The Emergence of Fears 

Chapter XIV

It was so freaking insane that he could do nothing but laugh.

Yesung was out of his mind, completely removed from reality. The things he were suggesting was like listening to Donghae insist that there were aliens trying to invade earth or Eunhyuk claiming he was better looking than Kyuhyun or  Shindong being selected as the spoke person for Asian Health or a body model. It was just so unbelievably insane that he didn’t know what to do. It was something so far removed from reality that it wasn’t even laugh. It was so ridiculous that he would have had to be an idiot to get mad.

 It truthfully wasn’t worth anger.

The frustration was boundless obviously, blindingly so, wanting to rip it out of his body and chuck it into the black abyss of space, anything to get rid of that ache in the back of his neck. He was grateful that he avoided anger however. He knew somehow that anger would be wasted in the situation. If he didn’t laugh he would probably just cry to be honest, letting the soft giggles escape his lips, bordering on manic to be honest, lucky that Yesung was too caught in his stupor to realize he was sitting next to a crazy person and should run away whilst he should, Kyuhyun wondering how one person’s luck could be so beautifully exceptional and blisteringly bitter all at the same time.

Laughing at his life, laughing at his love, laughing at the fool beside him, his heart aching when he thought of him and his suffering.

Kyuhyun honestly felt sorry for his idiot of a lover.

The man was his own worst enemy. It was his own treacherously faulty logic that sort to  bleed him dry, to such away his happiness drop by drop and leave him lost in a cold vast tundra, stealing the light in his eyes and the hope in his heart. Kyuhyun felt pain, something he could never deny but he just knew it was nothing like what Yesung must feel, nothing close to the severity of his idiot beloved’s suffering.

It was truly just an unfortunate consequence that he inadvertently caused Kyuhyun so much pain. It was clear to Kyuhyun that Yesung never meant to cause him so much suffering.  It was never meant to hurt him and Kyuhyun often thinks that was what made it hurt so much. Kyuhyun thinks he would be hurt less if Yesung was deliberate in his actions; hurt less if he wilfully wanted to torture Kyuhyun, to stab his fist into his chest and rip his heart out, and tell him exactly why he didn’t deserve his love or his affection, that he was just not someone he wanted to love. He thinks it would be less painful to know that all Yesung's doubt and distance were naturally, that they came without malice and was borne from the depths of his sentiment and no particular agenda. All it simply meant was that he could easily doubt Kyuhyun’s love for him, that Kyuhyun had failed to win his beloved’s heart, that he had failed him in some way. No matter how he looked at it, that was the most painful part of it all. All that doubt and it was all his fault.

It was as if Kyuhyun had failed him, as if Kyuhyun couldn’t protect him.

 It was hard to bear, it really was,  the ache in his heart and the bitterness touching his soul, the frustration and the disbelief settling within him, the remnants of guilt lurking in the folds. Kyuhyun wanted to do some many things then, mainly a tie between strangling Yesung for making him feel that way or smothering in his arms and tell him he was sorry that he couldn’t protect him. All he wanted to then however, was to focus on Yesung.

He would deal with his own hurt later. He would put aside all his ill feelings and thoughts and take care of the person he loved and maybe in that way Yesung would heal him too. Not lost on him however was the fact that he had been wrong. It’s not something that he has ever been able to accept readily but in this case he was willing to make an exception. Oddly enough it would serve to increase his guilt but would ultimately be what he needed to ease all his suffering and help him banish that contemptible component of doubt that had been wrecking havoc on his mind, destroying his happiness and leading him astray. It was his deliverance in a way. Though now it would be a lot easier to stomach.

It was not that Yesung did not love him or care for him, just that he was jealous? It was endlessly ridiculous of course, but most things with Yesung always seem to end up being ridiculous anyway. The idiot loved him. He was just jealous….surreal …..he chuckled bitterly at that.

