The Emergence of Fears

Chapter I

Yesung was not in a good mood. In fact he was in a God awful mood, so bad that he thought the universe had conspired to douse him in ice cold water and leave him out in the wilderness to be torn apart by rabid wolves, like in that movie he watched last week, with the creepy blizzard and the guy being pulled to pieces and freezing and dying all alone in a white desolate forest, with no one but his own  bitter vicious thoughts. Yesung seriously thinks he is experiencing something like that.

Even if his imagination is running away with him and he is in fact very far from a desolate frozen forest, instead locked in a small room on the 11^th floor of a building in Seoul, hiding on his bed, it is still that sort of feeling. It wasn’t even an oppressive winter, the months winding down slowly. The lurking of spring was already around in the air and the flowers outside where coming back to life, but somehow they were insufficient in fixing his mood, his mind stuck in that deserted frozen forest, body curled into a ball, covered in blood, waiting for his death.

Death……It was so much better than his current reality.

It was such a dark place, the sun hidden, the draft of wind, cold and oppressive, his mind feeling desolate and unreachable, hiding itself in a pit of misery. Not even the warmth of the comforter beneath his tense body or the light of his bedside lamp could convince his mind otherwise. The odd creature in its infinite wisdom had comprehensibly decided that it was much better to hide itself in a created misery than it was to open his eyes and return to his own reality.

The bitter cold was better than the empty bed, the deserted forest was better than the knowledge that he would soon be deserted as well, the wish to just stay frozen in ice, a thousand times better than the knowledge that when he opened his eyes he would wish he was not alive, that the days ahead would be cold and dark and bitter, burning his consciousness and filled with only suffering.

Atleast in his crazy delusions, he controlled the situation. The ice that surrounded him would keep everything else at bay; the sorrow that gripped his heart was the sort he could bear. He could slowly torture himself in there, he could suffer as the heavens had anointed, he could slowly wish he could close his eyes and not ever have to open them.

It was so much better than his reality, the knowledge that he would have to live without him bitter and damning, ripping parts of his heart to shreds, his mind lost to the images of his happiness being shattered into billions of pieces, the fragments scattered to wind, condemned to live with the knowledge that no matter what he did he would never make it whole again, that he could search the world over and never find the pieces, that they could never be glued together again; in its place a total emptiness, a vacuum of suffering and painful memories of what once was, destroyed by the knowledge that  he would never have the strength to destroy them no matter how much it hurt.

Even if those memories burned his insides and poisoned his mind they were his and they were precious, a beacon to the days gone by, a time when he was whole and happy, a time when he was at Kyuhyun’s side and in his heart. They were his link home, the place that he belonged, the place that had to exist for his own salvation, even if it could only do so in painful memories of days long gone. He would survive on them, because frankly; he would die without them.

He saw his future before his eyes and he bolted. He did what anyone in his position would do, he ran for the hills, ran until he couldn’t take another step, only in his case he couldn’t actually leave, confined to his existence as he was. He wished he could though. He would have done anything to just walk out that door and don’t look back, to hide himself in some nice calm cabin somewhere, surrounded by tall pines and oaks and a cold pitch blue lake, a place where he could get lost in the memories and never have to face the bitterness of reality.

It would be utterly pointless, he knew that. Even so, atleast he would  get to keep his perfect reality, his last interaction with his beloved would have been a kiss to the temple as he reminded him to get some sleep and be ready for his schedule. It would be perfect and special and just simple, an extract of their everyday lives. It wouldn’t be consequential or romantic or special, but it would be his happiest memory.

It would be a snapshot of the time when he could just love Kyuhyun and know the younger man loved him as much or even more than he loved him, when he could reach a hand out to Kyuhyun and caress his face, when he could hold his hand and gaze into his eyes, when he could wake up his childish beloved him and pull the stray pieces of hair back into place, when Kyuhyun would smile at him and he could feel his heart beat out of his chest, the shiver of skin and the fluttering in his stomach, that endless feeling of contentment settling in his heart, the brush of Kyuhyun’s hands against his, the sweetness of his grumbles, the cuteness of his theatrics and endless complaints about being awoken, a hand reaching out to grab at his body, the sneaky younger man pulling him onto the bed with him, a happy melodious chuckle followed by endless warmth, bright playful eyes gazing back at him, a cheeky grin as Kyuhyun leaned forward to press teasing kisses to his face, a helpless groan when he shifts away from him, Kyuhyun grumbling that he feels unloved as he tried to burrow himself closer to him, his nostrils assaulted by the intoxicating aroma of apples, wanting to stay in his place and hold on to Kyuhyun forever, closing his eyes to find the strength to push him away and out of his embrace, an apple flavoured kiss for his troubles.

