just reminder. all the medical explanation here as well as psychological one are all made up. i'm too lazy to browse or ask my fab med friends like lina, mary or chella. it will spoil the plot and i'm just too lazy. hehe. not sorry though

      “I didn’t say he killed Junho.” Yoochun calmly counters the angry student. “Yet.” He stops his car. Red light. “I had told you Junsu decided he had had enough with his twin. He applied to different middle school.”

Changmin glares sharper.

      “His parents agreed since Junsu wasn’t as smart or as athletic as Junho. They sent Junsu to different middle school. Junho was enraged when he knew. He demanded a transfer to Junsu’s school and made his parent did what he wanted. He studied in Junsu’s middle school three months later. During that three months, the twins’ arguments got worse. Junsu openly pushed his twin away whenever their parents asked them to sit close or to play together.”

Changmin breathes deep.

      “My friend said something interesting before we ended the call.” Yoochun drives again. “He said Junho’s attitudes are similar to those who experience or has tendency of twins’ complex.”

      “What is that?”

      “A state where you need to take control over your twin. Like being possessive or being the one Junsu obey to. He asked some of Junho’s childhood friends and they gave in more or less similar answer. Junho never let junsu be a member of other group. Junho would pick the group with least members and Junsu must be included in it. The fewer the better.”

Changmin’s brain works fast storing the flash information he just got.

      “Junho didn’t let Junsu play with other friends too. He would decide who could play with Junsu and who must not. It was almost like Junsu had no friend in kindergarten and elementary school.”

They nearly reach Changmin’s block. Yoochun pulls his car over and turns off the engine.

      “Junho was kinda possessive to Junsu. He saw junsu as his property. Ji hyo once fought with Junho because one simple misunderstanding. She kissed Junsu’s cheek saying thank you for something and Junho saw it. He hit Ji hyo and left several bruises on her. Ji hyo hit and kicked back. Junsu was trapped in the middle. When the parents found them, again, Junsu was grounded and Junho was tended. The Kims and the Songs were in not good relation after that and all was blamed to Junsu.”

That woman.. that guest who made Junsu laugh and joke freely was..

      “Local witnesses said they saw Junho tugging or dragging Junsu to the lake the afternoon before Junho died. That’s all. Junsu was somewhere else when people caught Junho’s floating body. He was in his teacher’s house. Taking extra lesson as detention for the previous day’s caught up cheating.”

Changmin freezes. Can’t find words to say. He’s waiting for the final cut.

      “Either Junsu pushed Junho to the lake and left him afterward or Junho jumped to the lake himself. The police assumed Junho was slipped and had trouble swimming because Junho was known as a good swimmer.”

      “Y-you mean.. Junsu.. pushed him?”

      “Or Junho killed himself. Either way, Junsu confessed to you he killed Junho.”

      “He didn’t.” Changmin shakes his head fiercely. “He didn’t kill anyone, detective. If he did, he would have killed me for asking such painful question.”

Junsu wasn’t home for ten days. It’s similar to slow death for the guilty Changmin.

Changmin sketches waiting for Junsu. It’s been his habit these past weeks. Sitting on the couch or the floor after tidying up things a bit. He mops the floor regularly as he prefers to sit on it doing his school works or sketching like now. He busies himself while waiting for Junsu. his first wish is to always have breakfast and dinner with Junsu because he wants Junsu to gain weight and never experience nosebleed anymore. Junsu is still thin but he doesn’t look that pale. Junsu was silent when Changmin voiced his first wish. He just blinked and sighed.

The sound of someone opening the door brings Changmin’s head up from the focused concentration.

      “Hi.” Junsu greets. “Anything new in school? Jonghyun didn’t beat you?”

Changmin returns his eyes and hands at work after flashing short smile.

      “So so. The try out took all day.”

      “Again?”

      “Tell those teachers that one try out is enough.” He grumbles, hand moves fast on the page he is working on.

Junsu hangs his long coat and walks to bathroom, washing up. He reappears with two glasses of water. He places one on the table in front of Changmin.

      “I met Detective Park today. He came to school and took me home.” Changmin says hiding his face with the sketching book.

Junsu drinks his water. He takes a seat on the couch, filling the other empty side.

      “Anything important? He found your father?” Junsu rests his back.

      “Stuffs.”

      “Do I need to know?” Junsu senses Changmin’s stiffness. “I don’t have to hear every detail of your life, hero. I’m not your parents and I’m sure you hate someone like that.”

