Play: Really - Song Joong Ki

 

JIYONG

 

I ran up the stairs to the second floor, straight to the fire exit. As soon as I got there though, I stopped just by the door. It loomed before me, like it was challenging me to face my worst fear. Taking a steadying breath, I pushed it open. The late afternoon light seemed to stab my eyes as I stepped out onto the narrow staircase.

 

Looking around, I found Hansuk sitting on the bottom step, his head lowered and shoulders hunched over.

 

“Ya, Hansuk-ah,” I call out to him as I took each step carefully. “You wanted to talk to me about Hana?”

 

Hansuk looked up and met my scared eyes with steel ones. I couldn't read his expression. I forced myself to cross the remaining gap between us.

 

“What's it about?” I asked again once I reached the landing. Hansuk slowly stood up, the whole time boring holes into me with his stoic eyes.

 

We stood like that for a while, staring at each other. I figured by now that he knew what happened to me and Hana. It took me all my strength not to look away from him. I stood my ground, but nothing could have prepared me for the right hook that landed on my left cheek. I was so surprised that I stumbled and fell, stunned. I my lower lip and tasted blood. I wasn't mad. In all honesty, I deserved that.

 

“You're such a coward, you know that?” Hansuk said in a soft voice as if he hadn't just thrown a punch at me.

 

I looked up at him, expecting to see anger on his face. I was ready for it, too. If he needed to beat me up, I would have gladly taken all of it. But what I saw in his face tightened the muscle in my chest even more. Pain and guilt was written all over his face. I looked down on my knees, ashamed of knowing that those emotions in his eyes were caused by me.

 

“You were the first one I told about my feelings for Hana because I knew—I felt it in my heart—that you liked her, too.” Hansuk said, sitting back down on the staircase's bottom step. We were at the same level now but I still refused to look at him in the eyes. I kept my head buried between my legs like a lost puppy. “She loves you, Ji.”

 

I tried to bury my head further down my legs but I could still hear Hansuk breathing heavily. Silence enveloped us for a long time—Hansuk staring at me while I tried to curl into a tight ball.

 

“I hate the fact that you used your promise to me as an excuse to hurt Hana.” He said after a while making me look up sharply. “I didn't ask you to help me, Ji. You offered but I never wanted you to. I wanted a fair fight.” Hansuk shook his head as he looked at me with annoyance. “I wanted you to admit to yourself that you like her, too, so you can fight for her like I was going to.”

 

I know I should be speaking right now. I should be defending myself using the excuse I had practiced beforehand but all those things I made up in my mind seemed dishonest in front of Hansuk's earnest confession. It was like every defense I came up with vanished into thin air.

 

Eventually, Hansuk stood up and slung his backpack over his shoulder. He let out a frustrated sigh as he looked at the pathetic ball that I had become on the landing.

 

“Stop using me as an excuse to push Hana further away. Tell her the real reason why you rejected her. She deserves that.” he said before going up the stairs. A couple of steps up, he turned back and smiled sadly at me. “And for the record, I don't like her that much anymore.” I swear I could see his eyes water and his hands clench as he said those words.

 

Hansuk's steps echoed in the narrow fire escape as he ran up the stairs and disappeared through the door. It took me a moment to let everything he said settle in my mind. I had to close my eyes for a second to fully understand Hansuk's intentions.

 

I felt like I sat there for a century. I didn't even notice the sky darken until I finally looked up after what seemed liked forever.

 

Slowly, I got up from the ground and dragged myself up the stairs. With every step, I thought about everything that happened, how I kissed Hana, how I tried to push her away by deliberately hurting her, how I found excuse after excuse to make her stay way. Yet deep inside, I died every time I saw her try to act like she's fine.

 

Hansuk was right. This wasn't about him. This was all about me not wanting to admit to my real feelings. I was hiding behind my fear and commitment issues.

 

My heavy steps up the stairs became lighter as I started to run up and out of the fire exit. Running as fast as I could, I hoped and prayed that Hana was still in the classroom. I know I was terribly too late but I desperately wished to see her right now. At least let me see her face.

 

My sides hurt and my feet felt like hell but I didn't care, I just ran to the classroom with all my strength. My heartbeat went up to the three digits once I saw that the door was still open and the lights were still on. I almost tripped as I ran and slid in the room.

 

“HANA!” I screamed her name like it was the only thing I could say.

 

But no one was there.

