The Emergence of Fears

Chapter XI

The hand was strong and firm, warm and tiny, beautiful and adorable and the skin burned where it touched, Kyuhyun’s heart leaping out his chest. He was pissed and so freaking giddy he could kick himself in the face for continuously lacking a freaking backbone, but that didn’t matter, nothing mattered at all.

YESUNGWAS HOLDING ON TO HIM!!!

That was all that would register to Kyuhyun anyway. His hands were so warm and strong and his skin so soft and it was just so freaking perfect! He thought he would die from the happiness he felt in that moment, a blush crawling up his neck that he was forcibly pushing back down because he was clearly overreacting and it was not a big deal….and who was he kidding? He could jump for freaking  joy. His skin burning deliciously and his heart purring and he is sure it’s just the absolute shock that kept him from splitting his face in a painful grin.

He  knows very well that it’s stupid and he was being a fool, but  he refused to deny the sheer relief he felt, coupled with the natural joy that comes from the knowledge that all hope was not lost as yet. With the direction his mind was taking him before, a hand to his wrist felt like hope. It was that elusive raft when freezing in ice cold water, death imminent, holding on with that threadbare determination to live, warm hands on blistering cold skin.

Salvation.

 Maybe he did matter to Yesung, maybe he was important to him, maybe Yesung had cared about all that proceeded, maybe he did care that Kyuhyun was sad.

No matter how foolish it was Kyuhyun wanted to hold on to anything that could give him hope. He loved Yesung too much to ever let him go and was sadly desperate enough to grab hold of anything that would even suggest that Yesung loved him the way he loved the older man. Kyuhyun swallowed the blush and the urge to cry in glee, instead he tried to build the courage required to turn and face the man that had just given him hope.

 The grip on his hand was tight, Yesung clearly not willing to let him go either, Kyuhyun wanting to cry in relief, happy that he was possibly just overreaching and had let his fears cloud reality. Creating doomsday in his imagination was a lot better than it happening in reality always. He was further encouraged to return to Yesung when the man tugged on his arm, strong and delicate at the same time, grip tightening even more.

Kyuhyun supposed if he had any self respect he would just break the hold and walk away, take strong steps and never look back.

Yesung had just done the same to him.

For three days Yesung had rejected him, even after he had tried so hard to reach out to him. Yesung had spurred his love and his affection, especially his attention. He had acted as if Kyuhyun had no value and he didn’t care about Kyuhyun or their relationship. He had just evicted Kyuhyun from their room only minutes ago and was adamant about not speaking to him, being a stubborn jackass and refusing to let Kyuhyun help him. He had even kicked Kyuhyun in the face, all whilst being a right .

 If Kyuhyun had any sense of self respect he would return the favour. He would hold his head high and walk away; he would show Yesung that he was not someone that could treat Kyuhyun that way. That was honestly the best course of action or it would have been if Yesung was someone normal. Anyone else would have seen it as revenge, Yesung would see it as Kyuhyun abandoning him and then where would that lead them? All it would do was breed resentment and cause Yesung to distance himself more.

At the end of the day Kyuhyun could live without his pride, but he didn’t think he could live without Yesung.

He wanted to be closer to Yesung, not to create more distance. If Yesung was reaching out to him he had to grab hold of him. With Yesung that was all he would get and he couldn’t waste it. He would obviously make Yesung suffer for torturing him, but right then he knew he had a bigger issue to deal with and that was helping Yesung. He could torture him for all his suffering later. First he had to take care of him and their relationship.

He turned towards the direction of the tug, trying for a smile but it felt foreign to his lips. He was happy that Yesung was acting but he was still wary from the happenings so far. Then there was also no incentive to do so, Yesung still looking defeated, except this time instead of dead cold eyes or pure pain he could clear see determination and fire and felt his heart jump in glee when he realized that the determination was directed at him.

Yesung was determined to keep him in place, to prevent him from leaving his side. If there was anything in the world that could make Kyuhyun feel better after the last couple of hours he had it would be seeing some affection from Yesung, some sort of indication that he loved him and wanted Kyuhyun by his side. It would be even better than that bottle of Messorio Merlot that he had been saving for pure depression. He much preferred Yesung's unique way of showing that he was atleast concerned about Kyuhyun and wished for him to be at his side, than the rare vintage of wine that he savoured.

