Sweat glistened off his forehead, his heart pacing fast.

Youngbae took in measured breaths, watching the timer count down on the display while his feet ate up more distance.  He looked past the LCD monitor and could see the red-orange sun making its presence known in the distant horizon.  It was barely half past six, on a Saturday morning – of all mornings!  He was in the YG gym room brooding silently, his eyes flashing with annoyance.  He could be home with his girl right now, but no – he had reluctantly left her again. 

Again.

Parting was fine a few weeks ago.  Neh, it was fine when he only visited once a week.  But these past three days were the longest stretch of time they’d spent in each other’s constant company.  He had lingered over leaving yesterday, hell – almost called in.  And then there was last night. Last night had turned into this morning… He made a last minute decision to sleep at the apartment and lost almost an extra two hours of sleep just to delay the inevitable.  Saying goodbye back then was never this hard… made it seem easy almost.  He would go about his business and look forward to seeing her when he had the chance.  And if he missed a week that was alright as well, because he would text and she’d reassure him that it was fine.  But now… 

He mentally sighed.

Maybe it was because of last night’s revelations that made him feel so conflicted inside.  He finally caught a glimpse of what she’d been dealing with silently all this time while he’d been oblivious to it all.  He was angry at her… angry at himself.  His heart sank with the realization that every time she sent a text saying she was doing good, or that it was ‘ok’… it really wasn’t.  She kept herself hidden from him this entire time.  He understood her reasons for keeping it to herself, understood why she felt the need to shield him from her issues.  He was doing exactly what she asked him not to do – over thinking, overanalyzing. He should take comfort in the knowledge that she knew him so well.  But he still hated it, nonetheless.

He hated being kept in the dark.

Especially when it came to something so important in his life.  He didn’t know what he would do if he lost her again.  He didn’t want to think about losing her again.  Because he wasn’t going to lose her again.

Not this time.

He shoved his headphones and let it loop off his neck while he grabbed his white face towel nearby.  Powering off the treadmill machine, Youngbae kept his feet braced on either side of the conveyor belt until it stopped completely.  He toweled off his face and glanced over to his left, where Daesung stoically powered through his own walk this morning.  Ssabu hyung stood quietly off behind them, watching with his usual commanding pose.

Youngbae grabbed the bottle of water off to his side and took a quick swig, quenching his thirst.  He moved over to the weight machines and continued with his morning routine, listening to the reps thrown out by their trainer.

He automatically lifted and went through the motions, eyeing Daesung the entire time.  Youngbae had yet to speak to his dongsaeng about last night’s events.  Like usual, he arrived first and they weren’t given a chance to connect.  But if there was one thing he knew about Daesung, it was that they had a close enough relationship that they could easily share their problems with one another. 

Youngbae smirked quietly to himself.  It seemed that was the only time they really did talk.  To this day, he still didn’t know too much about Daesung’s personal life.  The younger man kept his private life close under wraps, more than the rest of the group.  But that was fine, as far as Youngbae was concerned.  Daesung was a good listener and they shared the same temperament.  Aside from Jiyong, Daesung was his next go-to-guy for a second opinion.  Dae was always honest and willing to help him mull over his thoughts.  And they were usually right on target, which was why he treasured his dongsaeng’s advice so much.

Seeing Amina’s reaction to Daesung’s presence only raised more questions for him last night.  Youngbae could see there was something he was missing from the picture.  When?  How?  He wanted to confront Daesung about the entire issue.  Have it all laid out upfront, so he could finally stop playing catch up and get down to taking care of business.

His opportunity came quicker than he thought.

Daesung finished his walk and got off the treadmill machine.  He turned around and nodded slightly in his direction.  “Good morning, hyung.”

Always polite. 

Always courteous. 

That Daesung.

Youngbae acknowledge with a slight nod in return but kept his eyes guarded.  They exercised quietly side by side, working their muscles under Ssabu hyung’s orders.  After a few minutes of circuit training, they began to wind down on the blue mattress which was laid out in the middle of the room.  They sat quietly, running through routine cool down stretches.  Ssabu hyung left the room, leaving them to their own devices.  Youngbae took advantage of the moment and pounced.

“Hey Dae…”

Daesung looked up from his mid-leg stretch, his body hunched over his right knee.  “Neh, hyung?”  He tried his best to keep the apprehension out of his voice, but his eyes wavered.  He wasn’t able to look at his hyung straight in the eyes.

That slight.

However unintentional it was, Youngbae took it all in.  It set him on edge and made him momentarily re-question his opinion of their relationship.  He cleared his throat uncomfortably.  It’s not like this was going to be easy on him either.

“Last night,” Youngbae began. 

Daesung tried once more, glancing up.  He stiffened his resolve and held his gaze.

“Gomawo.”

Surprise lit the younger man’s small eyes.

“Neh,” Youngbae continued.  “If you never came, I don’t think Amina would have come out on her own last night. So… gomawo.”

“So… you’re not mad?”  Daesung asked, cringing lightly.

“I’m…” Youngbae paused, searching for the right words to convey his thoughts.  “…thankful, that you came.  Apparently she placed enough trust in you to open the door.  If there was anyone I’d want her to talk to, besides myself, it would be you.”

