It’s so hard for me to leave your side. Every step away I take from you, the harder it is to believe you are real. It’s hard to believe that I didn’t make up the whole thing to be momentarily happy. But, then I find traces of you around me; love bites on my collar bone, the smell of you on my skin, your jacket hanging over my chair. But, they don’t seem real enough for me. The farther away I am from you the less real I feel as well.

I can’t feel anything. Every single bone in my body feels like it’s crumbling apart. My bones are breaking with each step I take and I can’t breathe anymore. My mind is racing a million miles a second. I can feel myself crumbling and decaying with each step I take. I can’t help but to think “look at the mess I’m making.”

The farther I get away from Jonghyun, from his house, from the solitude and quiet of his arms, the more I begin to think and realize that something is wrong. Something is wrong with me. The thoughts are so haunting. When I can finally think clearly again, everything gets so scary.

It’s so hard to be this way too. When I’m in Jonghyun’s arms, everything is tainted by his scent. Everything feels right because for a moment I am falsely safe from the world. But now, when the gates of his arms are open, I’m left to wander out and see that we can never be together.

If I can’t even have you, what point is there now? Holding onto scattering pieces, it will only make my arms weaker. But, still I clung to his shirt, trying to hold onto the scraps of what hope I had. I keep holding onto him because I know, one day I’ll just have to wrap my arms around myself and hold it will suffice. I’ll be alone again one day.

I keep wondering what the point of all of this is. Holding on so weakly, will only your heart break worse in the end, won’t it? Already so tender and gentle, continuing to live like this will only tear it apart farther. Then, I wouldn’t even be able to let my heart beat.

Being different, it hurts deep down. It makes you hate yourself for being so difficult. We all know that the world has rules already. I feel so abandoned, left alone to fend for myself. I feel alone and empty. I know we aren’t supposed to be together, are we?

But, I long for you. So willingly, I open the door and let you flow into my heart again like waves beating against the shore. You wash over me and I feel momentarily safe again. Sometimes, I cry until my eyes turn a fiery red and the inside of my throat feels raw. I can barely breathe. But, then I can almost taste you on the tip of my tongue when I think of you and I never want to lose that taste.

In the sounds of the wind that whip around my head as I walk home, I can hear your voice. In the smell of the crisp morning air, I can smell your scent. The sunlight that warms my cheeks feels like your hands cupping my face when you look at me. I feel you all around me even in your absence. I wonder, do you feel this too? Do you hear my laugh when you are alone? Can you feel my touches even if you are looking at your own reflection in the mirror? Are your eyes as blood shot as mine?

Do I make you cry? Do you miss me? If you did, I doubt you would tell me. I shoved my hands deeper in my pockets and sighed as I walked home. I hated being alone. It makes you feel weak. I blew out and I watched the steam come off my breath into the wind. The weather matched how I felt inside. Cold.

I neared the front steps of the school and for a moment I felt like everyone knew. I felt like they knew that I loved Jonghyun and I cared about him, and they hated it. They would spit on me, ridicule me, hate me. All for what? All for the peace of mind that they had made someone hate themselves as much as they hated them? I supposed so. But who was I to judge.

I remained quiet, subdued even, as I walked down the hallways. I didn’t look at anyone or speak to anyone. I felt so undeserving. No one noticed and if they did, they scarcely cared. I didn’t mind that. My ears burned a bright scarlet. I felt embarrassed to be even seen in public. Maybe I should just be a hermit and spend my life aging and being repulsive behind closed doors. At least then, I could become that infamous house that everyone was scared of because no one really knew what was inside.

But, even without doing that, no one really knew what was inside me, I suppose. I sighed again in class. Victoria was sitting beside just as she did on the first day of school. My chair was yellow and her chair was red. It matched her purse. I watched the rain fall outside the classroom window. I guess all those cold clouds outside had been holding all this water the whole time. I listened to the beat of the drops against the school roof. I drummed my fingers across the table top, matching my beat with theirs.

One drop of crystal rain. One thought of Jonghyun. A second drop. His dark inky hair. A third drop. His doe eyes. A fourth drop. His cream skin. Drop. Jonghyun. Drop. Ink. Drop. Doe. Drop. Cream. One, two, three. Jonghyun, ink, doe, cream. Him and me. His smile, laugh. My smile, laugh. One two three. Jonghyung, Ink, Doe, Cream. One two three.

One thought of Jonghyun.

One drop of crystal rain.

The thoughts and numbers swirled and twirled in his mind.

It was easier to think of this than my life. It was easier to be consumed by this.