 It was easy to get the weak smile up seeing the look in his eye and Kyuhyun made no protest when he tugged him harder, Kyuhyun interpreting it to mean that Yesung wanted him back on the bed, letting Yesung pull him entirely. He was not sandbagging exactly, but if Yesung wanted him there, he would have to work for it. He had pride too, and a lot of it. It was just fortunate that he loved Yesung more than he cared for his pride, otherwise it would have been much different.

 It was hard for Yesung to do it, Kyuhyun not impeding but not assisting either, Yesung extending another hand to pull Kyuhyun back on the bed the same determination seen before even more amplified, Kyuhyun feeling better as he pressed his knee on the mattress, Yesung shifting along with Kyuhyun, coming to sit upright with his back pressed against the wall, dragging Kyuhyun to sit beside him, exactly in their spots. Kyuhyun smiled genuinely then, settling against the wall waiting to see what Yesung would do next. He had yet to speak, just bringing Kyuhyun closer to him.

What he did next however was not something that Kyuhyun expected and he thinks he may have uttered  a sound similar to a squawk but even that may be a bit too kind to describe the sound he made when Yesung crawled onto his lap. To say it was shocking would be a gross understatement. It was something that Kyuhyun would never have expected in his entire life and maybe even in his days after death. If it didn’t happen to him he would never believe it. Hell! If it was not for the weight of the smaller man pressed to his thighs he would think he was dreaming or having some crazy fantasy.

 The last time he tried to tug Yesung near his lap to make them both comfortable as they watched a movie, Yesung had smacked across the back of his head and told him that he was not a child and if Kyuhyun repeated the action he would kill him. Kyuhyun was desperate to point out that he had actually pulled Kyuhyun onto his lap a couple of times and as if he were reading his mind he clarified that Kyuhyun was in fact a child and that was still acceptable. Kyuhyun was not pleased then, but had to accept it, since Yesung decided that was the perfect time to draw patterns on his face and Kyuhyun rather liked that idea. Yesung was just sneaky that way. Kyuhyun never had the urge to say anything when his cheeks burned and his heart purred.

On that authority, the fact that Yesung willingly chose to crawl onto his lap scared the hell out of him. It was not something that was expected and Kyuhyun was at a loss as to what to do, Yesung perched on his lap, silent as the bed, his hands wrapping around Kyuhyun’s neck, Kyuhyun feeling his body tingle with just the feel of Yesung at all. He really needed to focus before he lost mind, Yesung still silent.

Kyuhyun gasped in surprise once more when Yesung threw his body on him, wrapping Kyuhyun up in a tight hug, his chest pressed against Kyuhyun’s chest, twisted at an angle as he sat on his lap, legs spreading forward as he wrapped himself up completely with Kyuhyun, burying his head in Kyuhyun’s throat moulding completely against Kyuhyun, arms over Kyuhyun’s shoulder and caressing his back, just against him and silently holding on.

 Kyuhyun released a breath, his heart pounding in his chest, Yesung's seemingly not much better, feeling the rapid thumps against his chest from Yesung's heart, wanting it to settle, lifting his arms until he was holding Yesung prisoner.

 He was hesitant at first, not wanting to return to that place, but this time Yesung was holding on to him. It was the least he could do. It would have been harder not to draw closer to that warmth or not get lost in that scent that always took his mind away. If Yesung was giving him an opportunity to hold on to him, he was going to take it. Have no doubt about that. He would definitely take it.

He exhaled once more, relief and satisfaction and happiness and annoyance and so many other things he wanted to release, just wanting to hold on his most precious possession, finally getting to be the pillar to Yesung that he had always wanted to be. Yesung had yet to speak, instead just holding on to him tighter, his nose brushing against Kyuhyun’s throat, Yesung sighing against the skin causing goosebumps to rise, but Kyuhyun was determined to hold still.

There must be a reason he was holding on to him.

