BOM

When we reached the end of the archway, I saw a round Gazebo Pavilion which made of white marble. Jiyong led me there as we sat and rested there for a while. It wasn't like we argued but it was a bit awkward after all that talk we had earlier that he and I kept a slight distance from each other. When I peered at him through the corner of my eye, he was clumsily rolling up the sleeves of his shirt and untying his neck tie.

"It's quite cold here, aren't you cold?" he asked, suddenly offering me his suit. Flustered, I vigorously shook my head. He looked at me but didn't say a word as he placed his suit beside him. 

When he stared at me again, "Do I look like I bite? why are you sitting too far?" he asked. "Come here." He said, tapping the space beside him. Maybe I was the only one who was thinking things were awkward between us. "I'm fine sitting here." I responded.  

He looked like he was going to protest but stopped as he stared passively at me. "Okay, fine." he muttered, turning his attention in front.

"What do you want to tell me here?"

"Everything about me." He responded, quickly glancing at me. A small sad smile made way on his lips before he panned his attention away from me.

Clearing his throat, "My parents have been funding this orphanage even before I was born. We used to have a house near here and I've lived there until I was about 14 or 15. Most of my playmates back then were the orphans here." He paused, staring at me.

"And one of them was the woman I married." 

I wished I didn't look at him for the surprised in my face was too obvious. It was too sudden I didn't know what to ask or how to react. The beautiful woman I saw from the video I watched earlier suddenly flashed in my mind and I felt the sympathy crawling inside of me again. Swallowing, I turned my attention away from him and stared at the marble ground instead. 

"So that's how you met her?" I found myself asking.

"Yes. We were childhood friends and the fact that we kind of grew up together and spent half of our lives knowing each other contributed a lot to why we ended up falling in love with each other." 

When I stared at him, he was looking back at me too but his eyes and his expression seemed far away as if he was reminiscing those times. He was lost in his past.

"By the time we reached college, I had to go to the States to study. She on the other hand, got a scholarship in one of the prestigious Universities here so you can say that we had long-distance relationship. A very tough one but we managed to get through it without breaking up." He said.   

I was in the same country too. I wonder if there was a time where we had already crossed paths with each other in the street but had no idea about it. The thought of it was amusing. We were unaware of each other's existence. Both living a different life, both clueless of the twisted fate and what the future might bring to us. 

"And then two years after we finished our studies and landed on our jobs, I proposed to her. . .” he trailed.

“right here." 

I felt my brows rose in slight surprised. No wonder the place looked so magical and romantic. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had this pavilion and that archway built for that purpose only.

"When did you get married?" I asked, interestedly. 

"We waited for a year." He said. He looked surprised that I questioned him first about that.

"What was it like to be married?" I asked out of curiosity. I noticed a slight smile tugging the corners of his lips then. 

"Life-changing." He said, nodding his head. "Our marriage life had been a fun and challenging one. And even though we knew each other for a long time, once we lived under the same roof, we found out that there were still things we actually didn't know about each other which made everything really interesting. I felt so much happiness and contentment with her and to tell you the truth, it was just like marrying your best friend and living with her every day. She was the best thing that ever happened in my life." He said, locking eyes with me.  

“But suddenly she started doing some odd things.” He paused, his voice was almost a whisper and I could see the pain in his face as he looked back at his past.

“Odd things like what?” I asked.

“At first I didn’t pay attention to it but then it became very noticeable. She started to forget where she put her bags and stuff like her phone which she always carry with her all the time. She confused the events, missed the meetings at her work and even forgot our date which she never did."

When he suddenly stood up from his seat and walked at my direction, I remained seated in my spot and watched him leaned against the pillar across me with his arms folded against his chest. 

Staring at me, "Until one Sunday afternoon, she came home crying. That was the first time I saw her having an emotional breakdown and it surprised me so much I had no idea what to do except to hug and console her. I asked her what was wrong and why was she crying and she told me she couldn't find her way home. She couldn't remember the address and that she tried to reach her phone to call me but she realized she didn't bring it with her."

"I was like, are you kidding me? Is this a joke?" He paused, letting out a bitter laugh. "How I wish that was really just a joke." He added, looking at me.

“Why was she crying?” A part of me knew what might cause that but I had to make sure.

“She was diagnosed with an Alzheimer's Disease and she didn't tell me about it until that happened.”

“Was she pregnant at that time too.”  

It didn’t sound like a question that Jiyong looked taken aback at what I said. “How did you know?” he asked, confusedly.

“It was an accident. I was just looking for a good movie to watch and happened to see a CD.”

