I don’t know who I am anymore. Not once have I ever been faced with the choice of who to be. All these labels seemed to be put so purposely upon me that I could never break free of them. Suddenly, they have all been peeled off and I am all alone trying to figure out who I am or who I am supposed to be. I have never felt this close before to knowing. I just want to know so badly what I’m supposed to do.

I have a vision of myself as someone totally unbounded by society, completely free to do what I feel is important and doing what I want because I am not afraid. I have getting tastes of freedom long enough to know I can’t keep going on this way.

Every day that I wake up, I think about how much I just wish I didn’t have to wake up anymore. I don’t want to keep going on this way.

“Good Morning,” I mumbled to my parents. My mother didn’t say anything, my father patted my head. I headed for the door. I don’t want to talk to them.

“I’m going now,” I mumbled. I opened the door. Silence.

“You didn’t eat breakfast,” my father said, more of a statement than anything else.

“I’m not hungry. Goodbye,” I answered. I was out the door. It was a silent walk. Quiet churned around me. Even the birds didn’t chirp.

It feels like I’m falling. Plummeting farther and farther away from everything that had previously mattered and landing in this pit, that’s how I was living my life. I feel like I’m dying slowly while I wait to die myself. I’m not sure if me as a person was dying or if maybe just the old me was dying and fading away. Either way, I was wasting away, and no one seemed to care. They just seemed mad for being different then how I used to be. But, they hated me just as much for being who I were before.

Who can I be now?

How can I win this war between everything I want and what I am supposed to want?

Sometimes, I want nothing at all. I just want to be blank and have everything fade away.  All these twisted thoughts I think, they make me sick.

I sat on the bus and felt it shake and bump around. I haven’t seen Jonghyun yet. I wanted to be alone, I lied to myself. Yet, I just wanted his presence there to comfort me to some extent.

I arrived at school. Everyone was around me. But, I didn’t really recognize them as people, but just noises and heat and bumps in the hallway. That’s the only feeling I got from them. I fought the sadness with a pretty smile. I’m sure they were happy enough with that.

I sat in class. I was willing Jonghyun to read my mind. I was willing for him to hear me thinking about him so he could understand. I closed my eyes.

We’re not too young for love. I am not faithless. Please understand that, I am just scared. I’m just learning too much right now. I just need to get rid of my old beliefs to add in the new. I can’t talk about it, I can’t tell you, but I’m just scared. I want you to close your eyes with me. You loved me first, but I think you mean more to me that I mean to you. You really saved me. It feels like you grabbed my wrist when I was letting go. It would have been so easy for me to just let go and fall and spiral away and just never be found again. I want to talk about this. Let’s just be braver together. Let’s just keep dreaming like this. Then maybe we can talk about it.

Hold my hand and I’ll hold your hand. I won’t let go this time.

I sat in lunch. I used to be so afraid of hearing a mass of people around me. I was so scared of all the thoughts they were having and what they thought and what they thought of me. Plus, I think people kind of smell bad. But, now I’m so scared of silence. It’s so comforting to just have people around me to chase me away from my own thoughts. In silence, I am forced to think. I am forced to try and understand the things that are happening to me.

“What did you get on the mast test, Onew hyung?” a guy named Minho asked.

“I got an A,” I said, not looking up from my uninteresting lunch. He went on to tell me all about how hard the test was and how he felt about our teacher and more. I didn’t really pay attention.

Damn all these idle words. They just make me feel emptier.

I am so afraid of the light around me that seems to expose me. It points out the things wrong with me. But worse yet, I am afraid of the dark that leaves me so alone. You become painfully aware of all the silence in the dark. When you are lonely, you become so aware of all the people around you. Mostly because you want them to notice you, I suppose. But, when you are alone, truly alone in a dark silence, you are solely aware of yourself.

The last bell rang. I heaved a sigh of relief. I walked to the bus stop in silence. Today was so painfully quiet.

Then, I heard a voice.

“What’s wrong, hyung? Are you okay?” Jonghyun asked; his concern evident on his face. “You seem really… sad today. What happened yesterday?”

My parents had really slipped from my thoughts.  I didn’t want to think of it. I shook my head to get the thoughts away.

“Nothing, let’s not talk about those kind of things,” I mumbled.

“no…” he mumbled. I scarcely believed he said anything at all.

“What did you say?”

 “You know, you really piss me off sometimes,” He said angrily. “I’m so tired for waiting for you all the time! You don’t even notice me now that you’re here. I’m always waiting for you and I’m tired of it, Jinki. You don’t even know all the hell you’ve put me through! You wouldn’t even care if I told you anyway. You don’t even notice that I’m here for you all the time.”

“Jonghyun…” I reached my hand to him. There’s so many things that I don’t know.

“No! When are you going to open up already? This isn’t fair! When are you going to see that you aren’t alone? I’ve been here the whole time…”

Why am I crying? I could feel a few drops of warm water slide down my face. Why do I just feel so relieved at these simple words?