Daesung nodded his head solemnly, his eyes downcast.

“I assume when you went over to the apartment, she shared some of her problems with you?”  Youngbae bent down and touched his toe, feeling relief in his sore calf.

“Neh,” Daesung replied, mimicking Youngbae’s movements. 

Youngbae nodded, confirming his own suspicions.  “So how did it get so bad?  What did she say?”

Daesung paused, his eyes shifting left and right, as he pondered what to do.  Thank goodness his head was still bent over his leg, preventing Youngbae from seeing his ordeal.  He worried his full bottom lip for several seconds.

“Dae?” Youngbae prompted, afraid he wasn’t heard.  He started again when Daesung looked up.  “What did she tell you?”

“Umm… mianhae, hyung,” Daesung winced apologetically.  “I promised I wouldn’t say anything.”

Youngbae arched his brow in disbelief.  “Okay, now I’m mad.”

“I’m sorry hyung, but I promised Amina-yah I wouldn’t say anything.”

Youngbae’s nose flared lightly in irritation.  He looked incredulously at Daesung, his lips curving up with scorn.  He scoffed.  “What do you mean ‘you can’t say anything’?”  Youngbae felt his ire rising.  He couldn’t sit still – couldn’t trust himself to sit across from Daesung and resist the urge to not strangle answers out of his friend.  He stood up and started pacing the floor.

He puffed his chest out, throwing hand signals to convey his frustration.  He couldn’t believe what he just heard.  “You’re telling me, you can’t tell me what the hell is going on with my girl?”  He smacked his chest twice for emphasis and sneered.  “I thought we were boys.  We could always talk about anything.”

Daesung swallowed.  He knew he was in deep .  Whenever Youngbae-hyung went all gangster on him, he knew all sense of calm and rationale had left the window.  He slowly got to his feet.  “Neh, hyung,” Daesung quietly replied.  “But this isn’t between you and me.  This is between me and Amina-yah.”

Youngbae scoffed again.  This was definitely not going the way he expected.  “There shouldn’t even be a ‘you and Amina-yah’.  I’m her fiancé.”

Daesung’s eyes widened.

“Neh,” Youngbae stressed, his eyes blazing with intensity.  “And by this time next week, I’ll be her husband.  I should be the first person she talks to about her problems.  Instead, I have to hear bits and pieces from everyone. How do you think that makes me feel?” he sneered.

“I’m sorry hyung…”  Daesung stood his ground, his heart going out to his brother.  “But I promised her.”

Youngbae bit his tongue and clamped his mouth shut in frustration.  He paced in irritation, brooding and thinking hard.  He exhaled deeply through his nostrils, releasing some of the tension away.  He turned around and eyed Daesung’s awaiting stance. 

It was no use getting riled up with Daesung.  It was like getting mad at himself. 

“Look,” Youngbae stated.  “I understand – no, I appreciate that you are keeping your word.  I know your conversations with Amina are private.  And I’m sure if she found out what I’m doing now, she’d take comfort in knowing that she chose you as a confidant.”

He furrowed his eyebrows and pleaded.  “But I’m dying here, Dae.”  His eyes slashed with pain.  “You know what she told me last night?”  He waited a heart beat.  “She told me… she hates her life.”

Daesung’s eyebrows rose.

“She won’t talk to me, because she thinks I’ll worry.”  Youngbae gave a look of disgust.  “How am I supposed to go about my business like everything’s okay, knowing that she’s at home suffering?” He broke off and turned away, stewing in silence.

his lips nervously, Daesung strode forward until he stood shoulder to shoulder with Youngbae.  “That’s exactly why she chose not to confide in you, hyung.  You have your album and promotions going on right now and she didn’t want to add to your worries.”  He twisted his lips wryly.  “Why do you think I asked to speak to her?  We all know you’re busy.”

Youngbae snapped his head at Daesung.  “But that should be my decision, not hers.  I should get to decide what I want to concern myself with, instead of someone filtering my problems for me.  Instead of helping me, all I see is the love of my life hiding a large part of her life from me.  Like it’s some shameful secret.” 

He pressed his lips together bitterly.  “Whatever she’s going through is very much apart of her and right now, I feel like she’s keeping herself from me.”  His face crumpled with frustration.  He shook his head before speaking heatedly.  “If she’s sad, I’m sad.  When she’s broken, I’m broken.  She’s like the very air that I breathe.  I can’t just let this go.”

Daesung watched the torment swirl in his hyung’s eyes.  Immense guilt swept over him.  Torn between his word and his desire to help, he offered a compromise.  Daesung nodded shakily.  “Alright.”  He looked around and finally chose the weight bench to sit down.  “I only promised her I wouldn’t divulge our conversations with you… but that doesn’t prevent you from asking.”

Youngbae scoffed in disgust.  “I’m not interested in your games.”

“That’s all I have to offer,” Daesung replied curtly.  “It’s either this or nothing at all.”  He watched as Youngbae mulled over his words.  “Look, I plan on meeting her on Sunday… and then periodically afterwards until she’s feeling better about herself.  If I tell you, she’ll find out.  You’ll start treating her different… and then she’ll close up.  And then I won’t be able to help her anymore.”

