lover; 

Oh, how I hated this word. So pretentious, like it was always being translated from the French. The tint and taint of illicit, illegitimate affections. Dictionary meaning: a person having a love affair. I have never wanted a lover. In order to have one, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love and be loved. But to be falling in love, how dangerous can it be. I know I've fallen deep enough for it to hurt a lot if you've fall inlove with someone else. 

You see, people are in such a rush to fall in love. We base our relationship off a physical connection rather than an emotional one. We force ourselves to like someone, so we won't be alone. We settle for those that don't quite satisfy our wants and needs. Stop looking for love. Let it find you. The best things in life are worth waiting for and love is definitely one of them. Sometimes it happens overnight, sometimes it takes years but you have to have patience. Learn to love yourself so that you don't feel you need to be loved by someone else in order to feel complete. And that's one thing that woke me up to reality but I did mention about being patient and letting love find you.

I guess it did.

Kim Jongin is utterly beautiful inside out. Whatever he does makes any girl in general feel some type of way. Be it when he's on stage doing his thing, or being the adorable puppy his is offstage - he is just so attractive. Sometimes I feel like he isn't actually a human. Its impossible for one to look good in literally anything. Hair pulled back, hair down, hair tangled messily - they all look good on him. Office wear, street style, him dancing cheekily in only his boxers in the morning, nothing could possible change the fact that he is attractive. And will always be to me. I love it. And by 'it' I mean I love every single part of him and every single emotion his portrays, wether he's the tough guy I like or the adorable naive boy I adore or even when he's at his lowest, finding for my shoulder to lean on, I love him. I really do. 

It's crazy how one can make me fall so deep into this trap full of affection and love and what's better is that, I don't regret it at all. Its beautiful, the thing we have is so beautiful, its as precious as the newly grown rose in the big garden. 

But is he really the one for me? Do I deserve all of him? All kind of questions running through my brain as I looked towards the girls at the back, who had been there for the pass hour, whispering about my relationship with Jongin. Knowing I wasn't a model or anything special and i'm dating one of the hottest guy in Korea who is coincidentally in the hottest boy band. This was so tiring.

Just then, my trail of thoughts were interrupted with a light kiss on my forehead 

as I blinked out of shock. He found it so adorable, he had always thought it was weird for me to blink continously when i'm  shocked rather than jumping out of my seat or you know, do what normal people would do. I heard his deep voice chuckling before settling next to me. 

"What are you thinking about?" 

My heart skipped a beat. Two reasons; his voice was so low, it was seductive and I can't come up with a story to avoid what I was really thinking about. My mouth opened to answer, only to close it back as i grabbed on my book tighter and I was stupid enough to not know Jongin realised the small body languages as he smiled affectionately. Yea bro, totally, smiling at me that way and thinking I can answer you normaly? I began chewing onto my lip as I shook my head.

"Nothing, nothing in particular." I finally answered, smiling confidently as I brushed his fringe back gently and then cupping his face.

He smiled, that's all he did before grabbing my hand and pulling me up gently - pushing the chair under the table. I followed him the entire time, feeling alarmed yet secure, Jongin always knew what to do. Just then, we ended up in a nearby ice cream store as we both stood infront of the counter. 

"I'll have the regular, one chocolate, one-" He turned to me, "Baby?" 

I blinked repeatedly out of shock, again as he chuckled lightly. "I'll just have the same one." I too chuckled before smacking onto his chest. This jerk.

"Go and find a seat, i'll come back to you soon." Giving off a perfect grin and winked, patting lightly on my bottom as I walked off. Looking over my shoulder, I caught a glimpse of his little actions he does as he waited for the order. It was indeed possible for one to be this perfect. 

Like wise, I found a perfect for two seat and waited for the latter. He was still there. Staring at the menus at the top aimlessly and then checking on the lady who was settling the ice creams. I gulped when I saw the look in her eyes. She was obviously flirting. Her eyes sparkled everytime they made eye contact and she'd look away shyly, her cheeks covered with tint and taint of pink continuing with our ice creams.

What the actual ? Can't she see he has a girlfriend?

Though Jongin took it pretty well, ignoring the lady and then looking back at me and winking. With the insecurity of me being in a relationship with him, it wasnt satisfying. Believe me, I am dying to show how jealous I am and how much I want to scream at his face to stay at home all day and go out only with me so no one sees him but never will I have the courage to confess such matter.. 

Not until today. 

We continued conversing as per normal, though I couldn't keep my attention of the lady who has been glancing towards our side, obviously keeping an eye on him. I could cry if I wanted to. It was so fustrating and tiring and I really want him to be loved by me and me only. And it seems like that itself wasn't possible, what if I wasn't enough for him? Its pretty obvious he's aware of such attention, what if he thinks Its completely fine to take advantage of me since he's knows girls were chasing for him - wanting him. Peeling my eyes of the lady only to see Jongin staring right back at me with a smirk on his face before leaning in to kiss off the little smudge of ice cream on the side of my lips before I abruptly pushed him off. What in the world. 

