When I walked down the stairs, it was eerily quiet. No one was making breakfast. No one was reading the paper. The blinds were closed. The living room was dark. Everything was silent. I was alone.

I held my back pack strap tighter and swallowed thickly. I couldn’t help but wonder if things would always be like this. What are my mom and dad going to do? Ignore me all the time?

I sighed and walked towards the door. Out of force of habit I called out: “I’m going now.”

“Wait Jinki,” a voice called breaking the over looming silence.

“Yes, appa?” I said gently, still not facing him, my hand lingered on the door knob. I was ready to run.

“I’ll give you a ride today,” it wasn’t a question, a command that I could not confuse.

“Okay,” I said simply.

When we were in the car, it was silent like my house. The quiet settled around us and I felt like I was suffocating in it.

“Jinki, is it true?” my father whispered. I watched as his hands clenched and unclenched around the steering wheel.

“Is what true?” I wasn’t playing stupid or pretending that I didn’t realize what was happening. It was just, so many things had happened that I didn’t know which one he wanted to address first.

“Your mother said… she told me that you said you were gay, Jinki,” his voice was raspy and weak. I kept looking out the window. Silence.

“Jinki, is it true? Just tell me.” His voice shook.

“Yeah.  It’s true,” I mumbled. Why did I feel so ashamed?

“How can you know? You’re just a kid,” he was shaking his head. I still averted my eyes and glanced at the trees that were rushing past us in blurs.

“I like a boy,” I told him. My voice remained even.  I was proud of myself for a moment. He laughed a bit at my statement. I looked at him for the first time since we had entered the car, my eyes holding a bit of confusion in them.

“That’s all the proof you have?” He said, that laughing tone still in his voice. My brows furrowed.

“What more do I need?” I questioned. Instead of answering me, he went on speaking.

“Gay is such a heavy term. Some words mean a lot more than others. Some labels have a heavier weight to them…” His words trailed off a bit as he looked deep in thought. I remained silent.

“Words like ‘love’, Jinki, they mean a lot. To say you ‘like’ someone is so different than loving them. So, with something as small as liking a boy, you can’t suddenly add such a heavy label to yourself. One boy can’t change who you are so much that you have to call yourself something different.”

I nodded my head.

“But, what if I have always been this way? Does the label change me, appa?” My voice was cracking like old, dry wood in a fire. My father paused for a moment to look at me.  Our eyes met in silence. The quiet around us was looming.

“No. It doesn’t change who you are. But, it changes how people treat you.” His words lingered. His words hurt. Not because they were mean, not because they were angry. They hurt because they are true.

I wasn’t changing. A label doesn’t change the contents of something does it? But it changes how it is reacted to.

“Some people are going to treat you differently. Some people are going to hate you for being who you are, Jinki. But, it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it, isn’t it? No one else can decide that for you. I can’t. Your mother can’t. Only you can.”

I nodded again. Suddenly, I was crying.

Tears are simply manifestations of sadness. They taste salty from the ocean I’m drowning myself in. I was simply deep in an ocean of self-torture that I happily endured. Tenderly soft, they feather down my skin. In that moment, my feelings for Jonghyun solidified. No matter what is said, or what is done, I would love him. It was worth it.

“Will you treat me differently? Will you hate me?” My voice was so broken by the weight of the question.

“How could I hate you?” he laughed a bit. His warm hand left the steering wheel and patted my hand for a moment. A few more fat tears rolled down my face. Then his voice became serious.

“Your mother… she isn’t mad at you. So, don’t be mad at her either. It’s hard for her.” I knew what it was like to deal with things that were difficult.

“She doesn’t know what to say to you. She’s just scared, Jinki. She doesn’t want you to… deal with hard things or be hurt. With labels like this, she knows that not everyone will be accepting. She’s just scared for you.” His voice was becoming softer. It feathered out slowly.

“I’m not mad at her. I just… her being upset… that makes it hard on me too.”

“I know, but maybe it would be best to give her some time. I don’t want to make things for you, but Jinki, maybe it would be better if… you didn’t see that boy for a while. I’m sure you’re a bit confused too, right?” He said, his eyes darting at me.

On the contrary, I had never been surer in my life that I wanted Jonghyun to be with me. But, I nodded my head in mock agreement.  I wanted to make my parents happy. Even if it was hard for me.

I got out of the car and my dad told me to have a good day. I told him I hoped work wouldn’t be too busy. He laughed and waved as he drove off. My smile left when his car was out of view. I walked to my school in silence.

I felt a hand tap my back. I smiled faintly. It was like a whisper against my skin.

“Hyung… did I get you in trouble?” His voice asked worriedly.