“What CD?” He asked, curiously.

“The one that had a DISC 1 label in it.” I responded.

“The one where we're sitting on the sofa?” He asked, a clear hint of sadness was in his voice.

“Yes.” I said. “I didn’t mean to watch . . . “

“It’s okay.” He said, interrupting me. “Did you watch it until the end?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. 

Blushing, "No, I felt like I was intruding your privacy so I didn’t. . .”

“So you didn’t see it.” He said, looking expectantly at me.

“See what?”

“That she suddenly mistook me for someone else.”

No wonder they were saying words of affection in the video. They already knew.

Not knowing what to say, the two of us grew silent for a long moment. My chest was aching for him and for the hurt I see in his face.  I wanted to throw myself at him and hug him but a part of me wasn't completely giving in.

“The development of her disease accelerated quickly in a span of months that by the time Miyoung was born she didn’t recognize her and even me.” He said. 

“Soon she lost her physical abilities. She couldn’t walk or even sit. She was bed ridden and unable to communicate which broke my heart. Seeing her suffer in that state while I couldn't do anything about it made me feel so useless and helpless. I couldn't count how many times I had wished I was the one lying on her sickbed instead of her.”

Frowning, “how could someone as young, cheerful, energetic and very beautiful as her suffer on that? What had she done wrong to deserve that? She was an excited mother and was really looking forward to meeting Miyoung but because of that illness, she wasn't even able to hold her." 

As I listened to him, I could feel the lump building in my throat I had to swallow for it to be gone. "We had a family doctor to watch over her all the time and since she was an orphan, my parents, the two women you saw earlier and I stayed with her until . . .” He paused, wincing. 

“Until her very last day." 

As soon as he ended, a cool chilling breeze encompassed us making the leaves and every plants rustled around us. I shivered and rubbed my arms as I suddenly felt goosebumps.

"I told you it's cold here." Jiyong suddenly said, as he draped his suit over my shoulders before he took a sit beside me.   

“How did you handle the aftermath?” I asked, looking at him through the corner of my eye.

“Miyoung.” 

I felt myself smiled at that. “She’s my daughter and my salvation.” He said, “If not for Miyoung I don’t think I would be able to survive and face each new day without my wife. She’s the only one that keeps me going.”

Nodding, I looked down at my fingers as I thought of what I just found out. Suddenly, I became aware of the scar I got from the fire in my lower left shoulder that I slipped my hand inside my shirt’s neck hole and touched it. 

“Is your scar causing you discomfort?” He asked.

I looked at him again surprised that he remembered. “No.” I muttered. 

I knew he was curious but instead of asking, he crouched down across me. When he took my hands that was resting on my knees, he kissed my knuckles and looked up at me. “I assume since you watched the video, you know the name of my deceased wife.” He said.

“Han Ga In.” I muttered, nodding. “She’s really pretty.” I added, looking at my hands.

Smiling, “Thank you.” He said, staring at me.

 “Well, I was just saying the truth.” I shrugged.

Chuckling, “No, I meant Thank you, for listening to me.”

"You're welcome." I muttered, pulling my hands from him.

His hands remained rested on my knees as he stared up at me thoughtfully. I could feel my cheeks warming up the longer we held eye contact.

"You said earlier you might not do this work for a long time."

The way he sounded and talked to me made me feel like I was a child that I found myself nodding in response.   

"That's good." He said, nodding. "What are you planning to do?"

It was a question I didn't expect and for the first time, I felt myself unable to think of an answer. Plans? I was just thinking of moving away far from everyone. I stopped thinking of my plans for the future. I stopped dreaming. Lots of things played in my head and suddenly, the question embarrassed me. When I looked away, he held my chin and turn me to him. He looked at me searchingly as he said, "I am not asking you to be mine just so I can tie you up. Whatever your plans for yourself, that's up to you. If you want to resign, that’s fine with me. Why would I stop you if I know you’re capable of becoming something else? I want you to grow as well Bom and like what I've told you earlier, you're still young and if you have dreams that you want to do or pursue, I can only stand here and support you.”

Reaching for my hands, "Another thing, you told me that you might leave or hurt me. Why do you have to worry about the future that isn't even here yet? Why do you sound so sure about that?" He asked.

I could feel my throat tightening at his questions. Pressing my lips tight, I eyed him skeptically as he waited for me to say something. He wasn’t insisting but I could tell from the way he stared at me that he wanted me to tell him. When I didn’t speak, he slowly nodded as if he understood my silence.

“Now, let’s go to the fact that you like me.” He smiled, squeezing my hands.

