What if we never had to keep the time?

It seems that we always have to look at clocks and write the date at the top of our papers. We have special dates for special holidays. We have birthdays and Christmas and New Year. But, what if we didn’t have all those things? Last time I checked, birds didn’t look at their watches and worried because they were running late. Things like that didn’t happen.

Only humans looked at clocks. Only humans worried about the time.

I guess that’s why people are so scared of time running out.

I’m really scared of time running out. I don’t want to waste another second of my life being afraid in my own shell. What other life do I get to live? If I only truly get to be one person, I will cherish this body and person I am fully. I will live freely without the stain of human intolerence upon me. Free of judgement and wordly restriction, I have decided I will love a man. 

I will not pretend that I believe that this is anyway "normal," in anyway sane at all, but I will also not pretend that is not happening. As childI never imagined myself sitting in my room kissing a boy. I thought of things far from that. I dreamed of a prince and a princess. But, now it seems as if I am bound to love another prince. But, I wonder, when a prince and princess marry, they become king and queen. Can two princes commit the same act? Can they become two kings? Perhaps not. Regaurdless, no matter my previous dreams, no matter the outcome of my actions, here I am, kissing a boy in my room.

His lips weren't as soft as I imagined my lover's lips to be like in my childhood dreams. But, he wasn't quite the lover I imagined as a child either. His lips were slightly chapped. I'm sure it was something he was self concious of as well. But, I liked the substance of it. His lips were gruffer and stronger and they felt good against mine. I can now only imagine a soft girl's lips as merely a feather brushing across me. But, Jonghyun's lips were nore like a rose pressed against my lips.

His hands that cupped my face were strong, his fingers weren't thin and delicate. They were strong and hot against my skin. I liked that too. They weren't made of silk, but their rough texture seemed to touch me further down into the core of myself. It was a deeper feeling. It was a feeling almost undescribable. I wonder if it was because his hands were rough or if it was simply because they were Jonghyun's hands.

The kiss became deeper and deeper. I could feel myself swirling farther and farther down into this pit. But, the farther I fell, it seemed averything was illuminated by the brightest of lights. I think the moment you fall in love is unmeasurable. There is no true time, is there? But, if I had to choose a specific date for when this deep felling bloomed in my chest, I would choose this moment.

I felt his tongue in my mouth, hot and feverish. I let his hands roam up and down my arms, my back, my chest. But, my hands remained steadily placed upon his shoulders. His mouth moved against mine still. I could feel my lungs burning. I didn't care. I was suddenly pushed back slowly to lay on my back. I opened my eyes as he pulled away. His body was hovering over mine. His eyes darted across my face, across my body, then back to my face again. I watched as he swallowed thickly, his axiety showing.

"Is this okay?" he questioned softly. I nodded my head, not trusting myself to speak. He exhaled, his breath was long. Our lips met again, this time they intertwined more rapidly. Our tongues touched, our breathes and tastes mixed and I wasn't sure what was happening. I didn't like the nervous-falling feeling in my stomach. I held onto his shirt, afraid that I was falling off the face of the Earth.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't really think either to be honest. But, then he pulled away from my lips and I inhaled sharply, partly from my lack of air, but mostly because of the feeling of his lips on my neck. Soft kisses were spread across my neck, leaving the skin feverish. Then, I could feel the wet heat of his tongue swiping across the already hot skin. The feeling was weird and uncomfortable. But, I couldn't say I didn't like it. His hands were roaming my body again, this time however, they were braver. The hem of my shirt was getting dangerously high. I was getting nervous. All of this tension was building up and I was getting so nervous. But, I wasn't afraid.

Suddenly, his hands were up my shirt and they were hot and rough. Suddenly, I felt noises coming out of my throat. I felt embarrassed by my blatant exposure of my pleasure. But, I didn't try to contain the noises, mostly because I didn't even realize that they were coming out until I heard them myself.

