Yunho stared out of the window, his eyes focusing on a family of birds that were chirping in a nest that was on a maple tree next to the hospital. One bird, supposedly the parent of the baby chicks, had caught a worm off the ground and was feeding the wriggling worm to its baby chicks which were gaping their beaks wide, hoping that that one lone worm would fall down their throats.

"Yunho, how are you feeling now?"

Yunho turned his gaze away from the family of birds and wiped the tears off his eyes.

"Umma, I should be asking you that question instead." Yunho replied, turning to look at his mother who had entered the room without his knowledge.

I must have been too immersed in my thoughts.

"Yunho ah," his mother sighed, "the wake will be held two days from now. I know it's a bit rushed and I'm sure SM has a lot of schedules planned for you. I don't want you to tire yourself out again so it'll be okay if you only come for the cremation. Your father will understand."

Yunho laughed bitterly.

"Umma, I already missed Appa's death due to work. Am I going to miss his funeral because of work again?"

"Yunho."

 His mother whispered, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"No Umma. Don't tell me it isn't my fault. Appa objected to me being a star in the first place and now he's really right. I missed his death because of work. I neglected you all because of work. I..."

Yunho's voice faltered, leaving the sentence broken and uncompleted.

"Yunho, my dear son, look at me."

Yunho turned his eyes to his mother. The soft gaze that met him surprised him and his eyes widened as tears started to well up in his eyes. She was looking at him with pure love and adoration.

"Do you think I blame you for it? For not being there?" his mother questioned, her voice hard as she watched her son struggle for words.

"Umma, you don't know. You don't understand. I could have been there. I could have been there with you all. If only-"

"Yunho," she interrupted, "do you truly think your father will fault you for not being there?"

"..I don't know," Yunho whispered after a while, "I was always the proud son that Appa loved but ever since then, Appa hasn't been talking to me. It's like there's this wall wedged between us and I didn't care because I was too willful. Too engrossed in loving him. And now I don't know. Does Appa blame me? I have no idea. To Appa I must be a disappointment huh? I'm not the son he wanted and can never be the son he wants."

"Because you're gay?" 

Yunho's mother continued, her eyes boring into Yunho's.

"Umma.."

"No Yunho," she cut off Yunho and carried on speaking, "you are the one who needs to listen. Your father didn't ask you to make that promise because he was ashamed of you. He asked you to make that promise because that was the only way he felt could protect the family if some thing were to arise. It was more of a protection measure for him."

"Even if that protection measure meant hurting me?" Yunho said monotonously; voice void of emotion.

His mother said nothing in reply as she gently encircled her arms around Yunho, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"Umma," Yunho mumbled after a while, voice muffled by his mother's clothes, "I'm so inhumane. Even at times like this, I can't help that small part of me that feels glad that Appa is gone. That the burden of that promise is finally off my shoulder."

His mother gently patted Yunho on his back as Yunho clung to her, trying to bury his guilt that was overwhelming him.

"I actually feel happy that he's gone, Umma. I feel happy cause that small glimmer of hope springs in me that I actually can see him now without breaking any promises." Yunho murmured as two trails of tears flowed down his cheeks, "I'm such a horrible son, Umma. How can I even be thinking such thoughts?"

"Yunho," Yunho's mother tightened her arms such that their chests were next together as the pumping of their hearts echoed in the silence, "Do you hear that?"

"Our heartbeats?" Yunho said confusedly, puzzled at what his mother was trying to get at.

"As long as our heart beats, that means we're alive right?" she replied, "And as long as we're alive we'll continue to feel and continue to love."

"That's why, never ever apologise for your feelings, Yunho." Yunho's mother spoke sternly, "The day when you stop feeling is when you cease to be alive. It doesn't matter if your body is still physically functioning or not. Once you lose the ability to feel, it's akin to being dead."

"Umma." Yunho whispered as he felt her his hair on his head down like what she would do in the past.

"When your father had a and his brain ceased functioning, he was already dead to me then. All we were doing by putting the fake respirator was to prolong our own agony, not your father's. Your father was long gone by then," Yunho's mother sighed. 

"Your father was an amazing man, Yunho. That, I know, but Yunho what's gone is gone. It'll never return. You have to move on, and wallowing in guilt will not help matters."

Move on? Without Appa?

Yunho did not know how to do that. For the second time in his life, he felt he was at a total loss. His tears just kept coming and coming as he laid in his mother's embrace, smelling her familiar scent and reassuring himself that at least his mother had not left him yet. Silence descended upon the pair as Yunho teared quietly while his mother hugged him, refusing to let him go.

"Umma, I'm sorry." Yunho muttered after a while, breaking out of the tight embrace, "I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to support you at these times, yet I'm like this."

Yunho exhaled a sigh, "I'm sorry."

Yunho's mother merely smiled in return. 

"Yunho," she questioned ,"Do you remember what Appa used to say to you when you were young?"

The corners of Yunho's lips curved in memory.

"A real man never sheds his tears," he spoke.

"But if he does so, it must mean he is really heartbroken." His mother continued, smile still in place.

"Yunho, do you still think your father will blame you for not being there?"

Yunho looked up into his mother's eyes, her gaze that was filled with worry and love. Love. An emotion he had not seen in a while. Yunho turned his eyes away from them, unable to stand the strong emotion he could feel was breaking his hold.

"You are just like your father Yunho yah." his mother commented when Yunho shied away from her, "Stubborn as a mule."

Yunho turned his gaze back to the family of birds outside his window and was just in time to see one of the baby chick falling out of the nest, spreading its wings and taking its first flight.

"Would you fault that chick for taking off without its parents?" Yunho's mother questioned when she followed Yunho's gaze and saw what he was looking at.

Yunho shook his head, gaze still on the family of birds outside his window.

"How then can you fault yourself?"

Yunho remained silent and his mother took that as a cue to leave. She was not a fool. She might be his mother and he might have respected her, but she knew she could never make him change his mind. He was resolved to lay the blame upon himself and there was only person she knew who could get him out of that vicious cycle of self hatred. The person whom she knew her son loved with all his heart:

Kim Jaejoong.

Author's Note: Thanks for commenting on the previous chapter. I've decided to add Yoosu into this fic. YAY!! Be rest assured though, Changmin will not be alone! ^^ And also, sorry if this chapter is a tad short. :/ My brain's dead from working. :( Hope you enjoyed it regardless. :)