The Emergence of Fears

Chapter II

All that time in the wilderness had given him more time than anything else to think and whilst he had spent most of it pushing down the sadness and keeping the tears from his eyes, and battling what could possibly be depression, he had come to an understanding.

He couldn’t stay with Kyuhyun much longer but was unwilling to let him go.

Kyuhyun himself would leave him soon though, so he would take that decision from Yesung's hands thankfully. He would be a good person for once in his life and not be a selfish bastard, and let Kyuhyun go with a smile. He would not hold him back and he would not hurt him. Even if Kyuhyun had decided to pursue what he deserved, he knew his BabyKyu loved him once upon a time and would not wish to hurt him. Even in his most bitter stage he would never deny that Kyuhyun loved him once, that Kyuhyun wouldn’t deliberately wish to hurt him. He had to be happy or atleast appear happy or if nothing else, indifferent, if he wanted to protect Kyuhyun from feeling guilt.

That however would be impossible to do in his current state.

He was too in love to even possibly have a chance of not just dying on the spot in that moment. When Kyuhyun left he would be taking his soul with him and he would die. He had to do something that would allow him to survive, or atleast be strong enough to live after that time. His brilliant mind, thankfully, decided that the only way he could have a chance of surviving was if he loved Kyuhyun less.

He would laugh but was much too depressed to even phantom such a reaction and much too desperate to dismiss it.

Loving Kyuhyun less had to be impossible he thought.

Something that would never happen.

Each time he saw Kyuhyun he just stupidly loved him more, just wished to hold on to him even more. At that rate he would never be able to live. His logic however was willing to provide the perfect solution; the best way to love Kyuhyun less was to never see him. It was perfect right? If he didn’t see Kyuhyun he would love him less and then he would be strong enough to do the right thing, he would be strong enough to stop being a coward. He would keep his memories and Kyuhyun would be happy. He wouldn’t be happy….not enough delusion in the world for that to ever seem likely unfortunately…….but he would atleast have a chance at surviving. It was the best he could do and he had to try. Maybe it would work.

He was hopeful.

♥규 성♥

He was wrong. It didn’t work. Even his hope was wasted. Sigh.

He had spent the last three days avoiding Kyuhyun and trying to love him less and all he had succeeded in doing was longing for him and missing him. It was not even funny how that worked. He wanted to love him less, not be even more in love. He thought maybe if he got mad at Kyuhyun it would be easier. He wasn’t though, but it was easy to tell himself that Kyuhyun was the one that would hurt him, that Kyuhyun was the one that would be abandoning him. His heart thereafter hurt sufficiently and it was easier to just not look at Kyuhyun thereafter.

The pain was strong, the longing even more so glaring. It was easier though.

 It stopped him from throwing himself at Kyuhyun and begging him to just be happy with him, to just love him enough to never let go. He couldn’t ask Kyuhyun to do that. It was wrong and selfish and no matter what he did, no matter how he worked it out logically, that was all he wanted to do. He had spent so much time breaking apart piece by piece all his faults, all of the reasons why he was wrong, why he should let Kyuhyun go, why he should love the perfect brat less, why he was a coward and a selfish bastard and it was all for naught.

Instead of being strong he became even weaker. He held on to that memory like some pathetic beacon, like a talisman that could save him. When he retreated to that tundra, he was supposed to be getting ready to let Kyuhyun go, he was supposed to make right his sin, he was supposed to find a way to atone, to give up on his ill deeds and set Kyuhyun free.

 All he had accomplished however was a hole in his chest, more than likely an ulcer judging by the stinging in his stomach and the pounding in his head and the complete and utter capitulation of his pride. He was nearly positive that he would be so shameless and desperate as to cling to the maknae and beg him to love him. He knew it was wrong. His mind had made that quite clear. It was wrong for him to still want Kyuhyun, for him to still want to hold on to him, to still wish to be in his life and to not let him go free.

His time was supposed to be spent in a manner that would give him the strength to let the younger go, to have the ability to set Kyuhyun free with his own hand so that Kyuhyun would be happy and have a perfect future; the same future that he could never give him. Instead, like the bastard that he was, he used the time to cling on to beautiful memories and become even more brazen and pitiful. He was supposed to be finding ways to release Kyuhyun, instead his heart only wished to hold his brat even closer.

He was wrong and shameless and sadly, just stupidly in love. He loved Kyuhyun too much, craved for his smile and his words, his sweetness and his affection much too much to ever let him go. It was that sort of love where he was entirely consumed and nothing could stand in his way. He thinks he hated himself for his selfishness though. How could he do that to Kyuhyun? He knew better, he knew what Kyuhyun needed and deserved, yet he was always so damn selfish and weak. Why couldn’t he find the strength to let Kyuhyun go?

He knows what has to be done but he refuses to do it and he really hates himself.

 As he hides in his room, eyes shut and curled in a ball, he thinks and thinks and wonders and ponders and wishes every second that he could be strong. He prays to the heavens that he could be someone that Kyuhyun could be fulfilled with, that he would magically be transformed into this perfect creature that Kyuhyun could have happily ever after with, someone that he could love forever and never get tired, someone as half as amazing as Kyuhyun was. When his demonic mind points out that his pray can’t be granted, he wishes to cry, the sadness burning his insides.