Everything was going so fast. His hands rubbing, his tongue sliding across my throat, his breath ghosting over my skin, all of it was beginning to be too much. I'm not sure if there is any proper reaction to this. When i thought things couldn't get any more agitatingly blissful, one of his hands rested on my thigh, squeezing it with slight pressure. I could feel my face heat up. I could feel goose bumps rise up at the feeling of his breath racing past my throat.

"Jinki, I bought you something good to eat!"

Have you ever had moments where you froze and it felt like the rest of the world froze too. It feels like hours that you've been frozen in one stop, but in actuality, so many thoughts flew through your head in one second that time seems so still. As soon as I heard my mother's voice and heard my door open, the world froze. Why she was home at this time, I'm unsure. Why she came home early from work, I don't know. None of those details mattered to me. What I did care about was the fact that another boy was currently ontop of, also as frozen as I was, with his hands all over my body. What I also cared about was the absolutely horrific look on my mother's face.

I wish I could say it was a misunderstanding. I wish I could tell her, you don't understand we were just kissing and I don't normally let him touch me this much but none of that mattered either because his hands were already marking me of sin. I just lay there, my eyes wide, staring upon he horrified face in agony. I couldn't even hear or feel Jonghyun's breath. My mother then let our a shrill gasp. A moment of panic seized me. Suddenly, time was restored, and my words began pouring out.

"umma, I'm sorry," Jonghyun was already standing, his eyes wide and scared. Unsure of what to do, I sat up on my bed, my hands shaking. Things weren't supposed to be like this. Was I really doing something wrong? Did this make me a bad person? Is being caught what made me a bad person?

My mother said nothing. He stare still processing the moment. Her eyes became red, the sheen of tears, either or anger or shame, filled her eyes. My heart kind of fell apart in that moment.

"I'm sorry to intrude," she closed the door. What does this mean?

I was scared now. I wasn't scared before, but I wasscared now.

"Jinki, I'm so sorry. Oh my god," his voice was quivering. Why was everyone apologizing for things that were out of their control?

"you didn't do anything wrong," I mumbled. My voice was shaking as much as his. "We didn't even do anything wrong."

"I know, I know." he was sitting next to me on my bed now, his arm around me already to comfort me. I appreciated his warmth at a time like this.

"what are we going to do?" he whispered, his voice piercing straight to the question I didn't want to think of.

"you need to go home so I can talk to my mom," I said uncertainly. But, Jonghyun nodded confirming my idea. 

I swallowed thickly as he stood, his hand reached out to lead me to the door. I took his hand in my own, his fingers squeezing mine in reassurance. He pulled to his body chastly, his arms wrapping around me.

"We'll be okay," he said quietly. His words almost seemed to echo in my room. I swallowed thickly.

"I'm scared," I've never honestly just told someone how I felt before. But, I guess people make you change.

"I know, I am too. But, I promise we'll be okay," his lips pressed against my head. I felt reassured by his soft spoken words.

We'll be okay. I don't know how long it will take and the outcome of everything, but I never expected this to be easy. We weren't normal people. We couldn't live and easy normal life anyway.

But, I know in the end, we'll be okay.

(A/N):

HELLO WORLD.

omg, anyway.

That gif just keeps make me laugh. I can't eveeennnn.

I have a facial twitch or something guys because SOMETHING IS LIKE WRONG WITH MY FACE WOW. I can't stop twitching. Is this okay? WILL I EVEN BE OKAY?

anyway. Can I tell you guys a FABULOUS LITTLE STORY? It's been a while since I've told you a story.

So, I taught my Japanese class on Monday. It was wonderful. But, you know, class was ending and Kenny came to pick me up. I was pretty happy because it always a joy to see Kenny after Japanese class.... mostly because he gets me food after Japanese class... I enjoy food.

But, a couple girls that were still in the room saw kenny and were like "Sensei! Your brother is cute!"

Oh. My brother. Oh. OH. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

Well. As you see, that was uncomfortable for me. But, Kenny, the ever so smart Kenny, replied "I'm not his brother." then he laughed and decided to add "brothers don't make out with eachother anyways."