“You don’t have to be alone, Jinki.”

“I know,” I mumbled. His hands were wiping away water from my face. I felt suddenly dumb for not telling him how I feel.

“Just tell me, Jinki,” his hands were still pressed against my cheeks.

I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. I wasn’t going to lie. I was going to tell him how I felt. For the first time, I was going to just say all the twisted things I felt.

“I don’t want you to think I’m faithless. I’m just really scared that I’m going to lose everything. No one’s ever tried so hard before. I’ve always been alone and now you’re here and I don’t know what to do. I’m just really lonely, and I feel like I’m changing. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know something is wrong or missing with me because nothing is working out. I’ve just been pretending to be alive this whole time. I just don’t want to be here anymore.” I choked it out. My words came out jumbled and they didn’t make sense.

“What do you mean you don’t want to be here? Do you want to move away?” Jonghyun’s face looked alarmed.

“No. I don’t want to be anywhere anymore.”

I felt his arms around me. They were so warm and comforting; I just let myself settle into them. For a moment, I wondered if someone could see us doing this. But then, I didn’t care.

For a second in his arms, I was alive.

(A/N): Hey there y laddyyyyyyyyyy.

I went on aff yesterday and I was absolutely shocked.

100.

What does the number 100 mean to you?

I remember when I was little on the 100th day of school, we did this party thing for getting that far into school. We had a big board with 100 flowers on it. I'm thinking about that and it just remidns me of you guys. I just want to cry.

I have 100 subscribers you guys. 100. That means 100 jongyu shippers, 100 friends, 100 people on OUR SOUL TRAIN.

I just keep thinking of those 100 flowers from when i was little and I just think of you guys and you're all just like my beautiful wonderful little roses of happiness and joy. I just love you all so much.

You guys give me these feels of so much feelness that I feel my heart exploding into a million little pieces.

I just love and appreciate all you guys so much. Thank you so much. SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH.

Now please excuse me while I just go in a corner and cry for the rest of my life. ok. thanks. I appreciate that.

SO LESS GO ANSWER SUM QUESTIONS.

My cutie pie Tomogachi17 asked me "Are any parts of the story related to real life events that happened to you?"

WELLL, you guys already know that pretty much everything in my story are my personal thoughts. So, in a sense, this story already feels like an embodiment of myself. A lot of the concepts happened to me, I guess. Like, questioning if you love someone, feeling like you changed, being bullied, not being confident, having to deal with actually liking another guy, ect. I expereinced those things. So, a lot of the things I'm writing about happened to me. I feel like if I'm going to write something well, it has to be something I understand. So, yes. A lot of this is based off of personal experience.

My baby Sonwolforlife asked me (well not exactly this wording, but I will be openly blunt) "do you watch and if so what genre?"

I've only watched twice in my life. Like, I know I'm japanese and Japanese guys are known for their horrible watching habbits. But, I don't find that interesting. What's the point? Anyway~ I've watched twice not because of the typical guy reasons. Like, when I first started liking Kenny when I was 16, I was confused becuase I didn't think I was gay. So, I was like, "I don't like guys. I like girls." so, I forced myself to watch to prove to myself that I like girls. It was horrible. Never again. But, then I was like "maybe I don't like . I could like girls and not like ." So, I watched gay to like... check, I guess?
Yeah. That was a different experience. I like guys.

My main squeezzeeeee missmacy asked me "what is your prized possesion?"

Okay. So, when I was 5, I had to live with my grandparents without my mom and my dad for awhile because my parents were in China for almost a year. That was the year my dad got promoted. My sister was 3 at that time. In Japan we have a holiday that celebrates the lives of children. Parent's are supposed to say thankyou for their children and be happy that they survived through the winter and things like that. For boys you celebrate when you are 5 and for girls you celebrate when you are 3. So, me and my sister got to celebrate together and we went to a shrine and my mom and dad weren't there. My parent's sent me a letter though to tell me how much they loved me and missed me. The said they were proud of me for taking care of Madoka, who is my sister, and that they would be home soon with gifts. I still have the letter. But, they sent my sister a stuffed cat and I got a picachu plushie. I can't sleep without it. It means a lot to me.

My sweet cherry blossom shiningangelmel asked me "Did you ever have to confess or were you confessed to?"

I've only dated two people. And one of the people I've dated three times already. But, I've never been the first person to confess or say I love you or anything like that. I'm too shy o do things like that. Kenny didn't even confess to me the first time we dated, he just told me, AND THIS IS AN EXACT QUOTE I WILL NEVER FORGET, "You should just be my boyfriend now because we already made out and I think you like me."
Wtf. Like. WHYyyyYyyyYYYyyyyYYyy.  YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC THNX. So, nope. I've never confessed to anyone before!

My sweetie remilovesyou asked me "How do you feel when you are sick? Is there things that you just have to have? And does Kenny take good care of you?"