I kept listening to the rain fall all the way through lunch. By then, the rain had subsided for the most part, but the tinkling noise could still be heard as a vacant echo through the halls. It was comforting. I could even hear it when I walked into the cafeteria to get lunch. The roar of students was a bit of competition though. I had to make a decision now of whether to sit with Jonghyun like I wanted or to sit with Victoria like I was obligated to. I sighed. I could see their table now, Victoria and the rest of her friends waiting for me, a seat even open, waiting, or more so expecting, me to sit there. I groaned a bit.

I decided I wasn’t going to sit with them. I tried to sneak out of the cafeteria with my lunch, but they saw me and beckoned me towards them with smiles. I swallowed thickly in nervousness.

“Onew, where are you going?” Victoria said with a pout as I walked towards the table. I inwardly groaned. I tried to think of a good excuse, but I just opened my mouth stupidly.

“…Tutoring… today I have tutoring!” I said while stuttering. Everyone at the table started nodding and believed me instantly. It was almost sad. Everyone believed it besides Victoria that is.

“Tutoring? You’re ranked second in the whole school, why would you need tutoring?” she said with an impudent look.

“I…. I’m… tutoring someone.”

“Who?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“I can’t tell you,” I replied hastily.

“Why not?” She was getting mad now. I took a step back, a bit frightened by her sudden change in tone, my eyes widening a bit in surprise.

“Tutors aren’t allowed to say who they are tutoring. It’s against tutor-student confidentiality,” a guy named Minho said. The look in his eye was… knowing. Like he knew I was trying to get away. I thought for a second, maybe he wanted to get away too, like he didn’t like everyone around him. But then he smiled at me a bit and shrugged, turning to talk to the person sitting beside him like he hadn’t even spoken to us at all.

“Oh…” Victoria mumbled with a pout.

“Well, bye,” I said quickly, walking away as fast as I could. No one called after me. No one tried to follow me. I was thankful. I reached the choir room rather quickly. When I walked in, people looked up at me and stared from their seats with their friends. I sighed and just kept walking towards the back of the room where I knew Jonghyun would be.

The amount of space between him and everyone else made me feel sick. It wasn’t just that not anyone talked to Jonghyun; no one even went near him. There was a space of at least five feet between him and everyone else and it made me want to throw up.

“Why don’t they… why don’t you sit with them?”

“You’re not even going to say hello first?” he looked up at me from his book and smiled. It was a bit forced, I could tell.

“Oh… sorry. Hey. But still… why not?” I said awkwardly, setting my lunch down on a bench beside him. He hummed in thought for a moment before looking back up at me.

“Why aren’t you wearing your glasses today? You wore them before.”

I like my contacts for school. Less chance of losing my glasses. Now, Stop changing the subject. Answer my question!” I replied, annoyed that he found me stupid enough to think that changing the subject would work.  He sighed and scanned the room, look at all the people that seemed so horribly far. His eyes looked glazed, as if he didn’t see them at all. When he looked at me again, his eyes were still a bit glazed over, but they looked more like the sky when it was foggy but you could still see the sun.

“Some people are hated for what they look like or what people expect them to be like. Other people are hated for what they do. I guess those people are worse, aren’t they?”

I contemplated it for a moment. People with bad looks, they didn’t have much of a choice, did they? It was known that it was wrong to judge a book by its cover. We were supposed to judge someone for bad character. If someone’s hated for what they do, and actions are a reflection of someone’s character, was it okay to shun those people? To hate them for what they did? I suppose it was. At least, the world told me it was okay.

“I’m one of those people,” Jonghyun said curtly. He looked at the people across the room from us again and smiled a bit as if the thought amuse him. It made me feel sick.

I didn’t want Jonghyun to do bad things. I didn’t want him to do anything that would even give me a moment to contemplate if he was a bad person or not. Mostly because I knew that he wasn’t. No matter what he did, he couldn’t be bad.

“What did you do?” I mumbled. My voice even sounded sick.

He looked at me and smiled. He used that loop-sided smile that I loved so much.

“The funny thing is, I bet they can’t remember,” he laughed a bit. But then he turned somber again, the smile fading off his lips. I could still hear the rain outside pounding on the roof, hitting the streets and covering the world with its cold drops. The thought made me shiver.

“I’ll tell you about it later,” he said with a sigh. I took a breath to protest, but he held my hand quickly which quickly took my breath away again.

“When you’re at my house,” he looked around the room again, “I don’t want to talk about it here.”

For some reason, I just nodded and agreed. I felt nervous though. But, then I heard the rain again, cold and looming.

