The Emergence of Fears 

Chapter X

Something in Kyuhyun snapped when Yesung pleaded with him to leave. It was different from the screams and profanities and the insistence that he leave his presence. Those were annoyance and discomfort, anger at its core. This one however was much different.

All Kyuhyun could see or hear was sorrow and resignation and pain and suffering and just a hopelessness that he never thought possible from someone like Yesung, eyes weak and pleading and for the first time that night, Kyuhyun only thought about Yesung and his wellbeing. That is not to say that he didn’t before but it was always tainted with his own annoyance or sadness. Maybe it was because he was so focused on  his barrage of conflicting pained emotions that he failed to see just how broken Yesung was in that moment.

 He was scared to even imagine the sort of horror that he had to have been trapped within that mind of his to get to that point, so bad that he didn’t even try to mask the pain, leaving himself finally open for Kyuhyun to see, his face pulled in an expression that Kyuhyun never wanted repeated, hoping that God would spare them both from that sort of suffering.

Kyuhyun loved Yesung. He loved him much too much to let him suffer in that way. His anger and everything else pushed to the side to be replaced with concern and worry and this endless need to hold Yesung in his arms. So maybe he was not entirely selfless. There would have been no way that he could let Yesung go and his eyes were telling Kyuhyun a dangerous story, telling him that he could actually lose the person that he loved.

Even in all the fighting they did before he never truly felt that Yesung would ever leave his side, but that one true glimpse that he caught of Yesung's heart had him scared. Yesung looked as if it was a real possibility and Kyuhyun panicked. He couldn’t lose him. No matter what happened, he couldn’t lose him, wanting to do anything to hold him close, both metaphorical and literal. Kyuhyun was too scared to do anything else, wanting to hold on to him for as long as imaginable, completely unwilling to let something like that even be an option.

Kyuhyun’s heart doing a little dance when he felt Yesung's finger tapping against his chest, not even bothering to wonder why the rest of him was non reactive, reminding him of the other times when he would just rest against Kyuhyun’s chest and tap a rhythm, beautiful memories created. He supposed even if he couldn’t give Kyuhyun all of him, he always tried to give him some of himself, even if it was sometimes begrudgingly. Kyuhyun would hold on to that, he would hold on tightly and pray that it continued to grow, just as it had been growing before.

 He was frustrated. He could admit that.

 It was tiring and painful to hold on to something that you thought would not return your sentiments, to feel as if you were forcing your love, but Kyuhyun supposed at the end of the day, he would rather deal with that sort of sadness than he would want to be away from Yesung.

He could live with the frustration if it meant he could have Yesung.

He pulled him closer, trying his hardest to squeeze the sadness and anger out of Yesung, wanting so bad for them to just be with each other, to get lost in the sweetness and warmth and forget everything else. Nothing else really mattered to Kyuhyun. He could forget it all. He just wanted to be with him, his heart pulling painfully when Yesung still did not respond, a bit of panic settling in him the longer it took, sighing finally when Yesung shifting in his arms, leaning upwards to press a kiss against his throat.

It was sweet and sort of lingered, but the joy that he felt quickly disappeared when it stayed longer than it should. He knew Yesung and that sort of kiss is like a kiss of death. It was him giving up and pulling away and Kyuhyun honestly didn’t know what to do, trying to pull him closer, Yesung not struggling exactly, just not responding to him, Kyuhyun wondering if he could survive anymore, sighing as  Yesung shifted away from him, Kyuhyun not fighting him, letting him do as he pleased. After all, you could only hold on to someone who didn’t want to hold on to you for so long.

“Why do you insist on doing things like that Kyu ah?” Yesung asked softly, Kyuhyun barely hearing above the sadness that seemed to be dripping from his voice, shifting away so he could look Kyuhyun in the eyes, his own eyes drowning in this sort of defeated resignation that pained Kyuhyun, his normally bright face drawn and murky, looking every bit as defeated and desolate as he sounded, Kyuhyun wishing to do anything to make it go away.