 Kyuhyun was positive that Yesung was trying to let him in and whilst it was small, it was a step in the right direction. With Yesung you had to work in baby steps and Kyuhyun was more than willing in that light. He could be Yesung's strength, the person that gave him solace. That was all he ever wanted anyway. The fact that Yesung was seeking refuge in his arms and on his lap meant something to him. It was that beacon of light that would help push back all his doubts and ill thoughts.

He had to remember that things like that were hard for Yesung.

All he truly wanted was for him to atleast try and now he was. He was finally trying to let Kyuhyun in and that made him happy. He could live with a little, once Yesung tried. It was the marked indifference and the blatant refusal that hurt him. Once Yesung atleast tried to open his heart to him he would be satisfied.

Kyuhyun tightened his hold once more, completely having as much of Yesung pressed against him as possible, dipping his head to rub against Yesung's hair, petting him as you would a cat, Yesung sighing once more, but this one seemed more comfortable rather than pained or atleast Kyuhyun hoped so and not that he was reading more into it than there was. With Yesung he could never be sure, but he thinks he reads him pretty well. If he didn’t they wouldn’t be there. Their relationship would have died a long time ago.

 Not to say that he was perfect.

Clearly he wasn’t but he was a lot better than anyone else and was the closest anyone had ever come save and except for Yesung's immediate family.  He considered it to be some sort of achievement all on its own. If there was some sort of certificate he would have displayed it quite proudly. He should really look into that he decided as he pressed a kiss to the silent man’s temple.

He was surprised however when Yesung shifted. Not the good kind where he would a twist in his lap to get closer but the sort where he was unwrapping himself from Kyuhyun, starting with his hands. Kyuhyun wanted to hold on and force him to stay in his arms but he knew that was a bad idea. Even if he forgets sometimes, he knew that Yesung did things in his own time, in his own way. It was obviously frustrating but it was something that Kyuhyun had just learn to accept. Yesung was not someone that anyone could change and he didn’t want him to, just that he wanted him to trust him more. Perhaps in time? It had only been one year. They still had atleast 40 years together given the life expectancy of a Korean male. It would take time perhaps. Kyuhyun would just have to buy some patience he decided.

With some hesitance he let Yesung remove his hands from around his shoulder, smiling atleast when he caught sight of the older man’s face, his skin no longer so pallid but a soft redness taking shape, Kyuhyun holding back a sweet giggle when he noticed Yesung glance down at where he was sitting and then hurriedly tried to remove himself, the redness apparently his embarrassment, nearly tumbling over in his haste, Kyuhyun’s hands being used to steady him, shy eyes looking at him before they looked away, this time Kyuhyun amused rather than annoyed. With some help Yesung slid into the spot next to him, back resting against the wall, the atmosphere exceedingly awkward for them both, only broken when Yesung reached for Kyuhyun’s hands, lacing their fingers together as he pulled their hands to his lap, head resting against the wall, eyes closed.

The silence persisted but Kyuhyun didn’t feel awkward anymore. Yesung was doing what he wanted him to do. He was holding on to him as he tried to find his strength. That was all Kyuhyun wanted from the start, all he had hoped for. He never expected or wanted Yesung to give him great love confessions or to be jumping through his skin to tell him every bad thought he had or everything that went through his mind. He didn’t want Yesung to act like some love sick fool or to be exceedingly romantic, or be anything else that he wasn’t.

Kyuhyun loved the flawed man as he was.

 He knew that he was moody and strange and prone to bouts of depression and confusion, that he had a mind from hell that gave him pain. Kyuhyun knew all those things and had accepted it as they were. He knew there would be things that Yesung would hold back and times when he would have a hard time expressing his love. Kyuhyun was prepared to accept that fact, even if he sometimes forgot.

He was a person too.

 Sometime it was hard for him to remember that things did not work the normal way with Yesung. Sometimes he wanted to be treated with that sort of openness. He supposed it was normal to want those things, but at the same time he was the one that erred. He was wrong to expect something from Yesung that knew the older man could not or would not give.

He had not been deceived in anyway.

