Warnings:- There is the use of profanity in this chapter. Alot of profanity...lol

The Emergence of Fears

Chapter IX

“Yesungie hyung, what’s wrong?” Kyuhyun asked gently, holding all his emotions back, wanting only to comfort Yesung in that moment, trying his hardest not to think about the fact that it always had to be like that, that even after so long he was still forced to have these conservations, that Yesung still refused to come to him.

All that was secondary.

 All that mattered was that Yesung was alright, that he could help him, that the light in those beautiful almond shaped eyes that tortured Kyuhyun once, made a glorious return. He could deal with his own issues and problems later. Yesung came first then and Kyuhyun suspected he would come first always. The look in his eyes was downright scary and Kyuhyun had to do something to fix it. Knowing Yesung, he was sure it had to be something that was messing with his mind. That was a very dangerous situation, not just for Yesung but for Kyuhyun and the livelihood of their relationship.

 Kyuhyun sometimes thinks he feared Yesung's mind more than he did any other place on earth. It was such a dark scary place with the potential to do so much harm. He was desperate to help pull him out, to get that brightness back into his eyes. To drag his stubborn beloved, kicking and screaming if he had to, away from that poisonous darkness he called a mind. Just the thought of the twisted place gave Kyuhyun shivers. Rationally he knew it was the centralized thought system of all humans etc, but after his experiences he could ever thing of it as a villainous darkness that tried to slaughter his and Yesung's happiness.

“Nothing” Yesung responded in an equally calm voice, though it’s not gentle and tender as Kyuhyun’s had been instead just more monotone and robotic than anything else, eyes blinking, face perhaps trying for a dismissive pull, sadly lacking the energy to even fake dismissive  half smile.

Yesung was too tired and haggard to even fake a smile, his body aching from having Kyuhyun on him and all the fighting that they did, his heart burning at the tenderness of Kyuhyun’s voice, wanting so bad to just close his eyes and cry, not wanting to face Kyuhyun, all his worries and fears centred around the perfect man staring at him with worried eyes that made him weak and delusional, that provoked feelings in him that would only bring him pain, again not trying to hide from his desires, wanting so bad to throw himself at Kyuhyun in that second and let him fix it all. Kyuhyun could do that. He only had to be near him and Kyuhyun could fix it all, but he couldn’t and probably shouldn’t. The pain at that realization breaking the bubble that was forming, immediately turning away from Kyuhyun, just sick and tired of everything and just the world really.

“Leave Kyuhyun. I don’t want to talk. Just leave” Yesung instructed; his voice sort of bitter, twisting onto his back, not caring about Kyuhyun’s position anymore, head looking away, a hard task in their set up, still both under the comforter, Yesung just really tired.

He knew what Kyuhyun was hoping to do and appreciated it. He appreciated it so very much, positive now that he didn’t deserve someone like Kyuhyun, someone so freaking perfect. He couldn’t bear to see Kyuhyun. He caused him too much pain and it was even worst with the knowledge that he was hurting Kyuhyun as well. He had seen the look in his eyes, behind the concern and the tenderness. The sadness and frustration plain to see, positive that was all he ever brought Kyuhyun anyway.

Why was Kyuhyun even bothering? All they would do was hurt each other in the long run.

 Kyuhyun was beginning to be an enigma to him. He was sure Kyuhyun would leave him soon. There was no way that he would want to stay with him after he had tasted perfection. Why would perfect Kyuhyun settle for something so beneath him? He wouldn’t and Yesung could accept that, but at the same time he was just so damn confused.

There Kyuhyun was, looking at him with those eyes, the ones that was coloured with love and affection and worry and so many other wonderful things and he was left to wonder which was it? Somewhere he knew that Kyuhyun loved him, he knew he did, but he also knew that he was not good enough for Kyuhyun and the younger would realize that soon. What would happen to that love then? Would it just disappear? He didn’t know really, only that seeing those eyes filled with love caused his pain. It made him think Kyuhyun would always be there and he knew that would not be so.

 To have eyes like those looking at you just disappear was not something you survived, so maybe it was better that he did not look at Kyuhyun at all. He was vaguely aware that his actions could hurt Kyuhyun but supposed it was better that way. Maybe then Kyuhyun would stop looking at him like that and then he would suffer less when Kyuhyun was no longer there. It all made sense to him, even if it pained like hell, sighing as he looked at the other side of the comforter.