That was his reality. The one he would do anything to hold on to. The one that he would protect to the ends of the earth.

Yet, he didn’t have the power to stop Kyuhyun from walking away. He knows he doesn’t.

It is inevitable and more than likely sure. He had already defied the odds to even have had a taste of such happiness. It shouldn’t have happened to begin with. People like him were never that lucky and now that he thought about it he should have known it won’t last. He argues that he did know however and that is enough to send his mind right back to that barren frozen waste land.

It was better to rot away in that field of endless nothingness, to let his mind retreat to place of suffering than it was to let it discover once more that he was a fool, that he had traded his wellbeing for a chance of happiness that was clearly fleeting. It was a mistake. Yet a true sin to ever think of it as such. It was conflicting and painful and endless and he was a fool. It was too hard to go there, too hard to know that he was going to fail, that he was going to have to face Kyuhyun soon and watch the younger man walk away from him. How could he realistically choose to face the world, when he knew that he would be losing his heart shortly? He could never be expected to look to the world when there would be only sadness in store for him.

Maybe he was a coward or maybe he was a weak soul that could never be saved; just a delusional freak that rather curl himself into a ball and hide in his room than face the world. He was indeed such a freak, seeing no point in denying it. It was much harder to admit to the cowardice though. A coward. That is what he was, whether he chose to acknowledge it or not. He not just hid in his room, wrapped up like some child now out of the womb, curling into himself in a painful grasp, but he was also too weak to even face his own mind.

 He was a man that was not even strong enough to deal with his own thoughts, instead choosing to let his mind wonder to a haven of destitute. The knowledge of his weakness enough to shatter whatever pillars he relied on for strength. The painful thoughts gashing at his sorry existence, sullied by his own aspirations that could have only ever brought him pain.

He deserved the penance though. Suffering was the only way that he could atone. Even in his created, imagined world of purity, he knew he didn’t deserve happiness. His own created haven was designed to cause him suffering. He had to be pay for his sins; he had to suffer for having such hope.

Who was he to defy the heavens? How could he be so bold as to even think a person of his temperament could have forever, so ever bold to even think he could have the love of someone as perfect and amazing and precious and wonderful...........what was he doing to himself? Why did he even leave his suffering to think of something else? He had to endure his condemnation. He was much too bold and he was even arrogant. He had dared to think he deserved happiness, that he had a chance to attain perfection.

He was wrong, the cost of that mistake the most painful form of atonement.

In a way, his suffering in the wilderness of his own mind was a form of kindness. It was a chance to atone for his misstep, a place where he could hide from reality, a place where he didn’t have the strength to think.  Thoughts were the most dangerous things indeed.

There, he could just replay that last moment in a loop, continuously see Kyuhyun’s eyes staring into his with love and affection and a promise of forever. It was a dirty sinister place, one that would crumble one day and leave him in the blistering frigid open. On that day he would shatter, be completely destroyed, his completeness a thing from the bitter miserable memories that taunted him, but until then he could atone in peace. He could have a false frozen haven where he could hold on to his happiness, hold on to his delusions, to never have to see the day that Kyuhyun walked out of his life.

 He was a coward, one that refused to face reality.

Even he knew that hiding in his mind with his delusions was pointless and would not save him at the end of the day. He was wrong and weak and foolish, and he rather hide in a blizzard of his own creation. He rather hide in the tart comforts of his mind than look away towards the emptiness of his bed or the snide remark that would break his heart.

 It was truly better to hide from reality. If he wanted to live, there was nothing else he could do. He could only wish that he could learn to hide from the harshness o his own thoughts. Sometimes his mind was the most vicious enemy.

There were just so many painful things he had to avoid, that he had to flee from.

It wasn’t just Kyuhyun that he didn’t want to face, but his own tangled treacherous mind. The sadistic bipolar creature  that tried to comfort and destroy him, all in the same breath, hiding from his own claws, the ones that extracted itself and dug painfully into his consciousness, setting everything ablaze, instead of fire, the heat of the most forbidding cold.