      “It’s about you.” changmin’s head goes lower. He doesn’t sketch anymore. He plays the pencil restlessly instead. He just needs excuse not to meet Junsu’s eyes when he asks.

      “Me? Must be something bad because you look upset.”

      “I’m not!” Changmin’s head snaps upright. “I told you several times you are not a murderer.”

Junsu smiles, it never fails to make his inside flutters whenever Changmin says the line.

      “You know you can ask anything bothering you.” He assures Changmin.

      “But.. it sounds.. painful and bad.”

      “Hm..

      “You said you loved your twin.”

      “I did and I do. He’s my twin. We shared the same everything.”

Changmin bites his lips. His eyes look everywhere but Junsu.

      “Detective Park said.. your twin.. was..

      “He was the best in everything he did. Everyone loved him.” Junsu keeps on same calm expression. “He’s the teachers’ favorite pet, the leader in baseball team, the eye candy for parents and friends. He’s everything I wasn’t and am not.”

      “That’s not true. You’re better.” Changmin denies.

Junsu raises his brow playfully.

      “Have you met him, hero? I bet you’d be charmed by him the second your eyes see him.”

Changmin shakes his head.

      “No, I won’t. Living with Chae rim has taught me many things with appearance and sweet talk.” He states. “You are different, Junsu.”

      “Thank you.”

      “But.” Changmin purses his lips again. “Detective park said.. your twin was cruel to you.”

      “I had told you we argued a lot.” Junsu moves a bit. “children bickering and arguing, it’s normal. Sometimes it’s loud and my parent got annoyed. That’s all.”

How sweet.

      “He.. didn’t beat you?”

Junsu freezes. Changmin catches the changed expressions on Junsu.

      “What happened, Junsu?”

      “Nothing.” Junsu answers in cold voice after a while. “Detective Park must hear from the wrong source. Junho didn’t mean to beat me or harm me. He was just angry at my recklessness.”

So it’s true. His twin manhanded Junsu.

      “I’m sorry.” Changmin apologizes. “I told you it’s painful and bad to hear.” Changmin puts his sketch book he gets from Junsu on the table. He is not sure what to say next as the cold expressions stay on Junsu’s face. “He said.. People witnessed your twin and you were together near the lake before.. Junho was found. I told him you would never kill anyone. You couldn’t. You are not murderer.”

      “You really want to know?” Junsu’s icy voice is new on Changmin’s hearing sense. He never hears Junsu uses this very thick cold tone before. Not this thick and low.

Changmin braces himself and nods.

      “You said you don’t care but you want to know.”

      “I..

      “You need to convince yourself that I didn’t do it, don’t you?” Junsu’s eyes are so dark with emptiness and ices. “I told you I killed him. I left him alone in the lake eventhough he called for me not to go. He screamed my name when he jumped to the lake, forbidding me from leaving but I left. I left him. I killed him. I should have stayed there and did what he asked. I shouldn’t be that selfish. I caused his death. I killed him. Now you know.”

Changmin gasps.

      “He jumped into the lake because of me, because I denied his wish. I made everyone lose Junho. I made my parents suffer in unbearable torture because of that. They lost their most beloved son because of my stupidity. It’s worse than taking one’s life. I killed everyone’s happiness. My own happiness too.” Junsu is as cold as iceberg. “I hope you will not ask me about Junho anymore, Min. I killed him. That’s the truth.”

Changmin grabs Junsu’s hand in time. Junsu stands up from the coach, intending to leave the broken atmosphere. Changmin’s hand stops his feet movement.

      “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Changmin begs. “I won’t ask anymore. I promise.” Junsu’s hand is unmoved in his hold. It’s as solid as rock and the skin is cold.

      “You should reconsider your wish to stay with me.” Junsu eyes look at his room’s door. “I don’t want your exams be affected with what you hear more later from detective Park.”

      “I won’t listen to him.” Changmin declares. “I’m sorry, Junsu.” He squeezes the hand to show he means it.

      “You should listen to Yunho. I’m surprised he hasn’t moved you out after everything detective Park found.”

      “Yunho doesn’t know.” Changmin stands. “Detective Park has promised me he wouldn’t tell Yunho about it.” changmin wants to see Junsu’s face. The man stands back facing him.

      “He has the right to know. He’s your social advisor.”

      “Junsu! I don’t care. I don’t care. You didn’t kill your twin!”

Dinner is forgotten that night. Junsu couldn’t swallow any food and Changmin is busy apologizing. He is worried Junsu will leave the flat and him alone for days like before. He doesn’t want it happen.