 “Stop it this instant. It’s ing annoying!”  Kyuhyun was fuming at that point, his temper immediately released starting from the second he heard that built in response that Yesung saw it fit it to use all the freaking time, as if he though Kyuhyun and everyone else were idiots that couldn’t tell that he was lying through his teeth, that everything before their eyes was nothing and he could just pass it off as it they were imagining things. It was as if he couldn’t care less about the worry he had just caused, as if Kyuhyun begging him to share his problem did not matter in the least. He just couldn’t care could he?

Nothing mattered but his own selfishness.

 He didn’t care that Kyuhyun was worried or upset or sad, all he cared about was his freaking self. He was so damn frustrating!! No matter how much Kyuhyun told himself that it did not matter, he was wrong. It did matter. It would always matter. He should care goddamit! Kyuhyun should matter to him always! Why couldn’t he just trust him? Why couldn’t he respect that Kyuhyun was worried and he wanted him to be alright. Did his feelings not matter at all? Did he really just not care about Kyuhyun in such a manner?

He really wanted to be the bigger person, the more rational one that could deal with everything and not care and not be a slave to his emotions, but it was just so damn hard! He had feelings too. He had fears and worries and needs and wants and Yesung had better start caring about him!!Okay..Fine!

He knew that Yesung cared in his own way, but it was so freaking annoying to hear the word ‘nothing’. It was like it was a curse. It was as if Yesung was saying that he was an idiot and that he didn’t need him. Then the bastard had the audacity to just send him away once more as if he were a stray dog that was harassing him, not as if he were the person the Yesung loved. After all they had been through; Yesung still had to be an . He wanted to kill him so bad!!

“You are free to leave!” Yesung responded in kind, anger rising up in him as well, tired of the way Kyuhyun was talking to him. He did not ask him to be there and sure as hell was not keeping there.

 If he was so ‘ing annoying’, then why the hell was he still there? Kyuhyun could just get the hell up and leave. Why make a freaking show of the whole thing? He would leave anyway, so why would now be any worst? He could just get the hell up and walk out. It was better to get it over with anyway! Yesung glaring at Kyuhyun, finally turning back to face him, anger flashing in his eyes. He was tired of sadness and pain and keeping the heartbreak at bay. He didn’t care anymore.

Anger was better than pain anyway.

“Why must you be like that always? Why?? Just why?? You !” Kyuhyun spat, completely driven by anger, the rage taking hold of him in its entirety.

 He was just so freaking tired of everything and it was just too hard to keep holding back. Why must he always be the nice one? Why must he always push away his feelings to deal with Yesung and his stupidity? If the jackass was too stupid to see how much Kyuhyun loved him then maybe he just did not deserve that love at all. Kyuhyun had to be worth more than that and he was sure as hell was. He was tired of it all.

Tired of fighting Yesung for his own benefit, tired of trying to prove his love to an that was unwilling to trust him.

 He wasn’t perfect, but he loved him with all his heart. He did everything he could for him. He did whatever it was that he could and necessary. Why couldn’t that be enough for Yesung? Why couldn’t he just accept Kyuhyun’s love the same way? Why wasn’t he the one he let into his heart? Kyuhyun thought his heart was shattering, so decided that he would rather scream at Yesung than dealing with that much craziness.

 If Yesung did not care about him, then he did not care about Yesung either…….okay…he would always care, even in a blinding rage, but he was tired, just so damn tired. He couldn’t reach Yesung anymore and he didn’t know what to do anymore. If screaming was the best way to settle it, then so be it, ignoring the rational part of his brain that insisted that he was being an idiot and so was Yesung.

“What the are you on about?” Yesung questioned angrily, voice not booming but quiet and frightening, eyes wide and red, the rage rushing through him as well.

 He was tired of everything and didn’t know what to do. His mind was torturing him from the inside out, and then he had Kyuhyun before him throwing a freaking tantrum. Why was he so in love with such a childish brat anyway? Why couldn’t he just leave and give Yesung some peace. Torturing Yesung was not enough for him, neither was hurting him and setting him up for heartbreak, not even making false promises of forever. Why did he want to torture him so much? The bastard was always like that, he was just too much of a fool to see it. He could hit him; he was so mad.

“Why are you so freaking immature? Like you don’t know. Grow the up!” Kyuhyun spat, the close atmosphere causing a heat to raise within the two, both childishly glaring at the other, Yesung with something like fire in his eyes, Kyuhyun not much better, wondering how he had been combusted as yet, the heat colouring his skin, turning his face red, huffing quick breathes of air as he tried to not choke on his own anger, Yesung's face red and his eyes deadly, Kyuhyun supposing that he should be afraid.

