“Jinki, walk your friend to the door!” my mother commanded me from the kitchen. Jonghyun smiled that big goofy grin at the fact that my mother called him my friend.

“Thank you for dinner, Mrs. Lee. It was really good!” he said politely before giving a curt bow.

“You’re welcome any time!” My mother said in her chipper voice. I sighed. Both of them were so upbeat and happy. It was too much for me to handle. Too much chipper hyper-ness for my cool blooded self to handle.

I started ushering Jonghyun to the door. Well, I guess you could say that I was pushing him but I mean… whatever. Close enough.

“I had a lot of fun, hyung!” He was so happy. It was just weird. I don’t understand how he could be so happy about something so simple.

“I’m glad,” I didn’t know what else to say.

“I’ll see you tomorrow though, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you at school.”

“Okay,” He said with a final smile. I was about to just close the door and let him make his way home but Jonghyun had to be difficult. He leaned forward and kissed my lips. I was a bit stunned at his sudden boldness. He didn’t even ask.

“Bye, hyung!” he said while nearly skipping down the sidewalk. I smiled. Then I frowned. Then I smiled a little and frowned at the same time and I just awkwardly grimaced. Then I closed my door. Then I walked away. Then I walked back and locked it so robbers couldn’t come in. That would be bad.

“I’m going to sleep. Good night.” I yelled out for my mother to hear.

“So early?” my mother replied from the kitchen.

“I’m tired.” I replied curtly.

I went into my room quickly, turned off the lights, and dove under the covers. Silent and cold, I curled into my blankets.

Here I am, thinking of you relentlessly like a damn fool. I’m just sitting here in my damn room thinking of you and what I can do to make you happy when I think that you probably scarcely think of me at all. The last thought of me that was in your thick skull was probably when you were saying goodbye at the door.

I sighed.

I wonder if you like cookies because if you do I would probably bake you some. I wonder how much sugar you like in your coffee because if I knew I would ask you to stay the night and I would make coffee for you in the morning. I wonder what type of cake you like so I could make you a cake for your birthday. I wonder what your favorite color is because if I knew I would paint my entire house that color just so maybe you would come over more often. I wonder if you wonder about me too because if you did I would tell you that I do like cookies and I like 2 spoons of sugar and  I like chocolate cake and my favorite color is green and I would tell you that I wonder about you every single day.

You know someone is far gone when they can’t feel the capacity to be able to love or even to be loved. When you are at that point of life, there is not much you can do. The thing that really separates humans and animals is our capacity to infinitely love and be consciously thinking of love. So, to lose that ability, it really gives you the feeling of not being much more than a kicked dog.

At a point of my life I felt that deep loneliness. I scarcely believed myself to even be worth looking at. I was nothing. When you look in the mirror and your eyes look much like a wounded animal’s, you start to get scared.

You start to want to change.

So, you shed your skin. You want to get rid of all the scars. Most of these scars are made by those little comments people make about you. Every time someone called me fat, I got this little cut that no one saw. They grew into deeper wounds as time went by and more and more people said more and more things. I tried to shed my skin to get rid of every single little imperfection they left on me. But, then I noticed, even my bones were scarred. It was like everything that they had told me and made fun of me for was carved into my bones. In a situation like that, there’s not much to do.

You feel ugly from the inside out.

You try so hard to recreate yourself. You just want to be beautiful and graceful and smart and funny and wonderful and perfect. You want to be absolutely perfect. But then you realize people don’t even like perfect people because they get jealous. So, you end up not even wanting to be perfect anymore. You want to be flawed but you want to have flaws that are cute or likeable. You want to just be worth liking and have enough good qualities that someone will enjoy having you around because you don’t want to be alone.

I’ve never felt that I was worth being liked before.

But, I feel like Jonghyun discovered me. The best way to describe this is that he has never told me that I was good looking or smart or funny. He never implied these things. He just treated me as if I was smart and good looking and funny. It was like he dug me up like a dinosaur bone and never once said I was worth a million dollars, but he put me in a glass case and treated me like I was. I was this prized possession for him that he could never let out of his sight. I was this wonderful person that he limitlessly loved and liked and wanted to be around. I was silently thankful of everything he did.

“Jinki-ah~” I raised my head slightly to look up at my door way.

“yes?” I hummed. My mother took that as an invitation to come into my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I scooted over a bit for her to get more space. I was laying on my side facing her, while wrapped up in my blankets.

“You weren’t sleeping yet, were you Jinki?” She said while running her hands through my hair.

“Not yet,” I replied softly. I knew that even if I was sleeping my mother would have no trouble at all with waking me up if she wanted to talk to me.

“He was a nice boy, Jinki,” my mother said sweetly. He hand still played with my hair. It was comforting.

I just hummed in response.