_______________________________________

In the midst of writing my book, well at least I tried, nothing have been going in for the past hour. Eversince I came back to his apartment, it seemed like I've done nothing productive. Ofcourse, there were times Jongin would be spending some time studying with me, having bits of chitchat and watching irrelevant shows but then again, I've not been getting anything out of it. Nothing would absorb in, reading a specific line over and over again only leading to fustrated silent sigh as I looked up from my book. 

'Talk to Jongin when in doubt,'

I have been keeping onto my promise since the day we argued the other time. But this, this seemed a little to heavy to be let out, to talk to hm about it because this silly mouth couldn't just open and talk to him about it. Maybe it's getting a little to unappopriate to be staring at one like this. But with heavy thoughts, constantly swimming through my mind, especially when it was regarding him, how could I not. However, thinking he wouldn't realise, which he obviously did,I blanked out completely. It was so hard to form a coherent sentence like I always do. It has never been a problem - talking to him. Obviously, he's someone I love to the point thus the sacrifices I would make for him. Jumping to an exact point, he is my ing boyfriend, why the hell would it be hard to talk to him. Yet again, it was harder to say anything since he was so focused in doing what he was doing, studying I suppose and it seemed like nothing could break his concentrat-

"I don't have eyes everywhere around me to see you but I know what you're doing Gong Minji." His low deep voice echoed through my thoughts as I blinked out of shock thus looking at him shifting as he lifted his head to look at me. "Though I think that'll be pretty cool." I see him pushing his books to the side, leaning closer to tug on my hand as he slipped his around my waist. The sudden lift of the ground had me slapping his chest as he giggled, that stupid adorable puppy looking smile as he laid me slowly on the bed. His weight on me slightly, and there was something about that that made me feel... small? Like he had upper hand in this relationship, like the dominant one when it comes to everything. And something about a guy having guy having power in whatever he does makes him so attractive. And that is exactly Jongin.

"Again." He said, his voice was so low and seductive in a way that he doesn't do it on purpose. It's just him.

"What?"

"You're in your deep thoughts again and you're not telling me anything."

It should be a sin the way his hands were brushing lightly on my waist and not forgetting his eyes. It was too beautiful. "I just, uhm, I don't know what to say." His eyebrow raised, taunting me as I sighed, this prick. Here goes nothing.  

 Talking about how I feel was the last resort. Never have I pushed my selfish feelings to him, I've never wanting him feeling responsible about it nor I want him to feel pressured too. But seeing the way his eyes, gleaming with intense curiousity and slight annoyance, how could I ignore it.

"I've been feeling pressured." The sense of urgency spread his being, thinking it was all about him I fell that way. "And no, Jongin, it's about you. It's me. For the past few days, I felt really insecure with you, like i'm not enough, I don't fit in well the whole 'skinny legs, big s' category, nor I fit the 'double eyelid, perfect features' too. It's just, I totally appreciate it the way you are, just that, I've never felt good about myself. I can't stand looking in the mirror and then horrible throughout the day, mindset totally focused on how to make myself look better when I see you. I get nervous. And it's crazy because it's the butterflies in the stomach kind of nervous, i'm  nervous about the way people see me, about the way you would see me and then it leads to me seeing my own reflection and thinking why the hell am I so ug-"

"So you're saying I don't appreciate you enough? You're saying this anxiety you're facing is all because of me?" His weight shifted slightly, this time pressing against me harder and the burning flame in his eyes made me wonder if it was even the right choice for to tell him the truth but eitherway, it was too late.

"Babe no. It's not that. It's just-" And another interuption.

". I would've buy thousands of flowers, I would've kiss you everyday, everytime we meet, I would've constantly tell you you're beautiful. I would've done every single ing thing for you if you actually bother to tell me-"

"People have been talking okay!" ing hell, I wasn't suppose to blow up. Pushing him off me and as he stumbled back, we both ended up facing each other. "I told you repeatedly, this isn't about the way you treat me. People around me see me and look at me as if im trash. Is it that hard for you to wait till I explain everything? I needed time, and it was indeed my fault for not telling you. We promised and Jongin, I love you so much and you need to know that. I'm not being like this because of you and never had it been because of you. It's them, the girls who constantly chase for you, the girls who wants you on their bed, doing the things that I would probably shoot the out of you. I am so crazily insecure and jealous that it's making me feel completely worthless and ugly." 

Cliche but I ended up breathless, ignoring the big lump in my throat to wait for his reply. However, none came out but a question that could've made me push him off the window. 

"You done?" 

"With you, yes." 

Another cliche scene you people might expect. He pulled me once I was about to leave. The agony and anger I felt was indescribable but then again I wasn't given a chance to spend some time alone because spending time and being alone was never in Jongin's dictionary.