His mind kept wandering.

He couldn’t concentrate.

At a time where Youngbae needed to focus the most, he was powerless – imprisoned by his own morose thoughts.  He kept replaying every little conversation they ever had.  Every uneasy moment.  Every unguarded outburst.   He searched for clues.  For signs.  Every missed opportunity filled him with regret.  And every regret left him feeling heavy and down.  Not even his boisterous family could penetrate the dense fog that had settled over him.  Days and nights had come and gone, but all the haunting memories remained.

He could still hear her cry.

Sitting inside his family’s living room, Youngbae thumbed through the final set pages prepared for his world tour kick-off.  He would be flying out in a few days.  First to Japan.  Osaka?  Yokohoma?  Did it matter anymore?  He was leaving her again.  Leaving her at home, all alone. 

By herself.

He was scared out of his mind.

Despite Amina’s merry façade and seemingly content disposition, nothing could erase the sound of her distraught cries.  They were engrained in his mind – every wet wail, every dry sob.  He always had an inkling that her feelings of anger and hurt towards her family ran deep.  But this?  He would never see her the same again.

It hurt.

It hurt to see his wife smile achingly in the presence of others when they inquired about her family.  The spark always left her eyes and there was bleakness in her voice.  It hurt to see her visibly shore up pain to explain that, yes – her father had passed away only mere months ago.  And yes, it was a shame they didn’t get a chance to meet him.  Her chin wobbled every time someone asked. 

No one seemed to notice. 

But he did.

He was starting to notice too much. 

Every strained laugh.  Every distressed hesitation.  It ate at him to see the love of his life suffer so.  But she trudged along, hollowly answering people’s questions about her mother’s health and whereabouts.  Right before his eyes, his wife became the most convincing liar – telling everyone that yes, they would be visiting her mother sometime during Chuseok.  And yes, she would bring her mother the next time they visited.  She said all the right things and accepted all their warm welcomes without pause.

If only it stopped there.

It hurt to see the empty smile on Amina’s face when she graciously accepted ideas for a wedding they both knew would never come.  She listened politely as the women regaled past tales of celebrity nuptials – gushing over wedding finery, multi-tiered cakes, and secret locations.  He could see the discomfort in Amina’s eyes the longer conversation progressed, but she made no move to stop them.  She just nodded and supplied them with cordial replies, like any expecting bride would. 

Even the most innocent questions became unbearable to see his wife explain.  Like what advice, if any, Amina’s mother had given to her so far about the pregnancy.  And whether or not she planned on passing down any family traditions to their child.  Just when Youngbae thought he had had enough, he watched Amina excuse herself to go outside – using the stuffy hanbok as a reason to gain some fresh air. 

He let her go.

“Youngbae-yah.”

Through the sliding glass doors, Youngbae observed Amina sitting on an iron-rod bench as she passively watched the children play.  For the past fifteen minutes, she sat in the same position.  She didn’t move.  She didn’t stir.  Not even when a breeze whipped through the maple trees and sent a gust of wind her way.  Tendrils of hair swept across Amina’s face and teased the corner of .  But her eyes were aimed unseeingly straight ahead – lost to some world unknown.

He swallowed hard.

“Youngbae-yah.”

Youngbae glanced around and found his aunt motioning him over.  She held out a small plate filled with an assortment of Chuseok goodies neatly arranged in a circle.  “Take this to your anae,” she said, handing the plate over.  “You must feed her and the baby at all times to keep them happy, arasso?”

He stared hard at the crescent-filled rice cakes.

Was this it?  Would this make his wife happy again?  Would this bring back life in Amina’s eyes and the carefree smile on her face?  He spoke freely about welcoming her burdens and yet, he couldn’t bear the bitter aftertaste that remained in his mouth.  It stained his tongue, singed his cheeks, and flushed his eyes.  The reality, the truth, finally broke him.  For as much as he wanted to ease Amina’s plight, he was beginning to truly understand and see.  Whatever demons his wife harbored deep within…. were completely out of his control.

He took the offered plate and stepped outside.

