Warnings:- There is the use of profanity in this chapter.

The Emergence of Fears

Chapter IV

Kyuhyun was anxious and frustrated and mad and worried and so many other things that he thought he would burst. It was shocking that good sense actually made it through the haze to guide him, that rational voice from somewhere deep inside begging him to take a minute and calm down, to think things through and go in there with a clear head and an open mind. He couldn’t let the annoyance and the disappointment colour his thoughts, especially when he was going to deal with a moody Yesung. The older man was a pain in that regard and would be difficult, and was much too stubborn to ever have sense and Kyuhyun wanted to strangle the bastard, his mind conjuring images of suffocating him just for the stress he caused, annoyed at his own fantasy when it ended with him just holding him in his arms and begging Yesung to just take it easy, to spare his sanity. Even his murderous fantasies of murder were now ruined by his stupid endless annoying love for a stubborn moody idiot.

Kyuhyun could claw his eyes out really. It was so damn frustrating.

He complied however, aware that he had to atleast try and approach Yesung with some softness or he may live to regret it, taking quick deep breathes, closing his eyes briefly as he waited for it to be released, trying his hardest to push his thoughts away. He had to be even and controlled. It would never make any sense if they were both moody, but sometimes it was just so hard for him.

In truth, he was not deceived.

He knew exactly what Yesung was when he fell in love. He had lived with him long enough to know that he was freaking annoying and difficult and a right pain the sometimes, yet he was still craved that goddamn warmth and smelt that coffee and cinnamon everywhere. It was his fault for being unable to resist that warm smile and those sharp eyes and even that crazy dancing. He was the one that let love blossom, so he had to deal with it now. He was not fully ready, but it was the best he should ever hope for to be honest. With one last sight, he entered the room, casually pushing the door open, taking those tentative steps.

What he saw did not give him much hope however.

 Yesung was curled into a ball, having abandoned his ceiling gazing from before, curled into his himself, looking small and tired and a little fretful, his skin pale and his expression worrisome by itself. Kyuhyun supposed Yesung would have heard the door open, especially with that really good hearing of his, but then again, it did not look like he was paying attention to much.

Just seeing him sort of annoyed Kyuhyun to be honest.

There he was curled up and alone when he could have been with Kyuhyun, when Kyuhyun could help him with whatever was on his mind, if anything was on his mind or if he was just going to be a moody pain in the , or just be there with him on a special day. Instead he chose to stay by himself in a small room and let it all get to him or just be a stubborn bastard and remain in a singular position when he could have been with him. The idea lone was grating to him in fact, swirling with all those emotions that he wanted to hold back as he walked forwards, taking those few steps that would bring him to the bed, feeling as if he had finally entered the fire, his whole body on edge, his soul nearly jumping out of his body when a husky voice broke through the silence, Kyuhyun not expecting it at all, his heart thumping in his chest and his expression one of fright, pulling it back to calmness, eyes darting to the figure on the bed.

“I am sorry Kyuhyun ah I am not feeling well so I cannot speak to you tonight” Yesung spoke, voice calm and soft, so soft that Kyuhyun could barely make out what he was saying, though was positive that his lips were moving, Kyuhyun not taking his eyes from him.

Yesung had not opened his eyes, so Kyuhyun wondered how he knew it was him, but supposed maybe Yesung thought no one else would be brave enough to disturb him when he said he wanted to be alone. Kyuhyun was most certainly brave; or rather he was just enraged. Yesung didn’t even care to look at him, instead just being indifferent. He had to know today was special. Sick or well he should want to spend it with Kyuhyun, want to be with the person he loved. Sometimes he really wondered what was wrong with him, then being another occasion, trying to figure out if he were really sick, pushing his own emotions aside so that he could react fairly.

“You’re sick? Really?” Kyuhyun questioned, but it just came out sounding sarcastic and annoyed, having satisfied himself with the examination into the older man, concluding that he was not sick or atleast not sick in the physical sense.

