I looked at the clock again. I watched the hands as they moved and sighed. Time went to slow for my taste. At times like these, I always wondered what Jonghyun was doing. I always tell myself “when I see him, I’ll ask him about that. I’ll be brave and ask him about what he does when I’m not there! I’ll ask if he thinks of me or if he misses me!” but then, I see him again and I’m not sure if I forget to ask because I’m so occupied with his presence or if I chicken out of it. But, for some reason, those times I’m with him, I seem to forget them. They’re all blurs in my mind. I think it’s because those times seem to go by too quickly for me.

But when I’m with him, everything seems so clear. I clearly want to be with him. I clearly love him. Everything made perfect sense around him. Nothing else mattered. But when you are alone, you think of everything that you don’t think of with friends. Being alone really makes you feel sick. It gives you headaches. Because all you can do is think and nothing ever seems clear when you think.

I looked at the clock again. Time ticked away. I frowned. It’s so odd how people can change their minds about things so easily when it’s convenient.  When I’m with Jonghyun, I always try to grasp at the seconds and try to make them stay. I try to will them to last longer than I know they can. But, here I am, sitting in my room and staring at the clock, mentally complaining that time is taking too long to pass.

It’s so easy to change your mind.

That’s what scares me so much I guess. I mean, you could take this in a positive light I suppose. I mean, hell, what if everyday everyone changed their mind on what is socially acceptable and everyone praises gay couples? What if one day what we called pretty became ugly and ugly became pretty? But, I’m not one to like of things in a positive light. Because while great changes can be made, far more horrible changes are made instead every day.  What if one day Jonghyun doesn’t even like me anymore? What if all the people at school decide that I’m a loser and they hate me? What if one day, people like me aren’t liked at all for any reason?
People change their minds so easily.

“Jinki-ah?” I turned towards my bedroom door as I watched my mother enter timidly. We haven’t been speaking much lately. Even seeing her was uncomfortable. But, I faked a smile at her that welcomed her farther into my bedroom. She seemed relieved by my smile and she entered happily. I continued my mock smile.

“Yes, umma?” I kept smiling, my face hurting because of it. It was painful being this way, acting this way, towards her.

“Tomorrow is Saturday, so maybe we could go out as a family? We haven’t done that in a while, have we Jinki?” she had such a hopeful look in her eyes.

“We can go out to a nice restaurant and maybe go to the mall and get you some new clothes? Wouldn’t that be nice?” she suggested. I smiled a bit wider. I could almost feel my face break in half.

“I would like that, umma,” she smiled back at me. It seemed like a real smile. I wondered if she could that mine was fake.

“You’re father’s coming home soon, so we’ll tell him when he gets here,” she said as she walked out my door. She was smiling the whole way out. When she closed the door behind her, I sighed and let myself frown like I wanted.

It wasn’t like I didn’t want to go out places with my family. I liked going places with them. But, when I’m with them, it just reminds me that I’m not like them at all. I feel so guilty being around them. When I look at them, I know they don’t see me anyway. My dad sees a son that’s going to work in an office one day. My mother sees a son that studies well and ranks high in student counts. But, when I look at myself, I don’t see anything like that. I see…. A broken mold. That’s all I am. I get good grades on tests. I’ve done extracurricular activities. I did my chores at home. I had parents that ate family dinners with me. I went on small vacations during the summer. I was in clubs. I get a pat on the back when I get all A’s. I had high expectations set by my parents. I was being perfectly molded to be a perfect high school student that got a good job after going to university. But, for some reason, I felt so uncomfortable in this mold. I wanted to break free, I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to be molded at all, not by foreign hands. I wanted to be myself instead. But, when I tried to crack the mold around me, I wasn’t strong enough to handle doing things by myself, leaving my broken. Now, I’m a cracked pot, a broken window, a shattered ornament. I’m deformed, tarnished, destroyed. But, I was falling apart due to no other than my own acts.
Seeing my mother, it reminds me of that.