 

I looked around, convinced that this was a trick and Hana was just hiding under a desk or something but I was completely alone. Only my bag was left on my desk. I walked up to it, already feeling my heart plummet to the ground. She must have waited for a long time.

 

I took deep breaths to calm myself as I sat myself down on my seat. Burying my head in my bag, I silently berated myself for letting her wait too long. It took me a long time to finally lift my head and decide to go home. I stood up and dragged my bag off the desk only to notice a small envelope fall from under the bag. I picked up the blue envelope from the floor.

 

Flipping it over, my heart almost stopped when I saw my name on the back in Hana's careful handwriting. She had left me a letter.

 

I blinked several times, making sure that what I was seeing wasn't just an outpouring of my own desires to see Hana so badly. Several blinks and a headshake later, it was still there in my hand, as blue as ever. I slowly opened the letter with shaking hands.

 

Four pieces of paper came out of the envelope. They looked like they were ripped carefully from a notebook and folded in equal parts. As I unfolded them, I swallowed a huge lump in my throat. These were pages from Hana's diary.

 

“Dear Jiyong,

 

It's been a while since I've written to you. It's been a really long time since I've even opened you.”

 

A slow pained smile crept on my face. She called her diary Jiyong? Or was she writing imaginary letters to me?

 

“For months I kept saying that I was too busy to write again. That since I was rejected it would be understandable that I never open you again. But that's what's tricky about love, you think you're so sure of your decision but it comes back with a vengeance and throws you a er punch when you least expect it.

 

I remember the very first time we talked to each other. I thought you were some stuck up celebrity because you were a trainee in some big shot entertainment company but it you were the first one to introduce yourself to me. Your smile was the most dazzling thing I had ever seen and ever since then, I had been trying make other happy with mine.

 

I always fought with you, called you names, and made fun of you, but you always got back at me with the same things. I thought those were just things normal friends do. You already know my feelings for you but more than that, you were first and foremost, my best friend, which I was—and still am—extremely grateful for. Soon, I started caring for you more and more. You became even more special to me.

 

I know you care for me probably as much as I care for you. Why would you push me to someone who you knew would take good care of me if you didn't? I appreciate that. Hansuk is a really good guy, but Ji, you already had my heart from the moment you feigned a flu just to stay with me in the school clinic. Do you even remember that?

 

I would only be hurting both Hansuk and myself if I had done what you intended. I know you would have ended up being hurt, too.

 

I did try to get over you after what happened between us. I did try to think of you as just another normal classmate, hoping that someday, I can claim you as a friend again. Honestly speaking though, trying to bury these feelings killed me every day. Instead of getting over you, I fell deeper and deeper into despair because I knew deep in my heart that I still love you so much. I tried convincing myself, Hyekyung, and every single person around me that I was moving on but I never did. Truth is, I never wanted to.

 

When you read this, whether you throw it away or keep it as a reminder of your once best friend, please know that my feelings will never change. You will always be my best friend and my first love.

 

I only wish for one thing at this point—for us to forget hurting each other. Whether it was intentional or not, we did hurt each other. I'm really sorry and I hope we will get over that because what really matters right now is for us to fix our friendship.

 

You still are my best friend, Kwon Jiyong, and I love you more than anything. That, I hope you will never forget.”

 

Before I even finished reading, I knew my cheeks were wet with tears. Memories of us together came rushing in in tidal waves. They hit me so hard that my knees buckled. I was so stupid to let my fear and pride push my best friend away.

 

Tears flowed freely as I clutched the letter to my chest. There was one thing I know for sure right now. I'm in love with Yoo Hana and I'm the biggest idiot in the world for trying to deny it.

 

HANA

 

I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I felt the tiny muscle in my chest constrict again as I remembered the envelope I had left on Jiyong's desk. Did he see it? Did he read it? Was giving him an entry in my diary worth it? Or did he just throw it away?

 

I my side and groaned. Should I wait for a response? It was a confession letter of some sort but I didn't really obligate him to reply. It was just me letting out what I felt to my diary which I decided to let him read. I puffed air into my cheeks then let it out slowly. I really hoped he would reply. A thank you would be enough, no matter how awkward it would be.

 

I rolled over to my back to look at the ceiling again. I've never anticipated anything this much my entire life, yet I was dreading his reply as well. I stretched out across the bed and closed my eyes. I reminded myself that whatever would happen tomorrow, I shouldn't regret anything.

 

Those words in the letter were my real feelings. Whether Jiyong acknowledges them or not is up to him.

