwwww~” everyone sang and Ms. Lee put her hands on her hips.

“No ifs ands or buts, and absolutely no trading,” she claimed and adjusted her black-framed glasses on her nose. “Now the project, like I said, is very simple. All you have to do is pick a song with your partner and play it together using the instruments in which you choose.”

“That sounds neat,” LiYin whispered and I nodded. It did sound nice – except for the fact that I could barely play Mary Had A Little Lamb on the piano.

Another guy named SeungHyun raised his hand. “Miss, what does this have to do with music history?”
Ms. Lee rolled her eyes. “It’s the music part, SeungHyun.”
“Oh,” he answered and the class laughed.

“So anyway, let’s divide the class into pairs,” Ms. Lee said and browsed through the room. “Ah first, Koo Hara… and Kim JaeJoong.”

My heart dropped. It didn’t even occur to me that Kim JaeJoong would be partnered up with another girl. As much as I hated to admit it, I was burning with jealousy already.

“Aw you’re so lucky Hara,” Nicole said to her friend and slapped her playfully on the arm. Hara only smiled. “I wanted to be with JaeJoong Sunbae.” Nicole made a pouty face and I wanted to throw up.

Gosh it was just Kim JaeJoong – the most gorgeous, prince-like, multi-talented Kim JaeJoong – pft nothing to fuss about!

“Zhang LiYin and Kwon BoA.” Ms. Lee’s voice popped into my thoughts and I whipped my head towards the front of the classroom and then at LiYin. She gave me a bright smile and I did the same, glad that I was able to work with my best friend but I couldn’t help but feel sad; Kim JaeJoong – he was with someone else.

“Okay find your partners and start brainstorming,” Ms. Lee instructed and a few students were already out of their seat, ready to work. “And don’t forget! Be as creative as possible!”

“Hara,” I heard Kim JaeJoong’s airy voice speak and my heart nearly tore in half. He said another girl’s name right in front of me. It didn’t help that she was cute like a Japanese doll either. Argh!
I watched him talk to her, turned around in his seat, facing the back of the classroom. “What song do you want to do? Want to meet after school today?”

And that was all that I could hear. All I wanted to hear. More than what I wanted to hear.
Since when did he actually care about schoolwork? And after school? Didn’t we have piano lessons after school? Did he forget about them? Did he forget about me?

“BoA?” LiYin called and I blinked a few times before answering her. “You all right?” she asked, though I was sure that she knew that I was upset.

She held my forearm with both hands as I sat, not moving, not speaking.
Really, I shouldn’t be this upset. It was only a dumb project after all right?

I stole a glance at Kim JaeJoong and that girl Hara. They were smiling and it seemed like they were having fun. Upset. I shouldn’t be upset but… who was I trying to kid?

:: Track 05 ::

The rest of the day flew by like it meant nothing. Nothing. I wish that my feelings for Kim JaeJoong were nothing.

“BoA Unni, wait up~” LiYin sang when I rushed out of our ninth period class, walking like I was running.
I stopped in my tracks and let out an exasperated sigh. Why was I so pathetic?
LiYin caught up and stood right in front of me. I gazed into her big hazel eyes and I could tell that she wanted to tell me something.

“What is it?” I asked, almost regrettably coldly. I wasn’t in a good mood but I shouldn’t take it out on other people, especially my best friend.
I sighed. “Sorry LiYin, I –“
“It’s okay~” she quickly responded and smiled wider as she grabbed my arm again. “I know what’s been bothering you so I –”

She didn’t finish her sentence and I was just about to ask her but then I realized why – 2Kim arrived.
“Hi Su!” LiYin exclaimed and practically jumped into his arms. I still wanted to ask her what she meant but she was distracted by a bubbly Junsu, who was just as bubbly as she was. They really were too adorable for words.I envied them.

“Pabo,” Kim JaeJoong said shortly, and I turned to him with a frown.
“Jerk,” I called and he narrowed his eyes at me.

“Want to go get smoothies?” Junsu randomly offered and I shook my head while still glaring at the jerk Kim JaeJoong.
“No,” Kim JaeJoong answered, firm and decided. The couple’s smiles turned into confused faces. They must have felt awkward sensing the tension between the dummy and I.

“Well okay…” Junsu said with a nervous giggle. “We’ll be going first then. Bye BoA, bye Hyung.”
“You two have fun~” LiYin teased and the pair went off on their own.

Kim JaeJoong huffed and crossed his arms, breaking off the stare to watch the clouds pass by.
“Are you still hung up on the idea of finding out you-know-what?” he questioned and I gave him a snide expression.

“No! I’m not that interested in things related to you! Stop flattering yourself,” I yelled back even though it was a total lie. My world was practically, slowly, but basically wrapping around him. If only my arms could do the same.

“Really?” He then perked up with a stupidly adorable and questioning face. What a sudden change.
“You’re really not going to bug me about that anymore?” he asked and I rolled my eyes.

“NO. Gosh. I give up, you win, all right?!” I shot back and out of nowhere Kim JaeJoong smiled. He smiled like he was trying to blind me with his super clean white teeth.