He couldn’t be sure of course. Yesung's words could be misleading or he could just be getting it all wrong, tainted with his wishful thing but Kyuhyun would truly like to think it was like that, that Yesung's doubt simply came from his first taste of jealousy. He couldn’t be sure though, especially with his need and desperate want of anything that get rid of that feeling of insignificance that had settled within him as a result of his fight with the older man, the natural consequence of frustration and silence. He wished he were more naïve sometimes though, wished that he could fool himself into thinking that it was enough to be his salvation, that it would be that instant balm spread upon an open balm, soothing the sting. It wasn’t. It could be that hateful shot that bolstered an immune system though, weaving its way into the cracks and lending strength to tired bodies, keeping it strong, so that the scars would finally begin to heal. It was not a cure but it would be his treatment, never instant but potent enough to help him endure.

His healing had began or so he would have liked to think, the chuckles, bitter as they originally were, let him hold back his own convoluted emotions and let him focus on what as important then, focus on the idiot sitting beside him spewing nonsense about impossibilities.

 He could admit however, as ridiculous as the supposition that he could ever leave the person that he loved with every fibre of his being, even the parts that wanted to murder him for causing him so much pain, loved him, he understood it. He understood him.

 He supposed in a way, that he understood Yesung's fears; just that he couldn’t understand where the fears came from. Kyuhyun was sure he made it clear that Yesung was the only one for him. Seriously, his beloved was an idiot, Kyuhyun laughing a little bitterly, Yesung however still not paying attention to him, contemplating his sad situation.

“You are going to leave me for her aren’t you?...... It’s alright……I guess I understand.  I love you and I want you to be happy. She could probably make you happy. It would make sense to leave me anyway. It would be much easier with her….she is a girl and she has and nice curves and you like  and curves and well….I don’t have any of those things …. I am not a girl either……Maybe she isn’t weird like me as well…..and she probably has normal hands too……Is she weird like me? Is she normal? You will be happy right?” Yesung asked sadly, eyes pained and vacant or least it looked as if he was trying to be vacant.

He asked the questioned but he really wasn’t looking forward to the answer. There was never anyway the answers to those questions could do him any well.  Why did he do that sort of thing to himself? Why was he so freaking insistent on torturing himself. He had to be insane, a true masochist. A sick, depraved masochist that took vulgar pleasure in only hurting himself. Except; there was no pleasure to be had. All he felt was hurt and pain and suffering.

He really did not need to know to how much better she was than him? Did he need to know that she was perfect and wonderful and the sort of thing that Kyuhyun’s dreams were made of? Did he have to torture himself with the image of perfection, stealing what he valued most? That was knowledge was penance. It would be the way he paid for every sin he had ever committed his life, the heavens way of making him sorry he had said those harsh words to the annoying kid next door that won’t leave him alone or those times in his teenage years when he had ignored a clingy younger your brother. It would be all his sin accumulated to cause him damnation. That knowledge could only bring him pain, no matter how he thought about it all, how he tried to twist it into thinking it would ease his heart that Kyuhyun was happy. Why was he deluding himself? Could he ever be happy when Kyuhyun’s happiness was in someone else’s arms. He truly wished he was less selfish, that he could be truly happy Kyuhyun. He couldn’t do it though, atleast not yet. That would be his ultimate sin.

 He was starting to think something was fundamentally wrong with him, like he had a disease or something. He always did the wrong thing and end up hurting himself after it all said and done.

He meant what he said however.

 He wanted Kyuhyun to be happy and as hard as it was, he thinks someday he would be able to do it, to be able to give up Kyuhyun so that he could be happy with someone else….Someday he would…….just not yet.  He just supposed that he really couldn’t do it then, his time already so little time with his BabyKyu. He  was not ready and exceptionally unwilling to leave him. So many things he wanted to do with the brat, so many days he  just wanted to snuggle in his arms and just do nothing to feel the lifting of his chest and the annoying timbre of his snores. That would be his own personal paradise.

He would give it up though.