Long past midnight when Changmin is convinced Junsu will not sneak out and has fallen asleep in his bedroom with door wide open (he can’t lose Junsu anymore) Junsu meets his unleashed nightmare. He sees Junho in his sleep. Junho extended his hand to him, ordering him not to go to Ms. Ayla’s house for detention. They were still wearing their school uniform.

      “Don’t go, Susu. You must stay here and play with me.”

      “That’s enough, Junho. I’m not listening to your fake threat anymore.”

      “I’m not threating you, Susu. I don’t want that girl takes you away from me.”

      “You want Michelle too? you’ve got everyone in your little finger. Why can’t you let me have a friend? Michelle is nice and kind to me.”

      “She just uses you to get to me, Susu. I want none else but you. We‘re fated to be together since we were born.”

      “You’re sick!”

Junho laughed dangerously.

      “No use to resist me. You only have me, Susu.”

      “Whatever. I must go to Ms. Ayla’s house now. You made me get detention again.”

      “I told you it’s useless to have friend but me. You have to pay for ignoring me.”

      “I’m going!

      “Don’t go. You’ll kill me if you go there and meet that slu**Michelle.”

      “You do that.”

      “I’ll jump into the lake and die if you don’t stay!”

      “You can swim better than anyone in school.” Junsu had stepped away.

      “DON’T LEAVE ME, JUNSU!”

      “HELP, JUNSU!”

      “SU! I’M DROWNING.”

Junsu coughs in difficulty and wakes up from his nightmare. He feels something cold running from his nose. Blood. Again. He coughs some more with hand covering his mouth and nose. He tries to get up slowly to stop the cough. He needs to go to bathroom to wash the blood away.

Changmin hears the sound of coughing and running water. He squirms and forces his eyes to open and see. What time is it? Huh? Where’s the clock? He hears no cough but the water still running. The sound of splashed water is heard right after. Changmin rubs his eyes. Is everything okay? He is about to go back to sleep when the sound of running water stops.

Silence.

Another cough.

Changmin’s eyes lazily open and his half sleeping mind strikes protest. He gets up to see why Junsu coughs. He goes to bathroom groggily and his eyes widen in shock. Junsu, bending in front of the sink. The tap lets a small flow of running water. Blood. In junsu’s hand. He coughs. Blood again. From his nose. Changmin curses and rushes.

      “Junsu!”

He holds the shaking shoulders. The blood runs mildly. Thin but coming out on and on.

      “Ice! Ice!” Changmin shrieks as he pulls Junsu to his room with force. Why is Junsu shaking? “Stay still. I’ll get some ice cubes.”

Junsu tries to move his hand aborting Changmin’s leaving in rush. He realizes his body is shaking when he sees his hand.

      “Don’t move.” Changmin almost cries. “It will get worse if you move a lot.” He flies out of the flat after grabbing his old worn out jacket. He forgets to put on shoes. He forgets to bring money. He just runs out of the flat, climbing down the stair till the first floor and runs back upstairs to get money. He cries while he runs. Tears stain his cheek and hand as he wipes it from his face. It’s unbearable to see Junsu in blood. Nosebleed again. Why? Why? Is it because he asked those questions? The local street seller is shocked seeing him. She gives a lot of ice cubes because the tall boy doesn’t stop crying. The boy runs fast after he bows twice saying thank you. She knows it must be urgent family matters. In this neighborhood where low economical people live and struggle to survive, she has seen all kind of desperation and effort.

      “Press this.” Changmin forces the ices on Junsu’s white face. “You are still shaking.”

Junsu coughs. His voice is jailed somewhere. His stomach is burning with stinging kick and the nosebleed just hasn’t stopped.

      “Don’t work tomorrow.” The tears are fresh on Changmin’s cheeks. “Let’s go to see doctor. I beg you, Junsu.”

Junsu shakes his head weakly. He doesn’t need doctor. He knows what’s wrong with his system. It’s not the first time.

      “You failed my birthday wish.” The tears get thicker. “And you said you’d grant me two. I just said one and you failed.” He sobs soundlessly.

      “I’ll be fine.” Junsu insists in broken voice. “I’ll just need rest.”

      “You are not fine!” changmin screams in more tears. “Look at your shaking body and nosebleed. Look at your white ghost face.”

      “I.. just had nighmare. It won’t last long.”

      “Go see doctor, Junsu.” Changmin doesn’t bother to hide the wet eyes. “Do it for me, please. I can’t go to school knowing you bleeding like this.”