So, tell me who wants to face who they are? Who wants to face all their mistakes? I would run away from all of these mistakes if I could, but I was already sinking in so deep. I was already half drowned and unable to swim back to the surface. So, what can I do but suffer here like I was? I suppose, it was all my fault. But, it’s so nice.

I looked at the clock again. Another two hours. I wished for time to go by faster, but I guess, people just change like that.

“Are you hungry?” Jonghyun asked me while I took off my shoes at his door. I shook my head in response and rubbed my arms to warm them out. It was still rainy, still cold, and I had walked all the way here since the buses stopped at this time.

“You’re cold though, aren’t you? You want something to warm you up?” he said while walking towards what I was guessing was his kitchen.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, continuing to hug myself to keep warm. I had never actually been much past Jonghyun’s room. When you walked into his apartment, there was a dark hallway that led to either his room on the left or what I always presumed was his parents’ bedroom to the right. Farther down the hallway turned out to be his kitchen and living room. Everything was small and collected, dark but tidy. It didn’t feel very homey to me, it didn’t have a warm feeling, but it was a comfortable. I didn’t feel lonely or gloomy, but I didn’t feel safe either. I wondered if Jonghyun felt safe here. I wondered how he felt about his house and his room.

I wondered what he thought about a lot of things actually. Did he like school? What did he want to do when he graduated? What college did he want to go to? Did he think of me as much as I thought of him? I wanted to know so badly, but I was scared to ask. So, I just stared down at the mug of hot chocolate he had given me and let it warm my hands. He sat with his own mug resting in between his hands. I watched the smoke come up from the mug and swirl around his face.

“so….” I said softly, unsure of how to start the conversation about his infamous past that I never got to hear about.

“So….” He mumbled, drumming the side of his mug with his fingers, “I guess you wanna hear the story huh?” he looked up at me and smiled. His loop sided smile kind of put me at ease. I nodded and kept my eyes directed towards the steaming drink in my hands.

“How to start…” he mumbled while leaning back in his chair and stretched out for a moment. With a sigh, he sat back to lean on the table in front of us.

“I used to be cool, you know?” I nodded in response. He laughed a bit. “When I first got into high school, everyone liked me and I used to be kind of how you are now. I sat at that stupid table and talked to all those stupid people. It was fine. But…” he trailed off a bit, biting his lip. I reached out my hand to touch his. It was warm just as it always was. It was comforting for the both of us, I hope.

“And it was really great. But, all these girls liked me but I never liked them. At first, it was just a random confession or something from some girl I didn’t even talk to, but then it was getting worse. I said no to all of them. But, then that Victoria girl liked me, and I was kind of okay with it. We talked a lot and we were really good friends. We were close. Then rumors went around that we were dating and that we had and all this absolute bull.  People called Victoria a and they called me a player, so I stopped talking to her. I talked to other people and avoided her. Then more rumors came out that I was sleeping with other people and I was cheating on her, but we weren’t even together. You know what someone said? They said I had diseases. ing stds. Can you believe that? But the worst part was that, all these people that I thought were my friends, they believed it and if they didn’t, they didn’t want to be talked about too so they left.
Even Victoria thought it was true after a while. People avoided me. They still do. Victoria yelled at me and slapped at me in front of everybody. I didn’t even blame her. You know, I don’t think they’re bad people for it. I don’t think she’s a or anything. I don’t think they did anything wrong.
But, I’ve been waiting over a year for this to blow over. Just when things were starting to get normal again, back when a couple people would talk to me again, this guy made fun of my dad and he was just being an . We ended up getting in a fight and everyone sided with him. I know that most of the people after the fight that sneered at me and all, they probably heard rumors from other people. They probably don’t even know why we were really fighting either. But, they still don’t talk to me.” Jonghyun’s voice faded a bit at the end. I tried to digest what I was hearing. He cleared his throat for a moment.