“I’m glad you’re making friends,” I knew she was smiling even if my room was too dark to see. Her hands felt callused and a little rough against my skin. But, it still felt good. I know that your parents are supposed to comfort you the most when you’re sad and stuff like that, but I guess since I never could tell my mom how much being bullied bothered me. I always pretending it was okay and that I was strong enough to handle it. I know I wasn’t. But, I just pretending I was so my mom and dad wouldn’t worry as much. But, I knew that she knew how horrible it was.

“What was his name again, Jinki?” She was braiding my hair. She couldn’t braid it much though; it only went to a bit before my shoulders.

“Kim Jonghyun,” for some reason saying his name sent this wave of emotion over me. It made my spine tingle and my heart ache.

“Well, I think he’s nice. You should invite him over more,” She undid the braid and started redoing it.

“I will, umma.”

“He’s really handsome! I bet he had a ton of girlfriends,” she laughed a little bit to herself. The image of Jonghyun having a ton of girlfriends wasn’t surprising. He was…. handsome. I even thought he was handsome when I first saw him.

“Not really…” I mumbled. She just laughed a bit again like she was telling an inside joke.

But what if Jonghyun did have a ton of girlfriends… What if he was really popular and had a million friends and he didn’t even care about me or like me. What if I didn’t even care about him or like him and we never met and I just continued being cold and alone even with my million new friends.

The thought made my stomach hurt.

“Umma, I don’t feel good,” I curled up a bit.

“Aigoo, Jinki-ah, why not?’ She had the motherly concern in her voice. I just shrugged my shoulders. She patted my back a little bit.

“I don’t know. Germs, umma, they’re everywhere.”

My mother laughed a bit and patted my back a few more times. Her hands messed up my hair once again. I felt the bed shift as she got up and walked to the door way.

“Let’s see if you feel better in the morning, okay? Good night. I love you.” She said as the door started closing behind her.

“Good night, umma.”

I didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want to get up in the morning. I didn’t want to be left alone at night. I didn’t want to have to try or to think.

But I knew I had to.

And I hated it.

Night time really gives you some dark thoughts.

But, at least I’d see Jonghyun tomorrow.

(A/N): WARNING. A LOT OF RAMBLING AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. AH. ALSO. A LOT OF GIFS AND GAYNESS. PLEASE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Omg. You guise. Life has taken a drastic turn of events. I have realized something quite shocking.

I don't even know if you can handle this.

I can't even handle this.

Kenny, my boyfriend, reads this story. yes. He reads it. Like he reads it and comprehends it.

He reads your comments. HE SPIES ON OUR SACRED LAND OF KPOP.

What do I even do. Like, now when I see him after I update I'm just going to stare at him and wonder if he's read it yet. or... IF HE'S JUDGED ME YET.

That's it. There's no chance of there ever being in this story. I can't. I can't even.

I found out this tragic fact after he left a comment on my story and I saw it and I was like....

NO. It CAN'T BE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I can never recover from this shock. How could this be. Kenny. Why would you do this.

But it's okay, I love you Kenny.

(Look, it's two guys... because we're gay. I knew you'd appreciate that.♥)

I just hope that Kenny will NOT JUDGE ME FOR BEING WHO I AM. A JONGYU SHIPPER.♥

ANYWAY. OKAY. WOW. GUISE.

So, I've been sick so I haven't updated and also, if I haven't replied to your wall posts or messages, I will probably do that tomorrow. I have just been sick and I don't want to send messgae that look like "fndjanbvdjhsajnvnsv i love u fnjdnjavnavnjsanj" Because that's how I feel. Anyway, I just wnted to update because I LOVE YOU. AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN SHOW IT.

SO WITHOUT FUTHER DELAY. LET US LOOK AT QUESTIONS.

(NOTE: QUESTION ANSWERS ARE LONG AND THOROUGH THEREFERE, IT IS A LOTTTTT. FEEL FREE TO SKIP Q's BUT I WILL NEVER BECAUSE I LOVE Q's. OK. ANYWAY. OK. I LOVE YOU. PLS CONTINUE.)

So, DAEBAKmama asked do you think a shark is cuter or a crocodile?

I think that they are actually both cute in chibi or plushie form. But, If I had to choose one, it would be sharks. Because I like fat animals and people because they are squishy and cute and cuddly and crocodiles are really not as squishy and have scales but sharks are smooth and squishy I believe. Yeah. So, I like them.

OnTaeSupporter asked about my pet dog and asked what breed is it and she put this cute smiley face that was like 8D. It was a cute smiley face.

Anyway, I have a poodle actually. Well, I have two dogs.I used to have one with my ex boyfriend, Bae. But, my parents have it now and it is a maltese named koinu which is like "puppy" or "doggy" in japanese. He is white and fluffy. And me and my Kenny have a poodle named gou which means dog in chinese. We aren't original with names and I just like white fluffy dogs. so.... yes

SuperjuniorsELF asked do you go to anime cons? 

I haven't been to one yet, but I am really like anime and manga so I would like to go to one. I just don't have much money and I'm not in good health so it would be hard to go. But, when I get funding, I will go and cosplay and party! Yeah!