The vile, all powerful creature intent on showing him just how lacking he really was, just how easy it would be for Kyuhyun to walk away, just how powerless he was to stop him. No matter how he looked at it, he would never compete. It was just something that he could never achieve, something that was never possible to attain. It is not like he could blame Kyuhyun though. He couldn’t hate him for doing what was right. At the end of the day that was the main point wasn’t it?

 They were the ones that were wrong. They were the ones doing something they shouldn’t; they were breaking the norm and stretching their hands out to something that they had no right to even think about, much less try to hold on to. The nature of their relationship itself was problematic, supposing that they could ever be together in sin was even worst.

 It was his punishment maybe. Punishment for thinking that he and Kyuhyun ever had a chance.

 Even so, he desperately prayed though that he would be the only one being punished. Even then he wanted Kyuhyun to be happy. He could be destroyed, ripped into unidentifiable pieces, drowned in the fires of hell, all that and more as long as Kyuhyun was happy. As long as Kyuhyun lived a life filled with joy and contentment and the affection of the people that he cared about; Yesung would be happy. He was foolish and derange and just plain stupid, but even then despite his own heartbreak he could and would only pray for Kyuhyun to be happy. It was all he would ever want, all he could hope for, all his love sicken mind would ever wish for. If Kyuhyun was happy then he would be too……………he would right?

Why did he even bother to think about it? Wasn’t that why he let his mind create that forest, that wasteland? He needed to return there immediately. He needed to stop his mind from reaching out to reality, stop his mind from letting the truth in. He needed to hide, to protect himself from it all. All he wanted to do was get lost in that perfect special memory, to drown in the contours of Kyuhyun’s scarred face, to remember the shivers his soft lips created, to savour the aroma of apples, to remember a time when he was the one that Kyuhyun loved. To remember when they made a promise to love each other forever, when they could have planned a future together, when they held on and won’t let go.

He had to stay there; he had to stay where it was safe, where he had Kyuhyun’s love, where he had his heart.

It was such a precious thing, something infinitely beautiful and wonderful and that alone should have told him that it was never meant to be left in his care. It was much too valuable to ever be left in his clumsy hands, his fingers much too small and deformed to ever truly be able to hold on to something that important, that special. He was just fooling himself before, or maybe it was the heavens being cruel.

A bitter cruel joke from the start.

They gave him hope of a future he couldn’t have, a love that he couldn’t keep and a wound in his heart that would never heal. The heavens were cruel and deceitful, torturing him in the worst ways, but somehow he knows in the depths of his soul that it was worth it. He suffered and would suffer even more soon, but he didn’t regret.

He would never regret.

Not when he had that precious memory to return to, not when he could retreat into his frozen haven and hide with that memory wrapped around him, not when he could still remember the weight of Kyuhyun’s legs thrown over his thighs, or the scent of his skin or the taste of his throat or the softness of his lips. He could still remember where Kyuhyun placed his hands, always in the same place, just about the small of his back, the possessive bastard. Even when he slept he kept him close, Yesung giggling at his cute snores, wanting nothing more than to keep the sound memorized in his soul. It would be that sound that gave peace, the lullaby his mind would supply to help him sleep when the space beside him was empty, when his life was bereft, when he didn’t have Kyuhyun anymore.

It would be soon won’t it?

 How long could he realistically hide from Kyuhyun? Sooner or later, the younger man would walk into that room, hold his arms and tell him he was leaving him, that he wanted to be normal, that he wanted to be with someone better than he was, that he wanted a chance at perfect and no longer wanted to deal with a moody temperamental idiot that could do nothing right and only claim to fame was his endless strings of fails.

 It could only be a matter a time.

 If it wasn’t today, it would be the day after or a month later or the month after. It would come and come soon. He had to do something; he had to do anything really to protect himself. It was a pointless wish; he knew that. What could he possibly do to stop his heart from breaking? What on earth could he possibly do at that point to keep himself from being completely destroyed? He had made the mistake at first. He had let himself think he could have that sort of reality, had let his foolish mind be deceived by the fates, had let the warmth of Kyuhyun’s body and the sweetness of his words lead him astray, had let it make him weak and delusional, made him careless.

He knew better. That was the worst part. It truly was.

 Since that first day, he knew he couldn’t hold on to Kyuhyun, he knew that it would be fleeting, that it would just be a lapse of judgement by the younger man, knew that one day Kyuhyun would see the error of his ways, that he would see that he was not that attractive and old and flawed and imperfect and not a girl and he just had so many things wrong with him.