He knows that it doesn’t work that way, but he is desperate and would do anything for it to happen. It is much better than the alternative of course. It would always be a better action than wishing for strength to release Kyuhyun, wishing that his selfishness receded and he could finally show his love and let Kyuhyun go or atleast have the fortitude to face Kyuhyun and let him do it himself. The very thought of something like that was like a poisoned dagger to his soul.

He was out of options and certainly nearly out of sanity. It was just much too hard for him to be honest. Half the time he just wished to curl up and cry until the day ended, his glazed eyes wishing that it never came to it, hoping that Kyuhyun would just make it all better and then hating himself for that very thought. It was a deadly vicious cycle that he couldn’t escape, trapped in his mind hiding from his own weakness on each turn.

He supposed that was better than hiding from Kyuhyun in reality, which he had in fact actively been doing.

It was nearly three days since he had seen Kyuhyun properly; vanishing from the younger’s presence whenever he could do so. He was much too flustered and troubled to see Kyuhyun and had actively endeavoured to ensure that he was not in the younger man’s way. It was so bad that he thought he would die the day before when they had a schedule together, Kyuhyun reaching for his hand as he usually did, smiling at him with so much affection that he could murder him.

Why did Kyuhyun do those things to him anyway? Didn’t Kyuhyun know that he would leave him soon, then why did he let have to be like that? Why did he look at Yesung with so much love, with so much affection and sincerity? He always makes Yesung think that they would be together forever, that each time Kyuhyun holds his hand he doesn’t want to let go.

 Why did he have to do that? Why was he so cruel to him? He loved Kyuhyun so much, so much until it hurt, both literally and figuratively. He ached when he missed his Kyuhyun. His heart thumped in his chest and his mind was frozen and bitter, the flutters in his stomach became shooting pains and endless aches. He supposed it had something to do with the meals he missed, but honestly he was just too lethargic and depressed to get out of his bed to change that. All he wanted to do was sit and get lost in his memories, the place where he could have Kyuhyun and not feel guilty, the place where he could see Kyuhyun and not be reminded that he was going to leave him, that their forever was going to be shattered.

 It was a nice place only filled with minimal guilt. It was much better than the true reality. The one in which he couldn’t bear to look at Kyuhyun without feeling anger and resentment, sadness or regret, or that endless urge to throw his pride to the wind and get on his knees and beg Kyuhyun just continue to love him, that urge to cry his eyes out for the younger man and plead with him to give him a chance to be someone that he deserves. None of the possibilities however were appealing to him.

So he did the only thing that made sense to him; he avoided Kyuhyun like the plague. It had been three exceedingly long days however. He had missed meals and felt like he was dying but atleast he had avoided Kyuhyun sufficiently, only seeing him a couple of times, each time more painful than the last, the sad look in his eyes stabbing Yesung in the heart, wanting so much to reach out to Kyuhyun but infinitely wary that he was mistaking pity for love and affection. He was desperate enough for that to happen. He was sure of it.

He loved Kyuhyun enough to fool himself into thinking he was the right one for the younger man, to stupidly think they had a shared fate. He really had no sense when it came to Kyuhyun and was especially weak against those big beautiful sincere eyes of his, the soft chocolate tone of them making him utterly helpless. He couldn’t bear to look him in the eye and had ensured that he kept his gaze as far away from Kyuhyun as possible. He was sure that Kyuhyun noticed his distance or atleast he hoped Kyuhyun still loved him enough that things like that mattered. He supposed Kyuhyun would though. He refused to think it was that easy to fall out of love, especially not the sort of love that Kyuhyun felt for him.

He sometimes thought he should be sneaky and conniving and use Kyuhyun’s love for him as some sort of leverage, as that final straw he could hold on to as a means of convincing Kyuhyun that he could be the one for him. He was ashamed to admit that he would really have done so, if he was just that bit more confident that it could work. He didn’t have the confidence that he could do anything substantial enough to make Kyuhyun love him enough to want to hold on to him, or enough to keep him blinded by affection to all his many faults. He wished he could do it though and every time he does he hates himself. He despises how selfish he is, just how uncaring he was. How could he even think about hurting Kyuhyun like that?

 He wonders if he truly loves Kyuhyun.

If he did it would be easy to put Kyuhyun’s wellbeing before his own happiness. He could only conclude that he was lying to himself, that his love for Kyuhyun was fake and weak. His heart and soul however strongly disagreed, clawing his insides and condemning him to hell for the mere suggestion. They made it quite clear that they were willing to tolerate anything, even his self torture, but he was not supposed to ever doubt their devotion to their BabyKyu. They loved him too much to ever have it questioned and were rather adamant on that point.

Yesung loved Kyuhyun. He should never doubt that.