 

I was already slowly drifting off when my phone's ringtone startled me. I unearthed it from the pillows and answered on the next ring.

 

“Did you talk?” I totally forgot about Hyekyung.

 

“Ahh... No, but I did give him the letter.” I said, already anticipating Hyekyung's lecture but to my utter shock, she just sighed then kept quiet.

 

“I hope you're okay, though,” she suddenly said which made me smile. “ If you need someone to talk to, nag me, arasso?”

 

I let out a laugh and said I would. We said goodnight and hung up. It's good to know I have a friend like Hyekyung who's really looking out for me. I was about to put my phone back under the pillows when it rang again. When I looked at the screen, my heart stopped.

 

It was Jiyong.

 

I just stared at the screen for the longest time. I couldn't just let it ring forever. Taking a very deep breath, I eventually pushed the answer button.

 

“Yoboseyo?” I knew my voice was shaking. It's been a long time since I've talked to Jiyong on the phone and with him on the other line right now, all those late night talks we had before suddenly played like a movie in my head.

 

“Hana...” Jiyong sounded hoarse, almost like he was sick—or crying. “Hana, I'm so sorry.”

 

I sat up immediately.

 

“Where are you?” I asked him, already scrambling for my pants and jacket. I put them on as Jiyong sniffled on the other line. I could feel my chest constrict.

 

“At the park near your house,” he managed to say before sobbing again. I nodded, like he can see me then dashed out of my room.

 

I didn't care if my parents would scold me for going out this late, I just ran out from the house, my phone in my ear and my heart in my throat.

 

“I'm almost there. Hang on.” I told him. It was so surprising at how I was able to keep calm despite the imaginary hand crushing my heart.

 

Hearing Jiyong cry kept me sane as I ran to the park. My shoelaces weren't even tied properly.

 

I was breathing heavily by the time I reached the park. It was just a small children's playground with a swing, a slide, and a jungle gym. I played here when I was a kid so I was familiar with it.

 

“I'm here. Where are you?” I breathed out, looking around the park frantically. Even before he stuttered out his answer I already spotted him in one of the swings, hunched over with his arms wrapped around the chains. His shoulders were shaking from all the crying.

 

“I see you,” I said, but I stayed at the entrance, watching him. I hung the phone up, just as he looked up and found me. Taking a deep breath, I smiled gently, already feeling my heart break from the streaks of tears on his cheeks.

 

Jiyong just stared at me, his lips shaking, tears streaming freely from his eyes. He was clutching my letter with his left hand and his phone in his right. Slowly, he stood up and without any kind of warning, bowed so low I thought he was going to fall over.

 

I was so shocked that on reflex, I ran to him. I clutched on his shoulders and tried to make him stand up but he wasn't budging. He stayed that way, his arms neatly tucked to his sides, his tears falling on the ground.

 

“What are you doing?” I asked frantically.

 

“I'm so sorry, Hana-yah,” he said in a firm but soft voice. My eyebrows knotted together as I tried to understand what he meant.

 

“What are you saying, Ji?” I asked, still trying to push his shoulders up. “Stop this right now.”

 

“No,” he murmured, still not budging. “I hurt you so much that a simple sorry would never be enough. I know you deserve more than a formal apology but I don't—”

 

I pushed him so hard that he stumbled back. He looked at me surprised at my strength and at the tears in my eyes. Gritting my teeth, I stepped closer to him and wrapped my arms around his chest, all the way to the back. He stiffened, but that only made me pull him in closer.

 

“Hana...” he muttered, as I tightened my the hug.

 

“It's enough, Ji, it's more than enough.” I murmured, burying my face in his chest. I was crying so hard that I was pretty sure his uniform was soaked through.

 

I hugged him tighter, locking my arms behind him. After what seemed like years, Jiyong finally relaxed and wrapped his arms around me. One hand cradled my head while the other went around my waist. He rested his head on mine and cried. I could feel his sobs run through his body but that just made me hold him tighter.

 

We stayed that way for a long time, letting our sobs consume our energy but I didn't feel weak because we were somehow sharing each other's energy. This was what I had wanted all along: comfort from my best friend.

 

When I felt that the both of us already calmed down, I slowly leaned out of the hug. I was pretty sure my eyes were red and bloated but looking up at Jiyong's, I couldn't help but giggle. He certainly looked worse than I felt.

 

His hands came up to my cheeks and wiped away the streaks of tears. He smiled wryly, still avoiding my eyes.

