“Jonghyun….”

I called his name again. He was still soundly sleeping, his mouth slightly open. His face was completely relaxed. From the dim sunlight filtering through my blinds, his skin glowed a little bit. I really think, if I had to imagine a prince, I would imagine something like Jonghyun’s face.

The more I see him in this dim lighting, the more I want to be like him. This earthly glow made him seem so alive even in sleep. This soft liveliness and gracefulness of him made me so eerily jealous, I cannot even describe.

I can never say that I am in any term graceful. In a comparison of me to Jonghyun, it is like he is a summer day. He is like a sunset on a Saturday night. He is like watching the sun rise on a Sunday morning with a lover while drinking coffee and talking about how bright your futures are.

If he was all of those things, I could only call myself not more than a vacant howl of wind during the winter. I could not be more than a cracked window that let all the rain in during the fall. That’s all I could be.

So, sitting here, seeing Jonghyun here like this, made me feel so impossibly small. He made me feel so inferior. I really wanted to like him. But, this constant, burning feeling of fear always strikes me.

I guess that’s why I so constantly push him away. At least when people leave you when you are pushing them away, you can always lie and say that you never wanted them there to begin with.

But, I wanted Jonghyun to stay beside me like we are now. Even if I would never admit it, I didn’t want him to be like everyone else. I didn’t want him to think of me badly or to think I’m weird or be cold towards me. I want him to stay how he is. I want him to be bright and warm and I want him to glow like he does in this dim light.

“Jonghyun, wake up.” I called his name again gently. I never knew I could let my voice be this gentle.

He groaned a little and his face scrunched when I shook his shoulder a little.

“Come on, you’ve been sleeping too long,” I called to him again softly. He blinked his eyes tiredly a few times. After a few yawns and squirming, he was awake enough to actually understand where he was.

“Hyung, you’re still holding my hand,” He said. His voice held some type of wonderment. I couldn’t help but to blush.

“Sorry, I didn’t know I was supposed to let go,” I tried to take back my hand. I could feel the furious blush creeping onto my cheeks.

“I don’t want you to,” His voice was so strong and determined. His grip on my hand only tightened.  I honestly don’t think that helped with my blush situation.

I wonder who he’ll marry when he’s older, probably a girl that is like a princess because that would fit him.

“Can we go back to sleep now?” He whined. He turned his back to me, but his firm hold on my hand stayed. He awkwardly forced me to wrap my arm around his waist.

It’s moments like these where I have no clue what to do. Jonghyun has so suddenly been thrown into my life. It is like yesterday, I had no friends. I had been for the first time been noticed by society. Now, I have this person here in my arms. Jonghyun was now my first friend. He was the first person to confess to me. He was the first person to want to hold my hand or to want to be in my arms. He was the first friend to come to my house or be inside my room. Right now, after only a few days, he has already had such an impact on my life that no one else has even neared in comparison.

I am unsure if I should be ultimately pleased that I had finally experienced these things, or if I should be scared that I’m allowing someone inside my world like this. For me, it was like letting a stranger into your home. In actuality, I didn’t know who Jonghyun was, but here he was comfortably lying in my bed half asleep like this was natural and even remotely okay.

On top of that, he was a male. Here I was, lying in bed with a guy. When I was younger and got bullied a lot, I always looked at those girls with the long hair and skinny legs and the bows in their hair and all I could feel was something close to longing. I always thought that eventually I would end up with one of those girls. Thinking back upon it, maybe the whole time, I was never really looking at them in a way that you look at lovers. Longing is almost like admiration. I really wish I could be graceful like them and be so sweet and pure looking like that. More than anything, I long to be a person like that.

I want to be someone worth being.

“Let’s not sleep. We’ll just lay here, okay?” I tried to compromise. We had to stay awake. My mom got home soon.

He just hummed in response and pulled on my arm to force it to wrap around him more comfortably. I lay on my side beside him, our bodies were pressed together. It made me something unexplainable. It was something between nervous, warm, calm, and excited. It must be the feeling sailors get when they are out in the middle of a calm ocean by themselves. That feeling they have of being small and unnoticeable and scared and yet peaceful all the same was the feeling that I felt deep down.

If I was a sailor, Jonghyun must have been the ocean.

“Talk to me then, or else I’m going to fall asleep,” He whined. I sighed. He’s difficult.

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, think of something,” He mumbled. I could already tell he was going to fall asleep soon.

“Jonghyun, have you dated someone before?” I asked it so thoughtlessly. I suddenly felt a deep fear. What if he had? I don’t what is worse. The fact that I would be jealous that he had dated someone or that I hadn’t and some short dinosaur freak had dated someone before me.

“Nope, have you hyung?” He answered so casually I was taken by surprise.

“Oh, no, I haven’t,” I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. I don’t date people. Well, in reality, people don’t date me.

“That’s good!” He said excitedly. His voice kind of got higher when he did that. I’m glad that my depressing loneliness was “good” to him.