It accepted that point fairly easily. It was not as if he could deny it really. He loved Kyuhyun. He loved him more than he should, that much clear from his recent sufferings. If he loved him just a little less maybe he wouldn’t be suffering so much. He supposed that there never was any way he could avoid suffering though. The second he accepted that he loved Kyuhyun he had opened the doors to his damnation. He would be fooling himself if he ever thought otherwise. There was no other way their relationship could have ever ended. Once upon a time he had dared to dream of forever. What a delusional fool he had been and the saddest part about the whole thing was his inability to let the delusion go. He was still desperately holding on to Kyuhyun and that stupid hope of forever. He really was a fool. He sighed.

♥규 성♥
 

Yesung was tired. Just so very tired.

 He finally fluttered his eyes opened and stared at the table across the way, the legs barely visible in the darkness of the room, only his bedside lamp providing any light. He figured it was sort of anticlimactic to mentally torture himself in light. It was just not something that was done. His hand ached. It was originally placed in an awkward position when he tried to make himself as small as possible, the foetal position apparently the most appropriate stance to take when you were depressed and hiding from the love of your life in a dark room in winter, finally realizing that it was actually sort of cold, shifting his hands away from him gingerly, wondering if the burning in his stomach was not enough for him, now adding discomfort to his hand, only shifting so that it could be out from under him, turning to stare at the ceiling, feeling absolutely miserable.

Something just had to be fundamentally wrong with him. Why did he always have to torture himself so much? Kyuhyun was right about him. It was miracle that he was even functional. He should have known then……Kyuhyun was always right anyway. He sighed, then shut his eyes as a groan left his lips. Kyuhyun hated when he sighed. Maybe that was something that the younger would hold against him as well.

He wanted to cry, he swear he did.

He would have done so, if he wasn’t positive he was already pathetic enough without having to introduce tears to the occasion, a hand raising up to rub comforting to his stomach, thinking that his hands were much too small to give any sort of comfort, especially not when he was accustomed to much larger hands, Kyuhyun often tracing patterns across his chest and stomach when he slept in his arms, careful, sweet, delicate that would push them both over the edge, long fingers then grabbing at his t-shirt, holding him close throughout the night, making Yesung's delusional thoughts that much more prominent. Why would Kyuhyun do that if he did not want the same thing? Why would be hold on to him like he valued him, like he was the most precious thing to him?

Kyuhyun could never be that deceitful, could never be that cruel, could he? Why would he behave as if he loved Yesung so much if he was just going to leave him? It didn’t make sense at all, but then again, it was possible for the rose glasses to fall away. All Kyuhyun had to do was see how blind he had been and that devotion would fade. He would see that Yesung was just unlovable and then he would finally let go of the love he had for him. Kyuhyun had already been exposed to better. It couldn’t be much longer before they fall away and Kyuhyun sees him for what he is, which is an older, awkward, mildly attractive fail weirdo that would never be good enough for him. He stupidly wishes that Kyuhyun doesn’t get that far, that Kyuhyun leaves when he can still have respect for him, when he can still appreciate their memories together.

He needs to stop or the tears never will.

He sighs once more, grateful that Kyuhyun was not there to hear him, positive that the younger man would throw a fit if he heard him. He was sure he would miss things like that though. He would miss everything about Kyuhyun, so missing his tantrum was not wholly unexpected either. He already missed Kyuhyun and it had only been a couple of days. He had deliberately spent the nights at home with his family, despite Kyuhyun’s displeasure, sidestepping all Kyuhyun’s questions, just insisting that he had things to do. Kyuhyun was not happy, but in true Kyuhyun fashion he tried to understand, or atleast he held his tongue, Yesung not really giving him much of an opportunity to do much else, not giving him his attention deliberately.

Those nights had been hard though. Aside from his mental torture, he had come to realize that it was nearly impossible to sleep without Kyuhyun, his body aching for the younger man, all the duvets in the world unable to match his warmth, spending most of the nights staring at the wall or curled up in a ball wondering how he was going to survive without his BabyKyu. It was frightening and tiring and he thought he would lose his mind.

Maybe that was why he had returned to the dorms.

He needed to be away from Kyuhyun but it didn’t seem as if he could actually survive being apart from him. Atleast in the dorms his bed sheets still smelt like Kyuhyun, which was odd considering that it had been more than three days since they slept together there,  and he could see Kyuhyun’s things littered about his room, even his clothes on the floor. He needed to smack the brat for doing that. He sighed once more.

Maybe he should have just stayed at home and suffered in peace. Here the memories where just too much for him to bear. He was so confused and muddled that he was beginning to think sanity didn’t even exist in the world. How could he realistically want something so much when he knew that he shouldn’t have it, when he knew that it would be happier somewhere else? He was messed up in the head. There were no two ways about that. He was insane and crazy and not even his wilderness could save him now. He groaned, the miserable feeling settling throughout his body, wanting the earth to swallow him. Maybe then he would get some peace. He doubted it though. Kyuhyun wouldn’t be there and apparently he needed Kyuhyun for things like that.

Sigh. Life.

A:N:- You guys were really sweet yesterday. Thanks for all the support. I know the angst is heavy, but I guarnatee it will end in cuddles and kisses ...lots of kisses *wink*...

Word Count:- 3,403