“She doesn’t need you, she has me,” Youngbae arrogantly responded.

“She needs a friend!” Daesung snapped out.  “It could be me… Jiyong hyung.  Anyone.”

“Anyone but me.”

Daesung’s eyes dimmed.  “Unfortunately, yes.”  He pressed his lips into a thin line.  “She knows you too well.  And to be quite honest, I have to agree with her.”

Youngbae knitted his brows and scowled.

“I don’t think you’d understand what she’s going through right now,” Daesung continued.

Youngbae opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off.

“When I listen to her talk… she goes to places that I’ve never been to.”  Daesung gazed intensely into Youngbae’s eyes.  “Dark places.”  He paused, waiting for the information to sink in before he continued.  He nodded his head with slow measured beats.  “Neh, “ Daesung started up, watching Youngbae’s eyes turn wary.  “She’s burden with shame… Guilt.  Loneliness.”

Youngbae shook his head in disbelief, trying to fend off the information.

“Her depression is probably worse than what I went through.”

“Ani,” Youngbae choked out.

“Mianhae… but it’s true,” Daesung compassionately responded.  “You may not want to believe it, but it’s true.”

Youngbae clenched his jaw together, his hands hard against his sides.  His mind flashed back to the laughing girl in his arms, the grin on her face, her eyes sparkling up with merriment as they gazed into his.  He couldn’t picture her being anything other than the happy, impish girl he knew her to be.

“Ani,” he repeated.

Daesung released a huff under his breath.  He stood up.  “Well.  It is.”

Youngbae raised his tortured eyes to his friend.  “Just tell me one thing.”  Bile rose up in his throat. He couldn’t believe he was about to ask the question.  “Has she ever... Has she ever thought about…”  He choked up and grimaced, unable to finish.

Daesung shook his head.  “Aniyo.  Never once.  She knows there is someone else depending upon her.”  He shot a sympathetic look in Youngbae’s direction.  “I think the baby is the only thing that keeps her going.  It’s the one thing that she looks forward to in her life.”

Youngbae nodded absentmindedly, seeking small comfort in that knowledge. 

The baby.

A small blessing in disguise.

He wondered where she would be right now if the baby never came along, but then quickly squashed the idea out of his mind.  He was over thinking the what-ifs, when he should be concentrating on what was happening right now.  He cleared his throat and looked over.

“Can you at least tell me the extent of her… depression?”  He could barely spit out the word, still in denial.  “Like… what she’s thinking about?  Or needs to overcome?”

Daesung pressed his lips together, agonizing over what to reveal.

“I already know it has something to do with her parents – and them cutting her off.”  Youngbae offered.

Daesung nodded, “That’s part of it.”

“Part of it?” Youngbae exclaimed incredulously.  “There’s more?”

A flush crept up Daesung’s face.  “Ah… neh.” He averted his eyes briefly to compose himself.

Youngbae let out an irritable groan.  He couldn’t believe he’d been forced to play childish games to get information that everyone damn well knew should have been given to him freely by now.  “Alright,” he bit out.  “Does it have something to do with her internship in the States?”

Daesung his lips and nodded.

“Like being dropped from the program or something?”

“Neh.”

Youngbae paced the floor of the gym, thinking.  He turned and faced Daesung.  “Does part of her depression have to do with her grades?  Like, being s-stupid or something?”  He hated that word, but could only think of the one thing she told him in their heated argument that occurred at the start of the week.

Daesung froze, unsure if he heard right.

Youngbae flushed.  “Not my words… hers,” he rushed out.

“Ani,” Daesung shook his head.

“Ani?”

“Ani.”

Youngbae creased his eyebrows, now more confused than ever.  It showed in his eyes.  He let out a depreciative laugh under his breath and spoke more to himself.  “Then she must have lied to me about that as well.”  He let out a snort, thoroughly disgruntled with the entire mess.

It was on the tip of Daesung’s tongue to blurt out all of Amina’s reasons for falling into such a deep depression.  But he held back… for his hyung’s sake. The more he listened to Youngbae talk and fume, the more he realized that Amina was right.  The information would only cause his friend to obsess over it more.  At the end, his hyung would only hate himself when he found out the truth.  Because the majority of the reasons for Amina’s depression stemmed from her relationship with Youngbae.

“I know this may not seem much to you,” Daesung spoke up.  “But if I felt like her life was in danger or thought she may do harm to herself, I would tell you.”

Youngbae jutted his chin forward, his mood declining.

“And as far as her school thing goes… it mostly revolves around regret.”

Youngbae glanced over at Daesung.  He could only quietly look on, unable to say anything.

“That’s all I can say,” Daesung mumbled.  “I’m sorry…”  His eyes showed his remorse as he slowly bowed and backed out of the room.

“Dae!” Youngbae called out, causing Daesung to stop halfway out the door.

He turned around.

“Gomawo,” Youngbae jerked his head at him, his eyes downcast.

Daesung n