Warnings:- There is the use of profanity in this chapter.

The Emergence of Fears.

Chapter VIII

“Stop struggling!” Kyuhyun commanded as he reached for Yesung’s face, using his hands to stretch upwards to try and grab hold of the two perfect cheeks, Yesung of course making that a difficult task, turning and twisting and just kicking up a storm, Kyuhyun determined to have his way, even if it had to be a test of wills. This time he was sure he would win, stealthily grabbing one side of the soft beautiful red flesh, Yesung twisting away with his eyes closed, then grabbing the other as he turned, Yesung insisting that he release him, voice soft and panicky, nearly frightened, though lost on Kyuhyun as he was too busy trying to get him to hold still, so frustrated that he dug his finger nail into the soft perfect skin, Yesung hissing at him, his eyes flying open as Kyuhyun grounded his nail into the flesh, the skin turning red but thankfully not being pierced, Kyuhyun finally doing what he wanted to do, staring into the perfect eyes of the man he loved.

What he saw there however frightened him.

He was so shocked that he nearly pulled back, his eyes getting lost in the pools of brown before him, Yesung trying hard to pull away from Kyuhyun, who was by then finally perched completely on top of him, in line with his face, his body aching for his troubles but in the place he needed to be, hands pulling at Yesung's face, the older man defiantly squirming under him, as his small hands tried to reach around Kyuhyun, pulling at his back in weak pinches, poking Kyuhyun at his sides, until Kyuhyun used his knee to press down on Yesung's thigh, the soft flesh moulding around him as he heard Yesung groan in pain, using his split second lapse in concentration to release his face and reach for his small hand, Kyuhyun tucking it underneath him in a rush, quickly bring his hand back up to grab Yesung's face, the man turning away from him.

Kyuhyun sighing in frustration, his anger rising once more, refusing to let all his hard work go to waste, repeating his previous instruction when Yesung tries to pry the hand lodged between their chests away from its prison, the other pulling at Kyuhyun’s skin through his shirt, only having taken off his outer coat, leaving his jacket and shirt in place, so Yesung's movement’s were not causing much harm, unlike Kyuhyun’s fingers, which could probably leave a bruise if he did not calm down, roughly pulling Yesung's face towards him and holding it still, pressing down on his finger tips to force Yesung's eyes open, the eyelids fluttering to reveal dark orbs, Kyuhyun gasping at the sight, cold glaring eyes staring back at him, hiding something frightening.

Kyuhyun’s eyes widened as he took in the sight before him, Yesung's eyes forced to be on him due to the hold that he maintained, the struggling having ceased when Kyuhyun forced his eyes open, looking as the man he loved tried to hide everything behind those forced cold eyes, behind the glare all Kyuhyun could see was sadness and pain and suffering and it was breaking his heart. He knew that Yesung was upset and more than likely sad, but it didn’t really register with his mind, being more focused on his anger and his emotions and own suffering.

Only when he looked into those orbs and saw the fear and the panic trying to hide from his gaze did he finally realize that things were a lot worse than he had originally thought, that he realized how much Yesung was suffering and his heart was lurching, the guilt for making things harder for him rising up, along with the anger that he could not seem to get rid of, only fuelled more by that sadness that refused to leave him and that feeling of helplessness that he could not shake.  Looking down at the wide frighten eyes, masked by a weak glare, Kyuhyun could see it all. He always understood Yesung's eyes better than his words anyway. He was always able to look into his eyes and see his sadness or his fears or his worries.

This time was no different, bringing before him so much pain, that it was Kyuhyun that wanted to shut his eyes. How could he have let Yesung suffer like that he didn’t know. All he could see behind the glare was fear and concern and anxiety and that hint of panic, Yesung trying to hide it form him by blinking, but it could fool no one, especially not someone like him. The very fact that Yesung was still trying to hide it annoyed Kyuhyun even more.

Even after all that time, after so much suffering and pain, metaphorical and literal, the stubborn bastard still refusing to let Kyuhyun in, trying to hide it all once more, trying to fool him into thinking he was alright, refusing to let Kyuhyun help him. Why did he think it was better to suffer by himself than it was to let Kyuhyun be the one to hold his hand or to reach into the darkness and be his guiding light? He had to know that Kyuhyun would do anything for him, that he would do anything to make it better, to drive away the worry and the fear, to ensure that his heart was happy. Couldn’t he trust Kyuhyun to help him? Or even worst, why did he always have to let it get like that? Why did he always try to be by himself at times like that? Even then he still wanted to fight him, Kyuhyun having to keep his hold strong if he wished to keep him in place, staring down at eyes that only caused Kyuhyun more pain.

He saw something he never thought was possible then, something that he would despise and analyze and fuss over a long time to come. He would probably feel guilt as well, and some day he would say that it broke his heart, the image burned into the back of his skull, an image that would torture him in later days for sure, his heart constricting once more. Looking down and seeing fear. Yesung was afraid and not just afraid, but afraid of him. The emotion clear within the storm in his eyes and Kyuhyun was stunned.