WELL, when I'm sick... I just feel normal. I get sick a lot, so feeling bad is kind of how I expect to feel. So, when I get my healthy periods, I feel like literally superman. I feel like I need to go out and do everything because I have a really short time of health. When I'm sick, I really need cuddling. Like, I just need o hold onto something. Or else I feel really alone and I get scared. So, Kenny bought me a bunch of long pillows and I cling to them until he gets home and then I cling to him. It's a constant cycle. Like, I never stop because I don't like being alone. I don't really eat when I'm sick, so Kenny doesn't really have to cook me anything I guess. I just eat bread mostly because I have a really sensitive stomach. Kenny takes really good care of me! He's like a nurse. He gets me medicine and like feeds me and cuddles with me. I like the cudddlleeesssss.

My darling akemi59 asked me "do you resemble our dive Key? his motherly attitude, high taste in fashion, ect?"

I don't think I'm motherly because people take care of me more often. But, I like to think I'm friendly? Like, I'm a good friend? I think Key is really great and talented, so I look up to him a lot, Which is weird kind of...weird,.. But I want to be as confident and open as he is. But, I do share his love for like expensive clothing and stuff in general. i really like clothes and bags and jewelry. I have really expensive taste too. I really like Gucci. A lot. Like, in high school I had a 2,000 dollar gucci back pack and I had these beautiful Gucci shoes that cost like 500 dollars and I still have them. And for Christmas Kenny is getting me a gucci vintage trademark ring and I'm really excitedddddddddd. It's going to be so beautiful. I like other brands too though! I like Obey and Stussy and I like getting my boyfriend stuff from thereeeee. Cause they have nice snap backs and I like guys with Snap backs and piercings and tattoos.

My sweet pea~ OnTaeSupporter asked me "What are you afraid of? what are your fears?"

YOU ALL KNOW MY HATRED FOR SPIDERS, but beside that, I'm really afraid of being alone. Like, I hate it when I'm alone! UGH. I'm a small person. So, if someone breaks into my house, god forbid, I will be robbed PRETTY EASILY. I get so scared when I'm home alone and I hid in my room and just freak out. I'm always home aloonneeeeeee. I hate it so much it just scares me! Kenny has to go to work really early, and most of the time I wake up when he does. But, sometimes he'll leave without me knowing, and on numerous occassion, I wake up and he's not there and I get scared and I start like crying BECAUSE I THINK HE IS STOLEN BY ALIENS AND I GET REALLY SCARED BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT THAT. Yeah. So. I hate being alone! It's scary!

My sugar dumpplinnnggggggg hithere asked me "What is the most evil/devious/prank you have ever done?"

I'm not as much of a prankster as you are. Like. Really. I'm bad at pranking! I always feel like nervous and I freak out and it never works. But, one time, me and my sister had to clean the house and I really didn't want to because I wanted to hang out with Bae. So, I told her my mom only told her to clean. So, she cleaned the whole house She even cleaned my room for me. I felt really guilty. So, I took her out to go to Yogurt Land. That was pretty mean right?

My newest bbyyyyy xoxogossipgoat asked me "If you could have any job no holds barred, what would it be and wahaaiiii?"

I would be an artist. like. can I just, please? I don't really talk about this, but I really like art and I used to take these ink classes, like traditional Japanese ink writing classes, and I really liked it. So, I started painting. I don't think I'm that good. But, I wish I could just do that forever. I'm really jealous of kenny because he gets to do art every single day because he's a tattoo artist. He gets to go to work and just do art everyday. But, i don't think I could do something like that. It's not practical.

My honey beeeee DAElite asked me to paraphrase it "My dog is really old and going blind and deaf, but he's really happy. People say I should put him down what should I do?"

I didn't know what "put him down" meant. So I had to ask Kenny. But, when I found out I was really upset. I thought it meant like give him away to a shelter or something. But, I thought of my dog and I don't think you're being self ish at all. I don't think you should. You're dog is really your friend. If he's happy, then HE WANTS TO LIVE. Like, if he still tries, it's unfair for oyu to take that away from him I guess. If he's still responsive and trying and walking around and being wonderfully cute, then he doesn't want to go yet, so you should make him. I don't think his time has come yet. Don't put him down!

And that was all of my questions!

SO, last update I asked you guys what your prized possesion wasss~ You guys said things like body parts and relationships you have and your laptop and your dog and things like that~. It was really cool to see what you guys really cared about. BUT NOW I WANNA KNOW SOMETHING THAT IS A BIT HARDER TO ANSWER I DO BELIEVE.

SO~ My question is~

What is your favorite thing about yourself?

It could be physical, a personality thing, something that you're happy you're good at~ anything. I just want to know.

So, leave your answers and your questions for me in the comments~

I love you

baby

you are

a

firework

gotta

let

your

colors

burst

make

em

say

ah

ah

ah

anyway

i

love

you thank you so much for being yourself

later 

bye bby

until next time

xoxoxox

heart heart heart

♥ ♥ ♥