His skin looked pale and clammy and lacked the normal sheen that it carried, his body was slumped pitifully and he looked as if he wanted to die, but he was not sick. The only thing sick in him was probably his mind, but nothing else. Kyuhyun was annoyed once more. Why claim he was sick? Why couldn’t he just face him? Did he think Kyuhyun was a fool? Did he really think Kyuhyun would not notice him trying to avoid him?

The last time he had been allowed to sleep with him, the day he returned with meeting with his parents, Yesung had pulled himself into a ball and wouldn’t let Kyuhyun touch him, pulling as far away from him as possible. At the time he was peeved but figured that Yesung was just annoyed with him and was trying to teach him a lesson, so satisfied himself with leaning over and planting a kiss to his cheeks and making himself comfortable on their bed, the sheets and everything smelling like the man a little way away from him, Kyuhyun sleeping in comfort, knowing that he was just an arm’s reach away. He honestly thought Yesung was just mad at him for something and was punishing him, though he sneakily threw his arms around him when he got up to use the bathroom and saw him asleep, Yesung twisting in his arms, but snuggling against him, Kyuhyun hugging him close as he slept, always amused that he could never stay mad at him when they slept, always returning to his arms subconsciously, Kyuhyun forever grateful for that fact, aware that he was the same, but maybe that was how it was meant to be.

 At their basic forms they loved each other.

Whatever anger or annoyance they felt was only at the surface, unable to touch their base instinct, or atleast that was how he looked at it. He thinks it is right though, since they always ended in each other’s arms at moments like those, Yesung shifting against him, back pressed to his chest, Kyuhyun moulding himself against him, head buried in his hair, just holding him close, happy to drown in his sweet aroma, just happy he could hold him close.

When he got up the bed was deserted but that was normal.

What was abnormal however was the fact that he had not seen Yesung thereafter and even in the evening Yesung had chosen to stay away, just a courtesy phone call and telling him to get some rest. It had been much of the same thereafter and honestly Kyuhyun just missed him. He missed holding him in his arms and kissing his cheeks and smelling that coffee cinnamon blend and listening to his beautiful voice and the warmth of his hands and the weird jokes he would tell and the crinkle of his nose and that way he would tap his hand against his chest when he was resting against him or when he would tug on his fingers or when he rolled his eyes and said Kyuhyun was an idiot. Basically Kyuhyun just missed everything about him and the fact that he was once again trying to deny him was making it hard for him to not react emotionally.

 He was trying his best, he really was, but Yesung was making it hard for him.

“Yes I am. I want to sleep. Maybe you should go” Yesung suggested, finally opening his eyes, though he did not look much at Kyuhyun, only a glance, Kyuhyun seeing panicked eyes, but doubted he saw right, Yesung pulling his gaze way before he shut his eyes once again, burying his face into the mattress, not wanting to see Kyuhyun, all his thoughts returning to him and honestly he was just tired and tortured.

 It was only so much he could take sometimes.

He wanted him to leave, and just let him be. There was nothing Kyuhyun could do but cause him more heartache and he never wanted to see Kyuhyun like that. Kyuhyun had to remain special and perfect and his, not something that was fleeting, not something that he would only long for, something that abandoned him, someone that fooled him into thinking he was loved with his warm eyes and his concerned smile, the brightness always reflecting love that was not possible and he would always be a fool to trust in it. 

He just wanted him to leave.

He wanted to close his eyes and get lost in a sweet dream, one where it was thirty years later and he was completely grey and his skin no longer as smooth and his vision blurry and his limbs tired and crinkly and he would wake up an equally or maybe just a little less grey haired Kyuhyun the same way he did now, because even then he would be a lazy brat that only liked to sleep and he would still reach for his hand and try to drag him back to bed with him, and still try to smother him and he would still smack him and call Kyuhyun  a child and they would still be in love and be happy and be together and it would be perfect because Kyuhyun would look at him with those soft brown eyes and he would see the same thing he sees now, see the same love and affection and commitment.