“How is that good!?”

“Jeez, you’re not very bright hyung. If neither of us had dated someone before, we can be each other’s real first loves!” I honestly didn’t know how to react to that. At first I was little annoyed that he called me dumb. Then I got a little excited. But then I realized something horrible.

My life really is a kdrama.

Jonghyun seemed pretty happy though. If it was possible for him to be more unbelievably happy, he was happier than I had ever seen him. I honestly didn’t know how to react to that either. So, I decided to remain silent.

“I’m really happy you came back,” He said while messing with out intertwined fingers, “You know, I missed you when you left.”

“You didn’t even talk to me….”

“I know…” for the first time, he became shyer. I thought it was kind of cute. Only kind of cute though, because I mean, he isn’t even that cute anyway.

“It’s just, when you were here; I had something to look forward to. I was really happy when I saw you at the choir practices. I’m happy you came back, so now I have a lot of things to look forward to again.”

In that moment, I felt like I really mattered as a person. Even if I didn’t know it at the time, when I was younger and bullied and said and felt worthless, to Jonghyun in that time, I meant something. It made me feel better. It made me feel like I had a reason to keep going too.

“Now, I know one day, we’ll join choir together and sing duets. Then, we’ll graduate together and since we don’t want to get separated, we’ll go to the same university. We’ll graduate from there together. After that, we’ll move in together and you’ll work in an office every day while I’m going to be a freelance artist or something like that. I’ll make lunch for you to take to work and every day you’re going to walk through the front door and yell, ‘honey, I’m home!’  Then we’ll eat dinner together. You’re going to always tell me I’m the best cook there is. I’ll have a part time job too so we have extra spending money. But, you’re going to tell me that I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. Oh, and hyung, when we get our new house, can we have a dog? I’ve always wanted a dog! But, I don’t know how you feel about pets. We can always get a cat instead. I just think, I’ll get lonely being home by myself all the time.”

His rambling was unstoppable. Jonghyun was truly an open book. But, I really don’t remember checking this book from the library.

“Jonghyun, let’s just… focus on the beginning things first? I don’t even know if I like dogs. I don’t even know if I like cats either. Can you even cook?” I was scared that I was going to start rambling too.

Jonghyun looked quite thoughtful.

“That’s true. First, I want to sing a duet with you. You have to promise that you’ll sing a duet with me.” He said in determination. I really liked when he talked like that, his voice getting deeper and a bit stronger. I sighed softly at his demands however.

“Okay, just calm down,” I said in defeat. He was really pushy.

“I can cook though,” He said quietly, his voice softer and calmer.

“Really?”

“Yeah, my dad says I make the best kimchjeon there is,” that little bit of pride in his voice was the cutest thing I had ever heard.

“One day, I want you to make me kimchijeon,” I said softly. For some reason, I felt more comfortable. I allowed myself to relax my body against his.

“If I make you kimchijeon, will you do something for me?” He said; his voice was nervous. That made me a bit nervous in return.

“What is it?”

“You have to say you will do it first.”
“Fine, fine. I’ll do it. Tell me what it is,” I said a little bit too impatiently. I could feel him laugh a little bit.

“I want you to kiss me.”

How can he say things like that so nonchalantly?

“What?” I choked up. I managed not to suffocate myself on my own spit this time though. I was a little proud of myself.

“You already said yes.” He said firmly. I swallowed thickly. I was screwed. I was expecting him to say something dumb like if he made me kimchijeon I had to make him something or I had to buy him something. I don’t know. I was expecting anything but this! But, that was a little naïve on my part.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be surprised!” I said hysterically.

“I want my kiss now.” He said again. Please Jonghyun, add more to my own utter turmoil. Please. I really enjoy this.

By now, I was shriveling up and dying from horror, shock, and nervousness.

“What is this?!” I said a little bit more hysterically than my previous outburst, if that was even possible.

He let go of my hand, and rolled around so that he was facing me. Really, it’s kind of humorous to think of. We were like caterpillars or something pressed together like this. That’s all cuddling is as far as I’m concerned.

“You can’t back out now,” He said, the look in his eyes was completely serious.

“I know, but this isn’t fair!”

“A deal is a deal!” a knot was forming in my stomach. It was a knot tied out of nervousness and embarrassment. This is my impending doom. I’ve never kissed anyone before. How do I even go about this? How do I start this? What if I miss? Oh gods, what do I even do if I miss?

“Fine,” I grumbled. I started sitting up. Jonghyun’s eyes got wider and surprised.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t kiss you lying down. That’s weird!” I explained. He nodded and started sitting up as well. We sat cross legged, our knees brushing against each other’s. By instinct, I started fixing Jonghyun’s uniform shirt. His collar was crooked and weird. I flattened it down and I noticed the slight blush that was tinting his cheeks. He was looking down at his lap, playing with his fingers.

“I never thought this far…” He mumbled.

“What do you mean?” my curiosity evident.

