Today on the back of the studio room, I was sitting on the couch with my manager. He was reading something on his phone and left me on my own. Not that I complained anyway. Truthfully, I was more than glad that he ignored me like this. While I was lowering my head and pretending to read my music score sheet, I was having my own happiness.

Looking at you.

Well, maybe stole a glance here and there secretly at you was the more precise description. I couldn’t make it too obvious anyway.

You were on your seat in front of mixing desk and were busy preparing for my recording. I could only see your back (and occasionally the side of your face when you turned your head to talk you your co-producer). This was exactly how I started my curiosity towards you eight years ago – by looking at your broad back. Back then, I was a new solo singer who was about to record my first album. Here in the same studio, I met you – the music director who would direct me.

I found myself falling in love with you, after numerous hours I spent in this studio with you.

I love you even after I saw the gross stubble on your chin (when you’re too lazy to shave for days) or the way you drool when you sleep. I love you even though you don’t love me back. And here I was, sitting on the same couch like eight years ago. Staring at the same broad back belonged to the same person like eight years ago. With my heart was beating for you, just like eight years ago.

I was counting the steps between us. I was on the couch and you were on the mixing desk. Not very far. But because you could not see my feeling, the distance between us, now seemed very very far.

“Hyesung-shi? Are you ready?” You finally called me and I startled a bit.

I looked up from the music score sheets in my hand that I’ve been pretending to read this half hour. So I could listen to your voice and no one would see how I smile just because I was in the same room with you. And then I couldn’t help but did the best yet the worst decision of my life – I looked straight to your eyes. For a second I let myself being drowned in your eyes before I gathered all my acting ability and nodded as my answer.

“Yes, I’m ready.”

I should get an award for my acting. Because even though I love you for more than eight years now, I could hide it perfectly.  

I got up on my feet and walked to the recording booth. I might look calm, but my heart was in frenzy. I was the happiest and also hurt the worst when I see you. Because you couldn’t see that I was longing for you, now I felt that the empty space between us was like hundreds of little blades in a line. Lining straight from your skin to mine. Stabbing me in a most tormenting way possible.

And I feel it. The stabbing.

Every single time I see you.

I fixed my eyes on the ground but I couldn't look up now. Because I didn’t want give it away my secret.

On your cue, I started to sing the first verse. And I closed my eyes when I began to picture you in my head. As a ballad singer, my choice of songs weren’t really far from sad and gloomy tone and separation themed. And I was an excellent ballad singer. People always praised me that my voice suits the slow song the best and I could embrace the gloomy ambience very well.

It was as if I was singing my own sadness. It was as if I bled out my own heart just like the lyric said.

Little did they know, it was the truth. When I sang about missing someone, it was about you. When I sang about I couldn’t love somebody else but you, it was about you. When I sang that I regretted the way I didn’t meet you any sooner, it was about you. When I sang about my undying love even though you’re not mine, it was about you.

In another life, my teeth and tongue would speak aloud what until now I've only sung.

Because I would die to make you mine. I didn’t mind even though it bleeds me dry each and every time. I would come back 1000 times. For sure.

You can make me wait forever. Or push me away and tell me never. I didn't mind it all. I promise I would come back 1000 times.

Sometimes I thought that maybe you could see my true feeling. On some occasions when I let myself staring at you for more than one second or when I was too drunk I would be all clingy on your side, you would stare back at me in questioning expression. Your deep gaze felt like they’re trying to rip open my layer. But I wouldn’t lose on you. Even though you asked me if I love you, I wouldn’t tell you.

I never asked you to return my feeling. All I ever wanted was another chance in another life. Until that time, just treat me as your friend in this life. Talk to me like a good friend might and I would do the same. But I wouldn't mean it.

Because this was my choice. It was my choice to be trapped in this one sided love. Because love is a cage. And I was willingly torturing myself by loving you secretly like this. These words on a page – these sad lyrics I sang heartily – they carried the pain. They don't free it.

This was my selfish wish. I would never disturb you or your marriage in this life. I would live my life being a good person. But don’t blame if every day and every night (no, make it on my every breath) I pray for a second chance for us in another life. And in that life, I would definitely meet you again. I would make sure that I find you faster than her, so I could make you fall in love with me. In another life, I prayed I wouldn't need to console myself as I resign to release you.

Because I would die to make you mine. I didn’t mind even though it bleeds me dry each and every time. I would come back 1000 times. For sure.

You can make me wait forever. Or push me away and tell me never. I didn't mind it all. I promise I would come back 1000 times.

Again and again, I let it go. No matter I wanted to scream out my true feeling towards you, I covered my mouth. And didn't let a single word slip out. I wouldn't want tell you. Nothing could be worse than the risk of losing what I don't have now.

And if I could buy the minute, though it was only looking on your back on this cold studio room, I didn’t mind. Was it so bad if I want to cry out? Was it so bad if I regret the fact that you’re not a gay?

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A/N

The story based on Sara Bareilles' song titled "1000 Times". The song is sooooooo sad, I feel gloomy after I write this.. TT__TT (you may listen to that song after this, maybe ^^)