He still stood by what he said anyway. He was no fool and Yesung had better stop acting as if Kyuhyun was some uninformed twit. Yesung had also be better advised that he drop the innocent act as well. Like hell he did not know what Kyuhyun was talking about. He was just a freaking child that couldn’t be an adult if the world was ending. What was so hard in letting Kyuhyun help him? He was just an immature that didn’t know a good thing when he had it.

“Why are you so ing annoying? It’s like you have a disease. Can’t you ever just do what someone asks? Or you think you are too good for that? Huh Kyuhyun? Perfect Kyuhyun does whatever the he wants, isn’t that right? Why are you so ing self centred?” Yesung questioned meanly, his face contorting into this ugly pull that Kyuhyun found very unattractive, though even then he still thought he was beautiful which actually just served to heighten his anger, Yesung glaring fire at him, waving a hand in front of him, clearly taken with his rage, Kyuhyun not amused in the least, his own temper pounding at him.

Yesung was dead serious. Why was Kyuhyun such a stubborn bastard? Would it kill the brat to just do as someone asked him to? It was not as if he was asking for so much. He just wanted some time for himself. Kyuhyun was freaking annoying!

“What else can I be when you are so ing childish?” Kyuhyun questioned hotly, not taking kindly to the previous statement. Like hell he was annoying! He was probably the exact opposite.

 If anyone was annoying in their relationship it was Yesung. The sort of madness he put up with, he had to wonder if he was a patient saint or something. Yesung was clumsy and awkward and weird and just so damn frustrating and annoying and arrrggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Hell!!!!! He was so damn tired now, his head pounding from all the hot blood rushing through his body, a dull ache felt in his face and head from all the scratching that Yesung had done, and he still loved him so much.

He was screwed. Sigh.

“Enough! Just Leave Kyuhyun” Yesung said somewhat calmly, or atleast calmly in comparison to their previous manner of speaking to each other, just tired of everything and tired of fighting with the person that he loved. His mind and body was weary. The emotional turmoil had drained his energy completely, the side of his waist aching from where Kyuhyun had gripped his skin, his legs feeling heavy and tired. It was just too hard to see Kyuhyun’s dark eyes staring back at him. It was so very different from the sort chocolate brown that he was accustomed to, the ones that were always filled with love and affection and the happiness of a bright future together.

 Even if they pained him now, it was the memory that he wanted to keep of the man he loved, that once loved him too. He didn’t want to remember those dark angry eyes or the pained look that they seemed to have. He didn’t want to hurt Kyuhyun anymore either. Even if he was upset, he knew Kyuhyun too well not to know that he was hurting the younger was well. He was sorry for it, aware that Kyuhyun was probably just trying to get him to talk to him. It was just unfortunate that his desire was impossible.

He didn’t mean to hurt him and wanted him to be happy. He hoped that Kyuhyun would always be happy. He would never resent him and wish him well. Maybe if Kyuhyun was happy then he would be as well.

It was better to end it there.

He could return to his haven and Kyuhyun would be spared anymore pain.  All they would achieve was resentment and further hurt feelings. Kyuhyun was better away from him. He was so desperate that he was ready to plead with Kyuhyun to just leave him be, looking at the younger man with sad pleading eyes, Kyuhyun now looking much softer, the fight draining out of him as well, though a fire burned in his eyes, a string determination that Yesung did not understand in the least.

“Not a chance in hell” spoken with force, an iron fisted determination that not even the heavens would have had the courage to challenge, Kyuhyun scarily serious, voice strong and powerful, face set as this endless determined stance, not bending or shifting as he bolted forward, taking Yesung by surprise.

Before he would even blink he was crushed against Kyuhyun’s chest, pulled so strongly and efficiently that Yesung was completely lost in Kyuhyun’s embrace before he even knew what was happening, two strong hands wrapped around him, one even sliding underneath him without his notice, stuck with nowhere to go as Kyuhyun kept pulling him closer, his hands linked on Yesung's back, Kyuhyun snuggling against him, seemingly unperturbed that Yesung was not especially reactive, a small finger rebellious enough to pat a shaky rhythm against Kyuhyun’s chest, a force of habit he supposed, the rest of him trying to stay nonreactive, aware that he was just setting himself up for more suffering if he got too comfortable, his heart leaping when Kyuhyun’s lips connected with the side of his head, his temple burning from the touch, Kyuhyun back to holding him prisoner, tugging him as close as possible, showing no signs that he intended to release him any time soon.

 Yesung wondered if he would even survive the night.

A/N: All the discussion about the story really interest me. I have never considered some of those perspectives before. Its strange but interesting. Personally I see them as natural foils to each other. One endlessly selfless and one inherently selfish....and both just sort of stupid...lol....Its not a perfect relationship or an easy one, but worthwhile.