“What?”

The belligerent hiss whistled between Youngbae’s motionless dry lips.  He didn’t even notice the word had been uttered out loud until the women turned and faced him.  He was in shock, his face pale – his body, frozen.  For those few brief seconds, all time stood still.  Utterly still.  His body shut down and the edges of his vision began to dim.  There was no reason for life to go on.  No reason for his heart to resume its fragile beating. 

His world had just ended. 

“W-What did you just say?” Youngbae barked at the girl, his voice taking on a hard edge.  A high pitched sound filled his ears.  Combined with the nauseating smell of rubbing alcohol, the pair made the room spin before his eyes.  He blinked rapidly and tried to remain calm – tried to not succumb to the sheer madness of it all.  He didn’t want to believe it.  He didn’t just hear that their baby was – no! 

He didn’t even want to think about it.

The young technician stood rooted to her spot, unable to tear her eyes away from Youngbae’s piercing dark gaze.  The tension from his body rolled off in waves, adding to the strain of wariness that was humming inside her.  Youngbae looked as if he was itching for a fight.  A fight against something that was out of his control.  A fight against time – against some higher being.  It made her suddenly afraid.  Afraid, because she found herself equally as desperate as him.  Dear God.  She prayed she was wrong.

She couldn’t speak.

“Sir, you are not supposed to be back here,” Do Sang Hee ordered, resting the phone receiver on her shoulder.  “Please return to the exam room.  We will be with you shortly.”  The old woman threw an impatient hard look at her young assistant, reprimanding the girl without words just how deeply in trouble she was.

Youngbae silently worked his jaw, his hands balling and against his sides.  “I need answers,” he gritted, refusing to leave.

“We will be with you shortly,” the stout woman retorted, straightening her back.  She stared at him grimly, not giving an inch.

They stared down one another in silence.

Seconds passed.

The lady wasn’t going to back down.  With every ounce of strength he possessed, Youngbae forced himself to turn around and walk away.  As much as he needed answers, the last thing he wanted was to cause a scene.  And he could feel it – deep in his bones.  He was about to lose it.  Anger burned deep in his belly and his hands shook with suppressed rage.

He wanted to hit someone. 

Or something.

Hard.

Taking in large gulps of air, Youngbae stoically placed one foot in front of the other and slowly made his way back to the sonogram room.  Rampant thoughts flew through his mind.  He counted off all the possible areas where they could’ve gone wrong.  Was it stress from all that had happened these past few weeks?  Bad taegyo?  Perhaps he should’ve listened more when his mother was giving Amina advice instead of joking around.  He should’ve taken better care of her.  From the start.  Maybe if he had been more outspoken with his concerns they wouldn’t be in this predicament now.

Perhaps it was karma. 

His footsteps faltered and he clenched his jaw.  Perhaps this was meant to be.  Because of everything that had happened so far in their lives, maybe this was the culmination of it all.  Maybe this was their fate.  Youngbae steeled himself against the onslaught of pain that was forcing its way inside his aching heart.  He swallowed hard and willed the moment to pass.  But the pain was too much.  His chin started to wobble and his vision began to blur. 

. 

Youngbae bit his bottom lip and bitterly sniffed back the unwanted tears.  He would think about it later.  Think about the empty void in his heart that would never be filled no matter how many lifetimes he lived. 

Now was not the time to fall apart.

“Bae-yah?” Amina called out worriedly.  She spotted him shuffling towards the room, his steps unhurried and containing little purpose.  His skin was pale and there was a haunting look in his eyes.  It appeared as if he had just seen a ghost.  “What’s wrong?” Amina asked, quickly checking the rest of her husband as he neared.  “Did you find out what happened?  Is she coming back?”

Youngbae snapped out of his spiraling thoughts and blinked hard.  He stared at his wife’s upturned face.  Stared at her cherry-stained lips and soft pink cheeks.  She looked alive and well.  No hint of sickness or pain.  How could she not know?  How could she not tell that their child was no longer with them?  He swallowed hard and forced a brave façade. 

“They’re coming,” Youngbae reassured, attempting a small smile.  He grabbed his seat and began to sit down.

Amina reached out and grabbed hold of his sleeve.  “Bae-yah.”

He looked over and slipped under the dark liquid pools that gazed up at him.  His wife was quietly scrutinizing his features and he could tell by the deep frown lines on her forehead that she was unconvinced. 

“Tell me,” she implored, tugging once.  “What is it?”

The back of his eyes stung and a red hue slashed across his cheeks.  He stared at her mutely while regret filled every fiber of his soul and ate away his courage.  How the hell was he supposed to tell her?  What in the world could he possibly say?  He wished he could turn back time.  He wished this wasn’t happening to them.  This was all his fault.  He was about to make them suffer once again. 

He lifted his hand and gingerly cupped her face. 

“It’s nothing.”  He lightly thumbed the apples of her cheek, dropping his gaze towards the corner of .  “She just went to ask for her sunbae’s assistance to finish out the rest of the exam.”  Youngbae stared at his thumb and waited a few measured seconds.  When he felt it was safe, his gaze flew back up to meet hers.

