“Choongjae, where’s Pilkyo?”. I couldn’t find him after dinner.

“He went to bed, Hyung”

The others were in our dorm’s living room. Chatted and laughed like usual. I walked to our room and found that it was dark. Bed’s empty. Only one place where he’d must be at. I glanced at our bedroom closet door. It was closed. And quiet.

Slowly, I approached the closet. My hand reached it, but stopped in the middle. I felt the urge to call his name. But I walked back instead. I sat on our bed and just kept silent.

My sight never left that closet door. It was still closed. And quiet.

I thought I knew what he was thinking right now. And I sighed. My heart sank as I remembered our kiss last night.

Well, it was more like I kissed him.

But he never pushed me away. Not even said anything later when we woke up this morning. And today we were doing our schedule with him seemed on accustomed mood.

But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just did something stupid that made me lost everything.

I sat on our bed for I didn’t know how long. I was getting frustrated for I had no idea when he would eventually come out. I mustered every last courage I had to stand up and walked toward our bedroom closet.

“Pilkyo?” I whispered before slide the closet door and flicked on the light.

I didn’t expect the view inside. Rather than found Hyesung in troubled state, I found him sitting there and looked up at me quite patiently.

“You’re here,” I said because I didn’t have anything to say.

He just nodded and shifted his gaze down his jeans. He held his legs up to his chest while his hands were clasped on his knees.

I get down and sat on the door, looking at him but still didn’t know what to say. So I just blurted out whatever. “Were you hiding from me?”

“Nope. I wasn’t hiding. I just need someplace private to think.” He answered slowly, still looking at his jeans.

“Were you not stiff sitting here for a long time?” Again. Dumb words.

To my surprises, he chuckled. “A little bit, yeah”, but he still didn’t dare to look at me.

I wanted to ask him, badly. A question that was dreading me inside while I was sitting on the bed in the dark. But I just couldn’t bring myself to.

Argh, screw this. “It’s about the kiss?”

He looked at me and I was startled me to see the look on his eyes. He was surprisingly calm, and it sent horror to me. I preferred angry and explosive Hyesung. At least I could make out what was on his mind. Now, I was lost. I didn’t have any slightest idea what was he thinking.

“You want me to apologize?” I asked. My heart sank deeper.

“Are you sorry?”

“Not even a millisecond.” I said without thinking. “Not even you kill me.” I added, because it was the truth.

He sighed. Again he looked at his jeans. “You haven’t thought about it, do you?” he whispered softly. “And here I am, getting so confused by myself.” He closed his eyes for seconds then breathed slowly.

I shifted closer to him. Held his hands in my hands. If only this closet wasn’t so small.

He opened his eyes immediately. He tried to let go his hands but I held them even more firmly.

“I kissed you because I like you. What to confuse over?”

“I want to be straight and be myself.” I lost.

“And, what would we have? A relationship? A journey? A future? What would you call us?” he continued. He looks straight and deep to my eyes. Like he was trying hard to see me through.

“I don’t know what to call us. But I won’t budge. For all I know is I want to do everything with you. Eat, sleep, wake up, talking to, on stage, wherever I am, wherever I’ll be, I want you there.”

“You and your world. Do you even want to tell people about us?”

“No. Not plan to.” There’s no point anyway.

“Junghyuk-ah..” he warned tiredly.

“Pilkyo-ah..”

He fell silent. I thought about leaving him alone. For this night at least. I could try again tomorrow.

He leaned back. And smiled. I was dumbfounded. Maybe my sight fooled me since it was so dark. But then he squeezed my hands. And said

“I think you won.”