“Good!” he said and patted me on the head. My body tensed up a bit upon his touch. He hadn’t come into contact with me like this in a while. “Now everything is back to normal,” he claimed and stretched out his arms towards the sky. He began to walk out of Ongaku and I followed.

What was he talking about? It wasn’t back to normal if he was project partners with Hara.

It took him a while but he soon noticed that I wasn’t following.

“Yah pabo! Are we having piano lessons today or what?” He turned around and exclaimed. I looked at him through my narrowed eyes and clenched my fist.

“Don’t you have a project to plan with Hara?” I asked through my teeth, uncontrollably sounding ticked off. I was sure my expression sure as hell showed it too.

Kim JaeJoong raised an eyebrow and pointed at me. “The last time I checked, you’re my partner for that project.”

The anger suddenly washed away and I stared at him, trying to figure him out like a puzzle. What in the world was he talking about?

“Ms. Lee said you’re with Hara! Koo Hara!” I exclaimed, trying to keep my voice strong. Was he daft?
“You were even talking to her about it, asking her what song she wanted to do and stuff. Don’t you remember?”

Kim JaeJoong cocked his head back and scratched the back of his brown hair. “Yeah… but just two periods ago Ms. Lee found me and told me to switch with LiYin so now I’m gratefully stuck with you, genius.”

What?

“But Ms. Lee never told me that!” I shouted and he simply shrugged.
“Well she told me and I thought it was weird because she said, ‘absolutely no trading!’” he mocked in a surprisingly good female voice. I couldn’t help but let out a tiny giggle.

Kim JaeJoong grinned the grin that could murder a hundred girls on the spot.
“So yeah, like it or not, you’re my partner now,” he said with a teasing sad sigh but I just could not believe it. This means that LiYin set me up! I don’t know how she did it but I know she did and –I was glad; glad to have such a great friend like her.

I hurriedly looked away so that he missed me blush and smile. I loved that I was his partner.
Out of nowhere he grabbed my hand – not my wrist but my hand. He held it and I really want to say that he held my hand, like I was his girlfriend.

“Come on let’s go,” he told me, leading the way out of the school. I glanced at the sky and it looked like some dark clouds were rolling in. “We have a lot of stuff to do. Lessons, project, lunch, homework –”

A drop of water landed on my nose and I paused, making Kim JaeJoong stop too.
“It’s raining~” I told him and blinked my eyes upward. I heard him his teeth making a hissing sound as if he was annoyed. He tugged on my hand and pulled me forward, tucking me under his uniform jacket.
“Then let’s get out of here pabo,” he said and I smiled, running beside him, holding his hand, laughing on the way home.

Though it was cold, it warmed my heart—
It warmed my heart to hear his voice
It warmed my heart to see his face.
It warmed my heart that he was holding my hand,
It warmed my heart that he was protecting me from the baby droplets of rain.

Kim JaeJoong warmed my heart just by being here, next to me, caring for me, guarding me.

Was I really in love with him?
This feeling, these feelings, are they really love?
I was this much in love? So much in love?
With him?

I gave him a sidelong glance, watching his happy face, his perfect nose, his alluring eyes, his radiant smile; if only I could see his heart.

Even if I want to say no,
Like, ‘Nonono!’
my heart –
oh my heart –
it’s beating yes.
Yesyesyesyesyes.
Over and over again.


All of a sudden. Kim JaeJoong stopped walking and I nearly tripped over his feet and my own.
“What?” I asked with a goofy smile, still thinking about how much I liked him but he wasn’t smiling back. His face was dead serious and he was looking ahead towards what I think was my house a few yards away.

I turned to the direction he was staring in and saw a figure of a man, tall and slim with black hair, a near bowl cut.

“Yoochun,” I whispered, seeing him look around the outside of my house and knocking on my door. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I looked back to Kim JaeJoong who seemed inappropriately worried. What was with him?

“Um, I suddenly thought of something I had to do,” he claimed and slipped his hand out of mine, taking his jacket off from over my head. No, don’t leave me~

“But—”
“We’ll definitely practice tomorrow though,” he assured me with an all-but-happy smile.
“Kim JaeJoong—“ I whined.
“Think about the project tonight pabo!” he said loudly, but not loud enough for Yoochun to hear.
“I’m counting on you for that A!” He gave one last wink and wave as I weakly waved back before he turned his back and ran off.

I wanted to yell at him – I really did. Shout out and scream at him to tell him not go away. To stay with me here and practice some music together, something I would never say. It would have been fun, a good idea if Yoochun saw us together. I’d really much prefer to break his heart now rather than later as he falls deeper.

I sighed, putting a hand to my forehead and shook my head.
“Things are easier said than done, BoA,” I muttered to myself and after all, it wasn’t like Kim JaeJoong and I were actual lovers. How I wish that I was lying.

I continued to walk forward, slowly and unwillingly towards my big-enough-to-be-a-mini-mansion-house.
Yoochun spun around when he heard my footsteps, the ones I didn’t want to take.

“Hi BoA. I’m so happy to see you,” he said, a gentle smile forming on his thin lips as he walked forward for a hug.
I nodded with a fake smile, patting him softly on the back. “Same here.”

Not.



I miss him already.

My warmth –

It's gone.