“Can I just say that even though I already knew what you feel for me, it still surprised me when I heard you say that for the first time.” He chuckled but there was a hint of sadness to it.

Looking down, I stared at his hands gently caressing the back of mine. It felt so warm and pleasant just like him and when he kissed it again, I gazed at him and felt tingly sensation that sipped through my body. 

“Can’t we try? Will you give me a chance?” He asked after a long silence.

"I really don’t want to let you go." 

I felt like my heart dropped to my stomach seeing his dejected expression with his voice that almost sounded like he was pleading. His way of expressing himself to me made me feel like I was the only one that mattered to him. He made me feel important, special, and . . . alarmed. 

“You don’t have to give me anything in return. You just have to allow me to show you how much I like you in every possible way.” He said.

“I’m sorry if I tend to overwhelm you with my affection. I didn’t mean to appear that way and that was really insensitive and selfish of mine. I’ll tone down my actions if you want. Just don’t— “

"Jiyong, stop." I said, rigidly. 

"What are you doing?" I asked, looking at him searchingly as his lips pressed into a thin hard line. "This is not you, don't act like this." I continued, as I felt myself being consumed with concern and guilt.

"You are giving me hints and making me feel like I am about to lose you at any moment. How could you tell me not to act like this?” He said, as he removed his hands from mine and hastily stood up. He was evidently restless as he kept on pacing back and forth. When he stopped and turned his back at the opposite direction, I watched him as he roughly rubbed his face and ruffled his hair with his hands.

God, He's falling for me. 

"Is it really hard for you to accept me?" He asked.

"I've given you options, right? If you don't want to be in a relationship yet, I can wait. I don't mind how long as long as I get to see you, as long as i know you're here. But you. . ." he trailed, pointing a finger at me.

"I feel like what you want is to entirely disappear in my life and I can't and won't accept that. Just why, Bom?" He paused, looking questionably at me. I pressed my lips tight as I stared at him. He was growing anxious and upset.

"Of course you will choose to remain silent." He scoffed, shaking his head.  

"But I understand." He added. "You don't know but i've always try to understand. Even now, i still understand if you don’t want to tell me about it. And to tell you the truth, a part of me have always known there’s something about you that you don’t easily show and the only resolution that i have in my mind is that maybe you are so self-reliant that you’re used to dealing things on your own. Yes, i am curious. And sometimes, i am worried like how you got me worried when you told me about your uncle. But i don't want to ask you further about it. I don't want to ask even if i'm dying to know why you're suddenly doing this. I don't want to pressure you because i want you to come to me willingly. I want you to realize that i am here. I want you to be comfortable and at ease with me. I want you to speak your mind and i want to hear your thoughts.” He paused, sighing.

“Bom, I wish someday you will let your guard down on me and trust me. I just wish you will not only return my kisses and touch when I hold you but will also give me a chance to fully let me in your life. I wish you will allow me to know you better for I deeply care about you and I find it unfair because I haven't given you my best shot yet. And yet here you are, trying to push me away. I don't know how long are we going to lasts or whether i will make you love me someday but all i care is what we have right now. This strong connection between us. And I don't want to lose this. You, most importantly." 

The deafening silence that followed as soon as he finished made me hear my own fast heartbeat. He knew me so well I could feel my throat tightening at those words that sounded so honest and sincere. A part of me didn’t want to look at him afraid that I would be vulnerable. But I felt warm and surprisingly delighted that I looked up and still stared at his crestfallen face. I had never met a person as expressive, eloquent and earnest as him. 

Look at you, what am I going to do with you when you keep on putting me into situation that is hard to escape.

“Do you really like me that much? Enough to say a monologue?” I found myself asking.

The way he stared at me made him look like he just smelled something nasty. “Are you trying to be funny in this situation? It’s not working well. And yes, I like you this much I don’t care if you think I’m desperate.” He said, turning his back away from me.

Sighing, I stood up and walked towards him. “Jiyong.”

When he turned and looked at me, “What?”

“Let’s stop this I—”

“Weren’t you listening to me earlier? I told you I won’t let you go.” He said, through his gritted teeth. “So stop with whatever goodbye speech you’re about to say.” He continued, scowling at me.

“You listen to me first.”

“No.” he retorted.  “I won’t. I don’t want to hear that.” He continued.

“Don’t expect me to say or do mushy and cringe worthy things on you.” I paused and his brow furrowed in deep confusion.

"That's not funny, Bom." 

Sighing, “I don’t do surprises. Don’t expect me to do something like that for you.”

 His slowly eyes widened in astonishment.