He would forsake his paradise in a heartbeat. He would do it if it meant that Kyuhyun could be happy. Even if he had to rip his heart from his chest and watch it turn to ash before his eyes, watch his perfect blissful future disintegrate into nothing, his chance of happiness vanishing from his grasp, he could do it. He could let Kyuhyun go. He could love Kyuhyun enough to do anything for him, even shattering his heart. He loved Kyuhyun. He loved him enough to do whatever it took, no matter what that meant for his own wellbeing.

He was therefore exceptionally ashamed of himself for still selfishly wanting to just reach over and grab Kyuhyun and hold him against his chest where he could protect him for that stupid girl [Fine! He was sorry, it was just hard to be rational when you are dying] and away from his parents and anything that would make him leave him. He wanted to do that so bad, but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t do that ever. He was wrong and somehow he had to learn to accept that.

 He sighed for the umpteenth time, this time turning towards Kyuhyun. Perhaps he would see the confirmation of his words; maybe Kyuhyun would just outright say it. He was left to consider whether or not he wanted to hear it all right away, if he could truthfully sit there and listen to the person he love deny him his love and his happiness, or  maybe he wanted to be selfish and just keep Kyuhyun at his side for a few more days. If he wanted to hold on those fleeting chances of happiness that would perhaps just add to his suffering when he was finally left with a broken heart. Truly it was not much of a choice.

 It really was a question of what would hurt less. Pain though, was a surety.

Maybe it was just better to let Kyuhyun outright say it and end it, end the farce that he was holding on to. Letting Kyuhyun go and let his heart break. He bitterly thinks it was better than holding on like a pitiful fool when there was nothing he could do, nothing he could do to save himself. He was just holding back Kyuhyun and stabbing little needles into his heart and letting the blood run free, the blood leaking in deadly flows. He was solving nothing and could save nothing. He was weak, but maybe he could gather enough courage to face Kyuhyun. Really he didn’t have much of a choice.

What he sees however is not even close to what he expected in the least, not even something he could have imagined.

 Kyuhyun looked odd.

Tired and weary, eyes dim but flashing a brightness that Yesung could not explain, his expression odd in Yesung's opinion, showing that look he would use when he thought Yesung was an idiot, not annoying per say but just ridiculous, Yesung's eyes narrowing into half moons, head titling to the side as he tried to understand what was going on.

There was hardly a time that he couldn’t read Kyuhyun, save and except for when he was too caught in his own maelstroms to see anything but his own grief, and this time he was lost, his mouth opening slightly as he tried to figure out why Kyuhyun was looking at him like that. It was odd indeed, though not as odd as what Kyuhyun did next, but then again, rather common for Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun personally had enough. He wasn’t even mad anymore…No. That was a lie, he was furious, boiling in anger, wanting to murder Yesung.

This time it was not for hurting him, but for hurting himself.

When Yesung explained to him the reason for his insane conduct, Kyuhyun had once again felt a barrage of emotions, not all positive and most so extreme that he was prevailed upon to full his consciousness out of his body if he could, not somehow or the other he was able to make sense of some it, aware that he felt blinding anger but the strongest emotion he could feel then was sorrow……

Sorrow and pity.

His heart ached, but this time it ached for suffering that his always so temperamental beloved must have felt in the time he had those thoughts swirling around his head. Kyuhyun didn’t even want to imagine the sort of damage it would have done to his fragile mind. Kyuhyun’s heart and soul ached for him, ached for suffering that he endured all by himself and then felt anger at that fact.

How could he be that stupid? Where had his sense disappeared to? If he was upset why didn’t he come to him or just trust him? He was going around in circles, but he supposed that was to be expected in the situation. He did know however that Yesung was an idiot and he loved him.

He loved him so much, than in that moment he would focus on the fact that he was in love with a fool that loved him too much, so much that he tortured himself with just the idea that Kyuhyun could leave him. He was a jackass to ever think that was possible of course, so far out of the realms of possibility that it was insane to even consider it. Kyuhyun however was more interested in his reaction. The idea was preposterous in the highest regard but Yesung's reaction, whilst goddamn infuriating was sort of heart warming. He looked as if he had been to hell and back and that was just the idea that Kyuhyun would leave him.