Amina’s lips trembled while her glistening brown eyes softly accused.  “Why are you lying to me?” she whispered.

He flinched. 

They broke apart at the sound of approaching footsteps. 

“Mianhaeyo,” Sang Hee began. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.  There was an emergency situation that had to be dealt with.”  She began clearing off the readings on the machine to start anew while her young assistant hovered nearby.  Glancing over her shoulder, Sang Hee ordered the girl to do her bidding.  “Shut the door and dim the lights.”

The young girl bowed and quickly scampered off to complete her tasks.

“I need you to lift your shirt and lay back down.”

The gruff, authoritative tone made Amina forget her imminent concerns.  She automatically reached for the hem of her blouse and lifted it towards her bra-line, exposing her small protruding stomach to the technicians.  As soon as she finished laying back on the crackling crepe paper, Youngbae slipped his fingers inside her hand.

The floodgates opened.

Silently, tears rolled from the outer corners of Amina’s eyes and down her temples as they waited for the exam to begin.  Like Youngbae, she stared straight ahead – her gaze pinned solely on the large LCD monitor and nothing else. 

The lady worker began measuring Amina’s fundal height but paused when she noticed the despondent expression on her patient’s face.  Gone was the militant orderly.  The elderly woman’s grey sparse brows dipped low with concern and her voice softened.  “Are you alright my dear?”

Youngbae glanced over his shoulder once, and then did a double take.  He mentally cursed himself and scooted his stool back – switching out his hands so he could angle his body close.  Slinging an arm over his wife’s head, Youngbae hunched over and quickly began wiping away Amina’s tears with his thumb. 

“Mianhae,” he whispered fiercely, remorse burning in his eyes.

Amina sniffed and exhaled shakily, focusing warily on Youngbae.  She shook her head marginally while her eyes helplessly sought for reassurance.  “I-I’m scared,” she whispered in return, her voice uneven and breathy.  “I don’t know why.”  Another tear escaped from her lashes and Amina quickly brushed it away with her free hand.  “I think I’m just overwhelmed.”  She lowered her lashes and swallowed hard.

He squeezed her hand, bringing her attention back up to him.

“I’m scared too,” Youngbae confessed, his gaze never wavering.  He found her searching his eyes for hidden truths and immediately hated himself for not being able to come clean the first time.  Gently, he brushed the fine baby hairs away from her hairline and held her head in place.  He stared intently into her wide brown eyes and bared his soul for her to see. 

“Baby, I’m scared too.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Sang Hee chimed in, squirting warm gel onto Amina’s stomach.  “This is a painless procedure.  You and the baby won’t feel a thing.”  She ignored the lovebirds as they continued staring deeply into each other’s eyes.  She had seen her share of odd couples in her twenty-something years at the hospital.  There was nothing that could faze her.  Her intern on the other hand…

“Yah!”  Sang Hee snapped, drawing the young girl’s oogling eyes towards her.  “Watch me.  Watch what I’m doing.”  Tapping on the keyboard with one hand, the old woman continuously kept her eyes on the monitor while she expertly dipped the end of the small probe with lubricant jelly.  Using slow, deliberate movements, she began sliding the transducer around.   First, near the top of the pubic bone.  Next, near the top of the uterus. 

Feeling worn, Youngbae directed his gaze towards the large LCD monitor.  He tightened their clasped hands and waited for the first pass to be made.

Sang Hee narrowed her eyes.

She tapped on the keyboard again and rolled the probe to the right.

Amina worried her bottom lip.

“Why can’t I hear anything?”  The old woman’s eyes squinted hard as she peered into the monitor.  She dipped her head closer to the screen, simultaneously pressing the transducer further into Amina’s stomach.  “I can’t hear anything,” the woman complained once more in a flat tone.

Youngbae bit his inner cheek and stared stonily straight ahead.

“Hmm.”

Agonizing seconds passed by in silence.

A heavy sigh. 

“See this?” the old woman pointed. 

Youngbae glanced over and experienced the young technician’s trepidation as she cautiously stepped up to the machine.  The girl slowly peered over her sunbae’s shoulder.

Sang Hee shook her head with open disgust.  “This has to be in pulsed wave mode in order to hear the heartbeat.”  As soon as she made the switch, the sound of a steady steamboat roared loudly through the air.

Whoosh.  Whoosh.  Whoosh.  Whoosh.

The worry lines around Amina’s mouth eased while Youngbae remained silent, too overcome with shocked relief.

Sang Hee glanced at the monitor and made sure the measurements were being recorded.  She nodded approvingly before switching on a different mode.  She rolled the probe around until a black pea-shaped pod appeared against a grainy static background.

Amina softly gasped.

“Neh,” the elderly woman smiled.  “That is your gestational sac that you are seeing there.  And that little white fuzzy area inside the black pod is your baby.”

Amina nodded with uncertainty.  “Does everything look okay?”

“Just a second.  I have to take a few measurements and then I will zoom in.”  She glanced over her shoulder and eyed her young assistant sternly.  “Please make sure there is enough paper in the printer.”  Sang Hee turned back around and flipped on another screen.  Shades of red and blue appeared.

On and on it went.

They determined the amount of amniotic fluid, examined the size an