Oh. Making out. OH. OKAY KENNY THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT ONE UP.

So these poor girls just stared at us. Like. they just looked at us. And my old teacher was in the room and he stared at us. And then I was staring at them.

And kenny WAS JUST SMILING LIKE EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.

NO. IT WASN'T KENNETH YOU JERK.

Then my teacher started laughing and the girls just remained silent. 

And then this girl named Melissa was like "So.. you're like a couple?"

Then Kenny decided he was going to speak again and just say whatever he wanted and ruin my life. So, he told them "Do couples sleep together?"

Then I just died. There I lay on the floor, dead while Kenny laughed as if life was okay. Yes, I died for a moment my dead friend, but by some miracle i was revived and managed to make it out of that classoom alive. Somehow, I made it out alive.

I just thought I would let you know the horrible things kenny causes. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HORRIBLE THAT WAS FOR ME SOMEONE PLS JUST LET ME BE OKAY HUG ME AND NEVER LET ME GO.

So. I just thought I'd let you know about that event. AND P.S. HAS IT BEEN YEARS SINCE I'VE UPDATED OR WHAT? LIKE PLS FEEL FREE TO THROW ROCKS OR TOMATOES AT ME OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS IS GETTING PRETTY NOT OKAY.

Anyway, LESS ANSWER SUM QUESTIONS.

So, my sweet beautiful bby daeLITE asked meee "What is the nicest thing someone has said to you? and what would make you happiest if someone said it to you?"

I guess, the thing I was nice to me will sound mean to you. This whol story and explanation is going to be weird. But, a couple weeks ago Kenny was rubbing my stomach and he told me "You gained a lot of weight in you stomach and your thighs." and it was this long awkward silence. And he told me "It feels better now with more weight. I'm really proud of you for getting healthier." It made me really happy. Kenny is really blunt and not very romantic. He doesn't tell me he loves me or calls me cute or handsome or compliment me.  So, even though it might sound mean, it was really sweet for him to tell me something like this. I like making people proud of me. Plus, I did really need to gain weight. I was like 80 pounds a couple monthes ago. So, I gained like 10 pounds or something and I AM HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

I really like it when people tell me that I make them happy. Like, to know someone is smiling because of me is such a good feeling. It just makes me smile and makes me feel better. That is really a comfort. So, when someone says "Wow, you made my day!" or "You're so sweet Marcus, I'm so glad that you're my friend!" I like smile and cry and just feel like wonderfulness in human form.

My bby cakes Hithere and my beautiful bby Daelite both asked me "What is YOURRRR favorite thing about yourself?"

I don't really know. I think I like...how I don't get mad a lot? Does that make sense? Like, I try really hard not to get upset over things. Like, Kenny will do really dumb stuff like TELL PEOPLE WE SLEEP TOGETHER, but I don't really good mad at him. Because, Kenny is just being himself. He's naturally... weird. So, I shouldn't get mad at him for it. I don't really get mad at people. I just, feel kind of sad that they do something worth me getting mad over. There's really no point in being mad is there? So, I'm happy I don't get mad often.

But, plot twist, my bby cakes Hithere also asked me "What is your second favorite Kpop group and do you have a tattoo?"

My second favorite group has to be UKISS. Like omfg U-kiss just TAKE ME AWAY. I love Soohyun and Hoon and I KNOW SOOHOON IS REAL. and I love Kiseop and AJ and omg Kibum is so beautiful and xander is so cute and perf and Dongho is like a little tiny bby of cuteness that tries to be so cool in Holy Land and then Eli is this cute adorable Pigeon of cuteness. Wow. I love them. SO MUCH. LIKE WHHYYYYYYY.

But, I mean, Kevin is cool, but I just don't like him as much as everyone else pls don't shoot me but it's true okay thnx. He needs to stop playing with Kiseop and Aj's EMOTIONS LIKE BACK OFF KEVIN THEY ARE MINE CAN'T YOU SEE THAT. DON'T TOUCH THEM GO BACK TO YOUR PIGEON. anyway...

