Youngbae stared unseeingly at the pile of clothes before him.

He was tired – both physically and emotionally.  For the last several days, his time was split between the dance hall or abroad on set, filming his latest music video.  As a result, the stream of text messages and phone calls to Amina dwindled and fell out of sync.  There were times where she would text and he wouldn’t respond until hours later.  Or maybe he’d call to hear the sound of her voice, only to be forwarded straight to her voice mail.  She’d return his message and then he would miss it again.  It became a sick phone tag game that neither party cared to play. 

Sure, he could’ve put more effort into calling her.  Could have scheduled some time when he knew they’d both be available.  But he had his own reservations that held him back.  As much as he dreaded the awkward silences that still lingered between them, that wasn’t what bothered him so much.  It was the fact that he couldn’t remember the last time they talked about something other than the mundane inquiry into how each other’s day went, or if the other person rested or had eaten enough.  It was as if… they had nothing to talk about.

But there wasn’t any time to pause or stop.  No time for a short reprieve to examine the full extent as to why his heart had grown heavy over these last few days.  Within the next four hours he’d be traveling again.  Their flight to Tokyo was scheduled to leave later this afternoon and he had yet to finish packing.  He couldn’t help it.  There were just too many conflicting thoughts running through his mind.  Add to the fact that he’d be reunited with his estranged wife, albeit briefly, once again and well… he didn’t know what to feel or how he should feel right about now. 

It had been over a week since he’d spent more than five minutes in her presence.  Over eight days since he’d last been home.  After Amina’s slight, he couldn’t drudge up the strength to plead and beg for her to open up to him again.  Especially not with Daesung nearby.  He only remembered grabbing a few items from their bedroom and knocking on the bathroom door.

“J-jagi…” his voice cracked.  He cleared his throat and could hear her shuffling inside.  He knocked once more.  “Jagi…”

“Neh,” came the hollow reply.

Keeping his voice as neutral as possible, lest anyone hear the pain he harbored inside, Youngbae calmly addressed her through the door.  “I’m going to stay at the dorm tonight.  I have…” he hesitated briefly then continued, “…to get up early tomorrow.”

He waited.

But she never opened the door.  It only heightened the memory of a familiar instance – only he was standing outside her father’s office at the time.  Rather than relive the sting of her rejection again, he left the apartment and had yet to return since.

Part of him wanted to believe that she was truly upset over Boss.  While the other half worried that she was crying over them.  Was she having second thoughts about their relationship?  Did she resent him?  He didn’t know…  He just didn’t know anymore.  When it came to their marriage, he was at a complete and utter loss.  It made him feel helpless because this wasn’t something that he could easily fix.  This wasn’t something they could work together as a couple on.  No, this was something she had to do on her own.  And why?

Because he told her so.

Because during an ill-timed moment of insight, he realized there were things he wanted more than he was willing to give in return.  Looking back, he knew now that it was unfair and selfish of him to bring up discussions of love and trust in the midst of a fight, but what could he do?  Until he said the words out loud, he hadn’t realized how much it bothered him.  Only now…

He sighed. 

Only now, he wished he would’ve held his tongue.  He knew she had her own reasons for not telling him everything.  Didn’t she promise to tell him when she was ready?  He should’ve just honored that.  Instead, he let his anger and impatience override his actions.  And now he was left with nothing but a heart filled with uncertainty and regret. 

Regret because he should’ve known better.  He should’ve known better than to force her hand once more.  It was the same exact thing he did when he questioned if she would ever marry him.  He put her on the spot back then and he did so again now.  And for what?  Because he wanted her too much. 

He always wanted her too much.

She told him then they weren’t ready for marriage… damn well made sure her point was heard loud and clear. That sunken, remorseful feeling he had when she finally relented was now back.  Only now, it felt a million times worse because he could hear her haunting words echo in his mind. 

“You think that’s all it takes for a marriage to work?” Amina’s voice quavered as she narrowed her eyes on him, a tear slipping down her cheek.  “Did you forget something?”  Her lips started to tremble as waves of emotion burst forth.  “Like love?  Commitment?  And trust?”

It seemed ironic that she had questioned him the same exact things he was questioning her now.

Ironic?

Youngbae paused as he placed the last folded white tee inside his luggage.  His eyes darkened while a montage of moments ran through his mind.  Moments he spent with Amina – what he knew of her, what he knew of them.  Despite her half-answered responses, her unwillingness to impart certain pains in her life, there was one thing he knew for certain.  Amina wasn’t fake or deceitful.  Not with him.  She hid her emotions well… sometimes too well.  But whether she was scared or wronged, Amina always remained selfless and kind.  She could have hated him that night they first made love… after insinuating that her affections for him were nothing more than a ploy.  Instead she became angry at herself… for being so stupid for falling in love with a guy like him.  And even when he had given her the cold shoulder at Dolce Vita, she continued to be nice and cordial.  Even befriended Ji-Na, his ex-crush and first love, who did her best to rouse feelings of jealousy between them. 