Kyuhyun was an idiot to ever think he loved him and a bigger fool to even think it was a good idea to hold on to him, to kiss him, to touch him, to ever think that Yesung was someone he could spend his life with. It was just so far out of the probabilities that Yesung thinks he could actually hate him for it. Why did he have to be so stupid? Why did he have to think he loved Yesung? And…God why did he have to hurt him? Why couldn’t he just get over his stupid lapse in judgement and move on? Why did he have to act as if they could have a forever? Why did he have to reach into his chest and pull out Yesung's heart and brand it with his name? Why did he have to be so goddamn perfect all the freaking time and make Yesung love him so much? Why did he reach for his hand if he knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t hold on to it forever? Why did he have to hurt him?............just why……….when he loved him so much? When he would do anything to hold on to him? He couldn’t blame Kyuhyun though…..he loved him too much to ever think he could do wrong. That naturally meant it was his own fault. He was the hyung. He should have known better, should have anticipated it.

People like Kyuhyun didn’t love people like him. When they said they did, they were fooling themselves.

 Kyuhyun must have seen the error of his thoughts by then. He had been shown perfection, so he would have no reason to return to suffering. Why would he? It was unfair to expect Kyuhyun to want to return to their life together. Yesung was in love and that naturally made him a fool, but he was in no way naïve. He knew being locked in their room all the time would have an effect, that it would be too hard one day for Kyuhyun. He also knew that he could only expect Kyuhyun to go so long without physical intimacy.

Kyuhyun was young. Things like that would be ingrained in his head and Yesung could understand the younger man’s predicament. It was hard for him as well, hard to know that he was involved in a relationship and still couldn’t ever get to that point. Even after nearly a year, they still couldn’t get there and at some point enough would be enough wouldn’t it?

With someone else the attraction would come easier and the blood would be in the right place and he could experience what everyone his age wanted at times. He was not a fool to think the year had not been hard on Kyuhyun, that it had not been hard on himself, not foolish enough to think that would not bother Kyuhyun, that it would not be a factor. He could never be that naïve. No matter what they did, the attraction was still a bit slow and whilst they had progressed significantly, it was obviously still not where it should be for either to find fulfilment. Whilst he could wish with his whole heart that Kyuhyun endured a little longer, he would never fault him if he decided that he couldn’t.

Sometimes it was just too hard.

 Yesung knew that all too well. How long could be expected Kyuhyun to enjoy hiding away in a small bedroom, with a tiny window and never being out in the light. He couldn’t remember the last time they went on a proper date. Was it his birthday? Or that time they went to the restaurant? In a year, he could probably recall every time they ventured outside together on a date. Honestly he was satisfied with it, but then again he was not a good comparator. If Kyuhyun smiled at him in the middle of a blizzard and slid his hand into his he would think that he was in heaven. Even if Kyuhyun said it didn’t matter, how could it not?

Kyuhyun was out going and active and had a life and was filled with energy and deserved better!

 Kyuhyun was much too precious to be treated like some dirty secret that he had to hide away. He was deluding himself if he pretended that he did not see the sadness in Kyuhyun’s eyes each time he had to tell him not to touch him or release his hand when they were in public or if their parents were nearby. It broke his own heart every single times, so much so that he thought he died a little each time, that he lost piece  of his soul each time he denied that he loved Kyuhyun more than life.

 It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right and he had no right at all to ask Kyuhyun to suffer like that.

 Happiness was at his feet and he had the audacity to ask Kyuhyun to suffer, ask him to give up flower lined paths in the blessed sun light, for the cold of midnight along cracked concrete, to give up wonderfully adorned restaurants to never leaving a small room…………..he couldn’t even remember the last time he ate in a restaurant with Kyuhyun on a date.

He couldn’t remember holding his hand or smiling at him across a table, he couldn’t remember taking him somewhere nice and just letting him be happy. Even his surprise was a complete fail that one time and their official dates were ruined in some way. They had been together nearly a year or probably a year and had been on maybe five dates. Something was clearly wrong with that picture. He was a selfish bastard to expect Kyuhyun to suffer like that.