Minhosnoona asked  since you live in Texas, do you like country music?

I actually do really like country music. I think the whole "country" I guess culture exists along with I guess supposed "northern" culture. i don't know. As a person that hasn't lived in America their whole life, it's weird to go to a place and for them to have like different music for a region of their country. But, I like it a lot. My boyfriend hates it, but I like secretly listen to Kenny Chesney. Which is funny since my boyfriend's name is Kenny. But, ANYWAY. I like Kenny Chesney and Garth Brooks and I LOVE TIM MCGRAW. okay. Anyway. Yes. I like country music.

Shiningangelmel asked me have you ever dyed your hair, something that wasn't a natural color? 

Um, well, I don't know the conjugations for "dyed" or their uses because I never thought of learning them. But, I will try my best!

Um, I have never dyed to my hair before to a color that was unnatural. My parents are really strict! But, my friends all dyed their hair like purple or pink or blue and I thought I was so cool when I dyed the hair just brown. Because, I'm asian and my hair is always going to be black! But, Kenny just dyed the hair all like blonde and then I guess, your hair grows back right and it makes a strip of black or whatever. But, so he makes the part that is blonde to like a blueish greyish color and it's really cool because it looks like his hair goes from black to grey. So, I want to do something cool like that! But. yeah. Right now my hair is just black. ;A;

Wow. My english looks so bad there, doesn't it? ;A: I'm sorrryyyy.

am I still Kawaii though?

I got asked a kind of advice question, so I wasn't sure if the person felt comfortable putting their name. So, I'm just going to put the question instead.

They asked have u been hurt before and the person knows, yet you don't know what to say and how to respond...?

I know exactly how you feel! Wowwwwwwwwww. I've been in a situation like this before.. This is really personal, but I trust you guys as friends so I don't mind tell you. but, this happened my parents found out I like guys. And, my mom was really mad at me. Like, she would not talk to me at all. But, then she would say something to me but it would be horrible. Like, she'd call me a or a or a or just tell me all this stuff about how no one will like me and I'm just disgusting and gross. It hurt a lot and she knew it hurt me because she wanted me to be hurt by it. And, I didn't tell her anything because she was my mom. Looking back on that, I wish I had told her that I am still happy with myself. Nothing that she said changed who i am. I still like men. I stil kiss men. I still, honestly, sleep with men. Well, not men, but one man. and I still date men. And I plan to continue to date men and eventually, hopefully, end up happily with a man until I die.  So, I think the best response is to let them know that nothing they can do or say will change who you are or alter you in anyway. You are strong and intelligent and beautiful and wonderful and if they can't see that, they aren't worth it. Now, if it's someone like your mother or father, then honestly, I just told my mom, "I'm sorry" and she was still upset but it made my life bearable. But, on the inside I knew that nothing she said could bother me and that I really wasn't sorry at ALLLLLLLLLL.

I LIKE BEING GAY.

But, if you still need someone to talk to, Marcus is herrrreeeee~~.♥

FINAL QUESTIONN~~~~.

rachanasapre asked meeeeee which kind of music do you like?

Omg. I like so much music I cannot eveeennnn. Okay. So, my musical life has gone through phases. Meaning, I started out ONLY listening to Japanese music. So, jrock like the telephones and things like that. Then, When I was 16 I started really like alternative, screamo, that kind of music. So, That's when I LOVED LOVED LOVEEDDD Tokio Hotel. They were like a german band. Then I got into kpop and Shinee and U-kiss and infinite, MBLAQ and music of that nature. Then I got into rap music. So, I liked Kid Cudi and Dumbfoundead and Epik High and Verbal Jint and not as well known rappers. But, lately I've been listening to indie. So, things like Beat Beat Beat and My Little Pony and Vodka rain and BUSKER BUSKER I FREAKING LOVE YOU BUSKER BUSKER and 10cm and just so much inddiieeeee. My boyfriend plays guitar and sings indie songs all the time so I'm addicted and it's horrible.

oh gawd is it possible to have boyfriend feels. dnajgvjdskavnjfdansjvnfnvjdsnjvnjnv.

OKAYYY GUISE. SOOOOO~~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~~~~.

Um. Yeah. That's all the WONDERFUL questions I got this update, So, here's the question I'd like to ask YOUUUUUUU!

What is your pet peeve?

I think pet peeves are interesting things and it's interesting to see what really bothers peoples.

last update everyone liked icecream. I personally don't eat icecream. But, there were some interesting answers like lettuce and oates!

So, leave your answers and your questions for me in the comments!

Okayyyy.

I love you.

you smell good.

i like your face,

okay

baaaiii

latteerrrr

aliiii

ggaattoorrrrr

okayyy

okay.

bai,

good,

bye

bby.

are you still reading this Kenny?

Omg.

STAHP.

OKAY BAI.