“It doesn’t matter, Jonghyun,” I smiled at him as he warily began walking beside me.

“It matters to me,” he said with a soft pout.

“Walk me to class, it’ll make up for it,” I said cheekily. He smiled a bit at that.

“I’ve never walked you to class before,” he said as we wandered through the halls, people’s eyes trailing behind us constantly.

“People keep looking at us,” he said, that faint trace of worry lingering.

“does it bother you?” I asked.

“I just thought it might bother you…” he said softly.

“I guess it doesn’t matter to either of us then.” He smiled at that.

“You used to wear glasses,” he said while studying my face as we walked.

“Yeah,” I shrugged.

“They looked good. Why did you stop?” he said seriously.

“I got contacts.”

“I want you to wear glasses again,” he said with a clarifying nod. I smiled.

“Maybe one day,” I answered.

“Just for me, right hyung?” his lopsided grin came out full force. I smiled and nodded. We walked in silence for a bit after that. I didn’t mind.

“Jonghyun…” my thoughts suddenly turned sour.

“Yeah?” He said, a smile still perked on his lips.

“You can’t come to my house for a while…” he nodded at my statement.

“But, I want to see you. I was thinking… tonight. I want to see you tonight…” I mumbled to him. He smiled at me.

“I want to see you tonight too, but I don’t think it would be a good idea,” he gave me a sad smile. I felt my throat tie up in a knot. I didn’t like this feeling of rejection.

“No. I’m going to see you tonight,” I said again. I sounded like a whiny girl.

He looked a bit surprised at first. But the sad smile turned into a happier one.

“How?” he questioned.

“I’ll get to your house somehow.” I answered.

“When?” a smile still present on his lips.

“I don’t know…” the bell rang. Everyone was walking into the class room.

“Just wait for me, okay?” I said. I looked around to see if anyone was looking. The halls were empty. I kissed his lips quickly.

“I will. I’ll always wait for you,” he smiled at me warmly.

I felt comforted by his words.

(A/N):

Hey guys,

No gifs today. I don’t think I’ll be answering questions either. I’m sorry.

I wanted to update for you sine it’s been a while. I hope this wasn’t too bad.

I’m sorry if I haven’t replied to your wall posts or messages. I will really soon. I miss you a lot.

I have recently found out that a person I’m really close to has passed away. He worked himself to death. He was only 26. I’m just really upset about it. So, I’m sorry if I’m not that cheerful or chipper today.

I really miss you. I hope you are doing well. You’re being beautiful like always, right?

So, a lot of people have been asking about Kenny and things like that. Well, because of recent events, I kind of need help updating and making A/N’s so, I made Kenny my co-author if that is okay with you? I’ll kick him out if you don’t like him! And if he annoys you, I’ll beat him up!

So, things are going to be changed up a bit! This time around, I thought it would be fun if you guys asked Kenny some questions and he’ll answer them next update!

So, ask him many funny and good questions, please!

I read your responses to last updates questions, as always, and a lot of your guys are good at art and dancing and learning and it's wonderful to know what you guys are confident it. Keep being good at things!

But, my question for you this update is~

“If all jobs paid the same, what job would you choose and why?”

Jobs are important, but some people choose jobs because of pay. So, if pay didn’t matter, what would you choose?

I think I would be an artist or a linguist. That could be fun.

So, thank you very much for waiting so long for an update. I’m sorry it wasn’t even a good one! But, I will answer your questions in ch. 20. I’m just… not having a good week. But, I’ll try to stay positive and be in better holiday spirits soon! Thank you so much to all the new people that are commenting and reading and subscribing! I would like to welcome you with open arms! And, to everyone messaging me and posting on my wall, you are very cute and sweet and I will reply soon, I promise! And, don’t be afraid to talk to me or Kenny guys. We absolutely ADORE YOUUUUUUU. You are wonderful.

I never want you to be afraid to comment or message us or post on our walls. You are wonderful and an absolute joy to talk to.

So, please comment and answer my question and ask Kenny tons of questions too! You can even ask him more than one! The more the merrier, right?

Okay, so I love you.

Have a great day! Eat good food!

Smile often.

You’re cute.

You’re smart.

You’re funny.

You’re wonderful,

I love you.

Bye bby.

P.S. Omg. I found out that the author of literally my FAVORITE JONGYU FIC EVER is subscribed to me and comments on my stories and she LIKES my story. She actually enjoys reading it. SO, you if you haven't read her fic yet it's called

Mechanical

and it's so good and you just comment on it and read it and just give her your love because this is a wonderful freaking fic. Anyway. Now that THAT rant is done, i love you bbyyy bbaaiii.