He really would do anything, but he needed Yesung to let him in first.

He may know him best but if Yesung did not care enough to tell him what was wrong, he would never be able to help him. It made Kyuhyun feel helpless and that then made him angry. He hated feeling helpless when it came to Yesung. He was supposed to protect him; he was supposed to take care of him. He promised Yesung that he would always be there for him, but each time he saw the look in the older man’s eyes, he knew he had failed.

Yesung didn’t make it easy for him though.

He instead went out of his way to make it harder for Kyuhyun. He couldn’t protect Yesung from something that he wouldn’t reveal. How would he even know what he had to do? There were just so many things wrong with them and still Kyuhyun had been happy, even then, to have Yesung look at him made him happy, but that was superseded by the confusion rising up in him. What was Yesung talking about?

“What do you mean Hyung?” Kyuhyun questioned with piqued curiosity, looking at Yesung with wide careful eyes, wanting him to explain what he was talking about, his mind already supplying possible responses, and none very good, especially if it took note of Yesung's expression.

He looked much too solemn and sad for it to ever be anything positive, but if he was willing to talk about it then maybe they would get somewhere. Kyuhyun was tired of fighting and feeling hurt and stressed and honestly just wanted Yesung to talk to him. Even after all of that, couldn’t he just talk to him?

“Why do you do that to me Kyuhyun ah? Why do you hold on so tight when…….-“ expression caught and breathe hitched, eyes turning away-“ Don’t worry…….just leave me alone just for today. I don’t feel well” Yesung spoke sadly, voice just above a whisper, eyes panicked and desolate, expression solemn and pained, all Kyuhyun could think was that he looked just sort of broken.

 He was earnest though. His request was sincere and genuine, eyes pleading a bit, Kyuhyun’s heart breaking the more he looked at him, the anger raising in him once more, pointless he knows, but this time he was determined not to let it control him, but just that burst of adrenaline to insist that Yesung spoke to him. It would be a repeating never ending cycle if he didn’t do something.

“Just stop it Hyung! This ridiculousness has to end” Kyuhyun instructed with some force, eyeing Yesung with seriousness, wanting him to finally understand that they couldn’t continue the way they were. By then it was just ridiculous.

They had both hurt each other and made themselves miserable and it was their anniversary and after all of that Kyuhyun just wanted him to stop. He admits that he was wrong too. He let his emotions and anger control him even though he knew that Yesung had a hard time expressing himself in that way, he knew that Yesung would not always share his burdens with him. He knew full well what he was getting into. Every time he got mad he did something wrong.

 Yesung had never deceived him.

He had known and promised to accept him the way he was. He was wrong for changing the rules, but Yesung was wrong for making it so hard for him, for never trusting him and always keeping things from him, always making him feel as if he was fighting a losing battle. They were both two very flawed people and sometimes he thought that they were just too in love to solve all those little problems.

That was their problem he supposed. They loved each other too much.

He didn’t think that was a bad thing necessarily, just that it made things more difficult. It didn’t help that they were just so stubborn either. He wanted Yesung to tell him what was wrong and he was determined to keep it from him. This time he wanted to be the one that won those battles of wills.

“It should” Yesung agreed, though not in the manner that Kyuhyun would have expected, instead turning away from him, back coming into view, apparently deciding that the best way to acquiescence to Kyuhyun’s instruction was to end the discussion altogether.

He was not wrong exactly. It was a legitimate way to end the ridiculousness and would achieve his purpose pretty well, Kyuhyun fuming once more. Honestly how could be he keep anger away when Yesung decided to be an infuriating bastard? Kyuhyun was having none of that!

“Don’t do that Hyung. Don’t pull away” Kyuhyun practically pleaded as he threw himself at Yesung's back, his entire chest pressed against his back, wrapping his body around him, Yesung not reacting, Kyuhyun determined to hold on for dear life. Clearly something was wrong. He did not have a shred of doubt on that point. He had to do something before it got worst.