It was a perfect dream and the place he always wanted to be. It was better than this reality where all he could do is either hate himself for being a selfish bastard and holding on to Kyuhyun or being afraid that Kyuhyun would leave him and he would not be able to hold on to him. Things like that would drive anyone insane. He just needed to be by himself honestly and most certainly not asleep with Kyuhyun like he so wanted to be.

It could only ever end one way really.

“What?” Kyuhyun asked once again, feeling like he was a broken record but it was better to ask things like that, rather than all the more colourful things that were whirling around in his mind.

Did he just ask him to leave? He had to be hearing things because if Yesung had any sense or shame for that matter, the he would never utter something so distasteful in Kyuhyun’s presence ever again. There was no possible way that it would be right for him to say something like that and the mere suggestion was enough to curd Kyuhyun’s blood.

He rather pretend he did not hear it and give Yesung the opportunity to come to his senses or atleast have the decency to pretend that he had not just insulted Kyuhyun in the worst possible ways. He would let him reclaim his statement and act as if it never happened.

How Kyuhyun wished Yesung would take it all back, how he wished he would just take pull him into bed with him, let Kyuhyun wrap his arms around him and kiss him sweetly, that he would tell him he loved him and that their year together was special and meant just as much to him as it meant to Kyuhyun. He just wanted him to be his, to let him hold him.

“I am sick Kyuhyun and I want to sleep. You can just go sleep in your room tonight” Yesung instructed nearly emotionlessly, so cold were his words to Kyuhyun’s ears that he thinks they left him icy, his blood frozen in his veins and his heart stopped, Yesung not even having the decency to look him in the eye. If he was going to hurt him, he should atleast be man enough to look at him shouldn’t he?

Yesung was even worse than he thought.

The older man finally glancing at him, his eyes hollow and nearly devoid of emotion, that perfect mask that he had slipping into place. Kyuhyun wanted to smack himself. There he was, a perfect fool, an idiot that thought Yesung loved him too much to ever do that, loved him so much that he would never wear that horrid mask in Kyuhyun’s presence. It was ripping at Kyuhyun’s insides, anger and sadness bubbling from his depths, wanting to smack himself so hard for being that stupid, wanting to murder Yesung when the older man further turned away, only moving to shift himself on the bed.

There was a time not so long ago when he would shift around and pull Kyuhyun to lie beside him, but today in continuation of his pure wretchedness, all he did was shift until he was placed under his covers, perhaps to demonstrate to Kyuhyun that he was instead going to bed and wanted him to leave. He wanted him to leave…….Kyuhyun must have jumped through the space time continuum because in his reality things like that were not possible. It should never be possible for Yesung to be so uncaring to his presence that he would cover his body and part of his head with his comforter and proceed to ignore him.

That was not possible, should never be possible.

“Are you ing serious?” Kyuhyun practically spits, the anger boiling in his veins so strong that he thought he would die, spots of red clouding his vision, the fire rapidly spreading through his body, heat and acid like bitterness scorching his insides, feeling as if he were on fire, and most certainly not the good kind, nothing like when Yesung on his skin or when he titled his throat and let Kyuhyun taste the sweet skin.

It was most certainly not that sort of flame.

 That was sweet and torturous and Kyuhyun wanted it to last forever, this on the other hand was bitter and painful and he wanted it to end now, end before it took control and he did something he would regret, something on the edge of his finger tips, one of those days where he would just really strangle him, when he would wrap his long fingers around that pretty slender well sculpted throat and just squeeze and squeeze and try to find satisfaction. He could never do that of course, he loved him too much to hurt him, knew he would miss him too much, knew that it was wrong, but right about then the idea was endlessly appealing.

He was so mad that he couldn’t even feel the strain from glaring at Yesung with his nearly bloodshot eyes, pain like spasms through his body as the blood gushed, hot and heavy through his body, his hands at his side, knuckles turning white and finger nails digging into his palms as he keep it all restrained, as he kept himself from hurting him, wanting this to be some sort of insane dream, feeling as if he would combust in any second.