 

“I'm sorry,” he whispered in a hoarse voice.

 

“I know.”

 

“I pushed you away because I was stupid...”

 

“I know.”

 

“...and prideful.”

 

“I know.”

 

He finally looked into my eyes and gritted his teeth. I sensed a new bout of tears coming so I put my hands on his cheeks, feeling the warmth of his tears clash with my icy palms. I smiled encouragingly at him.

 

“I'm also scared, Hana,” he swallowed the sob, as he ran a hand over his already disheveled hair. “We're going to debut as idols soon and we're expected to be single all the time. I kept thinking about people might hurt you if they find out about you. I don't know how to handle that.” He closed his eyes and held my hands on his cheeks. “I've worked my whole life for my music and I don't want to come to a point where I would have to choose between the girl I love and my passion.”

 

I smiled, feeling my heart jump at the last sentence. I lowered my hands from his cheeks, bringing along his as well. I led him to the swings and made him sit down. I took the swing next to his.

 

“You don't have to, Ji,” I said, gripping the chains as I smiled at him. “I thought about it and I have to admit I also acted selfishly. I knew your situation yet I only thought about myself and expected you to answer my feelings back.” I started to swing lightly, kicking the dirt under my shoes. “I let you read those pages from my diary because I wanted you back as my best friend. Whether you answer my feelings or not, I would still ask for you not to pursue a romantic relationship with me.”

 

Jiyong snapped his head towards me, shock and confusion on his face. I only looked up at the sky and took a deep breath. After a while, I turned to him again. This time, I could see the pain in his eyes, as well as some sort of understanding. I felt my heart constrict again.

 

“We don't have to be a couple to love each other, Ji,” I said in soft but steady voice. “Honestly, I'm also scared that one day, a year or two from now, we'd get sick of hiding our relationship—because I'm absolutely sure we'd have to—and end up hating each other because of it.”

 

Jiyong bit his lip and looked away from me. He knew I was right.

 

Clearing my throat, I stood up and clasped my hands behind my back. The summer night was starting to become cold. I walked towards Jiyong and crouched down in front of him.

 

“Tell you what,” I started, a genuine excited smile on my lips. “Let's make a promise right now.”

 

“What kind of promise?”

 

“That we'll stay friends until whenever.”

 

Jiyong tilted his head and gazed at me with a look so full of longing that I almost lost my composure. The edges of his lips pulled into a wistful smile. I took that as a good sign. Holding out my right hand's pinky finger, I grinned at him.

 

“Lovers break up but friends will always care and love for each other no matter what.” I said, already feeling the edges of my eyes getting wet.

 

Reluctantly, Jiyong clasped my pinky with his. Then our thumbs met, sealing our promise.

 

“Friends,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat.

 

“Friends.”

 

Our eyes met and I could tell he wanted to be more than that, now that he had told me his real feelings. I wanted to just forget about everything and jump right into his arms, too, but we had to be realistic. Knowing each other's feelings is enough. At least for now.

 

After a while, I stood up again. Smiling sincerely was starting to become a burden for me. I stood there awkwardly, while Jiyong sat on the swing in silence. We were engulfed in a silence so deafening that I thought the world actually stopped for us.

 

Jiyong stood up slowly, biting his lip. He looked like he was fighting with himself. Finally, he looked straight into my eyes and took a deep breath.

 

“Hana,” he started in an earnest, no-nonsense voice. “One day, when I'm already successful and accomplished and you still feel the same way about me, I'm going to break that promise and pursue you relentlessly.”

 

I felt my heart stop then start again with a frantic beating that I'm sure Jiyong heard in the silence that met his confession. Jiyong had just knocked me senseless.

 

“I love you, Yoo Hana,” he continued, rendering me breathless as well. “I just wanted to tell you that now that I'm completely sure about it. I'll come back to you someday. That's my promise to you.”

 

As I froze on the spot, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. Jiyong leaned over to me and placed a soft lingering kiss on my forehead.

 

“Wait for me Hana,” he whispered, sending goosebumps up my back and arms.

 

---

SEE? THIS WAS ONE LOOOOOOOOOONG CHAP.

Oh and to those who guessed that she was going to give him her diary, CLOSE ENOUGH. LOL 

Sadly though, this is high school Jiyong's last chapter. :( Did he redeem himself? LOL

I'm sorry if this is too dramatic btw. I tend to write like this even when I don't intend to. Heh.