If Kyuhyun was a better person he would have let him go, he would have respected his fears and his concerns and protected him. If Kyuhyun was less selfish he would have released him, let him go and end his fear, atone for his sin and let him be free. Kyuhyun however, was a selfish bastard. Or maybe he was just a horrible self serving jackass, or maybe he was just a man desperately in love. He refused to let him go. He would just hold on tighter, because what else could he do?

 He couldn’t let him go.

 That was not an option at all. Kyuhyun didn’t think he would survive too well if he let him, if he was away from him. He knew automatically that he couldn’t let Yesung leave his side and he sure as hell couldn’t do it with his own hand. Yesung was his, and that was how it had to be.

 Kyuhyun could not let anything else stand.

He was an awful person maybe, a horrible person that scared the person he loved, but he refused to let him go. If Yesung was hurt by him or afraid of him then he would fix it. He had no other choice. He couldn’t do anything else. Nothing else was acceptable, he decided.

Staring into the eyes, Kyuhyun reached around him and tried to hug him, anger and pain and frustration and guilt and so many other things clouding his mind, this time begging Yesung's warmth to save him, even if Yesung did not seem to think that Kyuhyun was in the right place, pushing at his chest once more, the small hand pressed against his chest poking at him, Yesung trying to dislodge himself, eyes clouding in annoyance, though the image of fear that Kyuhyun had spotted would probably be the only thing he ever saw again, an image meant to damn him to hell.

“Get your heavy off me. Do you want to suffocate me?” Yesung asked harshly, his eyes burning in anger and annoyance, the pain barely hidden, his voice deep and scary and Kyuhyun felt his spine run cold.

 Yesung had calmed down when he held his face, supposing that his movements would have been stilled anyway, so decided to stop the major struggles, and had thereafter been silent, no longer using profanities, just silent and frightening. It was always bad when his voice dropped to that low husky form, meant to indicate that he was at his limit, the anger barely held under the surface. Kyuhyun was immediately wary, but thanked the heavens that he was a stubborn jackass as well, and even if Yesung was mad, so was he.

 In fact Yesung was rather audacious to even be angry. He was the one that was hurting Kyuhyun and ruining a perfect day and being an idiot, then why was he the one that was mad? He should be apologetic. Even then he was not being helpless, instead being a pain in the , pulling at Kyuhyun’s heart and scarring him, once more drawing the dragger, as if his fearful eyes were not enough he had to inform Kyuhyun that he was hurting him? Did he really have to make it sound like that? He had to know that was not Kyuhyun’s intention and was just a weak side effect of necessary action. Kyuhyun wanted to strangle him again, but the fact that he could see the fear beneath the anger stilled his hands.

Instead Kyuhyun tumbled to his side, releasing Yesung's face as he shifted, unwilling to hurt him with his weight. Yesung was not kidding or being dramatic, Kyuhyun’s weight was indeed greater than his, especially since Yesung got that brilliant idea that he needed to be smaller to be attractive to their fans, his body now exceedingly light and lean, Kyuhyun sometimes thinking he looked frail, especially with those soft delicate shoulders and tiny legs. Kyuhyun was often afraid he would hurt him when he was on top of him, and always therefore tried to avoid pressing too much of his weight against Yesung. Even then it was something that he was conscious of. Yesung was exceedingly rude, but the point was valid.

 Kyuhyun had no intention of causing him harm, choosing to slide off him. If Yesung however thought for a second that would mean Kyuhyun would release him, he was dead wrong. His freedom was exceedingly short lived, not lasting more than a few seconds as Kyuhyun grabbed him once more, wrapping his arms around him as he pulled him close, Yesung trying to shake him off, but giving up with a tired sigh, letting Kyuhyun pulling him close once more, both under the canopy of the comforter, Kyuhyun trying to get Yesung to look at him once more, turning onto his side as he pulled Yesung onto his side, a hand firmly on his waist, fingers gripping tightly, so tight that Yesung would more than likely have a bruise to add to the others he had sustained through the night, Kyuhyun’s heavy leg thrown over Yesung as a restraint, forcing him onto his side as well, Kyuhyun’s free hand trying to sneak up between them to pull Yesung's face closer to him, the position being too awkward for that to happen well, Yesung pressing his hands against his chest. It’s not affectionate in any way. It’s meant to keep distance, or atleast as much as he can create, eyes closed, head as far away from Kyuhyun as possible.

It is less than a minute before Kyuhyun’s patience abandons him once more, digging a rough finger into Yesung's side, causing the man’s eye to fly open in shock, Kyuhyun determined to meet his gaze, eyes strong and unrelenting, ready to face him once more, ready to argue till he was blue.

He just needed to do something.