Yesung had even outright told him that he was bad at things like that and Kyuhyun still wanted him. Kyuhyun therefore had to learn to adjust, to fix his expectations and take his time with Yesung. With such thoughts and counsel swirling in his head, Kyuhyun felt apologetic to the man sitting beside him. He was wrong for trying to force him, or holding him accountable for something that he could never give him. Yesung at the same time had to try though. No matter how Kyuhyun thought about it, all he was asking Yesung to do was try for him. He didn’t think it was such a tall order.

He had accepted that there would be things that Yesung would not do, but at the same time Yesung had to atleast be willing to meet Kyuhyun half way. Kyuhyun just wanted him to atleast try. That way it wouldn’t just be Kyuhyun reaching out to him. Yesung was trying now though, the fingers caressing his saying so.

The silence was peaceful. Kyuhyun knew it was Yesung's time to think about things, to decide if he could let Kyuhyun see his heart. Once he kept holding on to Kyuhyun’s hand, Kyuhyun was willing to accept whatever he decided , though he said a silent pray to the heavens, begging it to persuade Yesung into him letting him get just a little peak if he could. There was nothing else that Kyuhyun could do. Yesung would decide in whatever manner he wanted no matter what Kyuhyun did, so he sat beside him, he played with his fingers and gave him silent support. He was telling him he would be at his side no matter what; he just had to let him.

With eyes closed he called on all his patience, resting against the wall as he provided silent support.

“It’s hard for me Kyuhyun ah. It’s really hard to let you in. It will hurt too much when you leave me………..I know you will leave me soon…….Leave me for that girl you met. I can’t let you hurt me more Kyuhyun ah. I just can’t do that to myself…not even for you” Yesung explained sadly, voice weak and pained, though he was steady, eyes unable to look at Kyuhyun, instead staring at the wall ahead of him.

Why didn’t he and Kyuhyun ever get around to repainting it anyway? It was always so plain looking and they both sort of liked colour. Well he really liked colour, Kyuhyun wouldn’t care, but they should have changed it. It didn’t matter now ofcourse, but anything was better than thinking about the words he had just confessed.

He had no intention of ever having that conversation, of ever broaching that subject in his lifetime.

He was all set on just returning to his icy haven and just letting it all go and accepting it as it all came. Fighting with Kyuhyun was hard enough and he just wanted it to end. The emotional stress was nearly deadly, feeling as if the earth had fallen out from under him and he was desperate for salvation. He was grateful that he and Kyuhyun rarely ever fought, thankful that they had made great memories and he was very much inclined to keep it like that. He wanted Kyuhyun to remember the good things not the bad, he wanted to protect him from the darkness of his dark corrupted mind. Kyuhyun didn’t need to see the bitterness that he kept hidden.

He was in no way inclined to show Kyuhyun exactly how imperfect and wrong he was for him. He was going to let Kyuhyun see that himself and accept it as the truth. He was all set on letting it go that way, to just forget it all and deal with his grief on his own. They were his burdens to bear and he refused to be a detractor to Kyuhyun. He was sure the younger was better off as far away from him and his imperfections as possible. Even after all that fighting, he was determined to let it end like that. Kyuhyun was wasting his time with him for some unknown reason and he was glad that he was going to stop. Or he thought he was.

Something about Kyuhyun walking away from him caused him to snap.

It was like dying a thousand deaths and burning in a fiery pit. Everything in him ached, down to his bitter cold mind that was insisting that Kyuhyun deserved freedom from his burdensome influence, yet the second Kyuhyun finally pulled away he lost it all, a blinding urge to hold on to his BabyKyu overpowering every other emotion he had ever felt. He didn’t care that he was selfish or weak or useless or that he was annoying Kyuhyun. He didn’t feel fear or worry or doubt or any of those other things that seemed so important to him before. It was like they were eradicated by a wave of unrelenting force, washed away as if they never existed, a solitude thought being the only concept that was granted an existence by the salient wave that washed him clean, leaving nothing in its place but this powerful urge to seize what was his and never release it.

There was no doubt, no thoughts, no hesitancy.