“She still likes me.” I could hear the smile that I knew was on his face. “That Victoria girl... I think it’s kind of funny. I never even liked her more than a friend, but she still likes me. She told me so a while back. But, maybe she doesn’t like me anymore actually. She looks at you now how she used to look at me,” he chuckled a bit at the end like it was the punch line of his joke. I cringed.

“But, I don’t want her to…” I mumbled. I really didn’t. I didn’t want her attention. I didn’t

“It’s your fault anyway,” he said seriously. I looked up from my mug in shock. But, when he saw my surprised face, he cracked a smile.

“That’s what you get for being so charming,” he laughed. I smiled a little bit but I shook my head. Even when things were dark and a bit gloomy, Jonghyun made things better.

Though, while we talked a bit and finish drinking from our mugs, all I could think about was Jonghyun’s dad. Then I thought about his mother. I had never seen either of them and I had never paid much thought to the matter. I mean, they were never home. At least, whenever I was there, they weren’t to be seen. I had always assumed that room across from Jonghyun’s was his parents’. I always just thought they worked late or were deep sleepers I guess.

I kind of wondered what they are like. I wanted to meet them at least once, just to see what they were like. I wondered if his mom made him dinner every night or if she ever played with his hair. But, then I remembered that Jonghyun always cooked dinner. I frowned a bit. Maybe Jonghyun’s mother was a strict business woman that traveled as a lawyer or something. That was it. His father was probably a hard work. He probably had a night job. That’s why I never saw him.

But that was just my own wishful thinking wasn’t it? It was my own expectance for Jonghyun to be like me and have parents like me just because that’s how I felt the world should be. But, the world isn’t exactly as you want it. Laying here next to Jonghyun, after hearing his story and thinking of it a bit, I can’t help but think back to a night when I was watching TV. Me not being a typical tv watcher, I just kept the channel on one of those infomercials, hoping that I would find comfort from my loneliness from the light and noise the television made. But, an infomercial about starving kids in Africa came onto the screen. I remember crying because of it, because it was just too sad.

 It was so horrible knowing that was happening. I could almost feel them; I almost felt their pain being like that. But, then I realized, the worst part wasn’t that this was happening, it was that I couldn’t do anything about it. Loving Jonghyun gave me that same feeling. It made me feel like it was so uncontrollable and so scary and so horrible that I didn’t want any of it.

I didn’t want to love someone. I didn’t even want to love a girl right now, much less a boy. I didn’t want this pressure. I never wanted these feelings. But then, there are so many people that longed to feel this way. They craved it. They just wanted to have someone care, but I would rather not be bothered with any of this at all. I would have been so content alone. But, I wanted him. Even though I hated love, I loved him so much I needed him.

I wanted to be with him and hold him and kiss him and let him love me and kiss me and hold me. I wanted so much from him but I could never force him to do that. I could never ask either. I just let him do what he wanted, mostly because I was scared deep done that he felt the same way. Love was uncontrollable. That is what scared me so much.

I was hesitant, even now as Jonghyun held me in his arms, I kept myself a bit closed. I knew he knew it. But, he didn’t say a word about it.

“The worst part….” He mumbled, his nose pressed against my neck and his arms were loosely around my waist.

“I decided I wouldn’t like any of them. I decided I wouldn’t love anyone that didn’t love me first. That was the worst. I let them change me so quickly,” he sounded so sad. I held onto him a bit tighter after that.

“When I saw you when you came back, I remembered that you… you had the same problems I had. It made me want to be with you again like I did when I was in middle school. I had tried so long to hate everyone, but you made it really easy to love someone. I wanted to talk to you, but only because I thought we could be alone together. When I was near you, everything was light. But, when you’re gone, everything is so dark again. I could have all the lights in the house on and have every blind open, and it would still be dark if you’re not here,” he chuckled a bit. I looked at him while he spoke, carefully listening and observing. I didn’t want to speak and break the moment. I didn’t want him to stop saying how he felt.

Mostly because, I knew how he felt. It was perfect for a moment. But what a sad thing, isn’t it? The only perfection I had in my life was my ability to be so perfectly sad. I was so perfectly depressed and hurt and suffering just as someone else that I loved was. What a perfect thing.