      “It’s  just nosebleed. Nothing serious.” Junsu wants to reach changmin and erase his tears but he’s weak. The stinging cuts in his stomach don’t allow him to move much. “And we can’t afford to pay for hospital bill.”

      “I have money from the refund fee.”

      “No, hero. It’s alright.” His hand moves cupping Changmin’s crying face. “A nineteen strong tall young man doesn’t cry for something small like nosebleed.” He teases in between the pain in his stomach. Changmin drops his all pride and breaks into hugging Junsu. Junsu is weak and still slightly shaking. He doesn’t care if Junsu will hate him because he breaks the rule of no hugging Junsu.

      “You fool.” He sobs. “I was scared. I woke up and saw you bleed.” He cries. “Do you know how much pain on my chest is when I saw your nosebleed? Go to doctor with me, Junsu. Please.” Changmin rocks Junsu in his hold, uncaring whether any of their neighbors would hear his loud voice or not. Junsu is the light in his dark sour days. It scares him than any promising prison to see Junsu with blood running from his nose.

And Junsu weakly hugs him back.

      “It doesn’t bleed anymore, hero. You can release me.” He coughs.

No. Changmin can’t.

      “You failed my wish. You must pay the fine.”

      “Min..” Junsu coughs more.

      “You must go see doctor with me tomorrow. That's your fine, Junsu. Please.”

Junsu’s shaking state gradually stops in Changmin’s strong embrace. Just like Changmin made Junsu grant him two wishes, he doesn’t let go of his hug till Junsu agrees for a medical treatment. They sleep after four when Junsu is totally free from nose bleed and his face gets some color from warm water Changmin boils in the kitchen. They just have water. No tea or coffee. Sugar is expensive. They have salt since it’s more needed to help them eat any food than sugar. Changmin has some candies in his school bag but Junsu refuses them. The nose bleed must have some effect on his taste bud.

Changmin wakes up earlier than Junsu. He must. He wears his jacket over his pajamas, locks the flat’s door and runs to the nearest payphone from the building. He needs help to bring Junsu to hospital. No, he can’t come to store and meet Jaejoong. He doesn’t want to call Yunho either. Yonho hasn’t known about Junsu’s twin. He needs to call Yoochun. He prays hard that Yoochun will answer his call.

      “Greyfair police department.”

      “Good morning, sir. Is detective park in?”

His voice must sound awful because the officer quickly shouts across calling one name.

      “Detective Park hasn’t come yet. It’s still six in the morning.”

      “W-where can I find him, sir?”

The officer doesn’t say a word for thirty seconds. Changmin hears rustling sounds and footsteps. Changmin waits with thorny heart. He crosses his fingers, hoping with bitten lips and gritted teeth.

      “Are you changmin?” A low whisper suddenly pops on the line.

      “Y-yes, sir. Shim Changmin. I was once arrested in your quarter, sir”

Another rustling sound is filling the line. Changmin doesn’t know how long the payphone will hold his coins.

      “I’m going to say his number but you have to be quick. I shouldn’t give personal number for civilian.”

      “Yes, sir.”

The officer says the number rapidly and repeats it before he ends the line. changmin hastily inserts more coins to call Yoochun. His small changes isn’t much left.

      “Hello?” A groggy deep voice greets.

      “Detective yoochun. It’s Changmin. Can I ask for your help?” Changmin yells. He has to speak before the phone goes off.

      “Huh? Who?

      “Changmin. Shim Changmin. I need Lee Hyukjae’s number or address. This is emergency, please.”

The phone goes dead. Changmin inserts coin to redial. This time, the detective has been fully awake.

      “Sir.” Changmin goes straight to the point. “This is Changmin. I really need your help. Can you please give me Lee Hyukjae’s number or address?”

      “It’s barely six and you just ruined my rare good sleep.”

      “I’m sorry.” Changmin moves his feet, fidgeting.

      “What’s wrong with Junsu?”

      “Can’t tell you here, sir. I call from a payphone. My coins..

The line goes dead again. Calling to personal number in a cellphone is indeed pricey. Cahngmin inserts his last coin. Yoochun answers at the first ring.

      “I’ll drop by during lunch break today. This is Lee Hyukjae’s number and address.”

Changmin scribbles fast, racing with the ticking seconds before the line goes dead. He goes to one small coffee shop to exchange for coins and calls the Lee’s residence.

Lee Hyukjae arrives thirty minutes later in worried face. He climbs the stairs faster than Changmin. he rushes to Junsu’s room and sees how pale Junsu is himself.