No matter how much the younger claimed he didn’t mind, how could he realistically not? Yesung was pointedly ignoring the timid voice whispering from the depths, trying to convince him of something thing that was not true, the words repeating on a loop that he ignored. Kyuhyun would endure the same way he did, the same way that he did not miss any of those things, that he was happy to just cuddle at night with Kyuhyun in his arms and drown in the sweet smell of apples and to forget everything else. That was when he was happiest, when he was truly drowning in love. He refused to think however that Kyuhyun could feel the same way.

He was a freak…….a sad pitiful dependent freak that loved Kyuhyun more than should be humanly possible and that made him an idiot that would think standing in a torrential downpour in the freezing cold was magnificent if Kyuhyun just stood beside him. Clearly he had issues. He was dead wrong to ever think that it would be okay to make Kyuhyun have that sort of life. That was how he knew the  perfidious fates had been fair to him, why he chose to hide in his haven and  why he choose…..to hold on a memory rather than hold on to Kyuhyun.

 It was his last act of love, his last act of devotion to his beloved.

 He would let him go free, let him have his chance at happiness, let him be allowed to do all the things that he deserved to have and do. He would let go of his selfishness, his would cut it there and then, end its hold and let Kyuhyun go, with his heart broken and a pained smile. Is there anything he can’t do for Kyuhyun? He could tear his own soul from his body and rip it to shreds if it meant Kyuhyun would be happy.

It was the least he could do for his beloved.

 It was the only way he could pay for his sin, atone for his misdeed and have the heavens forgive him. He had so much to atone for though. How could one person be so goddamn selfish? How could be he hold on to Kyuhyun so tightly, so freaking shamelessly? He knew better. He knew that Kyuhyun deserved happiness, that Kyuhyun deserved to be treated like some precious jewel, that he must never be hurt, that he was supposed to be cherished and caressed and kept hidden and protected.

 He loved Kyuhyun. He really and truly did.

He loved him so much that sometimes he thought that Kyuhyun was part of him, that he would never be complete without Kyuhyun, that the brat was his heart and his soul, that he was the air that he breathed or the light in the darkness, the soothing voice in the depths of his consciousness, the beacon on stormy seas. Kyuhyun was practically everything to him. He would do anything for him, even let him go. He loved him enough to know that he was not what Kyuhyun needed, what Kyuhyun deserved.

Kyuhyun could have a chance at normal, a chance at happiness, the chance to escape and keep his life in a perfect state, a possibility of not disappointing his parents, of getting married and having a family, he had a chance at the perfection that Yesung could never give him. No matter how much he loved Kyuhyun there were just some things that he would never be able to give him, sometimes he would just not be what the younger needed.

He was naïve when he thought love would be enough. He was foolish to get lost in that fantasy, to let his childish thoughts affect his decisions. He didn’t have the strength to even wish that he had not accepted Kyuhyun’s confession though. He would be lying to himself if he claimed as much. He was atleast man enough to admit that he was a selfish bastard, that he was wanted that little bit of happiness, that he didn’t care if Kyuhyun would suffer, that he let his own pitiful need to have his feelings return be the guide for his actions.

 He knew then that Kyuhyun was better off without him. If he truly loved Kyuhyun he would have told him to forget it, told him to bury those fleeting feelings and wait for them to pass, told him to forget him, to find a nice girl and get married and have beautiful babies with his smile and his eyes and his cheeks and his nose and just jaw line and…….just perfect little babies that looked exactly like their perfect daddy, told him to make his parents proud, to be normal and happy.

 If he truly loved Kyuhyun he would have put Kyuhyun’s wellbeing first. Instead he was a selfish bastard that only thought of his happiness. He loved Kyuhyun so much that he just wanted to be with him, to be at his side and in his life, to be the one that he held on to, the one that he loved. He was the awful person that chose his own happiness over Kyuhyun’s wellbeing.

He was so sick in the head that he had convinced himself that he could make Kyuhyun happy, that he could make the younger man feel joy and fulfilment; that he could make Kyuhyun experience the same sort of joy that he did. He was wrong. Even if Kyuhyun smiled at him or insisted that he was happy, he knew better and yet each time he chose to accept Kyuhyun’s words like the freaking coward that he was. He rather trust Kyuhyun than face the truth. He rather think that he made Kyuhyun happy than accept that he was just holding back the younger man.

Even then he was still being selfish.

