July 7, 2010

I won’t accept it. This can’t be happening.

No.

It’s not happening.

“It’s okay sweetie. You’ll get through this.” My mom says.

“No it’s not true. I can’t…”

“Just think about it a little bit, please.”

I go to my room with the envelope. I lay there in bed, hugging my pillow.

Me, 11 weeks pregnant? It makes no sense.

But it does… “It takes time for your hormones to change so when you took your last pregnancy exam they probably still hadn’t changed.” That’s how the doctor explained it to me.

Dammit. What have I done? The images of that night flash before me. A chill runs down my spine. I gave myself to him, all of me. Is that why I hate myself so much?

Hoya, a name I have sworn to never think of again, comes to my mind.

I’m pregnant with his child? Our child? I have a human being inside me, created of our love?

Love.

Ha.

Is that what it was?

My heart aches deeply and a wound that I swore was healing is now bleeding once again because of that name. Hoya.

But this isn’t about Hoya.

This is about me.

Hoya isn’t anyone to me.

I need to think of myself and this child. I can’t kill this small, helpless creature. It hasn’t even had the chance to see the world. It shouldn’t be responsible for the mistakes I’ve made.

I’m sorry baby; I didn’t want you to have the same fate as me, to be born without a father. I’ll do whatever I can to make up for it, but I’m sorry that you won’t get to meet him.  But that man, your father, isn’t a man. He’s a petty boy who can’t get past his own attitude. I can’t ask of a boy to raise a child with me. Begging for him to come back, that certainly isn’t happening either.

July 23, 2010

Today I get to see my baby for the first time. It’s so small. I almost cry at the sound of its heart beat.

September 12, 2010

Today my mom knitted this baby’s first sweater. She’s going to teach me to knit too so I can also make you some, my love. You’re going to be born in a very cold month. I’m sorry I have no control over that.

November 29, 2010

It’s getting really cold outside. It’s a good thing your room is really warm.

Today I met your grandfather for the first time. He’s an amazing man. I am glad to be his daughter. That is why I can’t let you meet your own father, you’d be disappointed.

December 25, 2010

You’re getting heavy little boy! Not to mention you keep kicking me! You’re still not born but you already have many presents under the tree. Your grandparents love you too much; you’re a lucky little boy! Your umma was lucky enough to be remembered by your uncle Tao. He promises to visit soon.

January 9, 2011

I wake up in an unfamiliar room, feeling immensely tired. “What time is it?” I ask.

“11 in the morning. How are you feeling?” My mom says.

“Like I’m in a dream, a slightly painful one.”

“Your dad called a while ago. He says he’ll take the next flight back from Korea. He’s dying to meet his grandson. Have you decided on a name yet?”

“Yes. Daehyun. Cho Daehyun.”

“Good morning. How are you feeling?” the nurse comes in.

“Ah I’m fine. When can I see my baby?”

“After breakfast.”

Breakfast tastes like hospital food, but I have to eat to gain my strength back. Giving birth to Daehyun was a lot harder than I expected. I really thought I was going to die.

The nurse brings Daehyun after breakfast, as promised. He’s small and delicate. I’m scared he might break if I hold him wrong. My baby. He was definitely worth the pain.

Don’t worry baby, your mom will always be here to protect you. His eyes are still closed but I’m sure they’ll be lovely once he opens them.

March 27, 2011

His cries wake me up. I look at the time, 11:30 A.M. I get up and walk over to the crib. Good little boy. Other than the fact that woke up at 3 in the morning, he slept pretty well and so did I. I carefully pick him up. He doesn’t stink and he slept well. He must be hungry.

I take him with me to the kitchen and I boil some water. I find a note on the table from my mom.

“They called me to work a bit early. I wasn’t sure when you’d wake up so I left this just in case.”

I add the formula to the bottle and shake it. I test it to make sure it’s not too hot or still cold. I’m feeding Daehyun when the doorbell rings. We’ll that’s strange. Maybe she forgot something. I open the door.

“Tao?”

:O OH NOES ITS TAO!

RUN AWAY!

JK. If i had Tao in front of me I'd probably stare at him with my mouth open. 

Still better than my reaction to Hoya though. *dies on the spot*