“ Very much so. Good night” Yesung dismissed him, his voice coming out slightly muffled as he was still partly beneath the comforter, though from what he could make out, Yesung was exceedingly dismissive. His voice a tad bit sad but the muffling sound made it hard for him to tell, though he could pick up on some annoyance as well, which surprisingly enough only brought out his own annoyance, his anger taking on a greater surge, rushing with even more force.

There he was, practically begging to be with him, and being shooed as if he were some freaking puppy. He knew he loved him and had been a called a love sick puppy enough times to think it was possible but that did not give Yesung the right to treat him like that. All he wanted was to be at his side, to be the one that he opened his heart to. It was not as if he were asking for much. Did he really care so little for him. He had his doubts, but each and every time he dismissed it.

 It was harder to do that now though.

How could he love Yesung so much and all he got in return was the man dismissing him as if he meant nothing to him? Was he really that easy to send away?  And the crowning glory, he was the wrong one, yet had the audacity to sound annoyed? What the hell give him that right in first place? He could hurt Kyuhyun and be satisfied and then think he had the right to think he could get mad? He was insane. There was nothing else that could be used to describe that level of stupidity. He was freaking insane!! And Kyuhyun was livid. All he saw before his eyes was the sweet caress of fire, of something begging him to just grab Yesung and shake him to kingdom come.

“Do you want me to kill you?” Kyuhyun asked and he is practically shaking, the anger so strong that he was honestly surprised that he was still standing. He was really just expecting a blood vessel to pop long ago.

Those things were in no way meant to handle that sort of force or that sort of fire. It was gushing through him in a rage and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest, that awful sort of pounding where all he could feel was rage and that endless desire to kill someone and in this case that someone would be Yesung. He was basically begging Kyuhyun to kill him honestly. There could be no other explanation for his conduct. He had a death wish. Maybe he was suicidal? That had to be the only way he could ever think his last comment was appropriate in the situation in which they currently were. Yesung wanted to die at him hands and he was more than willing to oblige really.

The man had a habit of pushing him. He knew that even before love had blossomed. It was like an indicator to him sometimes. Yesung had always been the one that got that much closer for some reason, the one that got him to react when he wouldn’t have or ever cared to before. It made it easy for him to love him, made him think that Yesung saw his soul when no one else could and he had not been wrong. In all their time together, he still thinks that Yesung was the one closes to his mind or atleast the one that saw through the mask more often than anyone else.

 It was however rather negative in the sense that Yesung knew all the buttons to push to have him fuming and the bastard had done it again. He had infuriated Kyuhyun and he was going to pay for it. It was only his conscience that kept him at bay, kept him from just grabbing Yesung and strangling him, but even that was quickly fleeting, his anger at such a level that he thought he would die in minutes, bitterly thinking that Yesung deserved to be tortured by the image of his self combustion.

 It should hunt him for all his days.

“I am not in the mood Kyuhyun. Just leave!” Yesung commanded, pulling his face from the comforter to stare Kyuhyun down for a split second, his eyes forceful and strong and terrified, but he turns away too fast for Kyuhyun to study him, being a freaking as he turned away from Kyuhyun.

He completely left his back to him, refusing to face Kyuhyun once again, a mark of utter and complete disrespect and disregard and Kyuhyun isn’t even sure what he feels anymore. He knows there is anger, it’s a fire burning a white light, so strong and potent that his body actually feels as if he was channelling flame, strong and unyielding, refusing to subside and it had a right to be that stubborn. Yesung was freaking infuriating. Everything about him was anger inducing and he deserved to be tortured just for the heartache that he always caused Kyuhyun. He was a self absorbed bastard that was so freaking stuck up that he just couldn’t let anyone in, not even Kyuhyun who would give his life for him.