I held Jonghyun’s hand a bit hider, making sure our hands were out of everyone’s view. I sighed in contentment. He talked a bit of what he was eating and asked me what I had for lunch. I talked back to him and smiled and laughed at his jokes.

But, I felt undeniably warm.

(A/N): Hey guys. How are you? Are you feeling well? I’m sure many of you are going back to school now. I hope you are doing well. Sigh. I’ve been a bit tired today and it’s raining quite a bit where I am. I hope you guys are staying warm. It seems quite cold most places. I decided to type a bit of an update. Not much, but next update will be better, I promise bby. I’m just not… feeling that well I suppose. But, I’ll be back to new in no time! So, Kenny and I answered questions sooooo~~~

Kenny’s Questions:

B2astly asked if you could be any animal, what animal would you be and why?

Humans are animals right? Because HUMANS EAT ANIMALS DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I don’t want to be eaten I will die and be chewed up and POOPED OUT. I could be like a roach. Who eats that? If you eat roaches you are gross plus I would probably even survive the end of the world and everyone else would be dead or something.

Sonwolforlife asked  Do you guise like any Girl Groups? If you do name them and ur fav song :P

o. I like the girl that is like a secret stripper. She like is really famous of tumblr and she is like a stripper but she is also like a blonde good girl in real life or something but she gets freaky in a cottage with some weird guy so she is kind of gross and weird but also I accept her for who she is.

Remilovesyou asked do you guys get boyfriend feels. and what is a time you just happen to look at the other and was like OH MY GOD I just really love this person?

Feels. I typically get feels when I touch marcus. Are you asking what he feels like? Are you a ert? Are you asking how often I touch his ? I think that’s what you are asking. Damn fangirls and their erted thoughts. but I touch his quite often. Are you jealous?
I think I really love him when he makes me dinner and then I touch his and then we do it. That’s always great.

DaeLITE asked Do you like letters?

I have never gotten a real letters. Write me letters and spray your perfume on it and I’ll keep it forever in my special box of special things. Pls.

Tokachi asked How did you ask Markus to be your boyfriend?

Wow. We’ve dated 3 times. So like… what time do you mean? All of them? Because the first time I don’t even remember at all. I think I told him like we made out already and you have a nice we should just date. Yeah. I was kind of a when I was 17. Oh how the times change. Then the second time we had drunk and the next morning I told him we already had we should just go out or something or else it will be awkward. Then the third time he lived in my house so I told him we share a bed already and sometimes we cuddle but I want to make out with you too let’s just go out. So. That’s what happened. The end.

OnTaeSupporter asked have you ever visited Singapore? If you haven't, would you want to?

Where is Singapore? Like… that’s in asia right? Do you guys even speak English there what do you eat does it have good food because I like food. It sounds like it’s in a jungle. Do you live In tree house> I just don’t know if I could handle this I just don’t know what a Singapore is can someone pls explain thankyou very much. I mean… I guess I would go but I am not even sure if this place is real. Are you lying to me?

Wow I am so DUN WIT U FANGURLS BAI.

Nori’s Questions:

B2astly asked if you could be any animal, what animal would you be and why?

I would be something cute and cuddly like maybe a panda because they are very cute and wonderful and I could eat wonderful food! I think pandas are just so cute and squishy! I really really like them also.

Sonwolforlife asked  Do you guise like any Girl Groups? If you do name them and ur fav song :P

I don’t listen to a lot of girl groups. I like 2ne1 and Miss A sometimes. I kind of like Sistar. I really don’t like SNSD’s music. I like the members…. Some of them… but their music is kind of… boring.  I don’t really like girl groups at all.

Remilovesyou asked do you guys get boyfriend feels. and what is a time you just happen to look at the other and was like OH MY GOD I just really love this person?

I get boyfriend feels at least once every two days! I get boyfriend feels when Kenny takes a shower in the morning and his hair is all wet and then he’ll drink his coffee without his shirt on and he’s wet and shirtless and his tattoos show and UNF. Boyfriend feels are quite abundant then.
I think I really love him when he cuddles with me. Kenny isn’t a touchy person. I mean sometimes he’s kind of… grabby to say it appropriately. But when he pats my head and then he lets me sit on his lap or something, I think I am really happiest at times like those.

DaeLITE asked Do you mind if I ask you again later when I've figured it out (In reference to editing a story)? Also, do you like jam or jelly? or neither?

Of course that’s fine my wonderful little nugget of pure happiness and bliss~!<3
I don’t really think I know the difference? But I don’t really like either I think. I haven’t eaten them often or anything, but the few times I’ve tried it, I have NOT enjoyed it. I typically just spit it out.