 All his bravado vanished however when the shot irises look back at him, brown and beautiful, pained and tortured and just so very tired. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what kept his tears back but he is grateful, the eyes looking back at him enough to make him cry a river, so defeated they were. He never thought he would see a day in which the spark in Yesung's eyes faded, a day where the brightness of his innocence dimmed, but there he was lost in a trance, lost to the coldness of the bitterness found in the eyes looking back at him. It’s not even the coldness that Yesung would have when he is angry; instead it’s just nothingness, empty sadness of someone who didn’t even want to be there. It’s not strong and damning, is weak and pitiful, empty and pained, lost to the world…

Broken.

Kyuhyun’s own emotions in a muddled mess, his heart aching for Yesung, aching for his own defeat, for his own sadness, wanting so bad to just hold on to Yesung and wish none of it was happening at all. What he wouldn’t have done to just have it all vanished.

It was their first anniversary and there they were fighting and hurting; miserable. He wished he knew what they did so wrong to deserve so much suffering, wished he knew what he did to Yesung to make him look at him like that, wished that Yesung never had to suffer, wished that Yesung never made him suffer. He closed his eyes for a second, swallowing the lump in his throat, his heart burning.

It was their one year anniversary for God’s sake! Instead of being where he wanted them to be they were drowning in their own misery, Kyuhyun wondering if the day would ever come when Yesung would let him in, wondering if Yesung would ever love him enough to let him see his heart, to share his thoughts.

 He was so wrong, so ing wrong!!

He thought, so stupidly at that, that Yesung was letting him in, that he was getting closer to him; instead it was back to where they began. Did anything ever change? After an entire year where all he did was love him with all his might, even then Yesung still rather rip himself apart than let him be beside him. He didn’t know what hurt more to be honest. The fact that Yesung let whatever it was that was bothering him destroy him or the fact that he let it do it and once more kept Kyuhyun at arm’s length. Kyuhyun hated the fact the Yesung was hurt, despised that he had let his mind cause him suffering on their special day, detested that Yesung had suffered in silence, but was simply broken by the fact that even after so long, Yesung chose to suffer in silence, that he once more did not love him or trust him enough to let him help him. What were they even doing anymore?

Nothing had changed, and Kyuhyun supposed that nothing was ever going to change, but how he wished that it would. He returned to look at the man that he loved ,eyes now less cold, but broken and pained, dim. Kyuhyun pushing down his own anger and sadness, wanting in that very second to just hold on to Yesung and promise him that it would all be alright, that whatever it was that hurt him was wrong and without basis, that Kyuhyun would protect him, even if he had to protect him from himself.

At the end of the day that was what it always boiled down to didn’t it?

No matter how hurt Kyuhyun was, he loved Yesung. He loved him too much to let anything else stand in the way, to let him be hurt. No matter what happened, he still wanted to be at his side and would still crave for the day that he let him in. That was the heartbreaking part, the one that would always taunt him. He was weak and stupid and foolish, and so many other things. The more Yesung held back was the more he wanted to be closer. He was a slave to his love and it scared the hell out of him.

He was afraid.

Afraid that one day he would have to admit that Yesung did not love him the way he loved Yesung, that he was wasting his time, that one day he would have to accept that he would not be the person he wanted to be to Yesung, that no matter what he did Yesung would never trust him, never completely accept him. He tried his best to destroy those thoughts, to let the affection that Yesung showed him wipe them from the face of the earth but when he was faced with days like these, it was hard not have those doubts, not to feel that pain, not to want to kick himself for always wanting Yesung so much. Kyuhyun sighed.

Even then Yesung was more important, even then Yesung was all he cared about, twisting his body until he could comfortably try for a hug, twisting until he had an arm wrapped around him small waist, Yesung just sort of limp against him, not fighting him exactly, just indifferent, Kyuhyun’s heart hurting but refusing to let go. Even though he had his share of doubt and fears, he loved him too much to let go. He could love him more, he could put himself out there, he could endure it all if it meant that he got to be with him. He would do it all. He could love Yesung enough for the both of them.

Having piece of him was better than having none at all.

He would probably never be satisfied, but he was willing to accept it because honestly it was not as if he could be away from him. Even if Yesung was a selfish bastard that didn’t care enough to respond to a hug that would comfort them both, he was grateful that he was the one that got to hold him, grateful that even then he was the one that got to be next him. He was pitiful. He knew he was. Maybe one day he would be embarrassed as he should be, one day he would learn to be indifferent as Yesung seemed to be, one day he would learn to be strong. He would hope for that day, though he knew that the only thing he was really ever hoping for was for Yesung to someday love him as much as he loved the older man, that Yesung would let him in completely. He could only tighten his grip on the man in his arms, Yesung refusing to respond, Kyuhyun only hoping that if nothing else he was a comfort to Yesung.

 At the end that was all that he cared about anyway. He only wanted Yesung to feel better.

♥규 성♥

A/N: They are two frustrating idiots aren't they?...sigh...we are finally getting into the bulk of it....soon we will delve into the reasons for their actions. I also love the fact that you guys have such different interpretations of them. All of these perspectives are really interesting...Keep them coming!