 The longer he left Yesung in that state the worst it would be later for them both. The sort of damage he was probably doing to himself and their relationship would be insurmountable. Honestly sometimes he wondered if he had made a mistake. If it was worst all the suffering and the pain he felt as well.

Dealing with Yesung was never easy for him. It was hard to have his love questioned and to feel as if he was forcing himself onto Yesung. He would be lying if he said he never considered if he was making a mistake or fooling himself, but he had always come to the same conclusion.

 Loving Yesung was hard, not loving him was impossible.

 He just had to glance at the older man and be sure that he made the right decision. He would endure simply because he verily could not leave his side. He would have hope though. Maybe one day it would be easier, one day Yesung would trust him and let him in. Yesung however did not make that seem likely, currently ignoring him as well. He really wondered sometimes. He sighed once more.

“Why can’t you let me in a little? Is it really that hard to trust me?” Kyuhyun asked voice just above a whisper, spoken directly against Yesung's ear, having waited a couple of minutes for Yesung to react before, hoping against hope that Yesung would take him up on his offer, that he would finally open up just a little bit.

They both were stilled in utter silence, Yesung not once speaking, barely even breathing, his body curling into himself and away from Kyuhyun who was stupidly praying against Yesung's skin that he would finally open up to him. Even if he didn’t want to share what was lodged deep in his heart, he could atleast respect Kyuhyun’s concern and tell him what was immediately bothering him. He knew he had lost that battle when Yesung chose, even after a year together to lock himself in his room and void him when he was troubled instead of coming to him. He knew that he would have to accept that Yesung was unwilling to open up to him, to come to his side when he was hurt.

It pained him so very much, but he could accept it.

Maybe he was not good enough; maybe he was not the sort of person that Yesung was ready to trust, ready to accept as someone that could shoulder his burdens. The very idea of it broke his heart and made him sad, but he was willing to accept it, willing to accept that he had failed, that he had not proven himself worthy of Yesung's trust as yet. He was sad, but he would accept it. Maybe in time it would happen. He would work harder, love him more, show him that he was someone that could protect him. Maybe then he would accept him.

 He was letting it go, noting it as a personal failure and taking responsibility. He would let it go. What he had a harder time accepting however, was Yesung’s marked indifference. Even after Kyuhyun had gone through so much stress to ask him what was wrong, he still pointedly ignored him. That sort of indifference was anger inducing and just downright malicious.

He didn’t come to Kyuhyun directly…Fine! That was his fault. Yesung did not trust him that way as yet, but to ignore him when he just wanted to comfort him had to be some sort of torture, had to be some indicator of the state of their relationship. If Yesung couldn’t even let him in at such a time, given the circumstances, then he probably never would. That was just something Kyuhyun couldn’t accept. Why was it so hard for him to trust him?

Once more the silence was oppressive.

 He had just poured his heart out, ripped it from his chest to show Yesung the broken pieces and all he got was silence in return. Kyuhyun had always thought he was a strong man. He was fierce and independent, confident and self assured, talented and even handsome. He had a strong will and was always certain he could deal with anything the universe threw at him. There would be times he would doubt and be a bit concerned, but he was always sure he could handle it. If an eighteen year old kid thrown in a band with twelve resentful men that nearly died in a car accident could turn himself into one of the most famous singers in Asia and the precious brother of those same resentful men, then he sure as hell could do anything else. He defied the heavens when he lived and he defied man when he rose above the hate to be the darling of those same naysayers.

 He could do anything. Anything but accept that he was not trusted by Yesung.

That was what it boiled down to, didn’t it? For all his greatness and grandeur he was just a whiny clingy child holding on to someone that didn’t want him, that would never trust him, that would never let him into his heart. He was just fooling himself, getting lost in a future that he couldn’t create, that Yesung refused to let him create. He was embarrassed and just sick. His stomach lurched and his head hurt.