Kyuhyun was not to be permitted to leave his side, to leave his arms, to leave his life. The vision of Kyuhyun’s body slipping away was like some beacon of distress, a pull at every fibre of his body to grant him salvation. The second Kyuhyun’s weight left his form he felt empty, bereft of life and purpose, as if he had lost piece of his soul. It was like drowning with the surface only a hair’s breathe away. He felt suffocated and sick and weak and lifeless. With unknown strength he did the only thing he could fathom in his mind and reach for Kyuhyun, holding on with all the strength he would muster after three gruelling days of hell.

 He didn’t even know what he was going to do after that, he just knew he couldn’t let Kyuhyun go.

He dragged him closer simple because he was terrified that his hands would give out and Kyuhyun would leave. He couldn’t let Kyuhyun leave him! He just couldn’t. By the time Kyuhyun was on the bed he was mindless, lost in his emptiness, holding on to that one thought. Kyuhyun had to be at his side, he had to keep Kyuhyun beside him. He was sitting on Kyuhyun’s lap and drowning in the sweetness of apples before he even knew what he was doing. He only knew he had to hold on to Kyuhyun. Nothing else mattered.

By the time he regained some of his senses, he knew he had a decision to make.

 He was torn honestly.

He had never wanted Kyuhyun to see that side of him, or to make the younger feel guilty. As much as he wanted to keep Kyuhyun beside him, he refused to use guilt as a weapon. He wanted Kyuhyun to want to stay with him, not because he was forced to. The same circumstances existed. He knew that they weren’t changed. All he did was stop it temporarily, but at the end of the day the choice was still Kyuhyun’s. He would still decide to leave him for someone better and he could do nothing to stop him. He had only decided that he was not going to be the one that let him go.

 Kyuhyun was going to have to do that on his own. He only wanted Kyuhyun to be happy, so was resolved not to impede him but he still unwilling to give him more opportunities to see his imperfection. It was still his problem and not Kyuhyun’s but something was wrong. He could just feel it. He just had to look at Kyuhyun and he felt like a villain, as if he was the one that was causing all the harm. Kyuhyun looked pitiful and distraught and with his new clarity, when he was not so self absorbed that he could finally focus on Kyuhyun a little bit, he knew he had to do something. He was vaguely aware of what Kyuhyun wanted, even if he could not understand why the younger wanted to look into the darkness so much.

 Kyuhyun was odd he decided.

He was left to decide if he was willing to give Kyuhyun what he wanted.

 It was not a simple decision to make. It was against all the blockades that he had erected. Letting Kyuhyun in would hurt more. It was dangerous and irreparable. If he let Kyuhyun in he would never be whole again. He had to take care of himself as well. He had to protect atleast some of his heart. He was positive he would be destroyed, but at least he could save enough to heal himself at some point thereafter. If he became too reliant on Kyuhyun that would never happen. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let Kyuhyun consume him completely.

He still owed Kyuhyun however.

He had been the cause of pain to the younger. He was able to see that now. Perhaps Kyuhyun was too spoilt, perhaps he was granted too much freedom when it came to him, but either way it was his fault. He had led Kyuhyun to that point and he had to take responsibility for the pain that he had caused. He couldn’t give Kyuhyun what he wanted or atleast he couldn’t give him all that he wanted but he could atleast grant him an explanation. Would that be enough? Would that appease Kyuhyun? Would the sadness leave the younger man? Yesung had his issues but even then he wished for Kyuhyun to be alright, for him to be happy and if giving him an explanation would ease the younger man’s mind then that is exactly what he would do. He could only hope that Kyuhyun understood his heart, but was somehow confident.

Sometimes he didn’t even understand his own self. It was a twisted maze that tortured him, escaping his control and often his understanding but  somehow, deep in his heart he always felt that Kyuhyun understood his mind best, that Kyuhyun saw his soul for what it was.

He hoped that understanding would once more make itself apparent.

A/N:- I told you guys it will get cheesy...lol....but truthfully this would be the first time we get to see what was happening to Yesung's mind during the fighting. We get to see how he deals with the changes and the pain that feels when he sees Kyuhyun so hurt...I absolutely adore that 'sitting on his lap scene'...I am told its symbolic, but personally I just like the visual...lmao.

P.S... You like it don't you Leann?..lol