“I didn’t think that I would actually get to kiss you,” He said, the blush only grew on his cheeks. His ears were getting red too.

“I didn’t think that this would be happening either,” I said, making a motion around us to clarify what this was exactly.

“Are you glad it’s happening?” He asked; his voice vulnerable.

“I am…. It’s just a lot to take in,” I said truthfully. At this point, it’s not like Jonghyun could really judge me.

“I really like you, Jinki hyung.” He said softly. When he called me Jinki, it was like there was an explosion in my chest. It didn’t hurt. It was just this warm feeling that spread everywhere and tingled and I knew that was the moment I was supposed to kiss him.

So, I just did what I felt was best. I just leaned forward, and pressed my lips against his. I could tell he was surprised because he was really stiff. But, then he kind of pressed back. It was awkward and weird, but his lips were pretty soft for a guy’s, so I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it.

Suddenly, he kind of tilted his head to the side, and I did the same. His lips moved a little against mine. It was nervous and tender, but it sent a million more fiery tingles down my spine. I started slowly moving my lips against his too. I guess you could say the kiss was short lived though. It seemed like it lasted a year, but after a few seconds, Jonghyun pulled back. His face was all red and flushed.  It was cute to say the least.

“You aren’t supposed to do things like that without a warning!” He whined.

“You didn’t act like you didn’t like it,” I said a little confused. If he didn’t want to, shouldn’t he have pushed me away?  Jonghyun’s eyes grew wider and his ears went bright red.

“Shut up!” he squealed.

“Sorry, I guess,” I mumbled. Jonghyun’s face was slowly going back to its normal color, but it looked like his cheeks were permanently stained a soft pink. He took a few deep breathes and then sighed.

“It’s okay, hyung,” then he smiled at me with that big loop sided grin.

“Can we kiss again?” He asked with that big smirk plastered across his face.

“You always make things weird!” I whined.

If I'm going to fall in love, I'm glad it's with Jonghyun. I think he'll keep my heart safe. I want to keep his heart safe too.

(A/N):

Okay. wow. This update has 2,674 words. How did that even happen? Like, what?

ANYWAY.

Most of my AN's are relatively happy and like, no cares are giving during them, BUT TODAY SHALL BE DIFFERENT.

So, I just wanted to let you know something. I don't think you guys don't understand this when I tell you, but I really freaking love you. I love you so much.

You're probably reading this like, "Omg Marcus get over me I am too perfect for you okay. Wow. Like, you tell me this all the time. I DUN CARE."

But, I'm being really serious.

Like, for the past year, my life has been a little... crazy. Just, I got kicked out of my house and I had to move in with my friend's and then my previous boyfriend cheated on me and that was horrible. Not fun at all. And, I had to move again. I have Lupus too, which is this autoimmune disease where your body attacks your organs, so I was already in like physical pain a lot. And, not to sound like a downer, but I mean, for the past few monthes I was really depressed. Like, it got really bad. It was to the point where I didn't talk to anyone and I didn't do anything at all. I just sat in my room and pretty much felt horrible because I missed my family and I didn't have anyone to talk to. So, for these past two monthes, like, I realized that there are these wonderful people out there. I started living with Kenny and he took care of me and took me to all my doctor's appointments and we started dating. Having someone to depend on really helped me.

Now, whenever I get on AFF and see your guys comments, I honestly just see them and it's this feeling of just spazzing crazy happiness. I just freak out and I get so happy because you are just so sweet. YOu say the kindest things and I feel like, you are so nice to me and I never do anything for you. You are just unconditionally sweet.

Like, I got a comment and it was like "I want to make your day because you always make mine" or something along those lines, and it was so great. Someone else said that I was hiliarious and that they think my boyfriend is sweet and it just means so much to me to hear things like that. I don't think you understand the effect that you guys have on me.

So, this is my thank you.

I want to let you know that I'm grateful for every comment you leave. YOu every subscriber I get because each one of you give me a reason to write. You give me a reason to smile and just be happy, I also want to give you that feeling. I want you to be happy as well. Without you and people like you that support me, I would have given up. Thank you for keeping me standing.

Let's continue to support each other until we get to where we want to be!

So, today, I was wondering, what are you thankful for? What is the thing that motivates you to keep going and keep trying?

So, please remember that I love you. I truly care about you. If you ever need anything, remember that Marcus oppa is here for you~.♥

Please keep smiling no matter what!

Okay.

so, I still at endings. So, I love you. Okay.

bai.

okay.

awkward.

wow.

baiii then.

thanks.

okaaayyyyyyyyyy.

UGH I JUST LOVE YOU I FANBOY BECAUSE OF YOU DO YOU EVEN BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN.

HFdfdjsFHUdhjafhhiuanjdHFhsahgfnds I LOVE YOU f fndagvfdnjkhanvfgdnv

I Just want to hug you forever.♥

Well anyway,

Okay. bai bby.♥