In the piercing silence, he thinks he prefers the acidic burning in his stomach to the silence that cuts his eardrums. That was what he was to Yesung…just silence, something that he could ignore and do without, someone that he didn’t have to trust, something he would keep at arm’s length and just let go whenever it suited him. He had never even thought about that  until today. He was too stubborn to perhaps, but now he would have to get to that point. If after a year he wouldn’t be someone that Yesung let in his heart, he didn’t even bother to hope.

Finally just too tired of the pain, he released Yesung.

 He foolishly thought maybe he was overreacting, that Yesung would hold on to him. He slowly removed himself from Yesung's back, the man not reacting, just taking a breath when Kyuhyun’s weight is lifted from his back, Kyuhyun sliding away from him, pulling his legs to the side slowly, finally reaching to his side to grab the ends of the comforter, wondering why had not pulled the stupid thing off of them so long ago? Was he really that dense? He supposed that as what he got for spending time with Yesung.

He was equally stupid and childish, glaring at the man for making him so ridiculous as well, turning away when he remembered that Yesung didn’t care either way or at all, about anything that he did, grumpily pulling the sheets away from them both, lifting over his head, finally taking a breath of fresh air, finally seeing Yesung in the light, as little as there was, the older man’s body shifting as well, to be finally free of his cocoon, eyes firmly shut, though he turned to be flat on his back, Kyuhyun wanting to glare at him for causing him so much pain, but it only came out as a longing glance, turning  away when Yesung does not move, pulling the comforter from over his legs, turning on the bed as he sat up on the edge.

Yesung shifted but by then Kyuhyun was more interested on returning to his room where he could sulk on his own. He would spend their anniversary curled up on his cold bed, NOT crying, but probably asking himself a million questions as to where he went wrong, trying to figure out why Yesung would not let him in. He may or may not plan ways of killing Yesung, but is nearly certain he would need a bottle [or bottles] of wine to get through the night.

With a heavy sigh he finally tried to pull himself off the bed, refusing to look back. It would just hurt him more to see that even then Yesung did not care, that he still wanted to keep him away from him. In his heart he wished Yesung peace though. Even if he was in for a night of his own turmoil, he was sure Yesung had suffered enough.

If he could have one wished granted he would only pray for Yesung's happiness. He wanted his mind free and his burdens lifted. Kyuhyun could endure his sorrow, but he hated the idea of Yesung drowning in a sea of his own demon. He truly wanted Yesung to be alright. His beloved had suffered enough. He still didn’t know what it was, but from the deadness of his eyes it was clearly very painful and Kyuhyun only wanted him to find peace. That was his only wish.

 With resignation he stood up, his body aching from all the fighting he had done with Yesung, some of the blows that he had ignored in the height of adrenaline now making themselves known, his back and legs throbbing painfully, Kyuhyun trying to stretch out his neck, a big mistake apparently, pain searing through his body at its stiffness. Seriously why didn’t he just kill Yesung?  And worst, why he was immediately concerned about him. If he was in so much pain, Yesung's back could seriously be hurt.

 He wanted to turn around and tell him to take a pill but supposed in the current situation it would be sort of inappropriate. He was just a freak that  cared too much as usual, which in fact was rather unusual, but Yesung did that sort of thing to him all the time, so what did it matter? In the morning he would just make sure Donghae made him take a pill and that would be the end of that. He was really looking forward to that bottle of wine or the three others he would need to wash away that much sadness for the night when he took his first step in retreat, nearly gasping when a small hand grabbed hold of his wrist.

Kyuhyun gulped.

A/N: I personally think this is one of the most important chapters of the entire story and finally marks the turning point. Things from here on out will be more addressing the issues and conversations than pure angst. I am warning from now. There is alot of cheesiness to come. I am apologizing in adavance. I am sorry that I am such a cheesy cliche person...lol