Keeping his footsteps light, Youngbae quietly approached Amina.  Feelings of uneasiness crept up his spine as he neared.  He felt awful – intruding on her privacy.  Amina remained lost in thought, her brown eyes still glazed over.  He stopped an arm’s length away and gave her a chance to come to.    

The plate of cakes shook in his hand.

He cleared his throat.

Amina blinked. 

She looked up, startled to find her husband standing there.  “Bae-yah,” Amina softly acknowledged, her face clearing.  She curiously eyed the plate in his hands and immediately scooted over to make room.

He sat down.  “These are for you.”

Amina’s eyes softened and she inched back over, invading his space.  Smiling, she relieved him of the plate and picked up the nearest rice cake.  “Do you want some?” Amina quietly asked, offering the dessert up to Youngbae. 

He stared into her brown eyes, awestruck by the wondrous glow found there.  So different.  So hidden.  The sight made his heart ache.  Inching forward, Youngbae sank his teeth into the cake and bit off a small piece.

The corners of Amina’s eyes crinkled with delight as she popped the remaining songpyeon inside her own mouth.  She chewed on the sticky rice cake contently and turned back to her observation.  A soft smile played about her lips as she watched the boys chase the girls in a little game of tag.

Youngbae stared quietly at his wife’s profile.  A faint breeze blew in-between them, gently tousling the wisps of hair around Amina’s temples.  She looked so happy… so at peace.  And yet, he couldn’t stop himself from remembering.

“I-I didn’t even get to say goodbye…” she wept against his neck.

Amina looked up into the clear blue sky and closed her eyes.  The sun rays warmed her face and brought forth color to her cheeks.

“Was I a good daughter?  Mianhaeyo… I hope I was a good daughter.”

She blissfully sighed.

“Don’t leave me oppa…” she begged.  “Everyone leaves…”

Pure torment flickered in the depths of Youngbae’s dark glittering eyes.  His face grew pinched and his nostrils flared, causing him to look sharply away.  For several long seconds, Youngbae flexed and worked the muscles around his jaw in mute agony.

“It’s so nice out today,” Amina praised, lifting her lashes.  She peered longingly out into the vast horizon. 

Youngbae schooled his features and forced the unpleasant memories aside.  Eventually, that cold day in March faded away.  Keeping his gaze lowered, he jerkily angled his chin down towards Amina’s direction and was assailed again by the serenity emitting from her presence.  So calm.  So unaffected.  Without realizing it, she had eased some of the anxiety he was feeling inside. 

“Neh,” Youngbae gruffly replied.

At the sound of his rough voice, Amina turned towards Youngbae.  She gave him a small smile while her eyes quietly roamed his face.

“You promised me…”

His eyes grew stormy.

She gave him a puzzled look.

“I need you here for me now…”

He choked on a sob and swallowed hard.

“Bae-yah?” Amina worriedly asked.

“Come with me,” Youngbae blurted.

Her eyes widened.

“Come with me,” he repeated reverently.  Youngbae’s afflicted eyes shifted over Amina’s desperately as he attempted a weak smile.  “You can bring your study guides.  I’ll even get you your own notebook.”  He blinked several times and his lips nervously.  “You can conference call from the hotel or plane-” He rambled on frantically.

Her eyes darted all over his face, trying to catch up with all the words tumbling out of his mouth.  “Go where?” Amina smiled quizzically in return, not quite understanding his haste.  But instead of replying, Youngbae kept going on about the comforts of hotel living and all the bustling new sights they’d get to see.  She wrapped a warm hand around his forearm to gain his attention.

He stopped talking.

“Go where?”

Youngbae stared solemnly into her eyes.  “Go on tour with me.”

She jerked back a little in response.

He waited.

Amina saw the lines of worry etched around Youngbae’s face and knew he was waiting for her reply.  But she was still in shock, still processing it all.  “Tour?”  Amina asked, dumbfounded.  She blinked and looked about in a daze before leaning back against the bench.  It took her a moment but she finally gathered her thoughts enough to reply.

Her gaze flew up to meet his.

“You want me to go on tour with you?”

Youngbae nodded emphatically.

Amina swallowed uneasily.  “Wae?”

Something akin to hurt slashed across his face.

She tightened her grip on his arm and quickly retracted her statement.  “I didn’t mean…”  Amin