Freaking Kevin man.

On terms of tattoos, I currently have none. But, for Christmas Kenny is going to give me my first tattoo are YOU EXCITED BECAUSE I'M EXCITED I THINK I'L JUST THROW UPPP NOOWWWWW. I'm going to get "晴れ渡った空の下、華麗な太陽の下で" down my back, more so on my side, in dark purple. The english translation is like "under a cloudless sky or under the beautiful sun." It's from a book by Yukio Mishima. It means you can either live quietly and wait to for life to end, or you can live bravely and do something worth it and die honorably. The quote means a lot to me. And, I'm getting it in purple because that's the color of those ribbons for different diseases? Like cancer ribbon is pink, the ribbon for Lupus is purple. Purple is also the color of gay pride. So, that's why I want it to be in purple. I'm really excited.

My sweet bby Ontaesupporter asked me "what are your talents?"

I don't think I draw well enough to call it a talent and I really can't sing AT ALL. I defiently cannot dance. Just the thought pains me. I'M A PRO AT TRADITIONAL INTERPRETIVE WORM DANCE.

But, I think.. not to brag, I am really good at learning languages. I guess, I really like learning languages so I find it enjoyable enough to do well? Right now I fluently speak (in order) Japanese, English, Spanish, and Korean. Right now I'm learning Mandarin. But, Mandarin is really hard compared to most languages I've learned. I can average at learning a language in about a year and a half, but Mandarin is going to take like two or three. But, honestly it's just the accent that's hard for me. Writing is easy because it's just like Kanji in Japan. So, I am good at that I think.

My extremely cute bby girl funabisenu asked me "If you could meet any kpop idol beside shinee, who would it be?"

This was really hard. Like. Can I just go in a corner and cry now? But, I decided I don't wnat to meet a kpop idol, I want to just meet a korean artist? I don't really count Tablo as a kpop star but dear god can I just meet him please he is perfect he makes me want to cry little japanese fanboy tears. I want to just touch his face and then cry myself softly to sleep. I want to discuss literature with him and the meanings of his songs and go to Paris with him and just have him pet my head omfg pls. But. I think his wife is pretty and his daughter is like a goddess that will foreveeeeeeeerrrrr be perf. Dear god Haru you are wonderful. Anyway. I really love Tablo. He is perfect in everyway.

Like, if I had to describe my feelings for him it can only be portrayed by this gif of a dog.

That is all.

the wonderfully beautiful bby smuffy asked me "in what ways does a lover help you cope with things?"

I took this question as what lovers do to comfort you rather than what they comfort you for. I hope I interpretted that correctly. I have only had two real lovers. In comparrison they were very different people. But, the way they helped me cope with things were very similiar. I feel like lovers always have a key motion to show comfort. It probably differs from person to person, but I feel like it is a general thing. I'm in physical pain a lot because people with Lupus tend to have joint pains and weak stomach linings things along those lines. Kenny always rubs my stomach when I'm in pain. It's a really comforting motion and I guess it just relaxes you and it helps you just get through it. However, Bae used to always put his hand on my shoulder and just rub it back and forth. It was just warm and comforting that way I guess. That's the big difference between friends and family and a lover. Friends can only mentally help you cope with things, something they can't even help you mentally. They call only say stuff like "i'm sorry." But, loves help you cope by physically bringing comfort and then when you're calmed down, they feel close enough where they can really mentally help you and tell you what you really need to do. They help you cope by just being a constant, truthful sorce of comfort.

my cutie pie shiningangelmel asked me "if you could relate to any animal, what would it be?"