“Look Jinki,” He said with a sigh, “I never said I could be your prince. I never promised you that.”

But still, I felt he was a king. He was like those old tortured kings that lived in dark castles and he watched over everyone else from afar. He was deathly silent, but his power over me seemed so strong. He felt like he ruled over me. I could so easily bend to his will. With him, I had no pride. I was a begging, pleading mess that just wanted his attention even though it was ruining what little good things were in my life.

“But, unlike everyone else, you never asked for that. That’s why I love you. You never asked me to love you. That just made me like you more,” He sounded so sigh. It was such a soft, sweet thing.

“Do you want to know why I love you?” I asked quietly.

“Tell me,” he commanded me. I was sure he felt insecure after telling me such personal thing. I knew him well enough now. I smiled at him.

“I love you because you’re the only one that ever tried. Even when I was mean, you still tried. That’s what made me like you. But, when I’m with you, I feel so warm. School, it’s always cold there. My mother’s hands, they’re like ice. My bed is like lying in icy water. But, when you’re near me, I feel as if I am standing in warm sunlight. You make me feel so warm. That’s why I love you.”

His grip on my waist was tightening. Kisses were being pressed across my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, my closed eyes, my jaw, my neck, my collar bone. But, a finalizing one was pressed a bit harder on my waiting mouth. I smiled a bit into that kiss.

“I love you,” I said with a smile, another kiss was pressed against my cheek.

“and you love me too,” I laughed a bit when I said it. He chuckled a little too.

“I love you too, Jinki.” He said with a smile.

After a moment of hesitation he added,

"Always will."

(A/N): Hello my sweet little droplets of love and joy~. How are you today?

So. I was gone for a bit, and I missed you guys a lot. I guess that's my fault though isn't it?
wow. I hope you've been doing wel! Have you been eating well? Pleae get lots of rest and eat well too!

but, I logged onto AFF on Thursday and I was really not expecting much of anything. I was expecting like probably a wallpost from like b2astly and missmacy and I thought I would probably get a few messages from a few friends and then I was expecting to get like maybe 4 or 5 comments because it wasn't really an update anyway.

33 guys.

I got 33 comments and it wasn't even a real update I think I'm going to throw up. everyone was so encouraging and kind hearted and it was a beautiful thing. I  was literally tearing up when I read your comments. I got messages and wall posts and it was so moving and encouraging. It was so wonderful to see all my friends there and I felt like... well, I felt kind of dumb actually. Like, why did I even feel alone and worthless and horrible in the first place? There's so many wonderful people in the world. It was dumb that I only thought of all the people that messaged me and all.

and Some people told me such kind things and I think the most beautiful thing about it was, I didn't know most of you. It was such a blessing. It really showed me that even when you feel so alone and like no one cares about you, there's so many people out their that care about you and you don't even know it. There are people that think you're funny and they're glad your here even if you don't know them. Even if you don't talk much, someone cares. I care. Even if we don't talk I want you guys to know that I care about you so much and I just absolutely love you. Please don't feel alone. You have me, you know? Don't feel like you have no one to talk to. If you want, you don't even have to introduce yourself or anything. You can just tlak to me like we're best friends. i'm okay with that, because to me, you are my best friend. I sound crazy, don't I? I guess, all I want to say, is that you guys reminded me that  I'm never truly alone. And, I want you to know that too. If you have something that's bothering you, you can vent to me. You can get angry and all and I really won't mind. Because during all the time I felt alone throughout high school, that's all I wanted. So, I'm here. I love you. And thank you for all your kind words. I'm planning on personall messaging all of you soon to give my thanks and hopefully start a conversation. So, be expecting that!

wow, just I'm so shocked. ugh. wow. oh my god. wow. I love you guys. I don't even know what to say.