“I don’t remember birthdays well so don’t take it to heart if I forget yours and I don’t mind if you forget mine as well but just in case you’re curious, the date is March 24.”

His lips slightly parted. 

Clearing my throat, “It might take time for me to get used to this but I’ll try.” I finally said.

“I don’t love you but— “  

“But you like me too and I see hope in there.” He interrupted.

I don’t know whether to call him stupid or optimistic.

“You opened up to me.” I paused, looking at him intently.  

“I don’t do that but . . .”

“But what?”

“But I’ll try.” I continued.

Nodding his head, “Little by little.” He smiled, weakly.  

“My life is different from yours. I didn’t grow up with a very ideal family like yours. We are different in so many levels most especially in status. I might fail or cause you shame sometimes because of those things— “

“I don’t care about those. I like and accept you just the way you are and I’m proud of you.”

My brows slightly rose up in surprised. “O-okay.” I mumbled, suddenly aware of the butterflies in my stomach.

Faking a cough, “I already know you’re very affectionate so just be yourself when you’re around me.”

“But you said I overwhelm you.”

“Weren’t you listening? I said, I’ll try.”  

Hesitantly, he nodded. “What else.”

“I am not as expressive as you. You might misinter—”

“I already know that and I won’t misinterpret anything.” He responded, surprising me.   

“I don’t like public display of affection.”

Suddenly, his wicked grin that I got used to appeared in his face. “What about private?”  

I kept my face stoic as I swallowed hard, “I don’t understand why did you ask that when you already know the answer to that.”  

“Just making sure.” With the way he spoke, I could tell he was restraining a laugh. His eyes suddenly became alive with delight like a little kid who got a bunch of toys.

“Anything else you want to mention?”

I thought for a while before I shook my head, “That’s all.” I said.

He eyed me thoughtfully as he nodded. “Okay, as long as your conditions are acceptable I’ll do that.”

When I ran out of things to say, he let out a sighed of relief. “That was one hell of a roller coaster ride, Park bom. You’ve successfully made me feel all these sorts of emotions in just a short period of time.” He said, as he cupped my face.

“Thank you.” He whispered, as he placed a warm kiss on my forehead.

Pulling away, “Thank you.” He said, once again as he moved his mouth and kissed both sides of my flushed cheeks. His lips lingered there for quite long.

When he pulled me into a tight embrace after, I immediately noticed him tensing and relaxing as he let out a deep breath.

“Jiyong, I can’t—”

“What? Don’t tell me you changed your mind?” He asked, burying his face into my hair as he tugged me closer to him. I felt like my back bone was going to break any moment with the way he was holding me.

Frowning, “No, you’re— “

“Then don’t talk.” He demanded, interrupting me. When I squirmed in his arms, he loosened his clasp and I was able to breathe properly again. “Please don’t do that again.” He suddenly whispered as he planted a kissed at the side of my neck.

“If you’re unhappy or bothered about something, talk to me, I will listen. Don’t try to break away from me just like what you did. I won’t allow that.” He continued.   

As I caressed the back of his head, I rested my head on his shoulder fully surrendering to him. The serenity of the surroundings and us, made me feel calm and safe in his arms. I could feel him pressing his mouth into my hair while his hands remained tightly wrapped around me.

I had no idea how long we stayed in that position until I asked, “Are you okay?” after a lengthy comfortable dead silence. My legs were getting tired from staying in one position that I shifted uncomfortably.

Of course, he’s not okay. I thought when he didn’t say anything in response.

When the cool breeze blew again, I smelled his signature scent that I took a sniffed and inhaled the heavenly smell from his neck. It was very aromatic, warm, spicy and woody but sweet.

From now on, every time I smell this, I will remember this day.  

As I subtly inched closer at the crook of his neck, I moved down my hands from his hair to his back, gently patting and caressing him just in case he still needed comfort. I was still trying to figure out what was his perfume when I felt something odd that surprised and mortified me.

“Park bom, what are you doing?” He grumbled against my ear.

“What? I didn’t do anything.” I said, trying to pull away.

“Don’t move too much.” He commanded. It was a good thing his head was still on my shoulders or else he would see my scarlet face.

“You can’t stand still, you’re sniffing my neck and my back with your hands and now I’m. . .” he sighed, exasperatedly. I felt his mouth kissed the nape of my neck before he drew back, putting a distance between us. My curious eyes involuntarily moved down at the center of his trousers and I felt my mouth parted a little in surprised upon seeing the effects of my actions. When I gazed at him again, he was smiling ear to ear. 

"Can i kiss you?" He asked, hesitantly. 

 And I've become selfish again.

"Come here."