A stick bug. They are small and stick like. and. that's me. a small stick like creature that is kind of gross and awkward and weird. Like.. what are stick bugs why are they real? They don't seem useful. That is my life thanks. plus they have like small eyes right? That's appropiate.

they're kind of disgustingly cute. Look at their little feet. omg, I have little feet maybe we are long lost twins.

 look here I am. Just crawling on your computer screen. Am I cute? Do you like me? can we be friends even if I am a bug?

omg, I just need to stop.

the gorgeous rachanasapre asked meeee "What is your craziest dream or fantasy?"

Like. I'm a pretty boring person and I rarely dream actually sleeping dreams. and I'm boring and have no crazy, ual, true love fantasies, I think my craziest dream is to actually to meet shinee and then they all fall in love with me and then they want to fight over me but I tell them "no, you can't do this guys. You can't tear Shinee apart like this." and then they'll like tear up and realize they love me even more and then they like hug me and let me go. But one day in the future I run into Hong Daekwang at the super market and he's like... "You're that guy that almost broke up shinee..." And i'll be like omg your Hong DaeKwang youw ere on my favorite show Super Star K4 the same show that Busker Busker was on you are perfect. And then we'll get married. But then Kenny comes in and then my dreams are ruined and I realize I AM LIVING THE DREAM ALREADY THAT'S COOL.

my kawaiii guuurrllll sonwolforlife asked me "are you ever sadistic?"

Not to actual literal people. I don't really get mad at real people that I know and talk to or communicate with. But. FREAKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. LIKE WHY. When something happens i an anime I'm watching and I get upset like I just want to beat them up and just make them cry because they . Like, I really like Black Butler and when Ciel was like "SEBASTIAN YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!?" and I was like NO. NO. STOP. I WiLL BEAT YOU ALL UP AND SEBASTIAN WAS LIKE WUUTTT. AND I WAS LIKE I WILL BEAT YOU UP YOU FREAKING WEIRD ANGEL GUY AND THEN FREAkING CLAUDE. I WILL KILL YOU CLAUDE. AND LIKE HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO MY DEAR BEAUTIFUL ALOISE I LOVE ALOISE SO MUCH YOU JERK.

And, that's how I feel.

LAST QUESTION IS FRUMMMMMMM the newest bby on the block SJiaSHINeeJing and she asked "Do you ever feel like you are a bad person?"

I took this as in, do I feel like a bad person in comparsion to other people. and, I honestly do. Like, when I see other kids in college and making their parent's proud and like doing something with their life, I feel like I really let my parent's down and I just feel like I'm a really bad person. Sometimes I feel like, maybe all these bad things that happen to me, happen because I'm actually a really bad person. But, in actuality, I feel like, you're a bad person in you do horrible things. And, my life choices are different, but I'm not hurting anyone but myself. So, I can't really be bad, right?

So, that was all my questions! and my hands actually hrut from typing, woah. anyway,,,,,, I read your answers and I got a lot of different kinds of answers. Some people said their eyes and then I think Hithere said her brains and then daeLITE said how forgiving she is. MissMacy said how different she is and OnTaeSupporter said like... how she's the kind of eccentric friend and funabiseu embraced her tininess and said her stature with is cool because she's smaller than me! Smuffy is really observant and Shiningangelmel can draw really well and realistically, but she should pay attention in her studies! rachanaspre likes how comfortable her firends are with her which I think is a very good thing! and Sonwolforlife likes her personality because she's good at fixing things is what I think she says. BUT I DO REMEMBER THAT HE BIRTHDAY JUST PASSED SOOOO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONWOLFORLIFE. YOU'RE REALLY CUTE.

SOOOO! This update's question isssss (please insert drumroll)

What do you want for Christmas and why?

and if you don't celebrate Christmas, then what would you like as a gift?

So, ask me questions and answer mine in the comments!

OKAY I LOVE YOUUU

HAVE A GOOD WEEKKK

AND FOR EVERYONE TAKING EXAMS

TRY HARD

STUDY HARD

DO WELL

I LOVE YOU

YOU SMELL NICE

CAN I GIVE YOU HUGGSSS

PLS

THNX

BAI BBY

LATAHHH