      “He woke up last night and coughed. I heard his cough and went to see him. He had nosebleed for quite a while. He’s shaking too and refused to be taken to hospital.” Changmin clutches his jacket.

      “Always.” Lee Hyukjae scoffs. “I’ll call my friend from medical major. Don’t you have school today?”

Changmin shakes his head.

      “I can’t go to school.” He declines the order. “I need to know what’s wrong with him.”

      “Okay. Stay here and alert me when he’s awake. I need to make some calls.”

Changmin obeys.

Hyukjae calls his mother and the friend from medical major. He goes out buying some warm soup and bread and comes back with his friend.

      “He’s awake.” Changmin informs. “He’s scolding me why I don’t go to school.”

      “You’d better get some bath.” Hyukjae smiles. “I bought some breakfast.”

Junsu hates hospital. He despises everything about it. The white coat, the typical sanitizer smell, the eerie quietness, the people buzzing in every aisle, the everything. It reminds him of the moment he was taken to see Junho’s dead body.

      “I called the store. Two days off. Don’t you dare going working or I’ll tell manager Jae you are sick.” Hyukjae eyes the pale Junsu and carries his words with heavy weight. “I cleared your class schedule for two days too. your paper is done and you just have four classes so far. No excuse.”

      “Why do people make a fuss over small thing?” Junsu sighs. “I was just having a bad sleep.”

      “Then get good sleep for two days. Donghae is meeting the doctor in charge to discuss about your recent condition. I heard about internal cuts in your kidney or something. Care to tell some jokes about it?”

Junsu goes paler. Hyukjae’s face hardens.

      “You never tell me about the wound in your stomach. You just told me about your nose bleed.”

      “I don’t remember having such symptoms.” Junsu looks away.

      “Nevermind. You’d better explain it to your Changmin. He looked worse than you when he heard Donghae asked the doctor about it.”

Changmin!

The four of them go back home to Junsu’s flat at noon. Changmin lets the two men (Hyukjae and Donghae) engage Junsu into small light conversation.

      “The constant nosebleed is caused by the sheer undetected wound in one part of your brain system. It usually is a long after effect of badly tended head injury. Have you ever got hit in the head before? I mean, some time ago?” Donghae asks.

      “He had.” Hyukjae says. “I took him to hospital once and the doctor said the same.”

      “Same thing with your stomach problem. They detected dots of scratched cuts on your gastric or colon. Not really clear.”

Changmin closes his eyes. He has some rough ideas how Junsu got the internal wound.

      “Is it dangerous?” Hyukjae cringes. “Should we do some thorough check-up?”

      “I suggest so.” Donghae agrees.

      “And psychiatrist would help too.”

      “Hyukkie!” Junsu kicks his best friend.

Hyukjae laughs. He is glad Junsu is not that pale anymore. they stay for an hour more and leave the flat because Junsu must rest. Changmin hasn’t said anything since their arrival from the hospital. He has to thank Hyukjae for his quick decision calling Donghae. They went to hospital with Donghae’s old car. Old but helped them a lot.

      “I have paid my fine.” Junsu breaks the icy silence. “Would you not sulk now? See? I told you I just need rest.”

Changmin comes closer. He sits near Junsu’s feet.

      “Perhaps it will be much better for you to stay somewhere else for your final exams, hero.”

      “No. If you are getting rid of me now, it’s too late, Junsu. I won’t go.” Changmin rejects.

      “Silly. You skipped school today. If Yunho finds out about your excuse of not attending school..

      “He knows.”

      “Hm? Yunho knows what?”

      “He knows about.. Why I cut school today.” He was about to say Yunho knows about Changmin’s feeling to Junsu.

      “Come here.” Junsu pats the space beside him. “I don’t bite highschooler.”

Changmin crawls to the space called for him. he doesn’t expect Junsu would drape his arm onto his shoulder and pulls him close.

      “Thank you.” Junsu whispers warmly. “For taking care of me, Shim Changmin.”

Changmin shivers from the closeness and the low warm voice coated with breath sent to his ears. It caresses his senses and his hair rises hearing the spoken words in low tone.

      “I should be the one looking after you, hero, but you take over my responsibility.”

      “Junsu..” is all Changmin can utter in his dazzled state.

      “Thank you, hero. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Because you give me reason to be fine.”

And Changmin never thinks that a simple sincere kiss on his hair will melt him like heated butter on a frying pan. All his nerves is frozen and melted at the same time. His worries, his fear, his restlessness, his heavy heart, his troubled mind, all gone by a simple sincere kiss. He loses his ability to respond to the affectionate gesture.