Kyuhyun could reasonably conclude that he meant a lot to the older man.

 If the mere idea that he would leave him turned into such a mess, it was obvious that he must hold Kyuhyun in high regard and value him and his presence at his side significantly.

 Kyuhyun was ashamed to admit that his heart was swollen in happiness. He still had his issues with the whole thing of course, especially that part where Yesung doubted his devotion and refused to trust him, but he could find joy in the fact that any thought he had of Yesung not being in love with him was quite false. It was clear the older man had to love him greatly to have such a reaction.

The extent and scope of that love Kyuhyun was unsure of, but he was grateful that he could confirm that Yesung did indeed have great regard for him and that made him happy. It was a small victory, but with his state of mind it was like a drink of water in the scorching desert. It was something that he could hold onto as a source of strength for those bitter days ahead.

He needed all the reassurances he could get and was painfully aware that he needed to assure Yesung as well. It was always a difficult task but he had to do it. It was his duty to help his annoying beloved, though it was not that bad, especially when he looked at Kyuhyun like that, his eyes small and pitiful, the fear and love lurking in his eyes, fighting hard to keep his expression neutral, wasted on Kyuhyun simply because he could read him like a book. When he would even bother to accept that fact; Kyuhyun did not know.

He wished he realized that Kyuhyun was closest to his mind.

He prayed that Yesung would understand that no matter how much he hid, sooner or later Kyuhyun would find him; that he would always find him. He shouldn’t hide from Kyuhyun. He would not let him, not today, not ever. He wasn’t sure what to do in the situation however, his mind blank for a few short seconds. What was he supposed to do then? He needed to comfort him, he needed to guide him back from wherever he had wandered off to and he had to be gentle about it

. Kyuhyun however was rarely gentle and frankly was sort of clouded with multiple emotions that he was finding it quite hard to manage and control. He was decidedly tired of it all and was just going on instinct really.

At a time like that, there was nothing else he could trust but his heart and even that was often tainted and swayed by those soft eyes staring back at him. He was mad and he was tired and he was happy and grateful and worried and annoyed and indignant and desperate to punish Yesung for his heartache. So many conflicting thoughts and Yesung just had to look at him like that.

 Soft hair and even softer skin, beautiful in pain, the soft lighting of the room illuminating all his wondrous features, the sharp shaped jaw line that curved ever so beautifully, the small button nose, the once plumb cheeks that now bear signs of distinction, the bow lips now pulled into a frown that still could not mar the beauty of their form, and those goddamned hypnotic eyes that seemed to always stare into his soul, but this time empty and pained, frightened as they gazed at him.

He was beautiful, even for a man, especially for a man, and Kyuhyun was mesmerized.

 Even in sadness and pain he was still so beautiful to him. Really how could he think any girl or any person for that matter could compare to him? Did he really not know what he did to Kyuhyun? A kiss against his throat would have his body burning for hours and whilst he loved [why deny it?], he was more than willing to go without them if he could just gaze at the perfect person beside him. When would he understand that he would never leave him? The guy was an idiot.

A beautiful, ridiculous senseless idiot that Kyuhyun was desperate to kiss.

Kyuhyun really could not resist the urge much longer, the sight before him much too compelling to be denied. He supposed that he should have thought of something to help Yesung but he was sadly thinking rather selfishly in that moment. He had suffered enough for one day and he really thought he deserved a reward for his endurance. Yesung might smack him of course but he was already battered and more than likely bruised, so he really was not going to worry too much just then.

He needed to do it, not just for himself but Yesung as well.

A/N: I updated early, so forgive me for not having the cheese I promised in this chapter...but as you can see...its clearly in the next one. Thanks for all the support thus far...Tomorrow you guys will love me..lmao