Why was it that he chose to hide in his room, hide inside of his mind instead of facing Kyuhyun? Why was he making it hard for him to end it? Instead of facing Kyuhyun and accepting that Kyuhyun would leave him, he selfishly choose to hide from him, to hold on the memories that weren’t suppose to be his and delude himself into thinking that was enough, that he would be satisfied with that. If he were truly brave, he would have just given Kyuhyun the chance to walk away instead of hiding in his fortress, he would have accepted that he couldn’t hold on the memories that way, that he had to let Kyuhyun free.

 He was weak though.

He couldn’t do it with his own mouth. Even if it were the right thing to do, he just couldn’t do it……………they should just condemn him to the pits of hell. Even when it was before his eyes and in his contemplation, he rather seek shelter and comfort than face the truth, he rather shamelessly hold on to Kyuhyun than let him go. The bravado was quickly slipping away and he didn’t know what to do. The right thing was clear and obvious.

It was simple but he just couldn’t do it………he couldn’t!!

He was an awful person. He knew he was.

He was a selfish ungrateful bastard and he would burn in hell for it. He would have his heart shattered and his soul ripped to shreds, just for his sin. He was weak and pitiful and undeserving and was meant to suffer. Even his self created haven had to be a destitute and desolate; it had to be made of bitterness and ice. He didn’t deserve better. He had to suffer. It was the only way to pay for his weakness. Even when he knew better , he still let his still be fooled by an impossible wish……….

He knew, not to say he didn’t.  He freaking knew!!

He knew Kyuhyun would be happier without him, yet he refused to let him go. He promised himself so ardently that he would do it but he couldn’t…….he refused to.

He promised himself that he would do whatever it took. He promised that he would let the younger free, that he would do anything to let Kyuhyun be happy, even shatter his own heart and yet somehow he had failed to do it. He was once again being selfish, wanting something that was not his, that was never supposed to be his to keep. He should be grateful for what he had and let it go. If he had a conscience he wouldn’t even be grateful for that. He would instead ask for forgiveness. He was wrong then and instead of doing penance he enjoyed it, he savoured it. He benefited from his selfishness and didn’t even have the decency to feel guilty.

He taunted those perfect happy memories in his mind as if they were some sort of shield, refusing to acknowledge them for what they were, the damning evidence of his sin. Each time he smiled when he remembered the look in Kyuhyun’s eyes or the brush of his hands, he was continuing his unconscionable conduct. Each time he tried to protect those memories, each time he retreated to that haven instead of facing Kyuhyun, instead of letting him go, he was continuing his sin. He was a horrible person that deserved to suffer. There were no two ways about it.

Even if Kyuhyun was not going to do it, he should have the decency to release Kyuhyun, to act as his hyung and explain to Kyuhyun that he would be happier without him to hold him back, that he should take the opportunities presented to him and move on, that he would be happy for him.

That was it though, wasn’t it?....... He won’t be happy for him.

He knew he wouldn’t be happy without Kyuhyun. No matter how he looked at it, he couldn’t see a way he could possibly be happy without his BabyKyu. The brat was his life now. He was part of him. Even if he ripped out his heart, he wouldn’t be rid of him. He was nearly certain that he could peel his skin and he would still feel the contours of Kyuhyun’s fingers against his wrist or the brush of his nose against his throat when Kyuhyun snuggled up to him to sleep. He was even positive that he could strip his soul and wipe his mind and somehow Kyuhyun would still be part of him, like he was in his blood or in his flesh. He couldn’t let go of Kyuhyun, he just couldn’t! He didn’t have the strength to do it. He didn’t know how and didn’t want to. It was an awful combination to be honest. He would never achieve anything that way.

He was too distraught with fear and guilt to truly fight for Kyuhyun and he was much too cowardly and selfish to actually release him. What was he supposed to do then? He did exactly what he shouldn’t have done; he pulled away and went into hiding. He had given himself enough time to think about everything without Kyuhyun and had decided that he just wanted to hide in his haven, to let the ice burn him for his sin and let the burrow he created permit him to hold on to his memories, to hold on to Kyuhyun. He was not in any way ready to come out and face reality.

There was no way he could look at Kyuhyun and deal with his conscience, to know that he wronged the younger man, to know that it wasn’t Kyuhyun’s fault but his, to know that he would have to one day be strong enough to break his heart with his own hand or let Kyuhyun shatter it himself, which would probably be even more painful.

He had come to a decision though or atleast he hoped that he did.

A/N: First Chapter. Word Count 6,066---Yeah...its alot of angst