Wasn’t that worth atleast an acknowledgement? How could he still not trust Kyuhyun? Why was it so freaking hard to just let Kyuhyun in? Did he not love him enough? Did he treat him unfairly at any point in time? He loved Yesung was if were something so precious and that was all he got, well not all, but God! It was so freaking frustrating. How could Kyuhyun say something like that to him? How could he disregard Kyuhyun’s affection and even his threats? This man was insane and he was driving him insane.

“No” Kyuhyun stated, the word leaving his mouth before he could think, though that did not make it any less adamant, the determination shining through from his subconscious.

Whatever Yesung said, Kyuhyun was in no way interested in leaving. They would get to the bottom of it even Kyuhyun had to tie him to that bed and torture him. He would kill them both before he left. He was in no way letting it go. How long would the stupidity continue for? Maybe he had been too indulgent to begin with. He was hoping, like a freaking jackass, that Yesung would trust him, that he would one day let him in, that he would love him half as much as he loved Yesung and whilst he knew that Yesung did indeed love him, a lot at that, it was hard to just let it go.

On a day like that he was supposed to let Kyuhyun be with him, to let his shoulder be the place that he rested. Kyuhyun had always offered him his strength, offered his shoulder and his support and for the life of him he could never understand why Yesung never took it. Why couldn’t he just open his heart and let Kyuhyun in? He knew Yesung knew he could trust him, yet the older man would never trust him with his thoughts and his fears and his burdens.

He was so freaking tired.

♥규 성♥

“Please…just leave. Please” Yesung requested, his voice sounding defeated, but he refused to turn back towards Kyuhyun. This whole conversation was painful for him. It was like torturing himself really.

Each time Kyuhyun refused to leave left a bitter scar in his heart. Why as he so adamant now, when he would do it later? He should have the decency to just leave now and let him deal with his sorrow and sadness. When he did things like that it would only make it harder for him to deal with later. If Kyuhyun truly loved him he would understand that, he would understand that each time he looked at him with those eyes he was fuelling a fantasy that could not continue, one that was not supposed to be happen, open that would only cause him pain in the future. He had to be strong and Kyuhyun was making it so hard for him.

All he wanted to do was reach out and grab Kyuhyun by the hand and pull him close, to hold him in a suffocating grip and never let him go, to make Kyuhyun promise that he meant it when he said forever, that he would not leave him for something easier or better no matter how hard it was for him or how tempting the world outside their small room was. He wanted to do it so bad that he scared himself. That was not an option and he was a fool for wanting it. He needed Kyuhyun gone. He needed to drown in his misery until he could be strong, until he forced himself to accept that he would have to learn to exist without Kyuhyun in his arms and in his life in that manner.

“No. We need to talk” Kyuhyun informed with so much force in his voice that he shocked himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so certain about anything, save for when he was confessing his love for Yesung, when even with the pounding in his chest and the doubt opening up in his mind, he never let his heart be touched, because he was sure.

 He was always sure when it came to Yesung. In this situation his determination did not extend to his mindset alone but towards the future. He was dead serious when he said they needed to talk, and not just that dismissive, nonsensical madness they had been doing so far but genuinely talk, where he would tell Yesung to stop being such as freaking jackass and let Kyuhyun into his heart and into his arms and let him hold him close, and to beg him to stop being so foolish….. to stop hurting him.

 Kyuhyun does not know how much more he can take and it’s weighing his heart down too much, so much that he thinks he is drowning in rage and anger and suffering and it was not fair to either of them. All they would accomplish was hurting each other and Kyuhyun would never want that. Kyuhyun loved him too much to hurt him, too much to ever want anything else but what was best for them. These standoffs were wasted and only bred resentment.

 Kyuhyun could do anything on earth but he could not resent Yesung, he refused to do so.

The man was his heart and his soul and he refused to let anything touch that, to destroy that. The endless diatribe had to come to an end, and they finally had to address some of their issues.  He wanted them to finally deal with it. It was not something he was looking forward to, but really it could not be much worse than what they had right now, now could it? Every second his anger was mounting and his patience was wearing thin. How much more of it could he really take? How much more could he be expected to endure? He was tired and Yesung was so freaking frustrating that it was no joke. How he wanted to strangle him, but maybe not as much as he wanted to drop to his knees and just beg him to end this madness, because honestly his heart ached more than it had ever before.