OnTaeSupporter asked have you ever visited Singapore? If you haven't, would you want to?

I have never been, but I would like to go! I think it’s wonderful to see new places, and I want to travel all around the world! So, Singapore will be on my list of places to go!

Tokachi asked Do you still talk to someone of your family?

I talk to my cousins that live in Japan sometimes. But, no one else talks to me much. My mom doesn’t really like talking to me, and my dad does what my mom wants. My sister has no means of talking to me, but I don’t think she would if she could. I’m not very close with any other relatives I have anyway just since we live so far. But, if I could, I would. I still love them, even if we don’t talk much.

(These are Ch. 17 questions that I never answered so I’ll just answer them NOW~~ AS QUICKLY AND TO THE POINT AS POSSIBLE. I WILL NOT RAMBLE!)

CrownAndGlory asked Do you like staying home or going out(in nature o.o~)? 

I don’t really get to go out much just because I have poor health. But, if I could I would go into nature more and probably go hiking or camping.

Friedtofu asked What is your favorite comedic style? (Sarcastic, Goofy, Cheesy, Story Telling?) Who is your favorite Comedian? 

I like story telling with exaggerated kind of responses I suppose? I guess it doesn’t count, but my favorite comedian is probably my friends because they’re really funny. Like, Kenny makes me laugh a lot but he’s more sarcastically goofy. I really like that too.

Mydubu_mynamstar asked can I ask you for some tips? On How to move on?

I’ve had a couple bad breakups, but seeing as I ended up dating the same guy three times, I think I am bad with moving on. But, I think the best tip in general is, feel fortunate to have experienced something, no matter the outcome. The best way to get over something is to acknowledge that it happened or that you once felt that way but you don’t always have to feel that way. Then you can start letting go more easily.

DaeLITE asked me What kind of story do you like best: happy? Sad? ... Both?

I like happy and sad stories, but I only like happy or sad movies that have meaning I guess? Like if they are happy for no reason or it’s tragic for no reason, then I really hate it. I like sad movies and books a lot, mostly because…. They make you feel something really deep. Happy movies make you feel bubbly for a while, but they don’t really linger around as long as sad movies do. Sad stories are very haunting I guess.

McLeaf asked  have you seen/listened to Kim Sung Kyu - 60sec? Also have you ever listened to B1A4?

I loooovveeeeeee the song 60 sec. I thought that the music video was really well directed and he looked very handsome in it too~. He’s so squishy and hamster like!. I really like B1A4! Baro is just UGH. He’s so beautiful.

Remilovesyou asked Do you watch kdramas?

I have just started getting into them really. I watched Reply 1997. I watched Flower Boy Ramen Shop and To The Beautiful You. I like them, but they are a bit cliché and get a bit repetitive at times. But they’re kind of bubbly and warm and fun to watch when you’re by yourself. I like them overall!

Sonwolforlife asked Do you like Ice Skating or Skiing? If you do, do you recommend it as a hobby?

I’ve never even seen snow before! I think they sound really fun, and if I had the chance they would definitely have it as a hobby! I think you should try it out! What could it harm afterall?

Thatswhatyousaid asked would you ever let me draw a picture of you and Kenny?

I wouldn’t mind at all! But, Kenny might mind a bit probably. It’s because he’s a party pooper and he smells like feet.

Rachanasapre asked do you like english songs or movies? if yes then who are your fav singer and movie?

I love English songs and movies. English pop culture is really weird! My favorite English singer is probably… Frank Ocean. But I like The Kooks and Mumford and Sons and indie kinds of things like that too. But, Frank Ocean is my favorite. Asia doesn’t really have singers like him, plus Kenny really likes him too. My favorite English movie is probably anything with Johnny Depp in them. He’s really wonderful and handsome too.

Okay, so that's all the questions and answers! Sigh~. so, I am very tired today and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that's early in the morning argghhhh. It's already 4 am. WHYYYYY. All well. It was worth if I could update for you guys, isn't? Aish, I love you. You're wonderful.♥

So, today's question is,

What is your biggest fear and why?

Everyone is afraid of something, right? Plus, I watch rise of the Gaurdians at the dollar theatre today with kenny and they had this whole thing on fear and since then I was like THAT'S WHAT I'LL ASK THEM. So, yes. Please anser my question and ask me and Kenny questions in a comment because that will make me very happpyyy~~.♥

Okay.

I love you

you're fabulous

you're

beautiful

wonderful

great

splendid

fantastic

i

love

you

okay

bai

bby