I love you guys so much. Ugh. Stop being perfect you jerks. I really feel like you guys do SO MUCH for me and I never do ANYTHING AT ALLLLL for you. I really wish I could do more for you then just... write A/N's. You makes me smile and laugh and feel better and you just make me so happy. Like, the kind of happy where you smile so much you just have to close your evers and you feel your toes curl up a bit and you clench your hands and get that feeling in your stomach. That's how happy you make me. I just love you so much.

So, I talked with kenny about just stuff all together I suppose. Kenny has expressed to me that he would really actually miss talking to you guys. Like, he likes you all. But, he feels that, he did impend on my story. So, he's not coming back. He doesn't want to be my coauthor anymore. BUT, he does however want to finish aswering your questions that were already asked. Currently, Kenny is away with his family so I'm all alone. But, he'll be back home on Tuesday, so he;ll be answering all that's left of the questions then and then I guess that's it. Maybe for the end of the story he'll come back as a kind of bonus kind of thing or something? I guess we'll find out when we get there, won't we?

And, I'll answer questions with him next week as well! Wow, this chapter has a very different feeling doesn't it? Not as cheery, huh? I don't really know why. Wow. I guess maybe it's because Kenny isn't home today. omg, my dog smells bad. I should give him a bath. anyway,

I've decided something early today actually. I'm going to start fic recs. I was browsing the Jongyu tag for stories and I found some wonderful stories that I thought, well maybe you guys would like too? So, I'm going to rec them. But, I think I'll only rec stories that are updated more regularly and have atleast 4 chapters? Because if it only has like one or two or it isn't updated much, it's kind of like you... don't get to read it much? So. Yes.

Um, my first fic rec is going to beeeee~~.

Evasion by missmacyy.

To put it simply, it is beautiful. Simply beautiful. The writing is wonderful. it makes you uncomfortable in the best thought provoking way. The story keeps you entranced. You keep just wanting to know and you are pretty much trying to understand everyone the whole time. Every character that has come so far has left some type of impact on me. It's beautifully written. The only thing is It is rated M but I think that's more because it's more of mature in what happens. Meaning um, mental kind of problems, bulimia, addiction, self harm things like that. But, it's written very tastefully I suppose. It's hard to explain. But it's written in a way that makes it... different than typical stories that involve those kings of  things. It's updated pretty recently as well. It's wonderful. So far, I love it. And the relationship between Jonghyun and Onew is so... fragile I suppose. It's such a gorgeous thing. I love it. So, go subscribe and comment and just love it because it's a really good fic! and the authr is absolutely stunning as well!

Now, a question for all of my lovely little bbys. So, this update I want to know,

What makes you happy?

It could be anything really. a person. a thing. an activity. anything that makes you happy. I just, want to know what makes ther people happy I suppose. Personally, I think my friends make me happiest. I have really great friends.

So, leave your answers and your FINAL questions for Kenny in a comment!
I will still be answering questions as all ways even when kenny is officially gone, but next update is the last time Kenny will be replying to any questions from this story, so feel free to ask as many questions as you want!

So thank you again. I love you.

I hope you have a great day!

Let's live happily with ourselves!

Stay wonderful and happy

and beautiful

and fantastic

okay

i love you

remember that

are you forgeting?

No.

Remember.

I love you.

Okay.

you're wonderful.

okay. Really now.

baiiii

latahhhh!

P.S. I just wanted to tell you guys since I got a lot of questions about this lately, I don't have a facebook or twitter or instagram. The only social Media accounts I have is My aff, my devianart, and my livejournal that is filled with weird y omegaverse fics for Sherlock. /ashamed/

BUT I have made a tumblr. So, if you want to follow me my url is http://annyeongnori.tumblr.com/

Feel free to follow me or message me or send me asks. So, yeah. A lot of people asked me about my social media accounts so I thought I would update you on that. But, I will warn you, my tumblr is more of me just reblogging stuff and music and like mangas and movies I like. I don't have many personal things on there because... tumblr is scary. So, feel free to follow me though? It's not a very personal tumblr. It's just.... kawaiii......