And that was the most damning thing of all.  For the old Amina he knew wouldn’t have lashed out and make demands without reason.  The old Amina he knew was rational and understanding.  And the new Amina?  The one he married?  The mother of his unborn child?  She was flighty, emotional, and wary.  He could see it in her eyes every time they fought.  The uncertainty she harbored within herself made him anxious with worry. 

How did it get like this?

He never imagined marriage life to be this complicated or surreal.  Where was the happiness he remembered?  There were so little few good memories to recall.  She was everything he wanted in a life partner and more.  So why was it so difficult to love one another?  It cut deeply to know that his marriage was falling apart… especially after all the anguish they had been through.  To fight for something worth fighting for… only to find out that the bond they shared was so fragile and could be easily broken apart.  It made a mockery out of them.  Like fools they were.  And to top it all off, to know that someone else was witnessing their failure?  As much as he hated to admit, the knowledge took a huge blow to his ego. 

Who was he kidding?  It wasn’t just someone.  When it came to Jiyong – that, he could handle.  But it was Daesung.  Out of everyone else in their group, Daesung was the one that he had connected with the most, as far as temperament and personality went.  They always chose to room and hang out together, at home or abroad, whenever the rest decided to party or go out clubbing.  Hell, he practically spilled all of his inner thoughts and worries to the guy because he knew that Daesung was a good listener and could offer sound advice.  And he would be forever grateful to Daesung for helping Amina cope with her depression, especially during a time when he was too caught up with work to even be aware of it. 

But he couldn’t lie to himself anymore.  Although he knew both Amina’s and Daesung’s hearts and their true intentions, it didn’t lessen the pangs of jealousy inside.  He envied their bond.  It ate him up.  It wasn’t the brotherly protectiveness he knew Jiyong felt towards Amina.  It was something more… something he knew deep down that he lacked in his own passionate relationship with his wife.  It was an easy going relationship – a friendship that he wasn’t privy to.    

He realized that now.

They were strictly lovers. 

Never friends.

Yes, he realized that now. 

Just now.

Why did he fight it?  It was understandable when Amina was still engaged and the feelings he harbored for her extended beyond the bounds of friendship.  He could never be friends while knowing that she was promised to another!  And it was still understandable when they broke up in the middle of her internship because well… he had waited for her.  As much as he tried to brainwash himself into thinking they were just friends, in his heart, they were always together.

But when she returned for her father’s funeral, things became real.  Despite the air of familiarity, there was evident formal space between them – a visible line that couldn’t be crossed.  It was then when he realized a friendship with Amina was plausible.  There were several moments on that fateful day where he believed they were “just friends”.  But like everything else, their physical chemistry got in the way. 

.

As much as he loved it, had really ruined things for them.  And he had no one to blame but himself.  Amina had asked, the first night she moved into the apartment, that they take things slow.  She had warned him there hadn’t been enough time for them to become reacquainted with one another.  But they were getting married.  It was a done deal in his mind.  They were going to be together forever.

Forever.

Youngbae bitterly twisted his lips as he zipped his luggage closed and set it down on the hardwood floor.  Forever seemed so perfect.  He always dreamt of sharing forever with that one special person.  Dreamt they would weather any storm and forge together because all they needed was love. 

They had love.  In his heart, he knew they both loved one another.  But it wasn’t enough.  He longed for more.  Something that would sustain their ups and downs.  A different type of love that would continue to burn long after the alluring flames of passion ceased to warm their hearts and meld their souls as one.  A deeper type of love to withstand the tests of time.  A type of love that would heal the scars of yesterday and bind them stronger together as one.

A mature love.

“Anything new?”

Daesung looked up from his smartphone and visibly paused.  Pocketing the device, he straightened in his seat.  “Ani,” he replied, giving his leader full attention.  “She really hasn’t said anything.  Other than asking me over that night to help pack up some of Boss’s items, she hasn’t said much.”

Jiyong furrowed his eyebrows and shifted his weight to the other foot.  With hands on his hips and a deep scowl on his face, he quickly scanned the busy airport terminal.  His sharp eyes widened slightly when he spotted a familiar entourage heading their way.  “Well, it looks like she’s here now.”

Daesung looked over his shoulder.  He spotted Amina immediately, nodding to something Yun Hee just said.  Much like the last few days, she had a reserved look about her.  She smiled on cue, laughed at all the right times.  But the sparkle had left her eyes.  As much as he wanted to ask, he didn’t want to pry.  Especially not after Jiyong informed him of what was going on.  He turned back around in his seat and hesitated, his eyes flying up with a slight warning.  “Hyung’s coming back.”

His lips compressed into a thin l