“I don’t want to talk to you. Leave” Yesung  said somewhat meanly, or so it seemed to Kyuhyun’s mangled mind, catching a glimpse of cold emotionless eyes staring back at him for a split second before they were turned away to leave his heart thumping and acid raising in his throat.

 How much more could he endure, he didn’t know, his patience nearly at an end.

Yesung was a bastard that was all he knew. He was a heartless, bitter bastard that loved to torture him, that loved to look at his broken form. Why else would he be doing that to him? Why was he pushing Kyuhyun to his limits? Kyuhyun wished he knew what was in his mind, hoping it was atleast better than what was running through his own mind. The feeling to just grab Yesung and shake him just so strong that it was nearly overwhelming, Kyuhyun trying his hardest to push the anger down, to hold back the urge to lose control, to wash the sadness from his heart.

Why was it always so easy for Yesung to send him away? Did he not see what he was doing? Did he like to hurt him? It was truly unfortunate that Kyuhyun could not read Yesung's eyes, that he could not see past that incredibly well crafted wall that was built from years of experience holding back sorrow and hiding those self deprecating thoughts, that he could not see the longing and regret that coursed thought every vein just beneath the surface, Yesung turning away in a rush, unable to look at Kyuhyun, unable to bear the sight of his sad eyes or his twisted expression.

♥규 성♥

He knew he was pushing Kyuhyun too far.

Kyuhyun was his baby, his most prized possession, the person he loved the most, so of course he knew when he was hurting, but maybe then it was better to hurt Kyuhyun than it was to let Kyuhyun hurt him. It was better that Kyuhyun left without them both having to suffer more than they already were. What could Kyuhyun possibly have to say to him anyway? What could they have to say to each other that would not end In Yesung's heart shattering into a million pieces that he could never recover from?

He did not want to have Kyuhyun tell him that he was finally tired of him, that he was at his end. Or maybe Kyuhyun could tell him that he had finally realized that Yesung was not worth the effort, that he was a sad fake imitation of perfect that was hallow and pitiful, or maybe Kyuhyun would finally tell him that he was ready to move on, that he had finally realized that he was wasting his time with Yesung and had found someone that deserved to be at his side, that he found the person that was meant to be near someone like him. Maybe Kyuhyun would finally tell him that he was unhappy and it was Yesung's fault.

He just had to look at Kyuhyun to know that was true.

All they were doing was wasted and only hurt each other. There was no conversation that they could have that would end any other way. Maybe he foolishly thought that Kyuhyun would say he loved him and he wanted to be with him, but even then he would never trust in those words. Kyuhyun would leave him soon and all those words would mean nothing to either of them.

All they would do was hurt Yesung further and at that point, there was only so much pain he could take.

Just looking at Kyuhyun was hard enough. Imaging the words leaving Kyuhyun’s mouth was torturous in of itself, picturing his most precious baby telling that he was tired of him, that he wanted to move on, that he was blinded by childish love to know better.

He could never survive that, he could never do it.

He just knew he would be on his knees begging Kyuhyun to stay with him, making promises he was much too lacking to keep.  He was a fool and it was only getting worse. He needed Kyuhyun to leave. He needed to have that one minute in which he could fool himself into thinking this was a bad dream that he would make up from any minute.

He glanced once more at Kyuhyun and panicked.

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Author's Note:- I get the distinct impression that people are not very interested in this story. Please do inform me if it is otherwise. I should also mention that I am not inclined to post other chapters until I am satisfied that people are actually reading it. Please do be advised accordingly....

ALSO

A Kyusung selca!!! If you follow me on twitter I apologize for the all the spazzing...but come on, its just so freaking perfect!! The leaning... I JUST CAN'T !!!!